What The Ninjas Did Next
Don't own Naruto and never will. I do own some rubber shuriken though...
Iruka went over to the sinks in the admin building men's toilets. Just before he began washing his hands, he saw Genma's reflection in the mirror, wandering over to the urinals. Iruka followed male public lavatory etiquette, ignored Genma, reached for the tap and heard someone hiss as though in pain. He looked round. So did the anonymous genin at the next urinal, who Iruka didn't know since he'd been in another teacher's class.
Genma looked a little like he was in pain as well, but if he noticed Iruka's attention he didn't return it. He definitely noticed the genin looking at him though, since he looked down back at him and for good measure added a glare with just the right amount of 'Keep staring and you'll die sooner than you think in various uncomfortable ways'. The genin finished up as fast as he could and ran off without washing his hands.
Iruka turned the tap on and washed his. As he dried off, Genma joined him at the sink. "Little bastards. Dunno how you stand them."
Iruka didn't bother replying to that. Instead he asked, "Are you ok? Only it seemed as if something was hurting you just then." He expected Genma to toss out some offhand comment about an injury and what a pain in the arse this or that was. But Genma didn't. He didn't say anything. Just looked away as he washed his hands and kept quiet. Iruka leant against the sink unit and waited, sensing Genma was going to say something eventually.
He did. "Hurts like fuck. When I piss," Genma mumbled, leaning on the sink unit next to Iruka and avoiding looking at the younger man.
"When did that start? Have you seen a doctor?" Iruka said kindly, knowing full well Genma wouldn't have been anywhere near a medic, at least in their professional capacity.
"About a week ago. I thought it'd just go away but…it's getting worse. And sort of…stuff's started coming out."
"You need to see a doctor."
"Maybe I don't need to… It might still go away on its own…"
They both knew that wasn't going to happen and Iruka knew Genma knew this. He pointed it out anyway. "It won't. Go to a doctor. You need to find out what's going on. What if you've been poisoned or something?"
Genma seemed alarmed. "Fuck, you reckon?"
"Maybe." Iruka watched as Genma left the bathroom ever so slightly quicker than he'd come in. He knew full well that poison was probably the least likely reason for Genma's problem and had only said that because he guessed it would make Genma finally see a doctor. He had no idea of the real cause.
"Please take a seat. A doctor will be in to see you in a moment." The nurse left the room. Genma thought about how cute she looked in her uniform as he sat in one of the chairs. His musings were soon interrupted by the entrance of…
…Tsunade herself. "Well what seems to be the problem?" She sat down and opened a medical record file.
Genma had never in his life wanted so badly to run away. It didn't seem to be an option so he told her his symptoms in much the same way as he'd told Iruka, only with less swearing. She was Hokage after all.
"Hmm," said Tsunade thoughtfully. She closed the file and put down her pen. "I would like to examine you and take some samples for tests. Remove the lower part of your clothing, please."
Ok, now he'd never wanted so badly to run away.
Tsunade was pulling on latex gloves. "Come on, come on. I don't have all day." When Genma was suitably un-attired she bent and began to examine him.
Genma honestly couldn't help noticing that from this angle he could see straight down Tsunade's top. Except not straight down, since her more than generous breasts blocked the route. Breasts…
Ack, she's old! Remember she's old! Now young women…and young men…with their fit, supple bodies…smooth…soft…irresistible…begging for me to… Stop it! Don't think about that! I can't get…hard…oh yeah… No! Think of something else… Ok, examination couch…bed… Not good! Right, sink…water…shower… No! What else…chair…desk…as bad as the bed. What's with this fucking room? Don't think about that word! Ah, equipment drawers…bandages, tying…no, needles! Syringes…pushing down…into…oh crap. Something else…floor, nope…walls, nooo…ceiling…hmm, ceiling… There's nothing in here! Oh gods, let this end… Right, last mission…oh, no, got laid…katas…can't remember any… Aha! Paperwork! Think about paperwork…cute desk chuunin…Iruka…Kakashi…porn… Aargh!! Not. Porn…Jiraiya…urgh, imagine Jiraiya doing a striptease… Yes!! Imagine Jiraiya stripping!!
