OHSNAP! NARUTO'S A PAPPY!
…yes. I had to say it.
For those of you who were confused about when the group split up, it was between the chapter break… I'm pretty sure I said something in there about that… Ehh, anyway, Naruto gave everyone the choice of going back or following him, and everyone went their separate ways.
Now… on with the FINAL CHAPTER!!! (Until I'm bored enough to start the sequel fic)
"What the FUCK do you mean 'I'm going to be a FATHER'!?"
"I mean exactly that, Naruto-sama…" Kabuto said, smiling cheerfully as he held his arms out in a placating manner. "It wasn't poison like everyone thought, but rather an acute case of morning sickness that caused Tayuya-chan to collapse!"
"Okay… so Tayuya is pregnant…" Naruto sighed. He'd let it sink in later, and freak out then… "It doesn't explain why Ino's drunk…"
"Oh, yes it does… Alcohol is bad for the baby, and thus I… liberated her sake for the safety of the infant, and gave it to Ino-chan!" Both glanced over to the small crowd of Konoha-nin that were trying to subdue a certain rowdy blonde without hurting her. "I must say… I never expected her to be this bad at handling the drink…"
"So then… when can I see Tayuya?" Naruto asked, turning back to the medic.
"What the fuck took you so long!?" Tayuya spat as Naruto led Kabuto, Ino and Kin into the room. She was laying on a medical bed in nothing but a white medical smock… The blonde boy barely dodged a small vase that was thrown at him. "You knocked me up you bastard!"
"Hey, I warned you about unprotected sex!" Naruto rebuked, dodging the small table the vase had been sitting on.
"Yeah, ONCE…" Tayuya scoffed. "Two whole fucking years ago!"
"Hey… you never talked to me about it…" Kin muttered angrily.
"Or me!" Ino chimed. Naruto suddenly found himself feeling very, very small…
"Maa, maa… what's done is done, ne?" Kabuto added, moving over to Tayuya to continue his examinations. "Tayuya-chan's pregnancy seems to be about a month along… are you sure you didn't notice when you missed your period?"
Tayuya groaned. "Again with the fucking questions… I missed the last period before it, too! Happy!?"
"Why didn't you come in for a checkup, then?" Kabuto asked.
"Because I never wanted to have you poking around inside my fucking pussy, dammit!" Tayuya yelled. "Which you were doing for a whole fucking half hour this morning!"
"One can never be too thorough!" Kabuto chuckled, earning himself a kick to the groin from the red-head.
"It can if it involves my fucking dickhole…" She mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest angrily.
Her tirade was cut short when she felt a familiar hand upon her lower stomach. "So… our child, huh?" Naruto muttered, mostly to himself, as he softly gazed down at her waist.
"Heh… you hear about what happened with the damn mission? I didn't even know it was there and the brat's already tryin' to fuckin' kill me…" Tayuya scoffed.
Naruto leaned down and pecked his lips to Tayuya's. "I doubt our baby would ever think of you with anything but love, Tayu-chan…"
"Unless you decided to scold the kid…" Kin muttered.
"I kinda' pity the poor thing…" Ino added dejectedly.
"Naruto… I'm going to fucking kill blondie and butter-butt if they don't shut the fuck up." Tayuya growled.
"Butter-butt?" Ino scoffed, sparing a glance towards Kin while trying to stifle a fit of laughter.
"Quiet, blondie…" Kin shot back, rolling her eyes.
"Okay, okay…" Kabuto started, putting his hands up to halt their angry words. "Why not go and find me those Konoha-nin? They'll need check-ups if they're going to be staying here… and Tayuya-chan should be up and about by the time you get back!"
As the three left their beloved redhead at the mercy of Kabuto, the two girls flanked their male counterpart expectantly. "So… you're handling fatherhood a lot better than I thought you would…" Ino chirped happily, finally coming off of her alcoholic stupor enough to understand just what she was saying.
"I think I'm going to go throw up now…" Naruto muttered, ducking into the men's room as they passed it.
"That's more like him…" Kin chuckled.
Ino and Kin decided to split up to find the Konoha nin, and after rounding them up, led them back to the medical wing. Naruto had opted to return to Tayuya's side after parting with his breakfast, and unfortunately, both were still present…
"Hoy… you're the fuckers from Konoha, aren't you?" Tayuya asked, rather politely considering her usual hostilities.
"I'd think that'd be obvious…" Sakura scoffed, leaning forward and pointing to the Leaf insignia on her headband.
