Danko Kaji- Hello everybody. Chapter four is finally here and it's stock-filled with more randomness! Hoorah!! (Throws arms in the air)
Tatsumaru Lee- Welcome to the first installment of our talk show for the story. (Fireworks explode in the background and he sits into his comfy chair. He also tips his Kung Lao hat as he begins to speak)
Hello everyone. As you know, I'm Tatsu Lee, Kaji's close friend/buddy/brother/awsome/awesomeness/I ran out of things to say. Oh, and this is Danko, the writer. (Points his thumb at me) You get my drift.
Danko Kaji- Dude, you're not giving me enough credit!
Tatsumaru Lee- Geez, you're just like that J.K. Rowling person. You always demand credit. (Cough, cough) I win in arguments like this all the time.
Dank Kaji- Whatever. Let's just get back on topic.
Tatsumaru Lee- Wait, there was a topic? Why am I always the last one to know these things? (Anime crying)
Danko Kaji- Shaddup. Now the first question of the day is... (Drum roll)
1) What's the deal with the rabid Riku and banana poptarts?
Tatsumaru Lee- As you have seen Riku in previous chapters, he reacted to the mention of banana poptarts in a homicidal way, don't you think?
Of course, poptarts are Gods meant to be eaten. They are evil in substance.
Danko Kaji- That's because they do not exist, dumbo. It's only that tasty to you and Chaser Luminai because it's all in your imagination. Get back to reality, will ya?
Tatsumaru Lee- I'm so not digging this casting. It sucks.
Danko Kaji- But you're the one who's idea was to host a cast for talk shows and junk. Why are you complaining?
Tatsumaru Lee- You know what, this casting sucks and you're all fired! (He's under the delusion he's firing the cast)
Danko Kaji- We're the only cast here, stupid.
Tatsu- What about Chase? Even though he's not here doesn't mean he isn't cast.
Kaji- You'll never fire him because he's your best friend. Face it.
Tatsu- Let's get back on topic, please.
Kaji- Finally! Next question.
Tatsu- No, it's not a question. The whole chain saw idea and exterminating Sora was my idea, you know. I play Gears of War (GoW) and I'm a huge fan. I'll shoot you all with my little friend. (Draws a lancer at the audience and proceeds to chain saw his own hosts' table.)
Kaji- (Jumps back from the violence) Damn it, Tatsu. You gone insane!!
Tatsu- (grin) Welcome to the club
Kaji- ...That's it. Time for me to pitch in. (Takes out a metal harisen and whacks Tatsu out cold.)
And one last note. The Mario Bros. have made their guest appearance and I don't know if it's funny or just pure randomness. XD
Tatsu- And the Mario Brothers was my idea... (groans in pain)
Danko Kaji- I thought you were supposed to be unconscious!
Tatsu- Oh, and by the way, Danko, did you introduce the name of the school, yet?
Danko Kaji- I'm getting to that.
The school's name is Vidameago High for a reason. It's 'video game' scrambled around. So you can tell other video game characters will guest appear, but I won't tell who.
Tatsu- One last thing before we end this talk show. (Faces the audience) I hate you all.
Kaji- (LOL) For now, I bid adieu. Have fun with this chapter.
Tatsu- I know I did.
Chapter 4- Perversity was Meant for Reality
"There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult." –Warren Buffett
"Finally, we survived."
"Somehow, someway. It's a miracle!" Sora's so enthusiastic, it's too funny. We entered my house, and dropping the bags of clothing I doubt I'm going to wear, I collapsed on my living room couch.
Not the most comfortable thing in the world, but I sighed tiredly in relief anyway. It's a blessing for my body to feel rest.
"Girls can be such busy-bodies, man. Who knew they had so much time in their hands to work and make themselves look pretty." I remarked, before adding as an after thought. "Well, some girls' efforts are useless anyway. Half of them don't even look half-decent." I heard Sora plop on one of the armchairs next to the couch, his arms making soft popping noises when he stretched.
