The Romance of Hamton and Fifi

By Solidfact

"Look, Hammy," Plucky Duck's voice seemed to come from a very far distance, "no matter how long you stare at it, that phone ain't gonna dial itself."

Hamton's hands were shaking just slightly, just enough, to betray his nerves. He'd been hanging out with Plucky, asking his best friend just what he should do. He'd had a crush on Fifi La Fume since before he could remember. They'd always been close, true friends through thick and thin, and it had been a dream come true when he'd taken her to the Acme Looniversity Prom, but it had been something of a one-time thing. Hamton, however, had for the past several weeks felt a strong compulsion to actually tell Fifi, to reveal the true depths of his feelings and let her know that this little piggy was hopelessly in love with her. The trouble was how to do it, and that's why he was at Plucky's. He needed advice, and Plucky was the only one he felt he could trust with this information.

For once, Plucky had surprised Hamton by coming to his rescue and being completely up front with him. Usually it involved crazy schemes, but this time, the answer was simple. Call her up, ask to meet, and spill your guts (figuratively, that is, although Hamton was nervous enough to do it the other way as well.) Part of him wanted to just put the phone down, but the other part, that part deep down in his gut (and parts below) desperately wanted to dial.

"But what if she says no?" said Hamton in a small voice.

"C'mon, Hammy," said Plucky shaking his friend by the shoulders, "she adores you, and besides, even if she says no then at least you'll know, but you won't know until you dial those buttons, buddy. Go on!"

Hamton's finger quivered over the buttons of the phone and Plucky held his breath. Despite the simple fact that Hamton was his best friend, Plucky had a selfish motive in what he was doing. He had a bet going with Shirley that Hamton and Fifi would start dating and start it up soon. Shirley had told him that there was no chance. Hamton was too shy to try and Fifi's odor problem would drive any boy away. Still, Plucky was confident. He was perceptive enough to notice that the odor thing didn't seem to bother Hamton, and besides that, he knew full well how Hammy felt about the girl-skunk.

This'll be my good deed for the week, thought Plucky as he watched Hamton's finger press the first button.


Fifi La Fume lounged on her bed feeling bored and lonely. She was anticipating another long night by herself playing records and wishing she had some cute boy there cuddling with her. It was hard being a skunk, particularly one with her odor problem, so bad that it was visible. She'd never been able to get together with any boy long enough for anything at all to happen. There had been her chases with Furball, but she'd recently given up on him. What was the point? He was always running away anyways. Fifi needed a skunk, the only species that could stand her scent. Of course, her last try at a skunk-hunk hadn't been all that successful either. She sneered when she thought of that cad Johnny Pew and grabbed up a dart to throw at the poster on the wall. It had made a good dartboard once she'd found out the sort of scum he'd turned out to be.

And yet...she found her mind turning to another at that time. As her mind scanned the many male faces she knew, it focused on the large honest eyes, the shy little smile, and the cute piggy nose of Hamton Pig. Of all the boys she knew, he was her secret favorite, close to her like nobody else was willing to be. Her closest friend...and he'd taken her to the prom hadn't he? Fifi curled up, her arms wrapped around herself, thinking of that night. It had been a dream come true. She'd found the shy little piglet actually very attentive and sweet...and very romantic. He'd shown up with flowers, taken her to dinner, danced close to her. No boy had ever even danced with her much less close to her before that night. When Hamton took her home, they'd shared a kiss on her porch that burned like napalm, exploded like the fourth of July, and made her toes curl every time she thought about it. Her toes were curling now as she thought of it. She wanted those lips against hers again.

The phone's ring shattered her fantasies and her first reaction was to answer harshly to this crass intrusion, but she restrained herself, taking a deep breath before picking up the reciever.

"Oui?" she said.

"Fifi?" came that nasal and slightly congested sounding voice she'd been longing to hear, "it's Hamton."

"Oh, mon petit peu de lard," said Fifi, "so nice to hear from you."

Hamton blushed deeply as he heard Fifi call him her little name for him, which translated as "my little bacon bit." She was the only one who was ever allowed to call him that. She'd earned the right. Well, one good turn deserves another. Fifi had taught him a little French.

"It's good to hear your voice as well, ma belle souffler-queue," Hamton said, hoping he got it right.

"You just called me your beautiful puff-tail!" Fifi told him, suddenly falling off her bed laughing.

