While You Were Sleeping: Rauru's Diary
Part Two

Day 1060

Link and I went for a long walk today. He said that those tights are very, very comfortable, so now I don't feel so bad about getting him stuck in them. I wonder if he'll notice when he wakes up...
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Day 1080

Wow, can you believe it? Next week is Link's three year anniversary of being trapped in here with me, and our three year anniversary of being best buddies for life. I don't think he remembers exactly what day next week is. Hmmm... I'll throw him a surprise party! Yes, that's it!

My Shopping List:

Balloons
Streamers
Cake Mix
Ice Cream
Sugar
Party Hats (And a little one for the fairy thingy)
New Glass (for my car, I broke it with the boomerang the other day)

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Day 1090

I stopped by the Sacred Realm Fast-O-Mart to pick up the supplies for the party today. The lady at the counter looked very bored when I arrived.
"Hello, I need stuff for a party!"
"Welcome to the Fast-O-Mart, how may I help you?"
"Uh, I said I need party stuff."
"Could I interest you in a Slush-Mush today?"
"What, pray tell, is a Slush-Mush?"
The lady handed me a large cup filled with a cold red slushy-like liquid.
"We have Cherry flavored, Watermelon, Strawberry, Raspberry, and Gooseberry."
I took a sip.
WOOOOOWEE! Was it tasty!
I drank it all. "More please," I said.
The lady handed me another one. I drank it in five seconds.
"More!"
I drank three more of them, then I began to feel kind of sick.
"How much for the Slush-Mush machine?"
"5000 Rupees."
I quickly handed over all of my money and she handed me a small box that said "Slush Mush O Matic" on the side.
"Some assembly required." The lady said.
I quickly bought the party supplies and carried them and my Slush Mush machine back home, where Link was asleep again.
I assembled the machine, and quickly began making my own frozen tasty beverages.

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Day 1094

Tomorrow is the day of our anniversary. I was going to set up the party supplies today, but I was too busy drinking Slush Mushes.
While I was tasting my favorite flavor, Gooseberry, I saw a small label printed on the side of the Slush-Mush machine.
"WARNING: CONSUMING LARGE QUANTITIES OF SLUSH-MUSH FROZEN BEVERAGE TREATS HAS BEEN PROVEN BY LAB RATS TO REDUCE BRAIN CAPACITY, AND THEY CAN BECOME EXTREMELY ADDICTIVE. BUT WE WOULDN'T TAKE THESE WARNING TOO SERIOUSLY, BECAUSE WE FED THE LAB RATS 17 TIMES MORE SLUSH-MUSHES THAN ANYONE WOULD EVER EAT IN A LIFETIME...
OH, UNLESS YOU'RE A CRAZY OLD HERMIT LIVING IN AN OFF-LIMITS 'SACRED REALM' OF SORTS WITH NO ONE BUT A SLEEPING HERO TO KEEP YOU COMPANY... BUT WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT, HUH?"

Yeah, what ARE the chances of that? I drank three more of them, then passed out.
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Day 1095

Today is our anniversary! I set up a bunch of balloons and streamers, prepared a cake, and then I attempted to wake up Link.
"Hey buddy, today's our three year anniversary of our friendship!"
He told me that he was glad we were friends.
We ate cake, and then because we were bored, we played around with the fairy thingy awhile.
After we bandaged her up again, I made Slush Mushes for everyone!
Unfortunately, Link wasn't thirsty, so I drank his.
And then the fairy thingy fell in hers, and I had to take her out and drink it.
Then I felt dizzy, so I told Link was going to take a nap.
I secretly drank four more Slush Mushes.
I think I might have a problem.
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Day 1124

Tday I wen tu th vidio storr wif Liink. We rentd "Str Wrs" and "Cadyshak". Liink also piked oot "Blzin Sadlles". Tey wer funy.
I drnk mor Sluss Moshes an they wer good.
I m slepy.
I m goin tu tak a napp.
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Day 1135

