Mystery Science Theater 3000

Operation: Return to Earth

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow T Robot had just finished viewing their last experiment, Diabolik, and Tom was trying to steer the Satellite of Love back to Earth.

Mike stood calmly at his side.

"Tom, what's our situation?" he asked.

"Beginning reentry, Mike," said Tom.

"Good."

KABLAM!

The entire ship shook.

"Total heat shield failure, Mike!" Tom cried.

"Bad. What's going on?!" Mike asked, panic beginning to set in.

CRASH!

"Deck 3: broken away!" Tom replied.

CRASH!

"Deck 4: broken away!"

CRASH!

"Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!" Mike ordered.

Cambot gave them an image.

The SOL was doing a nosedive towards Earth. Bits and pieces of the once wonderful ship were detaching themselves.

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!

"Deck 5: broken away! Deck 6: broken away! Deck 7: melting…and broken away!" Tom announced.

"Gypsy, what do we do?!" Mike cried.

Gypsy appeared.

"We burn up horribly. It's too terrible to contemplate," she wailed. "Oh God in heaven, please have mercy on our souls."

"I'll call Pearl," Mike said.

As he yelled, some sort of gas was somehow released and engulfed Mike and the Bots in it.

"Uh-oh! Toxic gas entering our lungs and nasal passages!" announced Tom.

"PEARL!" Mike screamed as he, Tom and Gypsy coughed through the gas.

Down in Castle Forrester, the entire place had been cleaned out.

Pearl, Bobo and Observer stood huddled in the back.

"Now sing, damn it! Sing!" Pearl ordered.

They slowly made their way toward the door.

"It's a long way to tipperary…!" they sang.

Pearl then noticed Mike on the screen. She approached it, allowing Bobo and Observer to flee.

"Look, Nelson, move on. I am," she said.

And she pulled the plug.

They never saw her again.

Everyone continued to scream and shout as they dropped faster towards Earth.

CRASH!

"Whoa! DECK 9: BROKEN THROUGH DECKS 10 AND 11!" Tom hollered over the noise.

"This is it! We're going down!" screamed Gypsy.

"Brace for impact!" shouted Tom.

"We're all gonna die!" Mike wailed.

Crow suddenly appeared.

"Mike, have you seen my other sweater?!" he shouted.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" everyone shouted.

Cambot's image was blocked by the rolling smoke that enveloped him.

KKKKKAAAAA-BBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM

CRASH!

WHAM!

BANG!

THUD!

KABLAM!

Cambot's image remained completely white.

There was a long silence that filled the air…


In the not-too-distant future… Now leaving time and space…

Mike Nelson and his robot pals have escaped from a nasty place.

They prevailed and survived the wrath of Pearl. She's an evil gal who tried to rule the world.

From her castle below, she set her sights above, and in her silliness, she went and freed the Satellite of Love!

MIKE: I'M…COMING…DOWN!

She sent him cheesy movies. The worst she could find. (La, la, la)

Mike had to sit and watch them all as she monitored his mind. (La, la, la)

Now keep in mind Mike couldn't control where the movies began or end. (La, la, la)

But he kept his sanity with the help of his robot friends!

Robot Roll Call

Cambot (Gimme Rocket Number Nine!)

Gypsy (I don't get you)

Tom Servo (I'm the wind, baby)

Crooooow! (Bite me!)

If you're wondering how he ate and breathed and other science facts… (La, la, la)

just repeat to yourself, "It was just a show. I should really just relax."

It was Mystery Science Theater 3000!


The flames of the Satellite of Love were beginning to spread around the forest it had crashed in.

Firemen were desperately trying to put out the fire.

There was only one place that wasn't alight, and that was the area near the bridge.

Construction workers were desperately trying to chop into it.

Two government officials were overseeing the wreckage.

As they watched the operation, a big black limousine drove up.

A man stepped out of it. He wore a black tux and had gray hair. On his jacket's chest pocket, there was a white capital G that was designed like a gear.

He was the president of Gizmonic Institute.

He approached the officials.

They faced him.

"Well…?" he asked.

The first one spoke.

"We can't be sure, but all evidence seems to point to it being the Satellite of Love," he said.

"Finally," the President sighed. "Now we can find out who stole it and why. Have you found any bodies?"

"We're conducting a search right now," said the second one. "So far we've deduced that the heat shields must have failed on a reentry. Whoever was piloting must've been a complete and utter moron, at best."

"Well, when I get my hands on whoever stole my ship…," the President muttered bitterly.

Just then, a construction worker approached.

"We've managed to breech the hull, sir," he said. "We're going through the ship right now. We'll alert you once we've found anyone."

"What have you found so far?" asked the President.

"The only thing that was intact was that we could find was this suitcase," said the worker, holding up a slightly singed suitcase. "It's got nothing but bags of rice in it."

"The fiends," the President growled.

"Uh, sir, it's just rice," said one of the officials.

Just then, they heard someone shout.

"HEY, WE'VE GOT SOMETHING!"

They all ran closer to wreckage.

The men were slowly dragging a giant metal structure out of the satellite.

It was large and purple with a giant white lip and what appeared to be a flashlight for an eye.

"It appears to be a robot," said one of the workers.

"Wait, here's another!" said a worker.

Someone pulled out a small squat robot that had a gumball machine for a head.

"I wonder how the arms work," contemplated one of the officials.

"We've got two more as well," said worker, pulling out two more robots.

One was a small orb with a camera lens built into it, and the other was a Tupperware dish / ping pong balls / hockey mask / bowling pin designed robot.

The President examined them.

"Hmmm…," he said, looking closely at the camera robot. "They're made from parts of the ship. It would explain why the thief could stay in space for so long. He built companions to keep him sane."

Then there was another shout.

"WE'VE GOT SOMEONE!" shouted a worker.

The President glared into the remains of the ship.

"Sir?" asked the first official. "Do you suppose that the disappearance of the janitor, Joel Robinson ten years ago?"

"No, it couldn't be him. We were given words that he had quit and last I heard, he's opened a Hot Fish Shop in Minnesota," said the President.

"Ooh, fun!" said the second one.

Then they saw a bunch of people gather around the entrance.

They managed to pull the man out.

He was slightly bruised and his blue jumpsuit was burnt and torn slightly, but he was alive and well for the most part.

"Hmmm," said the first official. "He doesn't look smart enough to actually steal a ship and build four robots."

"Well, let's get him to the Gizmonic Hospital," said the President. "We can interrogate him later."

"What about the robots?" asked the second official.

"We'll put them in storage for now. We'll dismantle them and use them for parts later."

"Yes, sir."

The man was loaded onto a gurney and carted away into an ambulance. Before he was loaded aboard, he managed to briefly open his eyes and see the burning wreckage that had once been his home. He also saw his robot friends being loaded into the back of a truck.

Mike passed out.