A parody of "Wanderings" by SiriusFan13
By Shirou Shinjin.
Disclaimer: I have not, do not, and most likely will never own Rurouni Kenshin, or its characters. They belong to various evil corporations, and the wonderful Watsuki-sama. I'm just going to borrow them for a bit, k?
Also, before someone chews me out about it, yes this is posted with SiriusFan13's permission.
"Shishio-sama!" Houji said, rapidly entering the room by crashing through the wall.
The bandaged man looked up, his burning eyes thankfully looking slightly less dangerous than usual. "What is it?"
The other man bowed quickly. Then he fell over. As he straightened, he tried to mold his expression into one that was less emotional. He didn't completely succeed. "Shishio-sama, the kittens have escaped. They got into the powdered sugar and ate some of our guards. We've searched everywhere, but... they're gone..." He bowed his head, waiting for punishment.
"I'm a little tea-pot short and stout," Soujiro said brightly.
Houji looked up to see him smiling.
"Do these bandages make me look fat?" Shishio's voice was clearly amused.
Houji gaped at him. "Wha—?" He swallowed. "Sir?"
(Here is my handle, here is my wow; what's this long thing growing out the side of my torso?)
"He he he. I can smell purple! The kittens are of no concern. This is why I had you train my death penguins. Now that Katsura is dead and with Battousai already coming, I need a new haircut." He laughed. "Still, it's a shame. I've only got one peppermint left. All your base are belong to Hello Kitty. I demand you bring me a taxidermied squirrel!"
Houji wasn't being paid enough to put up with this. He just knew this was Chou's doing... he'd been sneaking random mushrooms into the food again! He would chase after him as soon as he got the doors to hold still.
Two agonising days later...
This was bad. It had been three days since everyone had started acting weird. Luckily, Houji was too busy to eat a full meal the night someone coughchoucough had poisoned their food, so he had recovered after a night's rest. But after that...
Soujirou had started singing western nursery rhymes all hours of the day, in addition to holding staring contests with the tree frogs.
He tended to just grin at them for hours on end. Eventually, the tree frog would start shaking violently, race up the nearest tree and...
He was worried about what was going to happen when there weren't any frogs left.
Sourjirou would then, undoubtedly start having staring contests with people. That would be bad.
Hanya seemed to have devolved somewhat. Now he was convinced that he was not only a bat, but someone called "Durakyura" and kept trying to bite people. Then he would screech at the sunlight and hide in the roof.
Anji had wandered off to the nearest boulder larger than he was, smashed it into a big concave shell, and had now declared that he was a 16 year old turtle with a genetic abnormality. He then proceeded to run around with a pair of nun-chucks searching for something apparently round and covered in cheese.
Fuji was... well, Houji wasn't sure, exactly. He guessed that it took so long for the food to get from Fuji's mouth to his stomach, that he'd find out what would happen to him in about a week and a half. Best have Fuji somewhere very far away by then. In the meantime, he had Fuji's... "puppeteer" locked in a cage, thinking his name was "Gizmo" and could he please have a bath.
"The smile... it makes us mad, my preciou"POP
"Aww. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again."
With that, Soujirou finally wandered off somewhere else.
Kamatari was worrying. He was now acting all butch and speaking with what seemed to be an Austrian accent, saying "I'll return presently" or "It is not a problem at all" and something else about "Easter", whatever that meant.
Houji sighed and wished that Shishio-sama hadn't employed so many people. Listing them and their present conditions was taking a while.
His thoughts turned to Usui. He had started to do an interpretive dance on what Houji could only assume were the horrors of massive diarrhoea. He really didn't want to think about it any more than he had to. Usui had been... vivid.
As for Yumi, well... she'd started burping. A lot. And once or twice, he thought he saw... flames... coming out of her mouth. Apart from that, she just sat quietly and smiled. Soujirou had nothing on that woman.
"IS THAT MY COW? IT GOES, 'HRUUUGH!' IT IS A HIPPOPOTAMUS! THAT'S NOT MY COW!"
Apparently, Soujirou had run out of nursery rhymes.
But Shishio-sama... Houji shuddered. He had been making all these strange demands like the taxidermied squirrel, and the Hello Kitty posters, and the live kittens. And then he'd started having a tea party for the kittens.
Houji had to do something.
Steeling himself, he made his way into the nearby forest to look for a clue as to what had happened. He walked and walked and walked, followed by a quick rest, then more walking.
Just when he thought he was about to stumble into the Forbidden City, he found it. A clearing covered entirely with mushroom stalks, their caps removed. Frantically, he searched the field for any remaining caps to identify what the hell Chou had fed his friends.
Finally, he found it. It was a white cap with red spots... oh no. He carefully lifted it up, and looked under the cap. And there, leering back at him was a tiny smiley face.
A power-up mushroom.
Turning it over, he realised that it was too early in the season to pick them; they'd been planning to find some in a week's time to feed to that scrawny kid Kenkaku and maybe put some meat on his bones.