Me an dud, blaaaaah... lalalalalalaaaa... he say me has pwobwem...
Me no pwobwem...
Me dwink swushy mushys... woooooooo...
Blaaaah...
(The rest of the page is blotted out by drool)
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Day 1168

Liink tok awy my Sluss Mosh masheen. He sed I hav a problm.
He sed I drnk tu muc of thm.
He sed thy mak me stoopid.
I not stoopd.
I ned my Sluss Moshies.
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Day 1200

Today I finally got out of Slush Mush rehab.
I finally did it! I conquered my problem of Slush Mush addiction!
Link was very proud of me! He threw me a welcome home party!
The cake was kind of plain, but I was still glad.
That Link... he saved my life!
He is my best buddy in the whole world!
I can't wait until he wakes up so then I can find out what he is really like.

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Day 1245

Today was a pretty boring day, so Link and I did makeovers.
He chose Pink Passion lipstick and Vivid Violet eyeshadow, and I picked out his Really Red nail polish.
I even put him in a pink dress for the added touch.
I put on my old pink bathrobe and makeup, and we had a tea party.
I was Mrs. Johnson, and he was Mrs. Nesbitt.
"So Mrs. Nesbitt, how are things?"
Snore.
"Oh really? How fascinating!"
Snore.
"Oh dah-ling, I just found a wonderful new recipe for cream puffs."
Snore.
"Really? You've never had them? I'll fix some up for you RIGHT NOW!"
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Day 1304

Link tells me I spend too much time writing in my diary. He says I should only write on days when we do fun things.
I heard a bunch of commotion from the Real World today. I guess that "Dingledorf" or whatever the heck his name was just froze over Zora's Domain, drained all the water from Lake Hylia, and placed an evil shadow spirit in the well in Kakariko Village.
My goodness, what a party crasher he is!
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Day 1345

Link and I were reading the paper today, and we found out that that Ganondork guy kicked the owner of the ranch out of his own house and put the ranch hand in charge.
Ouch, what a blow.
We also read that he put all these monsters in Link's hometown, Kokiri Forest!
Link was pissed.
So, being the good buddy and Sage of Light that I am, I promised him that I would use my Sage powers to leave my home in the Sacred Realm, go all the way to Ganondork's castle, and blow that sucker up!
I'll leave on my crusade tomorrow. Since I don't want my diary to get blown to smithereens, I'll leave you here under Link's protection for a while.
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Day 1710

I HAVE RETURNED HOME FROM MY ONE YEAR CRUSADE AGAINST GANONDORF!
And I have to say, it didn't turn out very good.
When I first arrived in Hyrule, I made my way to the castle and knocked on the door.
He answered it.
"What do you want? I've got some prisoners I'm busy torturing."
"You are Mr. Dingledorf Dragmire, I presume?"
"It's Ganondorf Dragmire, and yes I am."
"Well, I hear you've screwed up things in the Kokiri Forest."
"I have, so what?"
"My best buddy in the world Link says that he has a problem with that, so I'm here to avenge him."
The guy laughed at me, and slammed the door.

So, I decided to try again the next week. My plan is to fool him with a ploy, then bop him on the head with a shovel and steal back the Triforce.
Ding dong.
"Who is it? I'm busy going over my Gerudo concubines for their yearly inspection."
"Hello sir, I represent the Hylian Sun Times, and I was wondering if you'd like to renew your subscription."
"No, I would not, because they accidentally forgot to give me my free sample of Reese's Puffs Cereal last Sunday."
Then he slammed the door.

Next week...
Ding dong.
"Good grief, you again? I'm dusting my severed limbs collection!"
"Hello sir, I'd like to know if you're happy with your long-distance company."
"No, I am not happy with my long-distance company, because their last representative came over and ate all the vanilla out of the Neopolitan ice cream. He is currently suffering an eternity of torture in my dungeon."
I slammed the door that time.

Next week...
Ding dong.
"Oh jeez, now what? I'm plotting to blow up the sun, what do you want?"
"Hello sir, would you like to be part of this simple survey about your usage of dental floss?"
"I don't brush or floss, now get off of my property before I release the attack Wolfos on you."
I ran.

