Title:Quoth Itachi: "What Akatsuki Lacks is a Vacation Package"
Author: Erisabesu
Pairing(s): Well... Itachi and Kisame are the main players. ♥
Warning(s): Crack, italics abuse, potential amphibious squickings.
Genre(s): Comedy. (Romance???)
Rating: T, for implied sexual situations, Yaoi.
Author's note: This isn't really supposed to make a lot of sense. Dedicated to the awesome friend who broke my brain with the idea when I was fragile, LOL. Please enjoy!

Quoth Itachi: "What Akatsuki Lacks is a Vacation Package"


If there was one thing Itachi knew, it was that the onsen had better be clean and empty when he got there.

He pulled his high-necked robe tighter, a thick towel draped over one arm as he made his silent way down the corridor around the back of the Inn. There was hardly anyone around—the Inn was one of those seedy, questionable places Kakuzu (may he rest in peace) had established as a hideout for Akatsuki members long ago—and Itachi wanted nothing more than some quiet time alone. After being on the run for the last month, all he really wanted was a safe place where he could rest his aching pupils without having to listen to Kisame's incessant banter. Silence and darkness would be quite the luxury in these otherwise cheap surroundings.

Itachi was less than five steps away from the onsen when he first heard noises. He paused. Was that giggling? Whatever it was died down again, and Itachi clenched his teeth and continued forward. From the echo, the noises had to have come from just ahead.

Couldn't be the manager, Itachi thought. He'd passed the man at the front desk on his way back from the tea shop. Couldn't be the Inn's housekeeper, either. The stooped old woman was a deaf-mute. That left… Kisame?

He shook off the thought. Kisame was out checking the perimeter, and wouldn't be back until later that afternoon when it was time to switch. Itachi paused a second time when he reached the doorway, lips pressing into a tight line of disapproval at the now-obvious sounds of open-mouthed kisses, appreciative moans, and splishing water. How tacky. Additionally, both voices were coming from the male side of the hot springs.

Someone's about to die, Itachi vowed, wavering between the annoyance of having to clear local riffraff out of the Inn's private onsen, and disgust that the place had been sullied by sweat and hormones (and perhaps other fluids, which shall remain nameless) before he'd been able to sooth his tired muscles.

Slowly, deliberately, Itachi reached out his hand to part the fabric curtain. And then he halted, the shock of the onsen's occupants widening his eyes. Although the rest of his face remained calm, the sight before him did nothing for his migraine, or his mood; Itachi could hardly believe what he was seeing.

Words failed him, until the thought of seeing anything more became too much to bear, and he managed to utter an astonished:


Kisame disengaged from a passionate kiss and turned around to re-settle his body within a circle of thick arms. "Ah! Itachi-san!" He was leaning back against the largest frog Itachi had ever seen. Itachi cringed at the clashing colors of skin, watching tomato-orange webbed hands slide possessively over Kisame's blue chest.

"Yo!" the frog waved a salute, nuzzling into Kisame's neck. "Long time no see, bro. How's it hangin'?" The look in his round, yellow eyes, however, was challenging.

Itachi opened his mouth, and then closed it. He reached for the collar of his robe, holding it tight. "I beg your pardon?"

Kisame grinned, "Well, well! We've been expecting you!"

Itachi frowned, wishing that Kisame's hands weren't hiding below the water's surface, although thankful that the rest of him was. There was also something in the way the two were looking at him that he must be misinterpreting… Itachi squared his shoulders. He wasn't even going to ask how this situation had happened. It was time to make a dignified exit.

"I see that you're busy, Kisame. Excuse me."

"Wait, Itachi-san," Kisame chuckled. He dropped his chin in a sensual leer. "Don't be so hasty." Itachi turned on his heel and folded the door-hanging out of the way, ignoring him.

"Heh," the frog sneered. "Guess Princess doesn't want his present…"

Itachi stiffened. He glared at both men over his shoulder, annoyed, disgusted, and now furious. If they expected him to join in, they were sorely mistaken; he didn't tolerate shamelessness of that sort. And furthermore, the person he truly wanted certainly wasn't an amphibian!

