Disclaimer: I do not own the Weasleys, Hogwarts or any affiliated Harry Potter themes.
Summary: Molly Weasley has gotten tired of the tirade of complaints and Howlers about Fred and George's pranks.. so she gives them a list. A list of things they aren't allowed to do upon penalty of death. Their reaction? Complete disbelief. One-Shot. No pairings.
Dedication: To Billy (for her awsome Fred and George fic that inspired me to write this), Shay (Because she makes me laugh and is seeing me through my current Harry Potter craze) and Camilla (for giving me that slimming vegetable costume! ;P)
150 Things I am Not Allowed to Do in Hogwarts
Upon penalty of death or worse.
Buggar it all to hell and back. Mum came up with another one of her… I shudder to say it… lists. And this time, it has gone too far! This time… It has to do with us. Me and my brother; George. Or, as Hermione or Percy would aptly put it, 'my brother and I'. And before you ask, yes I do know what the word aptly means! I'm not as stupid as you look, no offence meant, mates.
So, on to the list… Mum made it when Minnie… erm, Professor McGonagall I mean. Hehe… --shifty eyes-- Anyway, Mum made it when Professor M Owled her about one of our… extra curricular activities, you could say. How were we to know that she had saved every single complaint letter about us? I mean, honestly, the woman's obsessed.
Of course, how were we to know that there would be a hundred and fifty letters against us as well?
Sure, we like to have our fun, but a hundred and fifty? Someone must really have it out for us. So about this 'list' of Mum's… normally her lists are joyful things like our chores, or 'Horrible Things that will happen to You if you don't DeGnome the garden in one hour'. You know; fun things. This time Mum made it about the things that George and I aren't allowed to do in Hogwarts… one hundred and fifty things to be precise.
Don't laugh at us! Our plight is serious! Without us, Hogwarts would fall into a boring, and incredibly lethal (yes, we do know what lethal means too! Honestly, you people think so little of us.), silence! There would be no pranks, wars, disturbances of any sort and that would lead to the ultimate downfall of… yes, you guessed it… joy and laughter. Laughter, people, laughter! See how bad our situation has become? I told you mates, serious plight!
Oh, of course you'd want to know what we're not allowed to do. --narrows eyes-- you just want to laugh at us, don't you? Well fine. Far be it from me to deprive people of laughter. (See how nice I am? Honestly, this is what I'm talking about!) Here it is… the list! Of Doom! … Sorry, I just can't resist these things…
The List of Forbidden Pastimes for Fred and George
By Molly Weasely
1- I am not allowed to refer to pickled newt's brain as 'Snape Food'.
2- The same rule applies to bad dung.
3- I may not chase Seamus Finnegan around school in search of his 'Pot o' Gold'.
4- Nor am I allowed to tell people he's a leprechaun on steroids.
5- I may not question the Hufflepuff's loyalty.
6- I am not allowed to purposefully charm Filch's underwear into a wedgie.
7- Nor am I allowed to do it 'by accident'.
8- I am not allowed to yodel during important parts of Dumbledore's speech.
9- The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason. I may not tell First Years that there is a party down there.
10- Especially when there isn't.
11- I may not refer to Sirius Black as 'Seriously Black'.
12- Just because I use air quotes does not mean the rules have changed.
13- Nor am I allowed to call him a wigga.
14- Blaise Zabini is not my 'brotha from anotha motha'. I am not allowed to call him that.
15- Nor am I allowed to call Draco Malfoy my 'sista from anotha mista'.
16- Even if I do suspect he's a girl.
17- "Like a cow in the springtime" is not an acceptable phrase to use in my essay. I may not do so.
18- I am not allowed to smack others with my wand. For whatever reason – if I have a problem with somebody, I must go to a teacher.
19- Professor McGonagall is not my "bitch".
20- Just because she morphs into a female animal does not make her my "bitch".
21- Nor is she my "home gurl".
22- I am not allowed to refer to my brother as my 'clone'.
23- He is not my 'bookend' either.
24- Nor is Ron, Percy's 'mini-me'.
25- I am not the Easter Bunny.
26- I am not allowed to tell people I am the Easter Bunny.
27- Just because I dress up in a rabbit costume, it does not mean I'm the Easter Bunny; it means I'm weird.
28- I may not 'frolic' to class.
29- I may not sell Hermione's homework for profit.
30- I may not attempt to breed House Elves.
31- Nor may I attempt to buy their children.
