SPIDER-MAN 3: The Parody
By Adrian Tullberg.
Merchandising ads fill up before the film, barely even related to the content matter. In accordance to marketing practice, this alienates the audience to save their cash for Fantastic Four 2 and Transformers.
PETER: Hey, it's me, Peter Parker, using a voiceover just like in the first film. I may be such a geek that I'm abused by other nerds, but things in general are somewhat better – I'm not considered a dangerous vigilante, in fact, I'm a public hero, and I'm getting some on a regular basis. Okay, she's a whiny bitch, but it's the best I'm ever going to get. Perhaps her debut on Broadway will shut her up.
MJ shows up – she looks good enough to nearly distract the audience that someone is clearly singing for her in Voice Over.
MARY JANE: I was so nervous! I was so scared! Did you see me? Did they like me?
PETER: Just smile and nod Parker, and think of the blowjob she's gonna give you when you feed her compliments for a few hours.
Later, the two are lying in the open on top of a web in public. And in one of the most poulated cities in the world, nobody catches them.
MARY JANE: Okay, you publish your memoirs, option the rights to a movie?
PETER: The last time some bad guy knew about me, my Aunt was nearly scared to death and you were dangled of a bridge, remember?
MARY JANE: Become a stuntman in Hollywood?
MARY JANE: High-priced bodyguard? Not only are you fulfilling that neurotic self-sacrificial need of yours, you're getting top dollar for it as well?
PETER: Might have to abandon my client to stop some kids crossing the road the wrong way.
MARY JANE: Looks like we're endlessly skirting close to the poverty line for a while longer. At least you're now incredibly popular and well liked for the first time in the movies, your super-hero career's at it's peak …
PETER: … like Rocky 3.
MARY JANE: Crap.
The two leave on Peter's dinky motorcycle. And somehow a bizarre Alien falls out of the sky in a meteorite and hitches a ride. Strangely enough, this is a far more coherent explanation than how Peter got his original costume.
Cain Marko shows his sympathetic side early on, alerting everyone to the fact that if they're resorting to sympathy so early in his introduction, he's going to do something pretty bad.
At Aunt May's apartment, which is nicer that Peter's despite the fact they're both on the same hair's breadth near the poverty line.
PETER: I'm going to ask MJ to marry me.
AUNT MAY: Can you get her that drunk?
PETER: I'm gonna try.
AUNT MAY: When your uncle proposed to me at first, I refused, and made the fucker wait. Because a man has to put his wife before himself. Can you do that Peter, in my I-know-you're-Spider-Man-but-not-talking-about-it way?
PETER: That's a pretty enlightened view coming from someone who was legal during the suffragette movement…
AUNT MAY: When your uncle Ben proposed, he was in his swimsuit, a knockout .. and so was I …
Peter imagines his aunt and uncle near naked and nearly throws up.
AUNT MAY: … and he gave me this ring. Here, take it you broke deadbeat.
Leaving with his booty, Peter's Spider-Sense completely fails to work as he's ambushed by the daddy's boy from the first two films.
HARRY: I'm the New Goblin! Or, the Terrifying Surfer Dude!
PETER: Not bad. Then again, your Dad was the Incredible Action Figure, so anything's an improvement …
HARRY: You killed my father! Prepare To Die!
PETER: Hey! For the last time, I didn't kill your Dad! For Christ's sake, wouldn't that autopsy, which is pretty much standard for suspicious deaths, prove he was killed via testicular impalement instead of spider-related death?
HARRY: Fuck you!
PETER: Don't encourage the slashers! I'm still having problems sitting down!
Once again, the CGI battle allows Tobey to emote, and fend off Daddy's boy, almost loosing the ring in the process.
PETER: Goddamn it Harry! I am not paying for my own jewelry!
Peter nearly decapitates Harry in the process, and feels a little bummed about this.
DOCTOR: Okay, there's some problems with his short term memory.
PETER: No, it looks like a lot of his long term memory's gone as well.
DOCTOR: Hey, I get paid either way.
HARRY: Hey, buddy … what happened? Everything's … like, a blur …
PETER: Wow, Harry's lost his hatred of me. Could this be the deus ex machina that salvages our friendship, and maybe a decent line of credit?
Marko, on the run, climbs into a high-particle physics experiment, which is done completely in the open and open to environmental contamination like nobody's business.
