Summary: Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

Disclaimer: Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And please, please, please don't hunt me down and kill me for putting this particular imagery in your head!

Jumping Diaphragm


"Yo Seph, what's up?" Zack poked his head in through the General's door, the usual friendly smile on his face.

"Nothing – hic! – Zack. Absolutely – hic! – nothing."

The younger SOLDIER spun the rest of his body inside the office, a quizzical expression replacing the smile. "Do you have the hiccups?"

"No!" Sephiroth reached for his bottle of water and took a healthy swig, nearly choking when his diaphragm chose that exact moment to contract again.

Zack smiled evilly. "You do."

"No, I – hic! – do not." The silver-haired man scowled and forced his lips to remain shut as another hiccup bounced its way up from his lungs. "Generals do not – hic! – get the – hic! – hiccups! Hic!"

"Then what do you call those?"

He sniffed proudly. "A case of – hic! – an overly-active – hic! – diaphragm."

"In other words, hiccups."

"They are not – hic! – hiccups!" Sephiroth stubbornly protested.

"Suit yourself, Seph." Zack shrugged and walked out of the office. "I'll bring in the rest of my paperwork later, when I get around to working on it."

Sephiroth scowled and gestured at his own mountains of paperwork. "Don't I have – hic! – enough to look over and – hic! – sign as it –hic! – is?"
"Not my call."

He considered throwing a Bolt1 at Zack's ass as retaliation for his teasing (normally, he didn't mind Zack's teasing, but today he just wasn't in the mood), but decided against it. His chest and abdominal area hurt too much for him to engage in much more than sitting and reaching and signing at the moment.

Sephiroth hated getting the hiccups. He hated feeling his diaphragm jumping around like a landed, flopping fish. It always hurt like hell after the first few seconds. He glared down at the offending area of his torso and silently commanded it to cease its vigorous mutiny and return to merely regulating his breathing.

The diaphragm was not in a cooperative mood. His hiccups continued unabated. The General snarled indecipherably and resumed signing his name on the dotted lines of his mountains of paperwork.

Zack suddenly reappeared in the doorway, just as his hiccups were starting to go away. "Hey Seph, here's that paperwork I promised you."

"What? You finished it that fast?" Sephiroth took the proffered paperwork and looked it over. "Thank you, Zack. I think."
But Zack hadn't heard his superior. He was staring at something over Sephiroth's shoulder, violet eyes wide with shock. Then he burst out laughing. The General glared at him.

"What's so funny?"

"Seph, I wouldn't turn around if I was you."

"Why not?" He turned his chair around and let out a yelp as he came nearly face-to-face with what appeared to be a pink, bushy worm. His chair tipped back, spilling the General onto the floor and banging his head against his desk, allowing him to get a better look at the monster currently hanging outside his window.

Palmer was dangling from a rope, stripped stark naked, grinning sheepishly at the two SOLDIERs.

"Guess Palmer groped Scarlet again. She did threaten to string him up and strip him if he ever touched her ass again," Zack laughed. "Still, one would think she'd be able to get longer rope, right Seph?"

There was no answer from the other side of the desk.

"Seph?" Zack went around the desk and crouched next to his superior and friend, who was staring fixedly at the fat, naked excuse for a pinata outside his window. "Hey Seph, you ok?"

Sephiroth opened his mouth to reply. "Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic!..."