Next week...
Ding dong.
"Why don't you give up? I'm not going to return the forest to normal, so leave me alone! And besides, my Teletubby Video collection is being re-organized!"
"Sir, how would you like to become a Nielsen Family?"
"What?"
"All I do is put this little Nielsen box on your TV, and it shows our company what kind of TV shows you like to watch."
"The only channel I watch is the Evil Channel, now leave before I release my raging scantily-dressed Gerudo women on you."
As soon as I left, he installed an instant lava pool around the castle.
Gee, it was going to be harder than I thought...

So, I tried a new strategy. I held Ganondorf under siege. I wouldn't let him leave, even to go out and get the morning paper. I threw toilet paper and water balloons at him, and even left a flaming bag of poo on his doorstep. I held out for almost a year! Finally, he got angry and blew me up.

Just kidding.

He did mess up my Sage powers with one really big explosion right to my own little personal war fort.
Now I can't even leave the Sacred Realm, even if I want to!
What a jerk!

When I arrived back home, Link said that it was all right that I messed up, but could I please make him some more clothes, because his butt is hanging out of his old ones?
That Link. What an amazing ball of charisma.
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Day 1737

I counted up today, and Link's stay in the Sacred Realm is more than half over!
I am going to be so lonely with no one to talk to when he's gone...
I made his new clothes, and gave them to him. He thanked me this time, and started a conversation on meatballs.
But I thought about when the seven years was up. Would he be the same old Link I had come to know?
Or would he be a completely egotistical jerk?
I hope not...
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Day 1743

Today I decided I would think of a way for Link to remember me when he was gone.
Unfortunately, Ganondorf was having a barbecue back in Real World, and it was kinda noisy for me to think.
So I broke a few more windows with my boomerang.
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Day 1767

Today Link and I went for a drive in my big yellow convertible. He was surprised that I got such good mileage on it.
Then I told him about my other vehicles, my yellow bus, my yellow scooter, my yellow motorboat... even my personal favorite, a yellow submarine! He asked for a ride, so then I took him on a ride in it. After we were done, we parked it and gave it a nice wax.

So we rode in my yellow submarine.
Yellow submarine.
Yellow submarine.
And then we waxed my yellow submarine.
Yellow submarine.
Yellow submarine.

I told him about a certain green frisbee I had lost a long time ago in the lake surrounding my spacious Sacred Realm mansion. I lost it just passed the giant statue of the hot dog. We went in the submarine and looked for it, and guess what? We found it! So then, Link suggested that we go watch the Ravens/Broncos football game on the big screen TV in the lounge of my submarine.

So we sailed just past the bun.
Till we found a Frisbee of green.
And we watched the Broncs and Ravs
In our yellow submarine.
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Day 1793

Link suggested that we prank call Ganondorf today. I am still mad at him for using his evil cursey thing to take away my out of the Realm privileges! Now I won't be able to meet Tony in Kakariko like I told him I would next week.
I called him first.
"Hello?"
"Hello... is Amanda Hugandkiss there?"
"Uh, no. Who is this?"
"A friend. I need to speak to Miss Hugandkiss, I understand she was one of your thieves for a while..."
He turned away from the phone.
"HEY YOU GUYS! GERUDOS! I NEED AMANDA HUGANDKISS!"
We heard a whole lot of laughter, and then I hung up.
Link gave me a high five, and it was his turn.