Tayuya smirked. "You know, I was there when the snake-fucker offed your old-as-dirt boss."
Everyone's eyes widened, save Naruto and Kin, who pinched their brows and groaned. The blonde boy was the first to recover, however. "Tayu-chan… did you have to say that?"
The redhead snickered. "I had to see the looks on their faces…"
"Hokage-sama…" Iruka mumbled in his daze, before his features hardened. "You bitch!" He yelled, charging her as he drew a kunai.
…Until he was stopped by the resident medic. "I would appreciate it if you didn't try to kill a pregnant woman in my medical ward…" He said lightheartedly, gripping the man's wrist to the point where a loud snap could be heard throughout the room.
"Tayuya… apologize to the people…" Naruto muttered, lightly jabbing the girl's side with his elbow.
"Tch… fine…" Tayuya scoffed. "I'm sorry if I fucked up your day by telling you the old bastard croaked…"
Naruto sighed at what amounted to an apology for his red-haired lover. "Sorry… She's rather rough around the edges…"
"If you all wouldn't mind, I need to do your examinations swiftly so I can resume tending to Orochimaru-sama's… injuries…" Kabuto muttered as he herded the younger Genin into seats after tossing Iruka onto a bed. "I will deal with you afterwards." He added to the young teacher.
"I'm going to go check up on Orochimaru… Ino, Kin… you two take Tayuya and find her some food." Naruto said, pecking the aforementioned redhead's forehead before adding. "She's eating for two, now…"
Tayuya blanched at the thought of her pregnancy as the others led her out, while Naruto grabbed Kabuto's shoulder and pulled him aside. "Yes, Naruto-sama?" He asked in a hushed tone.
"Pinky over there slept with the Uchiha last night." Naruto muttered into his ear.
"Make sure it takes?" The medic smirked as he heard an unenthusiastic 'un' and the two parted, Kabuto back to his patients, and Naruto down a long, dark hallway.
Orochimaru screamed in pain once more as Naruto opened the door to his chambers through the second entrance leading to the medical ward. "Where is Kabuto!?" He roared.
"Indisposed at the moment…" Naruto answered, bowing. "May I be of assistance in his place?"
"Can you make this pain stop?" The snake hissed.
Looking down at the man's wounds, he shrugged. "I can take your arms off… but I'm not sure if that'd fix the problem…"
Orochimaru bellowed in rage. "DAMMIT! I need a new body!"
"Do you want me to find Sasuke?" Naruto asked with a smirk. "He's already impregnated half a dozen women…"
"Yes… Have Kabuto prepare the boy…" Orochimaru mumbled. When Naruto didn't comply, he glared up at his apprentice. "What is it? GO!"
"Apologies, Orochimaru-sama, but why don't I deal with the preparations while Kabuto completes his current tasks?" The blonde could've cackled madly when the Sannin nodded. "It shall be done by nightfall."
As Naruto left, Orochimaru couldn't help but groan. "It wouldn't take Kabuto an hour… but Naruto-kun needs practice…"
After releasing the boys, Sakura and Tenten remained behind for the additional examinations required of women. "Why do we have to stay longer?" Tenten asked.
"It's a simple matter of being slightly more complicated than your male counterparts." Kabuto stated. "Now, I'll need you both to remove your clothing…" This earned him a pair if slaps to the face. "…for the sake of the examination. I happen to be a medical professional, and as such, I've seen everything a woman has to offer a hundred times over already." Both of them begrudgingly complied after this. "The 'special' examinations for men don't take nearly as long because all of that happens to be either nonfunctional or external. Oh, so you are naturally pink…" Another slap…
"Get on with it already!" They both yelled.
"Yes, yes…" Kabuto groaned, as he began his examinations. Over the course of a whole hour, his face was red and puffy from being struck so frequently, and almost half the time was spent with him lying on the floor, writing in pain from various kicks.
Once the examinations had concluded, Tenten and Sakura began searching for the other Konoha natives while idling chatting about 'girl things'. Predictably, they were found in the mess hall… along with a certain raven-haired youth. "I'll be right back, okay?" Sakura mumbled, running across the room to where the Uchiha sat by himself.
Without even sparing her a glance, the boy muttered; "Sakura… sit."
She did as he said, sitting next to him. "So, Sasuke-kun…" She took his arm in hers. "You love me, right?" Sasuke acted as if she hadn't even spoken, continuing to pour all of his attention into his food. "…Because, I love you, Sasuke-kun…"
He said nothing until he was finished eating. "Come, Sakura…" He said, rising from his seat as she did the same, leading her back through the hallways wordlessly, eventually ending in his room.