Meanwhile, at Peter's apartment
MARY JANE: My reviews stink! They don't like me! It's like they hate me! What about me?
PETER: Ah … gotta go …? Big disaster?
MARY JANE: Fine. Ignore me.
PETER: At least you're good in bed …
Despite the massive damage and the opportunity to showcase Spider-Man's incredible strength and other powers, he saves just one girl on screen.
EDDIE: Hey! I'm Eddie, photographer, sycophant, and generally good looking but creepy …
STAN LEE: Hey, I'm Stan Lee!
AUDIENCE: We noticed.
MJ gets fired from her job while her boyfriend gets more and more popular.
The city has a big, and possibly expensive parade for some guy they have no idea as to his identity or wether he'll show up or not. And for the first time in three films, there's a hint of the extrovert that Spider-Man actually is in the comics. Just a hint.
Meanwhile, Sandman makes an appearance.
PETER: Okay! Time to take this guy out!
Spider-Man gets his spandex arse kicked.
PETER: Damn. Just like Rocky 3.
At the French Restaurant.
PETER: Okay, I'm gonna propose to MJ, and I'm gonna need some serious help. Bruce?
BRUCE: Oui, Monsieur. I will help you finally tap that sweet ass, non?
PETER: Hey, I've tapped it.
BRUCE: Yes, of course.
PETER: Hey, spider-enhanced genitals, okay?
MARY JANE: Oh God. My life is terrible.
PETER: It's not so bad … I've had some bad times but it's really coming good for me now …
MARY JANE: It's not about you ... it's about me! Me! Me! Me! My life, my feelings!
GWEN: Hi I'm Gwen.
PETER: Hey Gwen …
GWEN: (to MJ) You stole my best scene you whore!
MARY JANE: God, you have a courteous polite relationship with a girl like that? I'm outta here.
MJ storms out.
BRUCE:Women like that, my friend, is why there has always been a prostitution industry. (hands Peter a card) Very good, excellent value for money.
At the police station.
CAPTAIN STACY: Okay, get this. Your uncle? He wasn't killed by some random mugger after all. This other dude, who was only marginally related to that robbery at the wrestling arena, killed him instead. And that's why a guy does his 'oh I'm not so bad' scene early.
COMIC BOOK READERS: … the FUCK?
PETER: What? Does this mean my entire emotional downer for the last few years was based on a complete fiction? The very root cause for my overwhelming need for responsible action is now completely null and void?
SAM RAIMI: Oh that's why the test audiences didn't like it…
AUNT MAY: Remember Peter, revenge is like a poison. It can take you over, and before you know it, it turn you into something ugly.
MARY JANE: Yeah, like your aunt said.
PETER: Okay I won't kill him.
MARY JANE: That's good.
PETER: I was gonna rape him first, then kill him.
MARY JANE: Are you tuning me out, Peter?
PETER: Yeah, you can borrow my CDs.
Instead of going around and interrogating bad guys for Marko's whereabouts, Peter just listens to the police band until he falls asleep, and is indecently assaulted by the blob from outer space.
Peter swings around with his new costume, and demonstrates no real enhancement with it, but talks about it a lot.
PETER: My new costume is … well, looks exactly like my old one with a coating of black paint. Are we spending so much on CGI that we can't afford to make any other differences apart from a colour change?
CONNOR: I'm a physicist, not a biologist – which completely screws up my origin and would make any transition into the Lizard pretty embarrassing. But what the hell, I'm willing to make a detailed scientific examination of something that's completely unrelated to my field.
Spider-Man tracks down, and fights Marko, finally drowning him.
PETER: Since he has the ability to reconstitute himself and complete control of his body, which consists of fine particles, perhaps I should make absolutely sure he's dead …? Nah.
Meanwhile, MJ feels a little down, so she teases Harry a bit before buggering off.
HARRY: I … I remember … GOBLIN – ANGRY!
Harry flies off to intimidate MJ, and somehow the guy flying through walls on the surfboard is completely unnoticed, even by Peter who should be listening out for this kind of stuff.
PETER: You made MJ dump me!
HARRY: Guess she wanted a little Goblin action …
They fight. Masonry, plaster and period wood panelling falls. Nobody dies.
AUDIENCE: Emo-Man, emo-man, whining like an emo can …
PETER: Not an emo! I'm also becoming incredibly violent! Suck on that, blog-writing poetry bitches!