It didn't completely prevent against the powerful dual effects of being manhandled and his traitorous mind, but Tsunade had the good grace not to say anything. She simply reached for a benign-looking cotton-ended stick, said she was going to take a sample from the urethra and stuck it into Genma's dick. Inside it.
That really put a stop to the 'growing issue'.
Tsunade stood up. "You can get dressed now, then roll up your sleeve." She moved over to the drawers and took out some more equipment.
"You're not scared of these are you?" Tsunade inserted the needle into a vein and drew off a vial of blood. She then handed Genma another vial, instructed him on how to give a urine sample and directed him to the toilet down the corridor. Once he'd returned with the filled vial, she sent him away with instructions to see her next week.One week later…
The Godaime looked up at Genma and folded her hands in front of her. "Based upon the examination and the test results, I'm fairly sure we have found the cause of your symptoms."
"What is it?" Genma didn't like that look. Tsunade always made him nervous when she looked like that. It wasn't good.
"Genma, you have gonorrhoea."
"I take it you know what that is?"
"Some infection, right?"
Inner-Tsunade screamed. "It is a sexually-transmitted infection. Thankfully you only have that; it could have been much more serious. Do you have a regular sexual partner? They will need to be tested too, as this infection often has no symptoms."
Genma wasn't usually embarrassed about his lifestyle. Quite the opposite really. "Weeelll…"
Tsunade wasn't as ignorant of her shinobis' extra-curricular activities as some people believed. "Do you have any idea when or where you got this?"
"…No. No I don't."
She'd anticipated something like this. That didn't make it any less irritating.
"Here." Tsunade flung a bag at Genma's head, which he dodged and caught. It was lucky he did, because had it hit its target it probably would have knocked him unconscious. "Antibiotics." She quickly outlined the instructions for taking them. "I'll see you in a month for re-testing to make sure all the infection has gone. There are also some leaflets on sexually-transmitted disease in that bag, make sure you read them."
"There's another thing. Since you don't know when you caught this I need you to round up anyone you had sexual contact with for the last…" Tsunade calculated in her head "…four months. I'd like to test them too, just as a precaution. Tell them to see me next Thursday."
"Ok." On the surface Genma stayed calm. Just beneath the surface, however, he was beginning to panic a tiny bit about that last order.
"Unless you have any questions, you're dismissed."
Genma headed off to the missions office, panicking more and more. He was going to need help with this.
Kotetsu wrote something down and moved a sheet of paper to another pile.
Izumo carried increasingly large stacks of books here and there.
Kurenai filled out a report.
Asuma smoked and sneaked glances at Kurenai.
Kakashi read porn instead of doing the work he was supposed to have done yesterday.
Genma instantly destroyed the peaceful atmosphere by bursting into the room, looking round frantically, and shouting, "Where's Iruka?"
Everyone looked up, but only Kakashi spoke. "Maa, I'd imagine he's still at the Academy."
"Shit shit shit…" Genma wandered around the room much in the manner of decapitated poultry.
"Calm down. What do you want Iruka for?" Kurenai didn't look up as she finished a sentence.
"Yes, what do you want him for?" As if by magic, Suspicious-And-Possessive-Kakashi appeared.
"Don't worry, I'm not after your precious boyfriend's ass!" Genma snapped. "When's he due here?"
Izumo reappeared with one small book. Apparently the stacks had collapsed into themselves under the force of their own gravity. "He'll be ten minutes. You might as well wait if you're that desperate to see him."
Genma sat down and for the next ten-and-a-half minutes fidgeted like a three-year-old, chewed his senbon like mad, and drove everyone in the room to the brink of insanity with the little clicking noises it made against his teeth.
At last the chuunin in question walked through the door. Or to be strictly accurate, he took two steps inside the room and was dragged right back out again by a distressed ninja.
"Aargh, what the… Hi Genma. What's up?"
"Why? What's happened?" Iruka massaged his neck where Genma had grabbed it.
