Disclaimer: I do not own Daughters of the Moon.
"Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark, emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms; Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone? The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone…" – You Are The Moon, The Hush Sound
When you fall, you get back up, right? Even as searing pain stabs you, destroys your chance to rise from where you have fallen, you still try to stand and ignore the pain. It's common sense – when you fall, you get back up… I've seen Serena hit rock bottom, her chances of love falling with her, but she has gotten through. And Vanessa… She even withstood the pain; sailed past it and right back into the welcoming arms of her beloved Michael...
But when I fall, I remain on the ground, broken and far from repair as if I was a shattered vase.
Chris had been my first love; taking his position in my heart. And even when he not longer existed in the world, he forever lingered in that one spot in my heart, never abandoning me… Even though it was me, his former lover, who destroyed him – in more than one way.
And now, I sat on a chair on my porch, staring out into the cold night. It was colder than usual (for Los Angeles) – the leaves for frozen, the dirt and grass were dewy and moist because of the increasing humidity, and a white mist escaped me chilled lips.
Just as the Earth was frozen, so was my heart; contemplating the pieces of desire that barricaded it.
Although Chris was gone, –never coming back– Kyle was still here, standing by my side. Yes, Kyle and I were both incredibly artistic and creative, a part of me didn't feel right with him; when we hugged, when we "kissed", and when we made physical contact. Everything about us was immensely physical… Of course, I had been attracted to Chris, but a part of that infatuation formed because of his mysterious, quiet nature that drew me to him.
With Kyle… I felt compelled to figure out 'this attractive guy'; I was just the average high school girl, seeking out the legalized badass, hottie that patrolled the halls of school – Turney High, actually. It was only normal that me, Catty (who was alone and without love), would fall for an equal loner (However, It think he was aiming for the "alone" part).
I sighed, the same white mist whispering through my chapped lips.
"Catty?" a voice prompted.
I inclined my head in the direction of the front door, and saw my mother, standing with a bemused look on her face. Meekly, I straightened up and watched her, waiting for her to speak. She was my mother, and being my mother, she would sense the aura of stress clasped around my heart and mind.
"Are you alright…?"
I blinked, unsure of an answer. Of course I couldn't say No… Even is she already knew the true answer, saying it so bluntly would send her on a frenzy of worry and concern for her wallowing daughter… And, as a kind child, I wouldn't allow her to suffer.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
Kendra cocked her head, studying me, and to my relief, she smiled warmly. "Oh, alright… Come in soon – it's getting colder, and I don't want you getting sick or anything…" Turning on her heel, she sauntered back into the warmth of her house, probably still mulling over thoughts of me and my solemn mood.
After she had vanished from my presence, I averted my eyes back to the Earth, enjoying the slow song of a cricket, and the water flow of a nearby fountain. It was serenity to me – to be soothed in a time such as now where I am engrossed in thoughts about Chris and Kyle, two completely –yet equally– different men in my life. They were equal for making me miserable and they were equal for throwing me into a path of sorrow.
And it was Chris I forgave, not Kyle.
I had forgiven Chris the moment I reflected the luminescent glow of my amulet onto the scroll, thus destroying it… And along with its downfall, Chris perished in front of my eyes, becoming no more than a transparent ghost, leaving my world forever. And the second his form had vanished, Kyle had entered… Almost forcibly and without a thought, he reclaimed my heart and shoved Chris out of it.
The idea made me angry… not at Kyle, but at myself.
I was angry at her self for replacing Chris so heartlessly and allowing him to watch as I eagerly took his hand and exited the terrible realm of Nefandus. Even if Chris was only a ghost, I knew he had seen every minute that passed with Kyle.
A part of me –the sensible part– knew that he would be contempt at knowing I was happy and moving on, but the more self-loathing part screamed at me, telling me that the things I did with Kyle (kissing him, escaping with him as if he was my Indiana Jones) crushed Chris.
This time, the voice that called me was high and happy.
Sluggishly, I lifted my head and stared as Vanessa, my best friend, bounced up the steps of the porch, a wide smile on her face. I smiled back half-heartedly, not being able to produce a happy feel like Vanessa was right now.
"Why are you out her?" she asked, concern flooding her blue eyes as she gazed at me.
With Vanessa, I could tell the exact truth. I'm out here because I feel like hating myself for what I did to Chris; I'm out here because the cold isn't affecting me because I'm a heartless person; I'm out here because Chris won't leave my mind; I'm out here because I don't have… love.
I opted for a simpler reply.
"Oh, just thinking," I said absently.
Vanessa, although slightly skeptical, took the bait, and marched over to the wooden bench I sat on. After she had perched down next to me, she continued to stare at me as if waiting for me to start speaking. Once I had not decided to talk, she sighed.
"Are you still thinking about Chris?" she asked softly, hyper-aware of my frail heart at the moment.
I bit my tongue, commanding myself not to shed ay tears at the actual sound of his name. "Yes… I am," I admitted; much to the satisfaction of Vanessa. "I just feel so guilty, you know? I'm the reasons he's…" My teeth pressed down on my lower lip. "Dead."
Vanessa placed her cool hand on my thigh, successfully calming me down. "It's not your fault. You had to get rid of the scroll and even he knew that. You released him, remember." Her lips curled into a small smile. "You saved him, in a sense. Isn't that enough to not be guilty?"
I she was right, I told myself. The painful memory of him begging –pleading– for me to release him from his life and free him from condemned soul. But not even the knowledge that I broke the chains that enslaved him soothed my inner torment. His words were pleading though! I yelled at myself, bitter, You saved him and you should be happy, not sad!
Free me, he had croaked in a raspy voice as pain burned into his body.
I can't. And it was true… How could anyone destroy the one they loved dearly? How could anyone be cruel enough to –basically– murder a person that had brought joy to their life?
Do it, Catty, he had pressed, Please don't make me suffer more. I need peace…
"I saved him," I whispered, my eyes trained on my own lap. To my right, I could sense the smile that had slipped across Vanessa's face knowing that she had "revived" her best friend.
But you didn't have to kill the person you loved, I thought bitterly. Don't be mad at her, I told myself. It was unjust to be angry with someone who was merely trying to replenish the happiness that left my heart. Vanessa was here, assuring me that what I had done was an act of "charity". And I suppose it was – to free someone from a miserable life was genuine and compassionate.
It would have bee selfish to force him to stay on Earth, withering in pain torture.
"Catty… Are you alright?"
I swallowed the emptiness in my heart and mind, and nodded once.
"Do you want to go inside?" she tried again.
This time, I turned toward her. She was still here, with me, and smiling with the kindness I knew was hers. She wasn't leaving, and she was with me, my best friend. And hopefully, there wouldn't be a time where I would have to destroy her again (the first time being when I neglected her to be with Tianna). I wouldn't make the same mistake ever again.
"Yes," I answered, rising from the bench. "I'll go inside…"
Vanessa sighed. "So you're alright…?"
I stared out into the night, the humming of the cricket still playing.
"Yes," I murmured. "I'm alright…"