You think I wasn't watching. You think I didn't see. Gilbert, I was there. I followed you. I watched you. I saw you with him. I can't explain this feeling I have now, thanks to you. At first, I felt sorry for you. Everyone else seemed to hate you. Soon I understood why they hated you. You brought it on yourself, you know that? But I couldn't stay away from you.
I wasn't sure of my feelings towards you before that day. You confused me. I felt like a wind-up doll, too wound up to work correctly. After that day, though, I wound down enough to see what I really wanted. Gilbert, I wanted you.
I saw you dash out of the school holding that letter. You looked radiant, your golden hair bouncing as you bounded across the schoolyard and into the woods. My natural curiosity led me to follow you. I stayed back, far enough so that you wouldn't see me. Your eyes were so full of life and joy. You ripped that letter open and started devouring the words in your hungry eyes. And suddenly, the life was gone.
Oh, how I wanted to run to you when your world crashed down. But I kept myself back. I didn't want to be caught spying on your moments of pain. But Gilbert, please know that I wanted to help you. It was as if your whole body shattered. You ran and ran, far away from the school and me.
I started to turn away, but I couldn't. My eyes were stuck on you. I followed you as you ran. I watched you as you fell. Then you called out his name. You ran to him. He led you behind that wall. And you screamed for him to hold you. To hurt you. Your pain was so great that I wanted to cry. I now regret leaving you there, Gilbert. I should have shown myself. I would have taken you in my arms as you screamed. I would have held you gently, whispered soft words, and made the world better. But that isn't what happened. No, you wanted him to make you crazy. To hurt you, to hold you, to break you down completely.
Gilbert, to this day, it breaks my heart to think of you like that. You were so alone, yet so close to that man. I could feel your soul screaming. It pained me so much, so very much, to see you in such agony. It pained me more that he couldn't fix it. He couldn't protect you. He couldn't make it all better. So you suffered alone, though you were in the company of two others. Of course, you didn't know I was watching.
Or did you? Gilbert, I wish I had the courage to ask you. Oh, how I hate that wretched man! No, not the one whose arms you ran to. I hate the man who caused you the grief in the first place. He toyed with you. Gilbert, you were so very beautiful. So very beautiful, yet tortured on the inside. When you felt pain, you felt agony.
I wish I would have held you that day. I wish I had rushed to your side and embraced you without your permission. If I had, Gilbert, would you have accepted it? The snow in your hair made you glisten like an angel. No matter what they said about you, I believe you were an angel. It was not your fault that you became a fallen one, a devil child. I believe...I believe that anyone could have seen the good inside you if they had only tried.
Why, Gilbert? Why did no one else try?
I still remember the pain in your eyes on that day. I was watching you. I watched you so carefully. I watched you with that man, and I cried. I cried for you, Gilbert.