X-Unwritten: More Than Words-x
Except for the obvious and needed Dasey tweaks, -the boy I'm talking about is not my step-brother, and we don't live in the same house.- this is pretty much autobiographical. Casey's words are my words. And they needed to be taken off of my chest. God, I'm crying writing this. I'm sorry for not updating, and publishing this instead. But I need to write this for me.
I don't understand. He makes it so hard to understand.
His written words are so perfect. It all sounds so beautiful and true. But his spoken words are so wrong. It all sounds so fake.
He can't say I love you without it sounding harsh. Yeah, whatever. Love you. He makes it sound like an obligation. Not a privilege. Like it's forced.
I've sat in the room right next to his, staring at the computer screen, waiting for his message, since he can't be in my room. That's actually how we started to get along. We sent each other messages. We couldn't yell at each other, even though we were a room apart. Being able to talk without interruption through message seemed to break down a barrier, and open up doors for us to communicate.
Eventually, it became more personal. It was almost like nothing he could write could be wrong. It was always perfect. He even asked me out through email. It may seem stupid, since, as already mentioned, Derek and I were only a room apart. But it was great. I thought it would be perfect, just like those words.
He still treated me horribly. If I wasn't being ignored completely, or being made felt like he didn't want to talk to me, I was being spoken to rudely. Like I was still Klutzilla, and not his Casey. He would say he's drive me home, so we could go home together, but end up leaving, going somewhere else. Staying with the guys, or whatever. I'd end up walking home by myself, or with Emily.
Not being able to talk to him in person about this, it kept going through message.
Derek, you know I really like you.
So I'm hoping that it may just take you a bit to adjust to being my boyfriend.
I really come off as a dick. I'm sorry about that. I really, really like you too. I don't mean to be mean. You make me smile. When I wake up in the morning, it may sound silly, but I wait for you to come downstairs, like I'm worried you won't be there anymore. Sometimes I stare at you just because your so pretty and your like, "What?". I love driving you home and I would always rather stay with you once we are home, but I always have to go somewhere, do something. But I really don't want to go. I want to stay and spend my time with you. I'm sorry I'm not able to drive you home all the time. I feel horrible for making you walk. Trust me, I'd rather be with you. I know we don't talk much and I'm really sorry. I feel good when I talk to you. A lot of things have been going on with me and thats mostly the reason I'm not able to talk to you. When we first started going out, I would sometimes just walk past you, or fall asleep and we wouldn't talk at all. The funny thing is that that's changed. I'm eager to talk to you but fear I'll have nothing to say. I really really like you Casey. I almost love you. I feel like this relationship might end early because of me. I don't want that. I want to stay with you as long as I can. I guarantee that things will get better. I promise.
And then everything that was bothering me would melt, and I would cave into his words. Because those words were what I wanted.
Well... That was nearly perfect. No, scratch that, it was perfect. I don't mean to come off a sappy chick, or anything, but I nearly cried. I seriously teared up. Because everything you said, was everything I hoped you felt. I want you to know, everything you feel, I feel. I love being around you, I'm just so unsure of myself, that it was always at the back of my mind, "Does he really want to be around me?" But this took away all my doubts. I want to be with you as long as I can too. I love talking to you, always. Even if it's completely silent and neither of us say a thing, just knowing you're their, choosing to be with me instead of doing something else, is really enough for me. And truthfully, I can see myself completely falling for you. And even though I've told you I like you a lot, I think you underestimate it. Because I'm definitely not about to let this relationship end early for anything. Especially seeing as we both apparently feel the same about each other. And I'm really glad that you could open up and tell me this.
I think I'm still naive enough to take what he writes and believe it. Even for a moment.
He would go days without talking to me. Strange, seeing as it was inevitable to pass each other in the house. But nothing. At school, I would be around, but it felt like I wasn't.
More pretty words.
Don't ask me how, but you have the worst way of making almost everything sound like you could care less, or you're trying to be mean.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to. I really care. I care how you feel. I'm sorry.