"Hello?"
Snore.
"Hell-oooo?"
Snore.
"Hey, who is this?"
Snore.
"STOP IT!"
Snore.
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"
Snore.
"LEAVE ME ALONE, OR I WILL YELL AT YOU!"
Snore.
"I'll get my blankie! I will!"
Snore.
I hung up for Link, listening to Ganondorf wailing like a little girl.
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Day 1803

We decided to have a dance party today. My date was my old Malibu Barbie doll, and Link's date was his fairy thingy.
I turned up the music, and me and Barbie grooved.
Link and the fairy didn't really groove.
"Aw come on guys, it's fun!"
So, I decided to take Link and show him how to do it. I even provided the voice of the fairy for him to practice on.
"Ooh, you're a haaaaandsome young man!" I said in a high voice.
Snort.
"Oh, you are soooo charming! I looooove you!"
Snort.
"Make out with me now, you charismatic hot guy!"
He and the fairy made out for a while, and then me and Barbie got a little grossed out.
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Day 1850

Today was my annual Weird Al Sing Along day. I always get up in the morning on this day and sing Weird Al Yankovic all day.
"And the Jedi I admire most met up with Darth Maul, and now he's toast! And I'm still here, but he's a ghost! I guess I'll train this boy!" I shrieked out.
Link asked what I was doing.
"Why, it's Weird Al Sing Along day!"
He decided to join me.
So, I decided to perform "Albuquerque", and there was even a special part for Link.
"I said A! L! B! U! ... QUERQUE!"
Then there was a long rock part, and Link's part came up.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!"
And then he did it! The part! Just like he was supposed to!
"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
He belched, right on cue!
That Link, he is so smart! And talented, too!
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Day 1915

I counted again today. Today there is only 640 days left until Link has to go! That's not even two years!
I never really thought about how lonely I'd be without Link until now. I had to get him something he could remember me by...
But what?

Roses... Naah, I don't like him that way.
Underwear... Um... no.
New clothes... I've already done it five times.
Friendship icon of some sort? Hmmm... not bad... but what?
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Day 1968

Bracelets? Naah, too used.
Hats? Um, no, I still say that hat is a fashion no-no.
Seashell? Hey, where would I get one?
Hmmm...
I have to be quiet about it though.
But what should I get him?
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Day 1987

Ganondorf was being noisy again today. Why oh why must my home be just a few yards away from his?
I don't even know what he was doing. Like, playing rock music and dancing in his underwear or something.
I picked out a broomstick and started slamming the ceiling. He can hear stuff in the Temple of Time from his bedroom, I'm sure!
"WILL YOU HUSH?" I screamed.
Link suggested I try another way to do it.
I took out part of my fireworks collection and aimed it right into the big hole that led from the ceiling of the Chamber to the Temple of Time, made a few adjustments for aiming, and then...
BOOM!
"AAAGGGH, I JUST GOT NEW CARPET IN HERE!"
Eh heh heh heh... that Link. He's got such good ideas.
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Day 2000

2000 days... and he's still being nice to me!
I really have to think of some way to repay him for all the fun we've had and give him a way to remember me by.
Hmmm...
Rocks? Like, how cheap.
Jewelry of some sort? Yeah, but what kind?
Necklaces are hokey.
Earrings are...
Hey wait a minute... earrings?
Hmmm...
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Day 2105

Stupid fairy thingy stole my diary again! I wonder what she was doing laying on top of it.
GASP! I just thought of something...
...
No, wait. I forgot.
But what should I get Link for a present?
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Day 2134

Hmm...
Oh yeah! I remember!
I was thinking I should spend all of my time that I can with Link before he has to go fulfill his destiny and crap and become the Hero of Time.
So, I'll think about the present later. We're going SWIMMING!
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Day 2167

LINK'S PRESENT- A poem by Rauru

To get my friend I kind of think
I shouldn't get him something pink
Or something like jalapeno jelly
Or anything that's green or smelly
Or something hokey, weird, or dumb
Something that makes him think I'm a bum
Something that shows that we are friends
And something that proves that (something that rhymes with friends)
My buddy Link needs a good gift.
Something that's good, not quick or riffed.
A present from his pal Rauru
Oh what should the Sage of Light do?

