The Untold Story
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian
Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the other stories in this anthology are inspired by. For the record, the tampon gun does exist. It's very disturbing.
that Never Was…
Axel artfully dodged the tampon, moving with the grace of someone from The Matrix. He flipped in midair, grabbing several tampons by the strings and setting them alight, swirling them around like fiery nunchuks before sending them flying at Xigbar.
Xigbar, moving with the skill of a John Woo movie character, flipped around the flaming tampons and returned fire, briefly taking cover behind a wall and reloading.
Saix wandered in as their firefight began anew. He shook his head, the moonlight from the skylight above the lounge shimmering down on his forehead, smooth and unmarked. He picked up a book that was laying on the coffee table and began reading from it.
"'Crack Baby Farming For Fun And Profit.' Hm. Must be something Larxene brought back from a mission," he said as he read the book casually.
Xigbar and Axel's firefight had descended into a brawl, the two grappling comically in a cloud of dust as they tried to beat the crap out of each other. A stray tampon landed near Saix, and he picked it up curiously.
Speaking of things belonging to Larxene, he said, picking up the tampon and staring at it curiously, never actually having seen one before. "Huh…"
He barely noticed as the door slammed open and a pissed-beyond-measure Larxene quite literally stormed in, her fury so great that she radiated a constant electrical aura. She saw Saix holding one of her tampons and in her rage, she decided to focus her wrath on him.
Normally she wouldn't try such a stunt. Saix outclassed everyone except Xemnas himself. But right now she was too pissed to care.
"GIMMIE THOSE," she snarled, dashing over to the brawl and grabbing Axel's chakrams from him. She flung them with tremendous accuracy, the twin weapons flying towards Saix and slashing him across the face.
Xemnas chose that exact moment to walk in. "Look, jackasses, don't make me… GUH…"
Saix's blood sprayed across Xemnas's face as the berserker went down screaming and clutching his face.
"OH GOD, OH GOD, MY FACE IS BLEEDING!!!" he said, writhing about in pain.
Larxene dusted her hands off, calmer now for having inflicted pain on someone.
Xigbar, Axel, and Xemnas stared at Saix in utter horror.
"Looks kinda like an 'X,'" Xigbar said after a moment, staring at the slashes on Saix's face, "Gnarly…"
Xigbar traded looks with Axel, took one look at Larxene, and then ran for their lives.
Xemnas shivered in disgust. Bodily functions of any kind disgusted him. "Oh… Oh, that's gonna leave a mark… Lots…"
Larxene snorted angrily and left the room. "I'm not cleaning this up…" she grumbled.
Xemnas grumbled angrily as he picked up the last of the scattered, mostly charred tampons, putting them all in a neat, orderly pile. He glared at the pile, standing on his knees as he gingerly pushed them all into something resembling a stack.
Larxene wandered back into the room, having grown bored with hearing Saix screaming for vengeance from the infirmary. She leaned casually against the wall, watching Xemnas work.
"Stupid tam… t-tam…" he muttered.
Larxene snickered. Schmuck can't even say the word… she thought in amusement.
"Why does she need them, anyway?" Xemnas snapped.
Larxene grinned viciously. She knew an opportunity when she heard one. And it was so rare that she got chances to torment the more powerful Nobody…
"Because, oh wise superior," she said, teleporting next to him and startling him enough to make him fall forward into the pile of tampons, "Being a female, even a female Nobody, requires my body to spew forth a veritable cornucopia of blood and tissue from orifices NO MAN SHALL EVER BEHOLD so long as he wishes to view what exists of his manhood without the assistance of a microscope and reconstructive surgery."
She paused to take a breath, noting with satisfaction that Xemnas looked green around the gills, and continued, "This is so that, were I still in possession of a Heart, I would be able to expel small, wailing children in order to counteract natural selection and ensure the survival of the species."
She smirked briefly, and then leaned in close to Xemnas's ear, adding, "In other words, Superior, I BLEED FROM THE VAGINA."
Xemnas moaned and quivered in outright disgust. Larxene had to bite back a giggle, keeping her usual mostly irritated expression on her face.
"Anything further questions, sir?" she asked.
Xemnas shook his head, his voice hoarse. "Nope. I'm good. For life. Yeah…"
Larxene nodded. "Then if you'll excuse me, I've Xigbar and Axel's brutal mutilation to get cracking on."
Xemnas nodded, unable to turn his head towards her. "Yeah. That's cool. Have a party."
Larxene nodded and skipped away, a smile on her face as she sang, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood…"
As she came to the lounge's exit, she looked back. Xemnas had his fists clenched, and was visibly trying not to cry.
I'm cool. I will not cry. I'm cool. I will not cry. I will NOT CRY. I'm cool. I WILL NOT--- he thought.
Larxene knew she'd probably regret it later. But it was just too great an opportunity to miss. She teleported right next to him and said "UUUUUUUUTERUS…" in a soft, wispy voice.
Xemnas screamed and began sobbing openly.
Larxene laughed viciously and teleported away.