Okay everyone. This is a joint effort story between TooLittleTooLate and myself (we played rock paper scissors to see who's name we got to post it under).. Basically we're take turns. She does all the odds, I do all the evens. So this first chapter is done by her. We very much hope that you enjoy. Here is her A/N:

FatuousSmugly Stupid. Complacently Foolish


We (being corncob and ToolittleToolate) don't own a single thing. We have no money to our names, and even if we did, it wouldn't be much. We only own the idea behind it all. Steal it and we WILL hunt you down. ENJOY!! Oh, and this first chapter is by ToolittleToolate. On with the masterpiece!


"Peas or carrots?" a low voice demanded. Zack looked up from his examination of some questionable looking…chicken? The person standing behind the counter was not Gertrude. Unless she had gotten a sex change operation, and that was highly unlikely.

"What did you do to Gertrude?!" Zack asked, pointing an accusing finger at the lunch lady imposter.

"She is no longer with the company. She was too old. They had the Turks care of her…Tseng never did like the way she looked at Rufus," Vincent said the second part in a thoughtful manner.

Zack looked around in a panic before a blue jacket crowded his view. Looking over, he saw Tseng: head Turk and his current idol. He'd never had the opportunity to speak more than five words to him; not that he didn't want to.

"Stop messing with kid, Valentine. Don't blame me because you got yourself lunch lady detail," Tseng scolded, adding more emphasis than necessary on the last three words. "Oh, and I'll have the peas."

Vincent rolled his eyes. With a loud 'plop' Tseng received his peas and walked over to join Seph at their usual table. Zack stared as he watched the two superior officers start to talk. It was weird how they had the whole table to themselves, but still sat so close together. Almost like they were afraid someone would try to eavesdrop.

"Ahem. You are holding up the line," Vincent said, waving a hand to show that the line was, in fact, starting to build. Zack pried his eyes away from the god of the 67th floor. "Well, peas or carrots?"

"Peas of course," Zack said without hesitation, looking over at Tseng again. Getting to the end of the line and paying for his highly nutritious and 'delicious' meal, he started to search for his lunch buddy.

After a few minutes of looking, he could feel his stomach start to clench with the fear that he was left alone for lunch. Oh sure, he wouldn't have to eat alone, just about everyone wanted the friendly SOLDIER to sit with them. But nothing could replace his energetic, somewhat eccentric, friend.

Finally seeing the object of his hunt, he headed towards the table. Noticing that there seemed to be a circle of empty tables around the vicinity of his friend, Zack pulled out a chair and looked at him questioningly.

"What? You act surprised that people don't like to sit near me," Reno said around a mouthful of food. "And what took you so long getting here? Did you misplace me again? We sit in the same spot everyday."

"You might move one day to throw me off. Besides, you're hard to find in a crowded cafeteria," Zack said, poking at the chicken.

"I'm taller than half of these people, I'm louder…Oh, and I have red hair. What about me blends in?" Reno asked. He looked up as people began to sit closer to them. "You're too likable. I worked very hard to clear out the tables around us. You're here for two seconds and suddenly they're crowding in like chocobos going in for the kill."

"One: I like being likable. Two: chocobos don't kill people, you're just afraid of them for no reason," Zack laughed at Reno 's expression of disbelief. He hated being told that the big birds were harmless and that he had no reason for being terrified of them.

"So," Zack started, trying to change the subject, "how did your prank on Elena go?"

"It went great! I totally had her convinced that Tseng was going to ask her out," Reno said, smiling like a little kid who had eaten the last cupcake. "She was running around trying to fix her hair and put on makeup. When Tseng called her into his office I thought she was going to explode." Reno smirked at the memory.

"How mad was she? Did she smack you or threaten you bodily harm this time?" Zack asked, digging into his peas.

"Eh, she was a little on the annoyed side. I had to hide in the air vents for an hour," Reno shrugged. Looking around he saw Hojo staring at him and Zack. "I hate that guy. Why doesn't the president let one of the Turks kill him?"

Zack followed Reno 's gaze and immediately turned back around. It made him nervous when Hojo looked at him with, what appeared to be, lust in his eyes.

"Well…he does help make SOLDIER stronger. I mean, look how powerful Seph is," Zack said, looking at the silver haired general. Naturally his eyes moved to Tseng, who was gesturing wildly. It looked like he was reenacting a ' Reno moment.'

"Seph's crazy though." At Zack's look Reno quickly amended what he had said. "I meant…sure he's really strong and all, but he does have a temper on him."

"And Tseng doesn't? And that's without the mako in him. Turks must be too soft to handle it." Zack might've worshiped the ground Tseng walked on, but he would always defend Seph first.

"What? We're too soft? Or maybe SOLDIER can't be useful without it." Reno said, his short temper finally flaring up. No one insulted his job and live to talk about it, most ended up with a bullet hole in their head or being beaten to death with his EMR.

"Oh please. Shinra would fall without its army. Turks aren't really needed; they're just a good threat." Zack looked a little surprised by what he had just said, but didn't retract his little dig.

People sitting near by began abandoning their own conversations to listen to the fight. Some had even scooted away a little.

"At least my boss doesn't look like a chick!" Reno yelled, not being able to take any more abuse.

Silence filled the lunchroom for the first time in Shinra's history. Everyone was looking between Reno and Zack's table and Seph and Tseng's. Zack stared at Reno in disbelief. Everyone saw that the two friends were about to kill each other and quickly distanced themselves.

As everybody ran for the doors Reeve walked into the cafeteria holding a cup of fresh coffee. He had heard shouting and then complete silence. Being bored, he is the head of Urban Development after all, he walked in to find out what was happening.

Unfortunately he walked in just as a herd of panicked Shinra employees were trying to flee. Someone shoved into him, spilling coffee all over his suit.

"Dammit! This is why I send Cait Sith everywhere for me!" He turned around to go to his office to get the extra suit he had. With Reno always pulling pranks, you never knew when you'd need a change of clothes.

As he walked down the hall towards the elevators he heard what sounded like the beginning of a food fight.

'That's weird, I thought everyone had left…This coffee is never going to come out.' Reeve thought, wiping at his jacket.


Okay! That's it for our first chapter! Let us know what you think. We are lazy people and work well with encouragement. What? Needing a little love is no sin, hahaha.