Genma, ever mindful of shinobi instincts, whispered an account of the hospital and earlier meeting with the Hokage into Iruka's ear.
"Well I'm glad you saw a doctor but I don't really understand…Ah. I see."
"Four months, Iruka! She's gonna go mad! And how will I…"
"It's ok. Look, just take some deep breaths or something. This is what we're going to do…"
Kakashi pushed Asuma out of the way. "What's happening?"
"Sssshh!" Kotetsu hissed, pressing his ear harder against the wall. "I can't hear anything."
"They're definitely still there." Izumo had found a glass and was holding it to the wall. No one knew whether this worked, but it couldn't hurt to try.
Kurenai pulled her hair out of the way in case it was blocking any sound waves from reaching her ear. "Can anyone tell what they're saying?"
Asuma tried using his other ear. "Something about cheese?"
"Shut up!" Kakashi's head was practically inside the wall. "Shit! They're coming!"
When Iruka and Genma re-entered the office they were confronted by an assortment of shinobi all trying to look as if they hadn't been listening. Both chose to ignore this and began gathering spare scrolls and pens. Iruka also managed to bribe Kotetsu and Izumo into covering his shift, saying he needed to help Genma with a minor emergency.
"Such as?" Suspicious-Kakashi was back.
"None of your business!" Genma cut in before Iruka could reply. He ran off with an armful of scrolls, Iruka close behind saying "It's nothing, I'll see you tomorrow!"
Now what is an Infamous Copy-Nin to do in such a situation? His boyfriend had had a secret conversation with their mutual friend then disappeared off to parts unknown with said friend. Oh, of course. Kakashi would spy on them. Just as soon as he finished this chapter. After all, he should give them a head start.
When Iruka and Genma had reached their destination, they settled on the floor with all their papers.
"Right. Where shall we start?" Iruka picked up the nearest scroll and found a pen.
"What? I don't know! That's why I need you!"
"Well should we do this just as you can think of them, or would chronologically be easier, or…"
"Probably best if we just write them down as I think of them. So I guess we can start with…"
"Yes, I've got it." Iruka pulled a face and wrote down a name.
In the end, Kakashi read three more chapters and summoned a grumpy Pakkun to track their scent. All the way to Genma's living room.
"They're in there, kid."
"What are they doing?" Kakashi didn't dare get close enough to see. Iruka had told him before about the stalking and the second time he had told him in front of people and he had told him in his angry sensei voice.
"I smell ink. And take-out. That's all. It's like they're planning on working all night."
A little relieved Iruka was only doing work, Kakashi released Pakkun and went home himself. He wondered what this covert work was all about but soon forgot about it, until several days later.
Kakashi meandered through the streets of Konoha, nose buried in an orange book, just as usual. Until, not as usual, he was forced to look up to see what had inconsiderately blocked his path and therefore caused him to walk right into it.
Stretching from the Hokage's office, all the way down the admin building, into the street and past Kakashi was a queue of people. Men and women, ninjas of Konoha and other villages, civilians from who knew where…
Kakashi didn't recognise a lot of them, but he knew some. Especially one. He made a slight detour towards the man.
"Oh hell." Iruka saw Kakashi coming and tried to hide behind Kotetsu and Izumo despite the fact that since Kakashi was, well, Kakashi, that plan was doomed from the start.
"Iruka, what's going on? What are all these people doing? And why are you here instead of at work?"
Iruka took a deep breath. "Remember last week, when Genma was all stressed out and I had to go help him with something?" Kakashi grunted in the affirmative. Well he remembered now.
"He'd found out he'd caught a sexually-transmitted disease, but he didn't know where so he needed me to help him figure out everyone he'd slept with in the last four months, so he could tell them to see Tsunade today and be tested and treated. That's what the queue's for."
Kakashi digested this information. He combined it with the fact that Iruka was standing in the line. "Genma had sex with you?! That bastard!! I'll jutsu his ass into next year! I'll rip out his spleen and feed it to my dogs! I'll…"
"Calm down! It's ok!! It was before we got together!"
