Edward Elric sees Eden - or something like that...
It really had been an accident: a horrible, unholy – wonderful, gift-from-god – accident. They'd been walking along, calm as you please, each minding their own business and trying to keep themselves together in the gale-force winds that had sprung up early that morning. Ed's coat kept getting caught in the high breeze, and Winry's ponytail had been whipping around like a thing possessed, providing no end of distraction. She'd missed a step in the road, lost one of her sandals, and had to backtrack. Instead of just using her toes to turn it over (like any normal person), she'd bent to grab it with her hand. She was facing away from Ed, who'd just happened to be staring back at her in agitation, as though she had lost her shoe on purpose just to delay him.
Unfortunately (or fortunately – Ed had yet to decide which), a particularly strong gust of wind had torn down the street and gone right up Winry's short black skirt just as she'd bent over.
And Ed had gotten a glimpse of the Promised Land.
He hadn't looked at her for the rest of the day. It had made the long walk to headquarters even longer and more than a little uncomfortable. Ed hadn't been able to keep from blushing, even when gazing at anything and everything but Winry – a condition that lasted even as he was sitting in the single chair in front of Roy's desk. Luckily, Winry was outside playing with Lieutenant Hawkeye's dog.
"… me for thinking that you'd have at least decent writing skills, being the youngest state alchemist in history, but I suppose you had to neglect something to spend all that time studying… Full Metal, are you listening to me?"
Edward was not listening to his commanding officer, which was apparent to everyone in the office by his posture – arms crossed tightly across his chest, feet resting against the front of Mustang's desk, tilting back precariously in his chair as he gazed out the window with glazed eyes to where Winry was throwing a stick for the canine.
Roy took a good, long look at Ed and asked, "Is something bothering you, Ed?"
Ed didn't answer.
"Hmm," Roy mused, pushing back form his desk and rising. "My guess would be yes."
Still, Ed made no reply. He did, however, begin to blush. Again.
"And," Roy continued, making his way to the window, hands clasped behind his back, "I would say," he glanced back at Ed with an expression that was much too calm, "that what's bothering you is right outside that window."
Ed was glaring now, as Roy went on, "It's blonde, young, pretty, and," he paused, squinting out through the window pane at the aforementioned young, pretty blonde, "wearing a very, very short skirt. On a windy day no less."
Edward finally made some passable response in the form a growl.
"What happened?" Roy continued to wheedle, turning to face Ed completely and leaning back against the windowsill. "Did you walk in on her in the bath this morning? Wind flip her skirt up?"
Ed turned beet red, snarled, and shouted, "What are you, some kind of pervert?! How many hours a day do you spend thinking about this stuff?!"
Lieutenants Havoc and Hawkeye both snorted, then buried themselves in their paperwork.
A knowing smile dawned on Roy's face, and he sauntered back behind his desk and cleared his throat dramatically. Everyone in the office looked up from their work, and Roy began in a loud voice, "Attention gentleman!" Hawkeye's face soured, and he added, "And the lady, of course. Today is an auspicious occasion!" Edward sank down into the chair, wishing he could sink into the floor instead. "Today, Edward Elric has seen Eden! He has glimpsed that sacred mystery that every boy must come to glimpse in order to become a man. He has seen the top of the mountain!" Ed was smoldering when Roy, with the most rakish grin he could muster, finished with, "Tell us Ed. What color are her panties?"
With a wordless yell, Ed launched himself from the chair and over Roy's desk, intent on strangling the Flame Alchemist – but before he could get there, and heavy, rock-shaped paperweight (that was probably a rock) struck Roy squarely in the chest, just a few inches short of crushing his voice box. His throat closed immediately, and he went down like a lead anchor, gasping for breath. When his target vanished, Ed overshot the desk, nearly knocked his chin on the windowsill behind Roy's desk on the way down, and landed heavily on the Colonel in a position that would have required some explaining if both of them had been unclothed.
Ed climbed off Roy as quickly as he could, helped more than a little by the Colonel's hands which were beating at his stomach and thighs, dangerously close to a much more sensitive area. It was relieving to find out that Roy had at least a little respect for other people. The older man was scrabbling for purchase, hauling himself into a sitting position by grabbing onto the edge of his desk, then climbing laboriously to his feet.
"Who threw that?" he rasped, glaring out at his subordinates with eyes that would have been terrifying if they weren't so watery.
When Ed finally found the strength to stand and look around the room, every single occupant had buried their face in their busywork.
Except for Hawkeye, who was staring pointedly at Roy. He didn't press the issue.
AN: Why with the crackfic?! Someone help meeee...