"Oh...sorry, I...," said Hamton, his voice full of nerves.

"Don't be," cooed Fifi assuringly, "I'll be your beautiful puff-tail any day of the week."

"Um...yeah, look," said Hamton seeming to push forward before he lost his nerve, "I was wondering...if I could meet you somewhere...private. I've got something I want to talk to you about."

It was the nerves in Hamton's voice that got Fifi's attention. That in and of itself made her pulse race, as well as what he was asking. Could she even dare to hope? Well, whatever the case, she could at least see him, but it would have to be private. She knew how bashful Hamton was, and then the thought occured to her.

"I know the place," she told him, "the Acme Health Spa, the mud baths. We can be alone there if you come in an hour. My family owns them."

There was a silence of almost a minute and Fifi was scared that she'd finally succeeded in scaring Hamton off. Then his voice was back, a little unsteady.

" an hour then," he said, "I'll be there. See you, Fifi."

After they'd hung up, Fifi scrambled to her makeup table. She wanted to look her best. Oh please please let this be about what I think it will be!


Fifi had already sunk into the mud bath when Hamton arrived. He'd been sweating bullets in the locker room as he'd put on his trunks, but now he was out. He could tell that Fifi had touched up her eyeshadow and those long lashes of hers were fluttering. This did nothing for his nerves, but did something for his confidence. He resisted the urge to leap into the mud (the inner pig talking to him) but approached slowly. Fifi, meanwhile, turned the full force of her smouldering gaze on him, looking him over. It's true, he was no hunk, but Fifi didn't mind that. She liked the way he looked, even that cute little pot-belly of his. She raised a hand.

"Come on in," she purred, "it's quite warm. Join me."

Hamton's heart was hammering and he was aware that his trunks were becoming much more...visibly filled. He slipped into the mud with Fifi and hoped she didn't notice, but she did and that thrilled her more than anything, but it also scared her a little bit. Despite the reputation people liked to give her, she was still a virgin. It's kind of hard not to be when every boy you come across runs in terror and disgust. Not like Hamton. She winked playfully as Hamton got into a good comfortable wallowing position and gently tapped his snout.

"So then," she said, "what is it that was so important that you needed to speak to me in private."

"Well," said Hamton after a few tries at finding his voice, "you see...I've been thinking about things...lately. remember the prom?"

"How could I forget?" said Fifi with a giggle, "such a fine figure you cut in a tux."

"Yeah...thanks, you look great in a dress," said Hamton before swallowing hard and continuing, "the thing is...I've been thinking about...what if...look, I want you to know that I like you a lot."

"Well, I like you a lot, too, sweet piglet," said Fifi in casual tone although inside she was going crazy.

"I a more than friends way, I like you a lot," blurted Hamton blushing mightily.

There was silence for a while. At least it was out in the open now. The silence dragged and Hamton wondered if he hadn't just gone and made the one mistake that would drive Fifi away. Fifi, on the other hand, couldn't believe she'd heard what she'd just heard. Finally, Hamton felt two arms and a thick bushy tail wrap around him suddenly as Fifi plastered herself to him, covering his forehead and ears in kisses.

"You do not know how long it has been that I have longed to hear this," she said, her lips reaching his cheeks, "I have felt the same since before the prom and after."

"Really?" said Hamton, "wow, I mean...I...mmmmph!"

Fifi had just captured his lips in a big noisy smooch that left him breathless. She was then pulling him out of the mud.

"Let us go to dinner and celebrate," she said, "I know just the place."

So stunned was Hamton by the sheer force of that kiss that he offered no resistance to being pulled along in the direction of the locker rooms. His mind was still digesting the fact that Fifi...well, she'd just said she felt the same way, and they were now going to go celebrate in some fashion. That thought made the blood even hotter in his veins and he could almost hear and smell the sizzling. Hamton pulled on his clothes and met Fifi on the other side, offering his arm timidly and having it taken enthusiastically as she led him to her favorite restraunt.


The restraunt in question was a typically French one, although it served large portions which suited Hamton fine. Given that he was also an adventurous eater, the accomidations were more than sufficient. They'd been given a candle-lit table in a private corner of the restraunt and the more time they spent, the more relaxed and open Hamton became. They were acting as they normally did, two best buddies, although that was now colored with something more. Indeed, they were holding hands under the table. Fifi, for her part, was feeling extremely giddy, although she had more practice at concealing it than Hamton did. It was all she could do not to simply scoot over to Hamton's side of the table and slide onto his lap.