"Sasuke-kun, do you love me?" By the time she'd asked, he'd already stripped away half of his clothing. Once he'd disrobed and began to do the same to her, she stopped him. "I… I don't know if I can do this if you don't love me…"
Sasuke's cold gaze bore into her. "Why not?" He hissed.
"B-because it's wrong! My mother told me that I can't give myself to anyone who doesn't love me as much as I love him!" She answered, bordering on tears.
The Uchiha scoffed, leaving her side to sit on his bed. "You've already given yourself to me." He stated. "Why not do so again? You're already mine…"
Sakura took a step back from him. "Maybe… maybe I don't want to be yours, Sasuke-kun…"
He glared at her, and then his gaze softened. "Of course I love you, Sakura… now come to bed…"
She knew he was lying, but her body obeyed him nonetheless, undressing as she made her way to him… before being pulled onto the bed and forced under him.
"Orochimaru-sama?" The silver-haired medic asked, walking into the violently dark room.
"Kabuto… what the hell were you busy with!?" The snake hissed in pain.
The boy flinched at his master's tone. "I was giving Naruto-sama's guests their physicals…"
"Tch… why are we supposed to keep those brats around?" Orochimaru spat as Kabuto began undoing the bandages on the Sannin's arm.
"Naruto-sama said that it's always good to have a bargaining chip… or a double-agent if we can convince them to join us. And if nothing else, it would be far better to use them in your experiments than your own men, ne?" The old snake glared up at the medic, making him flinch again. "Naruto-sama's words… not mine."
Orochimaru practically blanched in disapproval of his apprentice's antics. "My head… my entire body aches from the pain… damnable Sarutobi… doing this to my arms!" However, he was in little position to question anything at the moment.
"I can't believe we're going to have a baby!" Ino cheered as she bounced up and down on Tayuya's bed, despite sitting on her legs.
"What the fuck do you mean, 'we'? I'm the one that has to birth the fucking brat, and Naruto's the bastard that knocked me the fuck up!" Tayuya retorted angrily.
"Yes, but all of us are going to raise all of our children together, right?" Kin asked, massaging the redhead's shoulders as she did so. "In a sense, we'll all be mothers when your baby's born…"
"Yeah!" Ino chimed, launching herself against the angry girl, tightly hugging herself to the young mother-to-be's stomach. "So share the love already!"
"Ino… you're still drunk, aren't you?" Kin muttered in disbelief.
"Yer' damn right I'm still drunk!" The blonde yelled as she nuzzled herself into Tayuya's waist, making the redhead very uncomfortable.
"My sake…" Tayuya mumbled longingly. "I need a fucking drink…"
"You go on an alcoholic binge at least twice a week, and you think the baby isn't already screwed up enough!?" Kin shouted.
Tayuya groaned. "No… I think I'M not screwed up enough for fuck's sake!"
"Well, you can forget about getting anything to drink until you have that baby!" Kin roared. "Me and Ino are going to make SURE you don't get anything! Right Ino?" When she got no response from the blonde, she leaned over. "…Ino?"
Only to find that she was fast asleep, using Tayuya's crotch as a pillow… "She'd better not fucking drool on me…" Tayuya mumbled.
"Oh, come on, Tayuya… she's drunk. She can't help but drool a little…" Kin softly rubbed Ino's shoulder, before forcing Tayuya to lay down while maneuvering Ino so that her head rested on the redhead's stomach. "Isn't that better?"
"…not if she drools it ain't." At Kin's berating glance, Tayuya scoffed. "I get drunk, I pass out, and I drool. You get drunk, you pass out, and you drool. I think there's a fucking pattern here!"
"You just don't like that she'll be drooling all over your shirt… besides, it's not like it'll leave a mark or anything…" Kin muttered, pushing herself up and lightly kissing her red-haired companion's flush lips. "Now get some rest. It's for the baby…" she added, laying her head beside Ino's on her chest.
Tayuya sighed, falling back onto her pillows. "My kid's got one fucked up family, huh?" She muttered, eliciting a smirk from Kin as she nuzzled further into the redhead's bosom.
