Cheesy pick up lines

Matt x Near


I was bored. And that was saying something. It wasn't often that I grew bored, in fact it was more likely to be struck by lightning. Or something.

Despite the absence of my so-called best friend Mello, it was relatively easy to entertain myself. After he left the orphanage with a hissy fit because he wasn't L's successor, two player games became useless. But that still leaves more than half of my games left.

Mello, during the time when he was here, had a saying. 'When bored, bug Near.' Of course, this isn't a heavily thought out and quotable saying, but it's at least something to do.

Mello's idea of 'bugging near' consisted of mainly beating the snot out of him, making fun of him, or breaking his things. All very amusing, however none had even managed to get a glare out of his target. You'd think as a genius Mello would realize this and try something new.

Of course, Mello was the kind of person who had the same hair style since the age of five.

While Mello's ways of 'bugging near' were all straight forward, I preferred a more tactical and sneaky approach. Not as sneaky as Near himself could be, mind you. He was, in fact, the only person in this orphanage ever able to beat L at a game of tic-tac-toe. Its harder then it sounds, trust me. However, I do enjoy sneakiness as it makes life more interesting.

Deciding my plan of action was relatively simple. Near, being a person who views items as merely objects, people as merely beings, and puzzles as the most interesting thing on the planet, would only have one very large and very susceptible weakness.

And so, I put my plan into action.

My timing was perfect as I approached. In the corner of the common room Near sat, stacking and creating a nice sized city created completely out of coins from all around the world. Perfect.

Approaching him without fear, I bent over and lifted up a quarter. Near paid me no mind. I knew if I held onto it long enough I would get his attention – Near is the type of obsessive compulsive person who picks out just how many things he's going to play with before hand. The lack of a single quarter would result in him looking toward me.

Stealing the quarter would be a Mello thing to do. I had bigger plans.

"Say, Near…" He turned to look at me out of respect. My eyes locked with his, and I held his gaze evenly. "If I flip this quarter, what are the chances of me getting head?"

Through our held gaze, there would be no mistaking my words.

And oh, if his eyes did not widen to the size of plates.

"Tell you what." I was so not done! "You be the ice burg, I'll be the titanic, and I'll go down on you."

There it was, as pink as a cherry pie. A sweet, sweet blush. If only Mello could see this, he would piss himself laughing.

"I'm wondering." for my last act, the best of them all. "Are you like a Rubix cube? You know, the more I play with you, the harder you get?"

I couldn't hold it anymore. I grinned like an acid tripping child rapist in a child-filled candy store. Near turned pinker then a bride on her wedding day. My day, year, and life were complete.

"What inspired this?" Near questioned, his cheeks still that adorable shade of strawberry.

I shrugged, still grinning. "I was bored."

For the life of me, I never thought hitting on Near with cheesy pick up lines would have such an effect.

"If you're a board," he stated calmly. "Can I nail you?"

If that wasn't the funniest shit I'd ever heard in my life, let a large group of Japanese men with nice guns shoot me dead. The entire playroom stared as I fell to the floor, laughing harder then I'd ever laughed in my life.

Ah, Mello. If only you knew the other side of this boy, you never would have left. Oh well. More fun for me.