32- I may not refer to Slytherins as "Children of the Korn".
33- I am not allowed to call Harry "Scarface".
34- Nor am I allowed to call him "Pothead".
35- I am not allowed to ask First Years if they need help 'polishing their wand'. No matter how funny their reactions are.
36- I may not perform last rights on Harry as he sleeps.
37- I am not blind; I may not tell people I am.
38- Nor is my brother dead. I may not tell them that either.
39- The portrait of the Fat Lady is not called 'Piggy'. I may not call her that. Nor may I encourage her to diet.
40- I may not attempt to poke Nearly Headless Nick. No matter how fun it is.
41- I may not initiate an Inter-House Bunking Day.
42- I may not go to class in the Girl's uniform.
43- No matter how 'breezy' I think the skirt is.
44- Hagrid is not going to eat me.
45- I am not "emo". I may not act like I am.
46- I am not allowed to refer to Dumbledore as "pops".
47- I am not a mutated bullfrog. I must remember this.
48- There is no such thing as the 'Ugly Disease'. I may not tell people that they have it.
49- I am not allowed to randomly point at people and shriek.
50- Nor am I allowed to claim that 'their face burns my eyes'.
51- Mike Rotch has heard every possible joke about his name; I may not repeat them.
52- No, that was not a challenge.
53- Building a giant model of the moon made entirely of cheese is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.
54- I may not refer to Peeves as "Peewee".
55- Nor am I allowed to call him Caspar; his name is Peeves.
56- I may not question Ernie as to where 'Bert' is.
57- I am not allowed to ask Hermione why she has a squirrel on her head.
58- That is her hair; I must leave it alone.
59- I am not allowed to lick people just for the fun of it.
60- Nor am I allowed to bite them. It is unsanitary.
61- My father is not Micheal Jackson.
62- Neither is my mother.
63- I may not tell Professor Snape that I think he's sexy.
64- Nor may I tell him that I want to have his babies.
65- I may not repeat that to any member of staff. I must remember that I'm male – it's genetically impossible for me to have anyone's babies.
66- No, that was not a challenge.
67- I am not Merlin.
68- Just because I have a shiny hat does not make me Merlin.
69- No one cares about the fact that I think I'm Merlin.
70- I must get over my obsession of spoons.
71- Millicent Bulstrode is not a man; I may not tell her she looks like one.
72- I may not tell people that if they anger me I will eat their first born child.
73- I may not steal Professor Trelawny's glasses just because I like them.
74- I may, however, tell her that they please me.
75- Draco Malfoy is not a vampire. I am not allowed to "stake" him.
76- I am not allowed to form Satanic cults simply because I'm bored.
77- I may not step on the head's of First Years due to the fact that they're shorter than I am.
78- I am not allowed to "inform" people that they have cancer and will promptly die in four days.
79- I may not answer "Yo Momma" when Professor McGonagall asks me if I'm paying attention in class.
80- I may not attempt to bribe Professor Sprout. Especially with leftover vegetables from last night's dinner.
81- I may not publicly accuse Madame Pomfrey of 'sampling' the medication.
82- Nor may I offer to join her.
83- Voldemort is not my uncle.
84- Nor has he ever been.
85- I am not allowed to 'stalk' the First Years.
86- Nor am I allowed to 'hunt' them.
87- Salazar Slytherin is not my 'bitch'.
88- In fact, I have no bitch.
89- Hugging the wrong end of a Blast Ended Skrewt is a bad idea. I may not do so.
90- Ron is not Hermione's pimp. I may not tell everyone that he is.
91- Nor am I her pimp.
92- I may not attempt to 'convert' the Hufflepuffs.
93- I am not allowed to tell everyone that Malfoy blows Snape on a nightly basis.
94- It is not my 'duty' to inform the staff of the large bag of weed under Goyle's bed.
95- Especially if it turns out to be regular cut grass.
96- I may not attempt to cut Snape's hair.
97- Nor am I allowed to sell it.
98- Eating a bar of chocolate that weighs more than I do is a bad idea. I may not do so.
99- I may not burst into tears every time someone smiles at me.
100- I am not allowed to randomly develop an accent and switch them at will.
101- The Centaurs are free-thinking creatures; I may not attempt to "tame" them.
102- Nor am I allowed to attempt to breed them.
103- I am not allowed to draw naughty stick figures on the wall as the teacher turns around.
104- Nor am I allowed to openly mock her reaction.
