Title: Pretending (1/1)

Author: Tali

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate, Atlantis, anyone or anything you might recognize.

Rating: PG - for mention of a slash relationship

WARNING: McShep slash.- angst

Summery: First person POV, John then Rodney. Set in the some time future where Carter is in charge of things on Atlantis. AU I hope.

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Walking into the room I look around and wonder why its so empty. I hadn't realized how much crap came with Rodney McKay. I hadn't realized how much crap he'd put in my quarters. At least not until I'd seen it all gone. Half of my dresser top is cleared empty from various half completed projects, my desk has only one lap top on it now, my own. I haven't seen my laptop on my own desk in so long I almost forgot that was where it belonged.

I clench my jaw and move to the bathroom, even more shocked at the sudden vast emptiness in the tiny room. Shampoo missing from the stall. One tooth brush and I find only and my own tooth paste which sucks because I'd started to use his it tasted better. My cologne is back and hadn't seen that since I started sleeping with Rodney. Opening the cabinet I almost hope he'd forgotten something. His deodorant, his vat of sun screen, or maybe his sinus medicine. Something any sign that he was really here. That he wasn't a figment of my imagination. I strip and shower and try to pretend that this is for the best.

Climbing into my bed I try not to notice the cold harsh feel of the military issue sheets. Or how big the bed feels when there's only one person in it. I swallow and squeeze my eyes closed. I can feel the city opening up as Colonel Carter dials Earth. I should be down there but I can't be and I have been unofficially ordered to my quarters while Rodney is escorted off Atlantis. And its my career on the line so I do as I'm not quite told and stay in our bed alone pretending it doesn't bother me.

Pretending that it's ok that Rodney is this month's sacrificial lamb to the slaughter. Pretending that I don't know it should have been me. Pretending that I don't know that Carter gave McKay a choice, me and my career or returning to Earth disgraced. Pretending that Rodney didn't weigh the options and that Rodney doesn't know that when he's gone I'll be ok because I still have Atlantis. Pretending I don't know that if it had been me to go this time, Rodney wouldn't be hiding in his quarters. Pretending that he wouldn't be right beside me walking through the worm hole back to Earth. Pretending he'd never told me that with out me here Atlantis wouldn't be home to him any more. Pretending I'm not this big of a coward. Pretending that the last words I said to him were something beautiful or romantic or a little less honest.

"You deserve much better then me."

As I walk through the worm hole and arrive in the Gate Room at the SGC the words still ring in my ears. I look at Daniel Jackson plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend John never said those words.