But under-ripe power-up mushrooms were dangerous. If you ate too many, you'd start acting weird, and then three days later... aww crap.
He turned back to face the compound. He sighed. He would KILL Chou when he got back.
Houji stood under the now 50-foot high Soujirou. He seemed to be swaying a bit.
"Soujirou is falling down," he boomed. "Falling down, falling down."
Houji really should have listened to him. He barely got out of the way as several hundred tons of Tenken crashed into the ground, destroying the building behind him.
"Soujirou has fallen down... oww, my face hurts."
Well, at least he wouldn't be a problem for a little while. Houji made his way inside. He carefully avoided the dark room where he knew Hanya would be hiding. Plus, the high pitch screeching and low murmurs of "must feed" were an excellent deterrent. He had to get to Shishio-sama and make sure he was... well, alright. Obviously, he wasn't going to be alright, but he was thinking relative to what could potentially happen.
He managed to sneak his way past the others before he found Yumi sitting in the room just before Shishio-sama's. She smiled. Houji smiled back. Yumi's hair had gone bright red, and she seemed to have grown a big, bushy red moustache. She was also wearing white overalls. Yumi's stomach rumbled.
Then, she let out a short, pert burp. And a little bouncing fireball. And a short "boip" noise. The fireball bounced past Houji and set the wall on fire. Yumi smiled again.
Then she started the longest and (admittedly) most impressive chain-burping session he could remember bearing witness to. The fireballs cascaded from her mouth, filling the room with incandescent, badly pixellated fire. Houji ducked behind the quickly burning walls, trying to think of something to do.
Then Anji walked passed humming something annoyingly repetitive about "turtle power." Houji was struck with an idea. It hurt, but he didn't let that stop him.
Grabbing Anji, he flipped him on to his back. Anji looked around for a moment, then began panicking as a turtle is want to do. Everyone knows that turtles can't flip themselves over. Houji briefly apologised to Anji before pushing him into the doorway, and giving him a good solid kick.
Shrinking up into his shell, Anji spun forward into the inferno, his shell protecting him from the flames. He careened across the floor and straight into Yumi. Time seemed to stand still for a moment as Yumi blinked back and forth between her current appearance and her usual one, before finally turning back to normal with a loud "durr-durr-DURR." Anji just kept going and blasted out through the wall into the busy courtyard, punctuated by a series of loud "bop!" sounds.
Throwing a quick apology to Yumi, Houji ran to and threw open the doors to Shishio-sama's room.
Shishio-sama was not alright. He was currently dressed in one of Yumi's best kimono, had put on make up (rather well, actually), along with one of those big geisha wigs. The kittens mulled around him like a living carpet. Glitter seemed to shine off every part of his clothing.
And he was singing.
"I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor.
Houji sobbed and sank to his knees.
"Hey, what the hell's going on?!" It was Chou. KILL CHOU!
In a blind fury, Houji raced back outside and picked Chou up by his jacket. "So you've come back, eh? LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO SHISHIO-SAMAAAAA!" he screamed.
"What are you talking about? I've been gone the last week! Remember, you're the one who sent me off!"
So he had. Houji set him down, his mind racing. If Chou wasn't responsible for this, then who was?
The cigarette butt hit the ground before being crushed beneath a pair of spotless shoes.
Saito pushed himself away from the dojo, planning to come back in his medicine-seller disguise. He'd only just managed to track down that slippery red-head, which had put him behind schedule somewhat. Thankfully, he'd found that field of mushrooms outside Shishio's hideout. He could only hope that whatever they did had bought him enough time to set his plans in motion.
But he had to hurry. After all, how bad could a few mushrooms be?
Remember back when Sirius was writing Out of Time, and I made the mistake of writing a reviewfic? And then Sirius made me upload it?
Yeah. It, uh... kinda happened again.
There's an interesting (very) short first chapter for a story called "Wanderings" on Sirius' page. After reading it, I was stuck for what to comment on. So, instead of intelligent discourse, I decided to poke fun at it.
Then Sirius wanted me to expand it, so I foolishly did so in a vain attempt to placate her, and then she went all fangirl on me and bugged me to post it and now we're here.
Before anyone so much as considers the possibility of thinking about it: no, I am not writing more of this. Not this specific one, anyway. One-shot. That's all she wrote. Well, ok; I'm not a she, but you get the idea. First person to ask for more will get a bowl of cold porridge upended on them and a loud cry of "More?!"
However, as part of her cajoling and begging me to put this up, Sirius promised to update one of her stories (of my choosing) within one week of posting this. So here's your answer, Sirius:
Amethyst and Amber.
It was such an interesting start, and incidentally it's now been as long between the first and second chapters as it has been since the second one and now. I guess that means it's due for an update. However, if you can't work out what to do for it (and I would never make you rush and upload something you weren't happy with,) I'll be content with a new Kenshin one-shot, which will coincidentally bring your story authored count to 100.
Ok, hop to it. :)
The rest of you can expect something from me before next week; I'll be updating an old story I swore I never would... stupid inspiration.
7th May, 2007