Wow, that's the best poem I've ever written! It's also very true...
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Day 2240

Link and I played Yahtzee today. It was fun. I spent most of my time thinking about his present though. He even snuck by a full house on me!
He's so clever. I wish I was clever enough to think of something good for Link.
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Day 2313

It's time for the Festival of Light! The Festival invented by the dudes in Kakariko Village to pay homage to the Light Spirits.
LIKE MEEEE!
Tonight was the night where everyone sent gifts to me and all the other Light dudes.
I got all sorts of nice things. One guy even gave me a JACUZZI!
Link and I decided to try it out.
It was sooooo luxurious.
"I wish the Festival of Light came more often!" I said.
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Day 2314

Today someone sent in a late gift from the Festival of Light. It was two small sets of silver hoop earrings.
They were very pretty. Even Link commented on them.
"Gee," I said to him, "too bad I don't have pierced ears!"
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Day 2405

It finally hit me! The earrings! They can be my goodbye present to Link!
I set them on my dresser the day after I got them, and today, it finally hit me!
I'll give Link one set, and keep the other for myself!
What a great idea!
I'll wait until the day before seven years is up to give them to him.
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Day 2440

Wow, those jewelers are slow. I got both pairs of earrings back today. I had them engraved. My set has a little tag attached to the case that says "To Rauru: From your best friend in the world, Link, Hero of Time"
Link's set has a tag that says "To Link: From your bestest buddy in the world, your lifelong chum, your best friend forever, and your fellow Keaton Lover Rauru, Sage of Light."
I think he'll like them!
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Day 2500

Today was the marker. 55 days left until the big day.
Link and I went for a ride in the sub again. It was so relaxing, and very comforting to see all the fishes under the lake.
It seems that Link has totally forgotten that in just 55 days he's leaving for good to get rid of Ganondorf and save the world.
Maybe he's in denial.
Or maybe he doesn't CARE!
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Day 2504

Naah, I decided that Link would have to care that he's leaving. I mean, we've had so much fun!
Today I was forced to make Link another pair of clothes. Probably the last ones, too.
It was so emotional.
I gave them to him, and he traded me for his last pair.
It still has stains on it from the time we made the Kool-Aid stand and he knocked it over!
MEEEEEMORIES! ALL ALONE IN THE MOOOONLIGHT! ALL ALONE IN THE STREEEEETLIGHT!
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Day 2515

Link and I went surfing today. His nice pink bikini still looks good from three years ago! WOW!
I had a little trouble on the board, but he just kind of sat there on it. Until the board hit a rock, then he crashed like a ton of bricks!
Poor him. He tore his bikini!
I'll make him another one.
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Day 2526

Today I plugged in my new electric ice cream maker from the Festival of Light. We made Mint Caramel Pecan Fudge, and Chocolate Strawberry Praline and Mocha.
They didn't taste very good, but it was fun watching Link get all the ice cream all over his tunic.
And then it spilled down his shirt, and I had to give him a pair of my long underwear to borrow.
It looks good with the tights, but it's a little big, so it totally covers his arms under his little gauntlet gloves.
Hmm, I wonder if he'll notice.
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Day 2533

It's almost the day! I can't wait to give Link his present. I don't feel so bad about him leaving now, it's actually kind of fun anticipating how he'll do saving the world.
And the whole time, it'll be with his nice little Rauru earrings I got for myself and then decided to give especially to him!
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Day 2545

I just realized something. EARRINGS ARE FOR GIRLS!
HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?
But wait, I've seen pictures of guys with one earring...
Hey, that's an even better idea! I'll piece my ear and he'll pierce his, and we'll use the same pair.
That's even better! Wow, I am so smart!
Link and I watched some more movies today. They were interesting...
He didn't think "America's Funniest Home Videos Uncensored" was very funny, but I thought it was a riot!
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Day 2554

Tomorrow is it. Tomorrow is the day of awakening when Link wakes up and goes off to save the world.
That guy is like a son to me. I think I'm getting empty nest syndrome.
But hey, today is the day I get to give Link his earrings!
Link was more asleep than usual when I walked into the Chamber. He had gotten so big from that little punk kid I knew from seven years ago.
"Link, I want you to remember me when you're gone," I said. "Please take this earring as a symbol of our friendship."
He was honored.
Link told me to go ahead and pierce his ear. So, I looked around for something.
I saw that Link had two swords in his pack. The big Sacred Master Sword, and the Kokiri Sword, which looked a bit like a dagger.
It was perfect.
I leaned him over on the ground and pulled out the sword.
"OK Link, right or left?"
He snorted.
"OK, left. All righty, now, this won't hurt a bit!"
I had read more than enough beauty magazines to know that you pierce someone's ear by freezing it first. I held an ice cube next to his ear for a second, then I held up the sword, stuck it on his ear, and BANG!