"True that. That's why I never think of getting a girl."
"Oh, really?" I inquired in interest. "Please do tell."
"Well…" He looked awkward about it, and that motivated me more to press for an answer.
"Please don't tell me you're gay." I smirked when Sora deadpanned in shock.
"Riku! What kind of best friend are you?"
"A good best friend." I shrugged in my slouched position. "Anyway, doesn't Kairi interest you anymore?" His comical face was replaced with a heavy expression.
"About that… I don't want to go through the trouble of getting her or any other girl if she is deeply attracted to someone else."
I snorted in disbelief. "It sounds as if you given up on Kairi."
"I did give up on Kairi."
"I thought you were deeply infatuated with her enough to stick with her."
"I just think it's hopeless. The guy she likes is a lot better than I ever will be."
"Who can stand a chance against you, Sora? Unlike most dudes in this generation, you're kind and cheerful… and encouraging… and…what else…" I paused to exhale a huge yawn before scratching my stomach in thought. Man, I feel tired. "Uh… where was I again?"
Sora just stared at me before scratching his cheek.
"Um… you were listing— no, wait!"
"Huh?" Sora was wearing a mischievous grin. I didn't catch it because I gazed at the ceiling, thinking if it's a good idea to close my eyes for a few minutes.
"You were just proclaiming your love to me."
"Yeah, yeah. And then incest will become legal. You know that will never happen." Sora pouted, childishly crossing his arms over his grey shirt.
"It's never easy to trick you."
"I may be out of it—." Again. "—But that doesn't leave me stupid."
"Anyway, I don't stand a chance again y— I mean, him." He quickly corrected himself so I couldn't catch it.
"Okay, not Kairi. What about any other girls?"
"Eh…" Sora scratched his head in thought before shrugging. "Nahh. It doesn't look like I'll want anyone else except maybe Kairi, but I don't need a girlfriend if I have you as a best friend, Riku."
I feel so touched, if only I had heard him. I dozed off. Noticing the silence, Sora leaned on the armchair to check if I was awake.
"…Yeah, yeah… I hear ya…" I mumbled tiredly.
Sora's gone strangely quiet. I closed my eyes to feel the comfort of sleep nagging at my conscious. It was momentarily silent to the point I dozed off, again. "You kinda look better as a girl, Riku."
I barely heard him, but I couldn't respond in my half-asleep mode.
"Almost like, you were born to look like a girl." Sora seemed so reluctant to voice that out. I guess me being tired makes him feel more open to confess when I have less of a chance to lash out at him or tease him.
"Riku?" His voice sounds so full and smooth when I'm in the brink of sleeping. It kinda helps my small headache. "Riku." He keeps calling my name and his voice is beginning to drone out.
"Riku?!" Sora sounds frantic. Unexpectedly, I felt his hands grip my shoulders as I am being harshly shaken awake. Geez, my body feels heavy…and sore. "Riku, are you awake? Are you even alive?! Say something!"
"Heh, heh, I'm so tiiirrrreeed…" I heard a yelp from Sora when I rolled over to drop on the carpet. I think I fell on top of him, but I didn't care. My brain is half-dead by this point.
"Um…" Sora couldn't say anything at the moment until a simple breeze blew through the open window. I shivered involuntarily. Man, why do girls have to be so cold-blooded?
I forgot Sora was even here and I hugged closer what I thought was the couch pillow. I feel warmer already. Is it natural for a pillow to give warmth?
"Shouldn't you be getting off me now, Riku? It's kinda embarrassing…"
"Why…? I don't feel like it. Nighty night." I chimed as I tried to fall asleep. So exhausted… too many hours shopping... tied too tight in ropes… just want to sleep.
"I guess I have to do it." Do what?
My eyes snapped open and I gasped the moment I felt his fingers tickle my stomach.