Well, this night will not end with dinner, Fifi thought to herself, I will see to it that my little love-sausage comes home with me. I cannot have another night alone, he must come.

Unfortunately for these two hapless romantics, this area of town was also the favorite hangout of another much less pleasant inhabitant of Acme Acres, the rich and ruthless Montana Max. Max had been bored this evening and so had decided to just cruse around the area looking for someone to torment. His limosine paused as he neared the Petit Canard, the French restraunt that foul-smelling skunk family had moved in. It was doing a good business, he could see that, and that enraged Monty all the more. He wanted to see it go out of business so that he could put another Mr. Mediocre burger stand in its place or something similar. He'd told his father he wanted to see that business gone, but that had been out of their power for some reason. That alone put Max in a bad temper about it.

Then, Max looked closer through the window and he saw something that made his grin turn cruel. There was that little geek Hamton having dinner across from that skunk-slut Fifi La Fume. Max's knuckles itched when he remembered that night the pig had humiliated him at the wrestling match, tricking him into thinking that he was much stronger than he was. He'd turn the porker into a football when he was done with him. As for the skunk, she might be fun for a bit before he turned her into a Davey Crockett-style hat.

"Grovely," growled Max, "pull around the corner and wait."

The dutiful butler and chaufer did as he was told and Max stepped out to wait near the entrance of the eatery, sliding a set of joy-buzzer enhanced brass-knuckles (product of Acme Inc.) over one of his hands. This was going to be fun. He didn't have his usual backup of Dizzy Devil and Calamity Coyote, but he wouldn't need them for these two.

Fifi's giggle rang out in the street as she left with Hamton, holding his arm, her cheek lightly pressing against his as they walked close together. Hamton had told her a little joke in his straight and quiet way that always got to her. He didn't have to mug the camera to make a good delivery. He was the picture of subtlety. Unfortunately, Montana Max was not subtle at all as he stepped out of the alley and into the path of the two lovebirds, the electricity crackling along the knobs on his knuckles. Max was pleased to see the wide eyes on both of their faces.

"Welcome to your doom, geeks," said Max as he began to approach, "I'm gonna wipe the street with you!"

Fifi was terrified, not for herself so much as for Hamton. All of her protective instincts rose and her hands balled into fists.

"You are not getting anywhere near him, ruffian!" she shouted, the fur on her back standing up.

Hamton, however, despite his fear, was thinking rationally. He'd spent some long hours with Porky Pig learning the fine art of subtle and simple gags used in self-defense. Porky was a master at it, but Hamton was beginning to pick it up. What's more, he knew Monty's weakness.

"Wait," said Hamton, "don't hurt her. If you don't hurt us, I'll give you all the money I have."

At the mention of money, Max's eyes turned dollar-signs. Well, he could always accept payment, give them a head start, then come after them again. Why not?

"Okay, wimp," he said, "hand it over."

"Hamton," protested Fifi.

"Please," Hamton assured her, "we don't want our perfect night ruined any more than he's done already."

The explanation seemed to at least sate her, which is all that was needed, but it also disappointed Fifi. It disappointed her, that is, until she saw that the wad of bills that Hamton handed over had a fizzing fuse coming out of the bottom (which Max didn't notice at all.) Fifi did her best to keep her face in the state of fearful anger it had held, but it was difficult. Hamton was showing his usual timidity as Max pocketed the loot, the fuse still visible.

"Now get outa here before I change my mind!" screamed Max.

Hamton wasted no time in grabbing Fifi's hand and running, her going as fast as him around the corner. In a few seconds, Max's laughter was cut off by an explosion and Hamton and Fifi were safely hidden around a few corners giggling like mad. Fifi felt silly for doubting Hamton. She should have known he'd pull through.

"Masterfully done," she told him, "you are, how you say, my hero."

"Well, we're still in the open," said Hamton, "and I don't know this part of town. Max can't be far behind. We need a place to hide. Do you know somewhere?"

Fifi glanced around the area. She knew a place: her home. It wasn't far from where they were and it was where she wanted to take him anyway.

"Come with me, mon amour," she told him as they slipped through the alleys, "I have a place where we can hide as long as we wish."