"…his own senbon and barbecue… What?"
"Before I had any idea you even liked me. It meant nothing! We got incredibly drunk one night and ended up in bed together. I don't even know how it happened! I'll regret it forever!"
Happy that no one had stolen his boyfriend after all, Kakashi hugged Iruka. All his. Then he thought of something.
"Does this mean I have to get tested too?"
Iruka hugged him back. "Let's just see if I've got it first, shall we?"
It was only at this point Kakashi noticed Kotetsu and Izumo, that pair of chuunin who had been a couple for ages and who seemed to do everything together.
They did everything together…
Kakashi simply looked at them. They nodded. "Why him?" he asked.
"We wanted to try it. Something different, you know…"
"…and he seemed like the best person to ask…"
Kakashi decided he didn't want to know any more on that particular subject. Saying goodbye to the three of them, he followed the line towards the Hokage's office with the vague idea of finding Genma somewhere so he could interrogate the Iruka-seducing fiend.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of green. He turned to get a better look, and immediately ran to hide somewhere.
Kakashi caught up with Genma in the missions room, also trying to hide. He poked the potted senbon-plant with a kunai.
"Needles don't usually grow on plants, you know. Unless they're cacti."
"Damn, I forgot about it. Don't tell Tsunade where I am?"
"Why are you hiding from her? She can't do anything to you for having sex with a ludicrous amount of people."
From the office above came the sound of crashing furniture and enraged screeching. Both jounin shuddered.
"Alright, I won't tell, if you tell me what happened between you and Iruka?"
"We had sex once. That's all. It was just a stupid drunken mistake."
Kakashi decided to let it go. There were more pressing issues on his mind. "I saw Gai in that queue. How on earth did that happen?"
Genma winced. "I didn't actually know it was him till later."
"I'd rather not go into too much detail if you don't mind. Remember that last power cut?"
"Mmm." He'd had a very enjoyable time during those few hours when Iruka had been forced to abandon his marking.
"I was in the showers at the gym when it went dark. Someone crashed into me and, well it was a bit of a dry patch and you can't deny he's got a good body. One thing just led to another, alright?"
"Alright. But I also saw Ibiki on the way up here. I didn't think either of you were the other's type?"
Genma covered his face with his hands. "He asked me to help him with a new interrogation technique and it got a bit out of hand. I don't even want to think about it!"
Kakashi was puzzled. "Interrogation technique? What did that involve?"
"Piss off! I had nightmares for weeks!"
An ANBU appeared in the doorway. "Genma-san, you're wanted in Hokage-sama's office." His uniform was torn in three visible places, and streaked with dirt and blood.
"Oh gods. Maybe I'll just become a missing-nin."
"Too late for that now," said the ANBU.
"Do you know what she wants me for?" Genma slowly got to his feet.
"Not sure. But there has been a minor diplomatic incident."
Tsunade was absolutely furious. There were so many people that she was going to be stuck in her office working all day. As if that wasn't bad enough, she'd had to assign ANBU to patrol the queue after a fight had broken out. From what she gathered, jealous words had been exchanged between the nephew and daughter of one of the feudal lords of Fire Country, and the argument soon descended into violence. The lord's chief of guards was also present and tried to calm them down but accidentally insulted a nearby group of Sand ninja, who heard him and attacked the group. Following procedure, the nearest Leaf ninja jumped in to protect the three civilians who were still fighting amongst themselves. Two Rain kunoichi also joined in. Apparently this was simply because they were bored and felt like a fight. Three ANBU squads eventually managed to break it up, though they'd had to take a few people to hospital and had been forced to arrest the Rain kunoichi for alternately attacking them and making lewd remarks. The reporting ANBU (smirking behind his mask) had been '…interested to note the following conversation between the Rain shinobi while they were being carried away "I blame him for this entirely." "We should kick him in the shins" "Hmph, yes… Mind you, he was worth it…" It had ended with the Sand ninja threatening to petition their Kazekage for war against Leaf and the feudal lord's daughter threatening to have her father sack the chief of guards. Tsunade had just finished sorting out the resulting mess.
