sorry, i was going to update Masked Happiness before starting anything else but i just saw episode 18 of Cowboy Bebop and it got to me so i wanted to get it out and i thought i'd upload it now... mostly to save time later lol - i hope you like it (i know its short and probably isnt that great but its all so sad so i really wanted to get it all down...) - by the way, its from Faye's POV and its supposed to be right after she saw the beta tape... so sad TT anyway, on with it... (and thanks for taking the time to read it )

Faye's Diary

Hey, it's me…

Don't know where to start really… I just, I don't know. Thought it would be good to write down some of the feelings in my head I guess. Sounds dumb huh… I just, I just feel so alone all the time. Constantly, it never goes away, but I don't think that's the problem. It's my past, or lack there of.

Pathetic huh, a few lost memories and I'm pouring my heart out on paper. It's just… I just want to know who I was, what kind of person I was. I mean, peoples past's, even if they're bad and stuff, that's what makes them who they are right? Experiences and memories… to think of even a single moment and remember how you felt, inside and out.

I don't have that, any of that. I feel like I started life half way through, like I was just kind of thrown into it, you know? I just can't seem to get my head around it. There's nothing there… nothing at all.

What makes me suddenly in the mood to write all this stuff down you ask? Hehe, I definitely wouldn't have done this yesterday… this time yesterday I would've thought this was immature, naïve, just plain stupid… but today… it's the knowledge that I've done it before. And at the time I clearly didn't think it was any of those things, or if I did, I didn't care. That video… heh, Jet and Spike looked for ages for something to play that thing on… and in the end it still wasn't them that found it, hehe…I wonder if they would have bothered if they'd known what it was? Or if they knew I saw it, I know I wasn't supposed to unless I paid but come on, you can't keep things from a Romane, it's in my nature, who could blame me? I guess I'm just too curious for my own good, huh.

But those things, on the tape… they were tiny, little, seemingly insignificant things but they were there. I had a bedroom once, toys, a pink bedspread. I had friends. It didn't shock me but I'd never thought about those small things before… the details… and now here I am, writing, recording this part of my life like I did so many years ago… I wonder… I wonder if in ten years time, or more, if I'll read this again and think of this time of my life… I wonder if I'll still remember… anything… seeing it again, who I was all those years ago… I didn't remember it.

I wish I did, and I know it looked like me… it was me… I just don't remember it. But… but I think seeing all of that… seeing that that girl was me and that I was happy… I had friends…had a life, and I was happy… that's enough.

Well, either way, it's all I've got. Those words though… I may have forgotten… forgotten who that happy, bright, friendly girl was, but I'll never forget those words… never…

"I may not be there with you now, but I'll always be cheering you on... my only me"

I wonder if she is.

so sad! - anyway, thankyou so much for reading it, please review (pleeeeeeese ) - and also, apologies if i got what she said (at the end of the beta tape) wrong at all... if it is wrong then its still fairly close so u get the point - thanx for reading