"Ha ha ha— Don't do that!" As an immediate reflex, my arm shot out to aim a punch at his shoulder. However, I missed his shoulder and punched the side of his head.
"OW! My head! Hey, that hurts!"
I growled under my breath seeing as he won't let me have some rest. Sora rubbed his head in a pout as I defensively scooted away from him.
"You know how I hate it when you do that." I seethed, trying to rub the ticklishness off my stomach.
"Well, you wouldn't get off. How else was I supposed to get you up?"
"Be a bit more considerate next time. Damn it…" I hate being ticklish. My one and only weakness. Well, except for banana poptarts.
Suddenly, my phone rang. Both of us immediately quieted, waiting for the phone to stop ringing until the machine picked up a message.
'Riku, honey. This is your parents, so listen up. We wanted to call and check if you are alright– Your father wanted to say hi and that we will be back in a couple of weeks–
"What!?" I yelled in disbelief. Oh, great. I'm stuck here by myself. Who knows what will happen to me in just two weeks. At least they won't find out I'm a girl anytime soon.
–There's enough food in the fridge so you can pig out and eat whatever you like. And you know where the money is if you want to buy some take-out like Pop-eyes or something–
"Yay! FOOD!!" Sora bounced in the air while I groaned in misfortune. More problems. You can never stop Sora when he's in the knowledge of free food. Especially when it comes to my food. The mortgage bill is nothing compared to the money for food.
–And if you ever get lonely, Riku dearest, you can always rely on your boy, Sora. He's a great kid, so don't kill him, yet. I doubt you'll ever get bored with that idiot causing trouble.
–Wait, Sora is still allowed in the house? I thought you banned him after he broke the big screen TV and destroyed our toaster–
"Ahh, yes. The toaster. Poor toaster, he never had a chance against Sora." I remarked rather sympathetically. Ever since Sora busted the toaster, we didn't have banana poptarts for five whole days. It felt like five months to me.
"How was I supposed to know that the pepper jar was technically gunpowder and the– You know what? What were you guys doing with gunpowder in the first place?"
Cautiously, I noticed the assassination plan number 51: Terminate Sora document peeking out from under the couch cushion and I immediately stuffed it back in. The last time I remembered its content, the mission tools required aliens, gunpowder, a chain saw, and two disgusting banana chocolate poptarts.
"Nothing you should know about."
–And one more thing before I end the call... If Sora breaks one more thing in our house... you can say estella vista to your little friend. And that's not a threat, but a promise.'
Beep. And the message is done.
"God, I wish I had my chain saw..." I muttered under my breath without knowing. From time to time, my brain has half the mind to kill Sora and another half mind to protect him against my psycho mother. Noticing Sora's anxious expression, I quirked an eyebrow in question.
"What is it?"
"Riku. Sometimes you really scare me."
"I know, but that's why you're my best friend." He's only my best friend because he's stupid enough to trust a weirdo like me.
Sora's eyes began to water, to my amusement, from his bad luck. I guess he's aware of it, too. He's an idiot. And my mom's out to get him.
"And just to let you know Sora," I said, "My mom used to be a homicidal patient in a mental hospital. You're lucky that she didn't skin you dry when you lost her wedding ring. Oh, and you're also lucky I didn't maim you to death when you busted the toaster. You should know very well what happens if I am deprived of my banana poptarts for more than 16 hours."
"I wonder who you take after more..." Sora replied under his breath, and unfortunately for him, I heard it.
"Why you little– I'll show you who I take after." If Sora has seen the part of me from my mother's side, he'll get to experience my dad's side, too. I raised my arms out wide and glomped my idiot.
"My best best buddy!!" I exclaimed jovially. It just seems to appear that I have a random urge to hug my friend from time to time."I'm so glad you're still here! Because you're my favorite moron."
"Riku, I think you're high."
"You silly, I don't drink soda. It's coffee that hits the spot."
"It has been proven. You are high."