I'm still holding on to your promise.
But the sad thing is, even if things don't get better, I'm stupid enough to keep holding on. Because thats how I am, and thats just how much I care about you.
What do you mean your stupid enough to keep holding on?
I mean, even if you treated me like I was nothing, I would probably stay with you, hoping something would change. Maybe stupid isn't the best word. It's just, I don't know. I'm just a lot better at showing you how I feel. I kind of feel like the only feeling Ive gotten out of you has been through email, or at least not in person. I mean, the letter the other night was email. You asked me out over email. And in person I don't get that feeling. Its actually kind of confusing for me. Because I have you telling me you almost love me, but then I get rudeness. And even though you keep saying that you don't mean to, you give off a HUGE vibe that says, I don't really care.
I care. I do. I'm afraid to show my affection. I don't know why. I just can't. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm sorry. I feel so horrible.
I just don't want to let myself fall, if thats all I'm going to do. Fall. I don't want to get hurt. And I don't want to always feel like you'd rather be somewhere else.
I don't want to hurt you in any way although I already have. I'm sorry. I'm horrible for you, and not because I want to be. I'm sick. I'm throwing up. I have to go. Love you, bye.
I heard him leave his room, and enter the bathroom. I heard the toilet flush and him leave the bathroom. I wasn't sure if he was going to get back on his computer, but I had to reply.
I'm sure by the time you get this, Ill have asked you, but the love you part: was that to make me feel better, or because you feel it and wanted to say it?
He did get back on his computer.
I feel it. Just to let you know, if you ever fell, I would be there to catch you. Seriously. I'm sorry I don't show affection. Your right, fuck the people. I really do love you. Kiss-Kiss. Good-night.
And even though I knew I shouldn't have...
Casey: I love you, too.
I could have melted. I knew I shouldn't. I knew that they were words, and he wasn't showing anything behind them, and that the next day he would treat me like I wasn't there. Like he hadn't told me he loved me for the first time. I knew that the next day something would happen. Just like it did. Like when he spoke the words, it was like, Yeah, whatever. Love you. He said it at my bedroom door entrance right before he was leaving for hockey practice. I closed the door on him.
I was already angry at him. He had told me once again we would drive home together, yet I watched him walking toward his car with Anthone Marcos. He had seen me too. So, I started to walk home by myself. It only took moments for my emotion to over come me, and for me to drop down on a curb and sob. I probably would have stayed there if Emily and Sam hadn't shown up and taken me home.
I knew nothing spoken would resolve a thing. Though nothing written would either. It was all just his sugar coated words of meaningless nothings. But I wrote to him anyway.
You make me wonder if I should believe you. You make words written sound so perfect, but words spoken sound so fake. You write that you love me. Say it without being, Well, whatever. Love you. Bye.
Say, I love you.
Fuck, why are we making this so difficult.
I'm sorry for my half. I think you're sorry for yours.
I love you.
I want to be around you.
I want to kiss you.
But when I'm around you, you make me feel so invisible. When you're talking to me, you make me feel like you don't want to be.
Do I ever cross your mind throughout the day? Because you're ALWAYS on mine. No matter what I'm doing, or where I am. Id rather be with you. Do you ever feel like that?
I know you mean well. Theres something keeping you from letting yourself love me completely. And because of that, I'm keeping myself from loving you completely. You've already made me cry so much, so everything you say, I take and protect myself with a wall. One night you'll say you love me so much, and you hate yourself for hurting me. But the next day its like you never told me that you love me. Like you don't really want to be around me. Like something, someone, or everything else, matters more than me.
I WANT to be with you.
I WANT to love you.
And I DONT want to feel like this.
He's in the next room. I know he's at his computer. He's been logged on for an hour, and still hasn't replied.
And yet, I'm still waiting.
Okay, I don't know. My boy problems really hurt, but to all of you, they are probably boring, so I am sorry if you feel like I wasted your time with this. But I do thank you for reading.
I will work on updates.
Love to all.