A big stream of blood shot out, almost over my head.
"WOOO!" I screamed. "Is it supposed to do that?"
I decided to slip in the earring and wait a minute for it to stop bleeding. There was no stopping the blood spurt, it was kind of gross.
"OK, um, forget that one." I said, quickly slipping the earring on.
Then Link snorted.
"What? Oh I see. You want the other ear? Well, I'll give you this one too."
I pierced the other ear, and it shot up blood too.
"AAGH! Link, that's not supposed to bleed like that, is it?"
I held a paper towel next to his ears for like, an hour. And then he turned kind of pale.
"OH NOOOO! LINK! YOU'RE LOSING BLOOD!" I yelled.
I quickly gave him some of mine.

Trust me, you don't want to know about that.

Finally, the ears slowed their bleeding, the earrings were in, and Link and I were accidental blood brothers.
"Link, now we are really true best friends. I'm really glad that I met you and we became friends, even if tomorrow you won't remember anything."
So, with a paper towel held up to his ears, and a bowl of popcorn between us, we watched "Caddyshack" one last time.
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Day 2555- AKA, Seven Years Later...

Today at noon is the big moment.
I got dressed up real nice, and stood in my spot in the Chamber waiting for him to wake up. I looked
The clock was counting down.
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
And BANG! All the lights in the Chamber dimmed.
I struck my best Sage pose, and then I cleared my throat. "Link... Link, the chosen one. Wake up! The Day of Destiny has come!"
HIS HEAD MOVED!
And Link sat up very slowly. He looked around for a second.
"Uhh... where am I?" he asked.
Wow, I never expected his voice to be like that!
And the fairy thingy flew out of his hat.
Oops, I forgot to take off that party hat.
She removed it herself, and shook off her sleepiness.
"Wow, where are we?" the fairy asked.
I went into a long and boring speech about myself and the Sacred Realm and stuff, and then I said, "Look at yourself, Link."
He looked at himself.
He was shocked.
"Whaaaat? What happened to me? What are these tights from?"
Oh, practice for a blind date...
"What are these gloves?"
You asked for them...
"How did my clothes get bigger?"
I made them...
"And... what's with the earrings? OW! Why do my ears hurt so bad?"
Well, amateur surgery will do that to ya, buddy.
I explained to Link what he had to do.
"I understand," he said.
"Now... take this medallion with my power. It shall be very useful to you. And remember, there are other Sages to be awakened too. Awaken the Sages and save Hyrule!"
I handed him my yellow medallion, and he nodded.
"Thanks, Rauru," he said.
No, thank YOU Link.
Then, he and the fairy were surrounded by blue light, and he was gone.
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Day 2556

I am so lonely... Mr. Sniffles is tired of hearing about my problems, and I can't even look to see what Link is doing out there in the world...
I made Mr. Sniffles little Link clothes out of the old green tunic. He really looks like Link, too.
I miss my friend!
I'll never write in my diary again!
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Day 2557

Something incredible happened today! I sat in my room, reorganizing my photo album, when I heard a noise from the Chamber of Sages.
I ran there quickly, and guess what?

A little girl with green hair and green clothes appeared on the green circle right next to mine!
"Uh... where am I?" she asked.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm Saria. I am like some kind of a... Sage kinda person or something."
"I'm Rauru, the Sage of Light. Tell me Saria... do you like dolls?"
"Um, kinda."
"Do you like nail polish?"
"No."
"Do you like Keatons?"
"Whats?"
"Do you like... Beanie Babies?"
"Yeah, I do."
I grinned.
"Hey Saria?"
"Yeah?
"This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship!"

~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~~