"You won't survive to tell the tale if I am really high."
Yeah, that's my excuse. Except, I know Sora will never tell a soul about my overly twisted personality because he knows the price when he spills a secret. Though I think Sora prefers to give hugs than receive them. Especially since I'm always too mature to give hugs, in public anyway.
"Anyway, I got you something, Riku."
"What is it?" I had to detach myself from Sora so he could fish out something from his pocket. Sitting cross-legged on the carpet, I watched him pull out a... plushie thing. A black cat plushie. I thought black cats were supposed to be unlucky. And I think that answered my enquiry.
"It's a toy! And I got it for you since you're a girl and I thought you might grow to like these things." He looked so childish with that big grin on his face, and I swore I saw his cheeks turn pink but it just could've been my imagination.
And I just stared at the thing in his hands without a word, just wondering if it's wise to accept such a thing. Because Sora is one to like toys, not me.
"Shouldn't you be giving that to Kairi? She likes these kind of things a lot more than I do." My heart kinda pulled at the mention of her name.
"Yeah, I know. But she hates cats, and besides. I wanted to give it to you. It reminded me of your mom because of the black hair and yellow eyes."
My heart rose with a pleasant feeling and I smiled small. I took his gift and he smiled wider from my acceptance. I wouldn't blame him for thinking that. It's just I rarely accept any gifts.
"Thanks. It doesn't look bad. I'll just put it on the night stand so whenever I wake up, I'll see it." I only said this kind of girly thing because I knew Sora would be happier. And it worked. Now he glomped me in his own bear hug.
"I knew you'd like it. I just had this feeling you would."
"That's because you gave me the doll. I wouldn't accept it from anyone else." That's why I'm so mistrusting. Don't know how to explain it, but unlike most people, Sora never has an intention behind any of his friendly and random antics. He's a guy with natural flow.
I guess, I've always needed a friend like him.
"You're so comfy."
"I know. You always say that when I don't beat you up."
"Riku... I have a favor to ask..."
"Well? Spit it out."
"Can we... stay like this a bit longer?"
"Why?" I kinda take back what I said earlier. I narrow my eyes at him suspiciously as he smiled nervously.
"Uh, you know... because we're best friends and all. We should give each other more hugs."
"Actually, guy best friends don't even hug at all."
"That's because we're special best friends. We're different than those normal lunatics." I only laughed shortly before shaking my head. That's a first. He actually called someone else crazy. He's one to talk.
"Whatever. You can do what you want."
"Yay!" He embraced me closer as I patted his head. Not in an awkward sense. I guess he is just a child. Sora's fifteen years old, yet he needs attention like a child would want. And I'm a person who is too mature and unfriendly as it is. Sora's the type not to mind. He just continues to work to get in my good side.
I needed a friend like that. Someone who bothers and works to become my best friend. That means he actually cares, in his own way.
"You're so childish."
"I know. You always say that when I hug you."
"Sora... I have something I want to say..."
BEEP– BEEP– BEEP– BEEP– BEE–
My arm shot out and punched the alarm clock silent, breaking it from further repair... again. Digging myself out of my bed sheet, my head popped out and I gazed sleepily at the bright light pouring inside my room.
It's morning already? It was just a dream... or a flashback? I definitely don't think it's possible to turn into a girl.
I exhaled a huge yawn before I ran my hand through my slightly tangled hair. I should really start thinking about cutting my hair.
Sitting up from my bed, I brushed off the weird heaviness of my chest as I glanced at the clock. It read 10:45 am.
Hastily, I scrambled out of my bed only to fall on my face hard on the ground. Quickly picking myself up, I dashed into the bathroom.
Turning on the water faucet, I roughly splashed water in my face. After cleaning my face, I multi-tasked by brushing my teeth one-handed as my other hand was busy combing my hair.
After finishing my business, I rummaged through my closet and picked up the first clean clothes I could find. Which was hard considering I don't bother separating the dirty clothes with the clean ones. I just stuff them all in one place.