NEWSREADER: This just in, this photograph shows Spider-Man making off with the money from the downtown bank robbery, despite forensic evidence of the sand creature that terrorised the inner city inside the premises, eyewitness testimony, and CCTV footage of escaped convict Cain Marko actually committing the crime.
PETER: Hey, you faked those photos of Spider-Man!
EDDIE: Don't tell anyone! I'll be stuck doing 'celebrity' reality shows, and the odd interview for cash!
PETER: Go to hell. And I'm gonna go out with the girl you like! And it's not just to preserve continuity!
Peter finally figures out how to attract women; treat them like trash and publicly dance like a complete dork.
Meanwhile, Sandman's back, still hanging onto the locket despite being swept out into the city waterways.
PETER: Okay, now it's time to show up MJ at that club she's descended into working at!
AUDIENCE: You know, if you really wanted to get her back, you could say how you've gotten Harry out of the way and have her incredibly grateful...
PETER: Shut up! This is new, badass Parker!
The symbiotic suit also appears to give Peter complete music and dance lessons, allowing him to publicly feel up Gwen.
GWEN: Hang on, this was all about your old girlfriend? I've just figured out what should have been obvious to anyone as soon as I saw her here!
PETER: Mission complete …
WAITER: Hang on, it's a two-drink minimum. Plus tip.
Peter starts beating the waiter up.
PETER: I'M – NOT – TIPPING – FOR -CRAPPY – SERVICE!
MARY JANE: Peter! We live on tips!
PETER: Whoops …
Distraught, Peter goes to a church and tears off the alien costume, completely failing to notice the relation between loud sounds and the costume weakening.
Eddie Brock discovers Peter's identity, and somehow fails to snap a photo that could salvage his career and destroy Parker's life. He does, however, get a nifty new suit.
AUNT MAY: So, MJ dumped you?
PETER: I hurt her Aunt May.
AUNT MAY: Oh, that whiny bitch gets hurt by everything. I suggested she add some more meat to a stew she cooked, and she was sobbing in her room for days, remember?
AUNT MAY: Remember Peter, she's the best hope you've got for regular sex.
PETER: What about that Russian chick?
AUNT MAY: Do you want her Dad screaming 'rent' at you just as you're going to get lucky?
Eddie and Marko kidnap MJ, and hold her hostage, publicly.
Peter goes to Harry's place.
PETER: Harry, I need your help.
HARRY: You don't deserve my help.
PETER: Dude, you emotionally sabotaged the relationship between me and MJ, and tried to kill me. Twice. I think a little name-calling and some scars which can be fixed with the plastic surgery you can obviously afford doesn't count.
HARRY: Fuck off.
BUTLER: Sir, I cleaned your father's testicular wound … and never claimed extra pay. The fact is, Daddy died by his own efforts.
BUTLER: It's reassuring to know sir, that you listen to me, instead of the coroner and the police who performed the investigation into your father's death … you know, the experts.
Spider-Man leaps into the fray, suitably framed in an incredibly jingoistic shot.
After a massive fight, Harry dives into the action, and makes an incredible self-sacrificial move.
Finally, Spider-Man makes the connection between loud sounds and the alien. Spidey also shows that it's okay to kill lifeforms from other planets, but not humans. Life that we don't understand yes, life from Earth, no.
MARKO: Ah, Pete? I kinda killed your uncle by accident. The police, witness testimony and forensic evidence completely missed this.
PETER: Gee, I'm so gosh darn noble, I forgive you for manslaughter of the closest thing I've had to a father figure, kidnapping, robbery and massive, massive property damage.
Peter continues his Dr. Phil moment.
PETER: Harry, I never should have said all those things, and banged up a guy who was hopped up on a psychosis inducing super-steroid.
MARY JANE: Peter? That chemical might have enhanced his endurance along with his strength. You could take him to the hospital, and since that earlier incident of him trying to kill you was never reported, he'd be treated like a hero …
HARRY: (to MJ) God, I'd still tap that …
PETER: He dies.
Peter reconciles at the club with MJ, who still needs a voice-over singer.
PETER: I'm gonna tell you how fabulous you are for four hours straight.
PETER: (voice over) Who am I? I'm Spider-Man. And I do way too much for sex.