Disclaimer: I do so, in the presence of all these witnesses, disclaim.

AN: So, I have no idea where this came from. I'm pretty sure that I wrote it all in one day when I was really really tired a while ago, which may explain some of the more random parts. As I was reading through it just now I realized that some of the words sounded a bit familiar, so if I stole anything from another fanfic or something just let me know and I'll credit them. Or remove this story or something. Just let me know. Oh yeah, this is a one-shot. It may, in very very dire circumstances, become a series, but most likely not because I am way too lazy to write that much about one idea.

One last thing: This is for my livejournal friend noneedofcrepe (aka Hannah) for her birthday (which I know was a month ago but this took awhile, so I apologise). Happy Belated Belated Birthday!

Ouch, That Hurts

I have, single-handedly, just ruined every single chance I had of escaping Hogwarts unscathed. Well, not exactly single-handedly, there were several other unmentionable persons who definitely had a hand in it as well - but right now is my Feeling Sorry for Me, Lily Evans, Time okay? And telling myself that I have, without any help whatsoever ruined my life at Hogwarts as I know it makes me feel better. Don't ask me why - I really don't know. Maybe you should ask James Potter, since he seems to know everything about me!

Breathe, Lily. In. Out. In Out. INOUINOUTINOUT! No hyperventilating! It'll be okay.

I mean, it wasn't really my fault, really! If James Potter hadn't fallen off his stupid broom, he wouldn't've been in the hospital wing and this whole stupid mess wouldn't have started in the first place!

Ugh! Men! Can't live with them, can't live without them.

I hate my life.

Well, actually, not really. My life is usually pretty much spiffing. I've got great friends, good marks, a nice, shiny Head Girl badge ... all in all it's pretty sweet.

James Potter not included, of course.

Because, really, whenever I finally become somewhat happy with the way things are - he just has to go and be so James-Potter-ish and mess it all up!

All I was trying to do was be a good Head Girl! That's what anyone else would have done too, right? I mean, if your fellow Head fell 50 ft off his broom when he was practising for stupid Quidditch! you'd go up and see him right when you heard, right? And, I mean, if you also heard that he split his head open and shattered his spine - even though you heard it from the school's Gossip Witch - you'd still run up as fast as you could to get to him, right? Right?

And when you found out that he didn't actually shatter his skull you'd be so inclined, in a fit of thankful passion, to erm, kinda run your hands through his hair, right?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

To say that I didn't like running my hands through his hair would, unfortunately, be a lie. I very much liked it. In fact, I wouldn't mind doing it again if I ever got over this little bit of embarrassment I have. But you'd be embarrassed too if said Fellow Head woke up the moment you were leaning down to kiss his forehead - Friendly Kissing! - and said your name, all cute and full-of-wonder-like, right?

Yes, I know. You wouldn't have been kissing his head in the first place - but really! It was just so inviting; looking all whole and not sliced right down in the middle - and he always wear his stupid hair - stupid, soft, nice hair - all over his forehead, so you never see the little freckle right on his temple and - Oh dear. I'm doomed.

I think I - I think I'm starting to actually fancy James Potter!

Well, now I can never face him again. My bed is soft, and warm, and the curtains around it are, thankfully, concealing, so I can very well live here the rest of my time at Hogwarts, right? I mean, what's five months? I heard about this barmy old man who locked himself up in a closet for a year, refusing to come out. They had to give him food through a tiny flap in the door.

Well, if he can do it - so can I! I'll just lock myself in here and - oh? Who's that?


Oh no. Not her. The exact time I don't want my best friend, Alice, to come around, she does. Oh dear.

"Lily, are you in there?" She says in a soft, motherly voice, as if I'm some poor sickling who can't do anything on her own. Humph! Just because she and Frank are going to have a bazillion babies - that doesn't mean she has to baby me!

"No," I say.

She pulls open a curtain and I blink back the offending light she has brought with her. "Go 'way," I mumble, turning over on my side, so I won't have to face her.

"Lily, I heard what happened," she says, trying to be soothing.

Oh, I forgot to mention one little thing. Just as I was being stupid and making the biggest mistake of my Hogwarts career, Sirius Black comes waltzing in and catches me at it. As he stands there, laughing like a lunatic, about to say something stupid, I rush off for my dormitory, where I am now.

I feel like throwing myself off of the astronomy tower - but that would entail leaving my nice, soft, non-mocking bed, and I really don't feel like doing that, thanks. Maybe I could jump out of my window instead. I bet it's high enough. I'd just have to avoid landing in the flower pot below. How embarrassing would that be? Gryffindor Girl Attempts Suicide - Lands on Flower Pot! I think I would die - no wait, I'd already be dead! Ha ha!

I think I giggled a little because Alice looks at me a little funny. "Are you okay, Lily?" She asks.

No, I'm not okay. I just embarrassed myself out of Hogwarts! Does it look like I'm okay?

"Never Better," I lie.

She gives me that Don't Lie to Me, Lily look and I try to resist so hard, but I can't.

"No, I'm not okay." I say grudgingly.