105- I may not dye my skin blue.
106- Professor Dumbledore is not a woman in disguise; I may not tell everyone that he is.
107- I may not steal the bludgers and release them during Potions class.
108- I am not allowed to sign Lucius Malfoy up to be a 'playmate'. Nor am I allowed to laugh when he gets accepted.
109- I may not tell Ron that Hermione is a lesbian just to see what he does.
110- I am not allowed to inform Remus that his last name rhymes with "poopin'".
111- I may not claim to be the next Dark Lord.
112- Nor may I claim to be "Hogwarts' Queen".
113- I am not allowed to steal the toilet seats in every bathroom.
114- Nor am I allowed to sell them.
115- I am not offer to cook people's owls.
116- Trevor is not food.
117- I am not allowed to strip dance for extra credit.
118- I may not steal everyone's left shoe.
119- Nor may I steal their right ones.
120- I may not steal Collin's camera and use it to take nude pictures of myself.
121- I am not allowed to try and kiss the Giant Squid.
122- I am not allowed to tell Cho that she's putting on weight nicely just to see if she'll cry.
123- I may not attempt to eat Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris.
124- Nor may I attempt to eat his pants.
125- I may not point and laugh at the Ravenclaws.
126- I am not allowed to scream "Rape! Rape!" in a public place every time Professor Snape walks by.
127- I am not allowed to jump students in dark hallways.
128- Nor am I allowed to jump professors there either. In fact, I'm not allowed to jump anyone, anywhere. Dark hallway, or not.
129- No, that was not a challenge.
130- Rita Skeeter in her animagus form will not make a good pet. I may not keep her.
131- I may not throw a wild, raucous party the day before an exam.
132- In fact, I'm not allowed to throw a party at all.
133- I may not tell Luna that she belongs in a phsyc ward. No matter how crazy I think she is.
134- I may not steal cutlery from the kitchens.
135- Nor may I attempt to steal the House Elves.
136- Fawkes is not food. I may not eat him.
137- I am not allowed to recite Professor McGonagall's dating history to the class.
138- Especially when I know the list is fabricated and includes several stray cats.
139-Draco Malfoy is not Harry Potter's illicit lover. I may not tell people he is.
140- Stripping during breakfast is not a great way to show Gryffindor bravery; I may not do it.
141- Nor may I do it during dinner.
142- I am not allowed to tell people that I'm "The Fredinator" and that my brother is "The Georgetor".
143- My life motto may not be "what happens in Hogwarts, stays in Hogwarts".
144- I am not allowed to take any Slytherin up on the challenge: "You wouldn't dare hex me, Weasley."
145- Not am I allowed to hex them unchallenged.
146- I may not snorkel in the prefect's bathroom.
147- I may not wonder aloud why Myrtle looks so pale today when I know she's in the room.
148- Nor may I mock the way she died.
149- I am not allowed to attempt to suck other people's thumbs.
150- I may not claim that Snape is Dumbledore's bitch. Nor may I allude to any threesome of sorts between them and Voldemort.
And so now you know exactly what our punishment entails… well, we have two: this one, and the other is that we are permanently the garden DeGnomers until we die. This list just sucks the fun out of Hogwarts! I mean, we went to Hogwarts to cause mayhem and perfect our pranking… you didn't think we went to learn did you? You disgust me! What kind of people do you think we are? Going to a school to learn. Honestly, people these days… No priorities what so ever.
Like I said though, this sucks the fun out Hogwarts! This list is a… a… a fun sucker! Just like Mum! You heard me, fun sucker. And the worst part is, if we ever break any of those rules Mum will kill us. And dance on our graves. And have you seen how badly she dances? It really looks like she's been hexed with the Jelly Legs Curse. I mean, honestly, is she supposed to flail her arms in an unnatural manner? Now, call me crazy, but I think not.
Well… I may have a solution: Don't get caught.
Yes, what Mum (and similarly, Minnie… erm –cough– Professor is what I mean!) won't know, won't hurt them. The plan is genius.
On a similar note, that if we do end up dying, Ginny gets our room and joke supplies. Why? Simply because we know she'll use them appropriately. Why invent quality jokes if they're going to end up at Mum's disposal? So yes, what Mum won't know, won't hurt her.
We solemnly swear we are up to no good.
Fred and George Weasley
This is quite long, but it's really all the list's fault. Blame it. Review please, C'mon! Have a heart! --cheesy grin--