As I sprinted down the stairs, I made a beeline to the front door while my mouth spoke incoherent words.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit..." I'm late for school. When I shot out of the door, I just remembered that I forgot my backpack and junk up in my room. Then I had to go back.
"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn..." I muttered as I dashed up the stairs.
Snatching the opened backpack from the floor the moment I entered my room, I stuffed the homework that I didn't finish inside and some spare writing utensils. Since I'm coming way late to school, I can't copy Sora's homework. Believe it or not, the guy is smart when it comes to English.
Where I hate wasting time reading my life away, Sora loves all those fantasy adventures and crap. We contrast each other greatly. Especially since I'm so cynical and Sora won't stop giving me hugs. And I think I asked him one time why he kept giving me hugs and he said, "Because hugs can heal the heart. Or that's what my dad says when my mom won't stop hugging him."
As I sprinted down the stairs, I was distracted by reminiscing how warm Sora felt when he hugged me, and I rammed into the front door. Damn, Sora's a bad omen in the morning.
When I was about to leave, I remembered something all important. My breakfast, the banana poptart. Forget waiting for the three minutes to toast the damn thing, I snatched the box of banana poptarts and just took it with me on the way. It would be a long sprint... since I can't use my bike after Sora and Wakka blew it up with excessive amounts of firecrackers, and I started running on foot.
I only ran half a mile before I got tired and stopped to catch my breath.
What the hell? There's some heavy weight on my chest and I don't have the energy to even run that long. What's wrong with me this morning?
Today's not my day... a weird dream, more than 2 hours late from school, and now this?
"I think now is the time for an energy boost." Without even looking inside, I fished my hand inside for a banana poptart. To my horror, I felt none. The box was empty.
And without realizing it, I fell on my knees and screamed, "Nooooooooo!! Damn you, Sora!! You ate the last of the banana poptart delicacy!!"
And with renewed energy, and bloodlust, I sprinted all the way to school on a mission. On a mission to torture Sora beyond human limits.
He's gonna pay for eating all the banana poptarts. I told him a million times that he should back off from my property, but somehow he always found a way to my banana poptarts, and now there's hell to pay.
It took me nearly half an hour, but I finally reached the campus. I don't even see any class cutters lounging around the front yard of the school. Ansem, the headmaster is a devil when it comes to punishment. He doesn't believe in the tradition of detention, no. He psychologically torches them beyond anyone's imagination. More than half the trouble makers ended up in psychiatric wards for head trauma and personality disorders.
Making a beeline to the school doors, I slammed them open and jogged down the corridor. Why is it that my third period is one of the farthest classrooms in this whole entire Goddamn campus?
Unfortunately, I slipped and fell on the tiled floor. What stupid janitor forgot to finish drying up the wet floor?
When I sat up, my eyes looked up to see a friendly brown mustache. A thick, friendly brown mustache.
"Need a hand, bimbette?" the short Italian man inquired with an eccentric accent. I quirked an eyebrow at his weird attire of a red shirt tucked under blue overalls, white gloves, brown shoes and a red cap covering his thick mess of brown hair. Can't forget about the signature M letter on the front of the cap.
"Uh, sure..." His big hands gripped my own and he pulled me up on my feet. Surprisingly, this man was barely three feet. What a shortie. "And my name is not bimbette. It's Riku."
"Oh, how rude of me not to introduce meself. I'm Mario, one of the school janitors." He said, knocking his fist against his chest while winking at me. "And this is my brotha, Luigi." Mario gestured to the green shirt clad guy who resembled him greatly except for three key distinctions.
Luigi is taller than Mario by barely scrapping three and a half feet, he wears a green shirt under blue overalls and a green cap with the letter L etched onto its fabric.
"We're the Mario Brothers!!" They exclaimed in unison.
"Ooookay... Do you guys know the fastest way possible to my classroom?"