She had a headache. She wanted sake. She did not want to have to deal with…with…bloody promiscuous jounin!
Right on cue, a promiscuous jounin appeared. Fine, she'd take it out on him.
Tsunade held up her hand, indicating Genma should be silent. "Have you any idea what your behaviour has caused?"
Genma looked at the floor. "I…"
"SHUT UP! I knew you got around but that…" she gestured at the window"…is ridiculous!" Really, there must be more than one per day! "Do you realise we have narrowly avoided a war with Sand? As if that was not enough, I have had to placate the feudal lords three times already today. One's daughter, another's son and a chief of guards? What were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all?
"I don't even want to know! Most of the shinobi in the village are tied up sorting out your mess. This is simply unacceptable. You're suspended until further notice. Now get out of my sight!"
Genma fled, relieved to at least still be alive and in one piece.
Tsunade raided her desk to discover she had run out of sake. Her chair knocked Jiraiya unconscious as he tried to climb in through the window.
While Jiraiya sat in the street rubbing his bruised head and pondering whether he should interview Genma for his next book (there had been some excellent data-gathering opportunities in that queue), Genma was back in the missions room feeling depressed.
"Cheer up. She'll probably let you back in a couple of days. Think of it as vacation." Kotetsu, Izumo and Iruka were back at work. All three had tested clear of infection, to Genma's eternal gratitude. At least he wouldn't have to deal with Kakashi's reaction to Genma having further sullied his beloved.
" She won't. It'll be weeks. Wait…I didn't tell you I'd been suspended."
"Probably the whole building did."
"Great." Now he was embarrassed as well as depressed. "I'm going home."
Iruka, Kotetsu and Izumo decided something had to be done. Mostly because they were such nice people, but also partly because Genma was likely to spend most of his suspension hanging round the office annoying them.
Later that night, there was a knock at Genma's door. This was the polite way of doing things, and often didn't mean anything good. Usually when ninjas wanted to see someone they knew, they simply walked, climbed or jutsued straight in with absolutely no regard for privacy. It meant most of the ninja in Konoha had seen their comrades in states they wished they hadn't, but still everyone kept doing it. (A/N: See Appendices B and C)
So Genma was understandably wary as he approached the door. It didn't help that when he opened it nobody was there. There was only a large box on the doorstep, with a note in Iruka's handwriting. 'Hope this helps. We had a collection, everyone contributed something.'
Having ascertained the package wasn't immediately going to do anything unpleasant, he brought it inside and opened it on the living room floor, careful of possible traps. There weren't any. He looked inside and burst out laughing.
The box was full of condoms.
Every type of condom possible seemed to be represented across a multitude of different brands. There were smooth condoms, ribbed condoms and condoms with bumps. There were condoms of every colour imaginable, including sparkly ones and ones that glowed in the dark. There were condoms of every flavour a person could want in a condom, including, bizarrely, ramen-flavoured ones.
Next day, Tsunade summoned Genma to her office again.
"Hokage-sama, I'm very sorry I…"
"Oh, that's alright. I've already decided you can return to full duties on Monday. We all make mistakes I suppose."
This was odd. Everyone had expected the Godaime would have kept Genma on suspension for as long as possible what with the amount of unpleasant work he'd given her. Asuma was even running a book on when Genma would be allowed back on shinobi duty. It couldn't have had anything to do with the large, gift-wrapped bottle of premium sake that was sitting on her desk, could it?
Genma made a mental note to get the desk ninja a suitable thank-you gift. A house, or something.
He forgot all about that when he went back to work and discovered he had been assigned to deal with every single bit of paperwork Thursday's events had caused. Including all the test processing and results delivery, emergency duty reports and overtime pay claims from the ANBU involved, and numerous attempts to claim compensation from Konoha for physical injury, damage to property, psychological trauma (one of these was Kakashi pretending to be upset Genma hadn't tried to have sex with him as well as everyone else) and inability to marry off a daughter due to the fact she was not a virgin.
Well, alcohol can only do so much, even if it is free.