Fifi lived alone. She always had done as long as she could remember. True, she had family, but most of them were in France and those that immigrated with her lived in other little places. Her uncle, who owned the restraunt, was the only big success, and he had his own family to look after. Her home was a broken down car, but a stylish red one with a comfortable interior. She watched Hamton's expression uneasily.

"It is not much," she admitted, "but it's home."

"Yep," said Hamton, "and home is where the heart is. It looks great. You've obviously made a lot of improvements."

Fifi felt her relief take over. Hamton had noticed the improvements at least, had noticed the repairs she'd made to the exterior of the car and the garden she'd planted around it. She felt a delicious thrill through her entire body as she opened the door and let him inside, closing it and locking it behind them. They were alone in her fortress and none would get to either of them. She hit the alarm system and anti-intrusion measures to activate them so that none would get anywhere near there without them knowing. What's more, Hamton wasn't getting out. She wasn't truly fearful of that. She was convinced that he wouldn't run away, but every little assurance helped her confidence.

"Have a seat my sweet," said Fifi softly, "I'll put on some music. I trust you like jazz."

Hamton nodded, he did like jazz and the music Fifi put on was perfect. He floated like one in a daze to the large back seat that served as sofa and bed for Fifi and she soon joined him, this time doing what she'd been wanting to for quite some time tonight and sliding onto his lap, wrapping arms and tail around him, fluffy tail tip tickling him under his chin. Hamton's nerves were racing like formula 500 cars, but he also had determined to do what he'd been dreaming of and let go a little bit. His own arms wrapped around Fifi, holding her soft and shapely body against him.

"Ooh-la-la," whispered Fifi, "you do not know how long it has been that I have wanted to get you here, alone with me, how many nights I lay alone here wishing you were here as well. And now here you are."

"Yes, here I am," said Hamton, his voice breaking, but his determination to say what he felt he needed to keeping him going, "and any time you want...just call and I'll come right over. I...I..."

The struggle was becoming too much for him. It felt like something was stopping his words, but he needed to say them, nonetheless. Fifi's heart was pounding. She thought she knew what Hamton was going to say. She wanted to hear it desperately, but she needed to know if he meant it. That meant he had to say it with no prompting. Finally, Hamton managed it.

"I love you, Fifi," Hamton choked out.

"Oh...Hamton...," Fifi gasped.

Then there was only a moment's silence before Fifi kissed Hamton again, this time a full-on lip-lock and this time in the most intimate of French styles. Her tongue shot into his mouth, wrapped around his own tongue like a python and scoured over his teeth. It went so far in that it came out his left ear, then entered his right one and went back to wrestling with his tongue. Encouraged, while he couldn't kiss her so thouroughly as this, his own tongue entered her mouth. The two of them squirmed and rolled together on that seat, Fifi's legs wrapping wantonly around Hamton's waist, her groin pressing needfully against his. She could feel what she could only see at the mud baths earlier. Hamton had his sausage standing tall. She wanted it, she wanted him in every way she could have him. Most of Hamton's brain had already taken a hike, leaving just enough to allow him to stop if Fifi asked him to, and his hormones had taken over. His fingers stroked up and down Fifi's spine and along her tail as they continued their seemingly endless lip lock. Fifi was moaning into Hamton's mouth and his voice answered hers, particularly when her fingers began to fondle his pointed ears. Their mouthes seperated for a moment as her kisses began to spread all over his face.

"Hamton," she whispered, "Hamton, mon bonbon de plaisir, I want you. I want you so very much and I want you now! But be gentle, please. I need to feel your love."

Hamton's voice didn't work, but his head could still nod. He knew that he was not going to leave Fifi's side tonight.


Outside on the branch of a tree, Plucky wiped his brow with one hand as he took a slug from his soda using another. It had been successful, but he hadn't imagined it would be quite that successful. He couldn't understand it himself, but to each his own. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Shirley's number.

"Hey Sherl," he said, "guess what? You owe me twenty."

Plucky savored the silence before hearing her response.

"Nevermind how I managed it," he said, "like I said before, it was already going to happen. I just gave a shove in the right direction. Anyways, I'll tell you when we meet tomorrow."

Plucky slid down from the tree and headed off, chuckling to himself. Tonight was a good night for him...and Hamton...and Fifi, come to that, but he would be watching with interest to see if this could last. Maybe he could win another twenty in the process.

The End (For Now)