This first chapter is a little slow and short--trust me, I know. I just had to get all of Edward's feelings out before I really started this plotline! This is my first fanfic, so please, if you have any suggestions throw them out there. I promise this won't be as angst-y as it seems!
I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at her door and begged her to take me back.
For days at a time I would sit in a secluded stone-like ball of myself, refusing to see the world—for everything in the world, I knew, would remind me of her. Every woman with chocolate brown hair or clumsy tendencies would leave me with my breath stopped short, a small sliver of hope in my dead heart that it could possibly be her. After I rationalized, I always realized how ridiculous I was acting. How could I forget my greatest draw? Only my love would send the scent of heaven—a secret hell for me—to caress the air around her.
The world was not worthy of her perfect scent, beauty, soul. Then again, neither was I. I closed my eyes as I sat, curled up and alone. My mind slowly let the memories flood in; her hair in the wind, the pinkness of her cheeks, and the way her eyes sparkled as she smiled. I vainly wondered if she smiled without me there. The last memory was one I usually regretted recalling, its intensity always allowing me to remember the monster that lives within me. This particular time, as the memory filled my senses, my mind did it no justice. My love's perfect, floral scent was the final piece to the puzzle. Normally, after I allowed the incredible sensation to fill my nostrils, the disgust I harbored for myself—the monster—would lash out quickly and unflinchingly. It would be then that I would snap from my daze, returning to the real world. Yet this time when I found my thirsty throat yearning to remember the taste, the smell, I was thoroughly disappointed.
My face scrunched in confusion. In the back of my mind, I knew what was happening. I refused to believe, however, that I would be able to do what for so long I had wished to accomplish. As my thoughts slowly became clearer, and as my memories died away, my deathly black eyes opened. It was then I realized the truth; I could almost feel my unmoving heart stop beating. My love—my reason for wandering, seclusion, deliriousness, self-loathing, and living—was finally drifting away. I knew that somewhere she was smiling without me. I now would never smile again. My inability to remember the warmth of her touch and eyes led me to make a decision—very irresponsible, but now ultimately irreversible. I could never live in a world where my love would love another, in a world where my love would forget me as I had devastatingly started to forget her. My sudden decision was resolute. I would not lose her again; it was soulfully impossible. It tore my cold heart into nothing with merely the thought. If I could not live in a world without her, I would return to her and shamelessly beg for her back. If I had any pride, it would go to waste. I needed her touch, her warmth, her selflessness, but most of all, I needed her unconditional love.
As my chest ached of her, I knew I must win her back or die. Subconsciously I stood, taking no note of anything around me. My feet moved automatically, quickly, my muscles on autopilot. It was as though they knew exactly where to take me: as many steps as it took to return to the one I lived for, the one reason I cared. My love. My Bella.
So--tell me if you would like me to continue this or not. I actually do have a story line I would like to follow, I just can't seem to get the words out quick enough to satisfy my busy schedule. R&R are appreciated! Thanks!