"Yes." They answered in unison.
I was waiting for them to say something, but they weren't doing anything except stare at me with those big blue eyes.
"Well, aren't you going to tell me?"
"No, we'll show you." They remarked in unison again. Before I could register what they were doing, they both grabbed my shirt and threw me on this wheel cart. "Here we go!"
"Hey, what ar–." Without warning, they both shoved the wheel cart and me in it, and we started speeding down the flooded corridor. I didn't care about the potential danger of my life on this unstable ride, but I knew this: This was fun as hell.
The floor is so slippery, it only made the ride even more dangerous when the wheels started to wrench in different angles. Noticing a fork in the rode, I harshly jerked the cart to turn, gaining speed as I swerved down the corner into another corridor. All the various classrooms zipped pass me as I rapidly sped along until I entered another hall way.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the two brothers, Mario and Luigi, appeared alongside me as they slid fast on their stomachs, and getting all soaked in the process, but they didn't care. Just like me, they were having fun, too.
Although, they looked like penguins sliding like that.
I deadpanned when a student was rolling a big heavy object across the hallway between us and the other side. Determined not to die, I tipped the cart to the side and it scudded along the wall and over the desk. Both Mario Brothers just took a huge leap over it and they landed back down to skate along the water.
"Whoohoo!!" I shouted as the cart slammed back down on the tiled flooring, taking another turn.
"Don't tell me you never done this before." Mario remarked, amused by my ecstatic mood.
"We do this all the time!" Luigi said afterwards.
"Remind me to hang out with you guys more often!" I yelled in delight. I was having too much fun with this. It practically shouted 'I'm a rule breaker!'
Ansem would never let me get away with this, though he gives me more lenience than with any other student. I guess he believes I am a 'unique youth' in his eyes. Whatever floats his boat.
As we slid along, I heard the two clap their hands in unison. Suddenly, a huge rumble shook the school grounds and a green pipe completely came out of nowhere in front of me.
"What is–!" I was cut short when the cart jerked me forward and I fell inside the green pipe. In a matter of moments, I find myself falling through this black space until my fall was broken upon a desk. Coincidently, my fall wasn't the only thing that broke. The desk, (the teacher's desk might I add) was split in half.
"Ugh... they should've told me about that..." I murmured, so the whole class could hear me. Those janitors should work on the system next time. I wounded up in the wrong classroom thanks to their idea of random teleportation.
I rubbed my neck, trying to climb off the broken desk when the teacher gawked at me in suspicion
"Um... May I help you?"
"Don't bother." I snapped. "I was on the way to hell and the pipe just brought me in the wrong place. I'm still alive, unfortunately."
I left everyone gaping as I exited the classroom. "Those crazy janitors..." I mumbled, half-pissed. What else is going to go wrong in my day? It's still morning, for Pete's sake!
I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, and my feet slipped on the wet floor... again. Launching myself on the closest door for balance, it flung open and I stumbled inside.
"G' morning, Riku! You finally made it!" Oh, goodie. It's the right classroom. Only one person would greet me like that. And it's Sora, the idiot.
I forced myself to stand and acknowledge the classroom who were all staring at me. No wait, most of the guys were ogling me. Even Sora's eyes were popping out of its sockets.
And he was blushing. What the hell is he blushing at? And I just had to ask:
"What are you all staring at?"
Tatsu- (Rolls in with a wheel chair and he's sitting in it severely injured, but alive) This is the end of the beginning of the cliffhanger. I hope you enjoyed this chapter for there will be more in the next one. I know I will.
Danko Kaji- Dude, why are you in a freakin' wheel chair?
Tatsu- Well, Danko, it's an interesting story, but I won't waste time telling it to you now. I'll save it for another day.
Danko Kaji- Wait a minute. You stabbed yourself with a lancer, (which I do not know what it is).
Isn't that pitiful for a professional like you? Lol
Tatsu- ...No comment.