Naruto, having been sitting just outside his lover's door, heard the entire conversation. I'm really going to be a father, huh? Naruto thought, letting it sink in further while hoping he wouldn't make himself sick again. But how the hell is a dad supposed to ACT!? MY dad died sealing the damn fox, and Orochimaru is a horrible role model for parenting… He sighed. He had no one to go to… unless…
Naruto was standing in the mess hall, where the Konoha nin tended to gather, as it was a rather large room to keep them from being ambushed and had food… Now, to find the one he needed… "Oi! Teach! I need to talk to you for a sec." He shouted.
And moments later, a confused Iruka was following him through the halls, eventually stopping in a rather long dead-end leading to storage rooms. Naruto leaned against the wall, and slid down into a slouch. "What is it you wanted?" The Chuunin asked bluntly.
"You're old, right?" Naruto muttered, getting a glare from the man before clarifying; "Old enough to be a father, I mean…"
Iruka blinked for a few moments. "I… suppose?"
The blond sighed. "In about eight months, I'm going to be a dad…" Naruto started chuckling. "I'm pretty sure you heard me yelling about it…"
"You're a teacher, aren't you?" A nod was his reply. "Do you have any kids?"
"No…" Iruka mumbled, sitting down beside the blonde. "I never really did well with romance and women… why?" This brat wasn't going to ask him of all people for advice, was he?
"Well… my dad died when I was born." Naruto sighed. "Kabuto isn't someone you can get advice from, and Orochimaru… I pity any poor bastard unlucky enough to spawn from that thing…" By the end, both were chuckling. "So, I'm all out of role models… and I have no idea how to be a dad…"
"You were raised by Orochimaru, weren't you?" Iruka asked, turning to the boy.
"Yeah, that's probably why I'm so fucked up…" Naruto laughed. Iruka didn't think it was funny, though. "What about your folks?"
"My parents died… during the Kyuubi attack." He answered solemnly.
"Tch… so did mine…" Naruto scoffed. "And so did a lot of people's…"
The boy looked… sad about what the Kyuubi did… it baffled Iruka to no end. "I wonder what would've happened if the Kyuubi never attacked…"
"I'd be some happy-go-fucked Konoha brat… barely Chuunin at best by now…" Naruto pondered the question for a moment. "And another village… probably more than one, might've been destroyed instead." He paused for a moment. "In the end… I think I'm glad my dad died."
Iruka's face contorted into a mix of gawking and glaring. "How could you say something like that? Your father was a great man!"
"Yeah, well… he killed himself, knowing his son would grow up without a father." Naruto glared back, before sighing and muttering; "And if I had to pick, I'd rather be an orphan than have hundreds more orphaned instead…" Iruka looked down at the boy in awe. "Plus, the damn fox probably would've showed up eventually, either way."
"That's true…" Iruka concurred. "Well… all I can say is just be yourself… teach them what they need to know, and love them."
Naruto glanced up at the scarred man with a raised eyebrow. "You're one of those sentimental old bastards, aren't you?"
Iruka stifled a chuckle. "I wouldn't say old, but sentimental… yeah."
They sat in amiable silence for several minutes before Naruto sighed heavily. "You think I'm a monster, don't you?"
Iruka openly gaped at the boy. Hadn't he just alleviated his fears? Hadn't he given him strength? Hadn't he lifted the awful burden of self-doubt? "What are you talking about? Sure… you aren't the nicest person I've known… you've got razors for edges for Kami's sake…" Iruka saw the blonde smirk, and let loose a smile of his own. "But no, I don't think you're a monster…"
Naruto leaned back, an audible 'thunk' as his head struck concrete; a morbid smile fluttering across his lips. "I really am a monster, you know…" He gave the older man a moment to soak in his words before glancing at the Chuunin. A sad sigh escaped him when he saw the older man hadn't understood his words. "I wouldn't blame you if you thought I was a monster. Hell, she'd never admit it, but even Tayu-chan thinks so…"
"But… isn't she…" Iruka mumbled out, too confused to word anything else.
"She's pregnant with my child, yes." Naruto nodded slightly in emphasis. "But it's okay… she's a monster too." Iruka's face was flooded with emotion; sadness, confusion, anger, pity, and even a hint of fear. "If I went to Konoha now, what do you think they'd say?" Naruto asked almost cheerfully, continuing in a droll monotone that reminded Iruka of his least favorite teacher when he was a student at the academy himself. "'Die Oto bastard'… 'Filthy Kyuubi scum'… 'Unyouthful devil…'" Naruto chuckled, and Iruka fought to hold his own laughter at the Beautiful Green Beast's expense. "Let's face it, all shinobi are monsters. You, me, Tayu-chan, Orochimaru… even your Sandaime and my father were in their own right…" Iruka was so awestruck, he had no idea how to handle the boy when he broke down into flowing tears, sobbing into his hands. "How the hell am I supposed to bring a kid into a life like that!?"