"I think I've made it clear that I'm leaving."

"Without this?" the frog held a room key in the air, jangling it against a metal tag with the Inn's crest.

"Well, well, well…" Kisame licked his sharp teeth dramatically, and then jerked his chin at the frog's raised hand. "Gamakichi-chan, what do you have there?"

Itachi watched all this without amusement, folding his arms. He sniffed. "I have my own key."

"Not to this room," Gamakichi chucked the key across the onsen. Itachi caught it easily, left-handed. He glanced down at the number; it was the room next to his. He frowned.

"So ungrateful, after all we went through," Gamakichi muttered, sinking lower into the water. Kisame moved his legs to sit fully in the frog's lap, smirking at Itachi all the while.

"Enjoy, Itachi-san. We brought him just for you."

Him? Itachi frowned harder. Kisame snickered and Gamakichi chuckled along with him, leaning close to flick a sticky pink tongue over Kisame's jaw—on the far side of his neck.

"We won't bother you, as long as you don't bother us…" Gamakichi pulled Kisame against his body. Kisame winked at Itachi, and then turned his attention to his bathing partner.

"Ne, Gamakichi-chan," Kisame wrapped his arms around the frog's neck. "You know what I'm really, really good at?"

Gamakichi waggled his purple eyebrows, his cheeks becoming impossibly redder. He dropped his voice, "Breathing underwater?"

"Heh," Kisame kissed his neck, working his way downward. "You read my mind…"

Itachi turned and fled the onsen.


The inn's halls were a blur all the way back to the room; Itachi didn't pause once in the effort to keep any further sounds and/or dialogue from penetrating his mental shields. Once he'd taken a deep breath to steel his nerves, Itachi looked down at the key clutched tightly in his hand, and then to the left at the door of the corresponding room. Him who? he wondered.

Surely there couldn't be two man-sized frogs with perverted intentions?

Kisame wouldn't do that to him… would he?

Oh God.

Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose, and then moved to stand in front of the neighboring door, the one with the so-called "present" inside it. He was getting very, very tired of cleaning up his partner's messes. Itachi pressed his ear to the wood and heard soft, puzzling sounds. Sounds he had trouble deciphering. After a moment he straightened, and then sighed; the key slid into the lock and turned without resistance.

Kisame. If there's a frog in there, I'm going to have to kill you.

Itachi opened the door, scanning the dark room and honing in on a human form writhing on the bed. Itachi flicked on the light switch, and promptly dropped his towel on the floor—

"Kisame…" he whispered, stunned.

It was not what he was expecting.

It was a thousand times better.

How had Kisame known? No, better not to ask questions. And yet, something still wasn't quite right… Vibrant blue eyes caught his and narrowed. Itachi gently closed the door and locked it behind him, stepping over the towel and approaching the bed. Naruto—my God he's grown even stronger—struggled against the yards of thick rope he'd been bound with. His mouth was sealed with tape, but his eyes spoke well enough for him. Itachi smirked.

"Uzumaki Naruto. It's been a while." Itachi ghosted a hand over the spiky black wig covering Naruto's blond hair. His eyes dropped down to identify the details of a French Maid outfit underneath all the rope. Itachi frowned. "What have they done to you?"

Naruto bucked and wriggled on the bed, wordless shouting caught behind the layers of tape. Itachi held him still with one hand, and ripped the tape off with the other, flinching at Naruto's pained outburst.

"Yeeeeeaaaargggh!" Naruto panted from the sting, struggling to free his arms. He rolled his eyes in exasperation, "A little help here? Hello?"

Itachi blinked, watching Naruto squirm on the bed. I suppose he's not that dangerous, he reasoned, untying the knots along Naruto's side. Naruto pulled his arms free.

"Aaaah! Finally," Naruto sighed, grinning. He reached to his legs and ripped through the first layer of rope, then wriggled out of the rest. He smoothed his miniskirt with brusque, manly hands; the lace and silk only made him that much more masculine. Itachi cocked his head, amused.