"Aw Lily!" She says, wrapping her arms around me. "Don't worry! It's no big deal! I'm sure James will ask you out soon, and ..."

"But I don't want to go out with Ja- Potter!" I exclaim, suddenly feeling very angry at everything. I'm angry that Alice feels the need to comfort me. I'm angry that Sirius Black is even alive. I'm especially angry at James Potter's stupid, whole head. And I'm mad at myself - because I think I might go crazy if James didn't ask me - No! Bad thoughts! I need to get out of here - I need to do something! "No I-" I begin, but I don't finish, because the next thing I know, I'm escaping out the other side of the bed and out the door and I'm running down the stairs and I'm tripping and ... ouch. That hurts.


How many potions does one girl need? And how many times do I have to insist that I am not suicidal! I did not mean to fall down those stairs - and I certainly didn't throw myself down them in an attempt to alleviate my embarrassment! Don't these people know about my clutzy ways? And by "these people" I mean Madam Pomfrey and Alice, who feels the need to act like my own personal mother for Reasons Unknown to Me.

Not that throwing myself down the stairs doesn't sound good - in fact, I'd go for a bit of stair-falling right now, if it meant that I could get out of the clutches of Madam and Mini Pomfrey. Because this is what I have dubbed Alice - Mini Pomfrey. Heh heh. I am most humourous.

Or maybe that's the potion talking.

You'd think, in all this running around and mothering me, Alice would realize that she put me in the bed right next to the curtained one James is in. If I were suicidal - which I'm not! - don't you think a little thing like that would tip me over the edge? Specially if he saw me here, in this horrible infirmary robe with the fifty billion empty potions cups around me. I think then I would die. But no, Alice is too preoccupied with making me miserable to see that she is, indeed, making me miserable.

Some best friend she is.

So now, I am taking all of their stupid potions and hoping that I am out of here before James wakes up and finds out that I am here. Especially since he probably still remembers how I acted when I was here before...

"Achoo!" I sneeze. That's weird. I don't really think I'm sick. I have a loud sneeze though, maybe Alice heard me. That would be bad. That would convince her that I am sick, even though I am not, just because I sneezed. I look over at her and - she's looking over here worriedly.

Don't come over.

Don't come over.

Don't come over.

"Lily, are you okay?" She yells over here. Honestly, I don't know why she just can't come over - wait no. Thank you Alice! For once you've finally read my brain waves!

"Never Better!" I yell back.

"Lily?" The person on the other side of the curtain asks, the person I know happens to be -


"Lily, what are you doing here?" He says, sounding all weak and sick. Now I'm starting to really feel bad for the guy. Maybe there's something I could do to make him feel better - wait. No. Bad thoughts!

"I, erm, kinda fell down the Girl's staircase in the common room." I try to mumble, but I know he hears it because he begins to laugh, which results in a hacking cough.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"You fell down the stairs?" He asks hoarsely.

"No," I say, but then I add, "Yes."

"That's the funniest thing I've ever heard," he says, but I know he doesn't really mean it. It's all the potions talking. "How'd you manage that?"

"Well, I was storming about because of something Alice said, so I didn't watch were I was going, and I tripped and ... now I'm here."

He manages to not cough while he's laughing this time. I think I like his laugh. Some people have really mismatched laughs - like you wouldn't expect it from that person - but his laugh seems to suit him - it's all ... I don't know - James-Potter-ish.

"Well at least I didn't fall off a broom," I say, but immediately regret it. No doubt it's something I totally don't understand. He doesn't respond, so I really begin to feel bad. "I'm sorry, James, I didn't mean to say something stupid - I always say something stupid, and-"

"Wait, what did you say?" He asks, pushing back the curtain a little. I can see that he's managed to move his bed over a little so he can just reach it. Now I can see him a little - and he can also see me! Merlin, I must look dreadful! I probably still have blood everywhere and -

"Lily?" he asks again and I realize I've gone silent.

"What?" I ask.

"What did you say, before?" he asks again.

What did I say? I said I was sorry, then I was rambling ... "Erm, something stupid?" I try.

"No. No. In the middle."

Oh! "James?" I try again.

He smiles a little and says, "I had a dream earlier - you were here, and you - you were playing with my hair. It - It wasn't a dream, was it?"

A little random there, Potter. What does that have to do with what you asked before? And how am I supposed to answer that, you don't really want the truth, do you? You don't expect it, right? If I gave you the truth, could you take it without being Mr. Inflated-Ego again? I can't really lie, can I? That seems wrong.

"Yeah, it was me," I say.

He looks shocked - I hope I didn't kill the poor bloke. "Oh," he says. "Why?"

Everything is so much simpler when you're drugged.

"I don't know - because it was there."

"Oh," he says like that's a plausible explanation. "Okay."

We both go silent for a moment.

"Hey Lily?" He asks.

"Yes, James?"

"Does that mean that you'll go to Hogsmeade with me this Saturday?"

"Yes James," I say. "Yes, it does."

"Oh," he says. "Okay." And then he passes out.

I smile a little. Maybe Potions aren't really a bad thing.

P.S. Reviews are lovely and it was just my birthday and this story is amazing, no? Save the Laura: Review.