The scarred man could barely even understand what the hell had just happened. This boy… this self-proclaimed monster was openly weeping. He really is just a kid… Iruka thought, resting a comforting hand on the blonde's shoulder, catching his attention. Iruka then poked the boy's chest with his index and middle fingers, just to the left of Naruto's sternum. "Instinct." Iruka answered. "When the time comes, you'll know what to do." The young teacher grunted as he got to his feet. All this was making him feel old for some reason… "Just trust yourself to have the answers when you need them."
Naruto watched him walk away, back to the other Konoha-nin. The blonde glanced down at his hand, clenching his fist in resolve.
Naruto had just finished replacing the Uchiha's shirt as Kabuto wheeled in Orochimaru. "Are you finished?" The snake hissed.
"I just did. Sorry for the delay, the Konoha-nin got uppity and I had to squash a couple of them first." The blonde answered with a less than savory chuckle.
"Well, just the same… if Sasuke is ready, then leave us." Orochimaru muttered, waving Naruto away, which must have been painful, given the condition of his heavily bandaged arms.
The blonde stepped aside to reveal a heavily sedated Sasuke in a medical smock. "As you wish…" He said, bowing before following Kabuto out of the room.
As Naruto locked the door behind them, Kabuto asked. "Are you really going through with this?" To which the boy nodded with a smirk.
Ino, Kin and Tayuya, having woken up from their nap, were currently strolling outside of the base. "Oww… what hit me?" Ino groaned, holding her aching skull.
"Half of my sake stash, that's what…" Tayuya spat playfully. "It should've been enough to fucking kill a lightweight like you."
"Aww, I think Ino-chan is cute when she's drunk!" Kin chimed, earning another groan from the blonde girl. "Hey, is that Naruto?" She asked, running off to one of the entrances to the bunker/lair, with the other two following close behind.
"Naruto! What are you doing, where's Orochimaru?" Tayuya asked, after catching the boy's eye. He was walking alongside Kabuto, which only spiked the red-head's ire.
"Naruto-sama and I just came from his chambers… and I think it's about time for a public announcement, wouldn't you say?" Kabuto asked, turning to the blonde at his side.
Naruto nodded back, turning to the girls with a smirk. "I think you should know that I'm the new Otokage as of riiiight…" Naruto held up his hand in a half-ram seal, and a shudder spread through the ground. "Now."
Everyone in earshot aside from Kabuto simply looked at the blonde slack-jawed for several moments.
"I stuck a couple dozen explosive notes to the Uchiha… so then when Orochimaru went to do that nasty whatever-he-does to his new vessels, I made them both go boom." Naruto said, smiling brightly. "And, as promised, my first official act as Otokage is to okay polygamy!" He shouted happily. He swore he heard crickets in the silence. "Bah, Kabuto, go round up the people for a public announcement. I want everyone there, since I'll be making all sorts of new laws. Then I'll want to write up a few peace treaties, let the Konoha-nins go or do whatever, let their ANBU scrape their missing-nin off the walls downstairs, you know, the usual…" Kabuto nodded, waiting to see if there was anything else his new master had to say. "Oh, and see if you can't get the Kazekage's daughter up for a political marriage… she's just hot…"
That joke earned the new Otokage several light-hearted beatings, but still, it couldn't dampen his spirits. This was going to be a good year…
The 'moral' of the fic was that Orochimaru was so arrogant and prideful that he believed himself as immortal. (IE, cannot be killed) and yet he trained Naruto to be just as strong and smart as him. In other words, his own arrogance was his downfall, as he taught his student far too well.
The sequel fic (Whenever I get started on it… don't hold your breath, it's going to be a LOOONG wait. The manga will probably end before I start it) will focus on Tayuya's baby; Naruto's first-born son, as well as his siblings and Genin cell. It's also got a mess of politics thrown in for the hell of it, particularly their relationships with Konoha and Suna.
And yes, I was TRYING to be as anti-climactic as possible. If you don't like it, screw you. This isn't 'THE END' it's just the end of part one. Part two will start after I've finished a few more fics, which will probably take years at this rate… anyway, now that this is done, we should see an increase in the rate at which my other fics get done.
This ending was in the works since chapter one. I'm not changing it for anyone. I personally, think it's rather good.