"Why the wig?" he asked. Naruto thrust his hands up to feel it on his head, as if he'd forgotten it was there, and then his face twisted in a scowl.

"Tch!" Naruto got to his knees, balancing on the rather lumpy mattress. "They told me you used to dress Sasuke up like this and have your way with him!" He pointed, punctuating his accusation.

Itachi's jaw unhinged, painted nails touching his cheek in shock. "I beg your pardon?"

Naruto bared his teeth, digging a thumb into his flat chest. "And I'm not letting that bastard beat me at anything!"

Itachi could hardly react when Naruto shoved him down on the bed and straddled his hips with stocking-ed thighs, garters and all. "I'll show you who's better!" Naruto grabbed the collar of Itachi's robe and kissed him full on the mouth. Itachi lay there, too stupefied to respond beyond parting his lips to accept Naruto's fevered kisses. After a moment, Naruto abruptly pulled back and peered down at him.

Heart palpitating in his chest, Itachi gazed up, watching Naruto's brows crease in his forehead and something self-conscious flicker across his features. "What… no good?"

He must be joking! Doesn't he know how long I've been obsessed with him?

Under normal circumstances Itachi had no problem reading people and anticipating their actions; today was an obvious exception. Thus when Naruto tore the wig from his head and threw it across the room, Itachi was once again perplexed.

"Oh, fuck it," Naruto slumped. "I should've known it wouldn't work." He ran a hand through his messy hair, and then looked down at Itachi once more. "Maybe… you'd like it better if I did this?"


Itachi's eyes widened as Naruto henge'd into the spitting image of his brother, right down to the pouting scowl. Grabbing him by the collar, however, was NOT like little Sasuke one bit, and Itachi thrust a hand up to protect himself as Naruto launched another lip-lock attack. He made it just in time—Naruto's (Sasuke's) mouth landed on his palm with a wet smack.

"What the… Hey!" Naruto shouted. The henge dispelled, and Itachi found himself face-to-face with a very disgruntled, frustrated, and seething Uzumaki Naruto. Itachi's heart skipped a beat. And then finally, he moved.

Before Naruto could voice another protest, Itachi sealed their lips together. He flipped them over and kissed Naruto back with everything he had, until they were both flushed and gasping.

"Nggnh… uh… whoa…" Naruto mumbled through his aroused haze. Itachi braced himself on his elbow. He lifted a hand to the back of his head, and pulled off his hair tie in one long, sweeping motion. Naruto watched his hair fall loose with lust-filled eyes, and Itachi chuckled while he traced Naruto's lower lip with his thumb.

"Your kiss is nothing like Sasuke's," Itachi murmured. Naruto flushed a deeper crimson, eyes flashing in renewed confidence. Naruto placed his hand on Itachi's chest and pushed; Itachi allowed it, settling back while Naruto reached for the belt on his terrycloth robe.

Naruto swallowed, "But you know what I'm really, really good at?"

Itachi flashed involuntarily to Kisame and Gamakichi. "…Breathing underwater?"

"Huh?" Naruto paused, his hand very close to Itachi's groin.

Itachi froze. What did I just say?! But Naruto was watching him so expectantly, Itachi couldn't help but flush scarlet remembering what he knew Naruto could do so very, very well. Hadn't Naruto proved it was his most prominent characteristic on every encounter?

"Er…" Itachi licked his lips, "…Moving your mouth?"

"Heh," Naruto's face broke into a huge grin, his blunt nails stroking Itachi's belly underneath the robe. "You read my mind…"

Itachi closed his eyes and sighed in bliss, while Naruto proceeded to demonstrate just how superior to Sasuke he really was.

One thing was for sure--Itachi would never be using that onsen again, not while they were hiding in this Inn. Considering Naruto's characteristic enthusiasm, he might not ever need to. The stress-relieving possibilities had just become infinite.

Kisame, you are a genius, Itachi thought, lying in the dark next to a sleeping Naruto, sated and boneless from helping the young man prove himself over and over again.

Now if I only had your stamina...

the end. ♥