Title: A Hawaiian Wedding is the Key to A Lifetime of Happiness
Disclaimer: I own neither Bleach or the song "Kiss the Girl".
Dedication: To all of my friends and to anyone who loves Ulquiorra/Orihime.
Characters/Pairings: Ulquiorra, Orihime, Ichigo, Rukia, Aizen, Shinji, Hiyori, Byakuya, Urahara, Yumichika, and others; Ichigo/Rukia, Ulquiorra/Orihime, Aizen/Hinamori
Summary: Ulquiorra and Orihime get married in Hawaii in a wonderful celebration. and Ulquiorra gets sand in his shoes.
Warnings: This is pure crack. And Ulquiorra calls everyone trash, except for Aizen-sama and his wife.
"All I'm saying is that I would totally make it look like an accident."
Rukia raised a fine eyebrow as she stirred the straw in her pink drink. "Really?"
Detecting the smallest hint of sarcasm in his beloved's voice, Ichigo looked away from the atrocious sight in front of him to glare at her. "What the hell's wrong with you?"
The petite woman shrugged. "Oh, I don't know… We're here on an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii to celebrate Orihime's wedding, and all you can think about is how to somehow kill the groom." She let out a long-suffering sigh. And after she bought this new sundress too…Ichigo hadn't even looked at it once, the bastard.
"It would look like an accident!" The buffoon protested.
Rukia snorted. "Right. Your sword through his chest will totally not point out that the murderer was you." She took a sip of her drink.
"I sense a lack of faith." Ichigo stated, his eyes narrowing, keeping his eyes focused on her face. Don't look past her chin. Don't look past her chin. Don't look past her chin. Don't follow the line of her jaw. Don't follow the line of her jaw. Focus on her eyes. Focus on the EYES!
That didn't even deserve a comment, so she just gave a dainty sniff and turned her head to stare at the happy couple. Orihime was now holding up a piece of cake to her new husband's mouth, smiling brightly. Her new husband looked confused and was refusing to open his mouth. Actually, that was a bit of a lie, he looked the same as he always did, his face expressionless. However, from the way that Orihime was currently chattering away, it was safe to assume that he was confused as hell.
"All you have to do is just open your mouth, and I feed you the cake."
"You'll feed me…"
Orihime beamed and nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, it'll be just like that time in Hueco Mundo, when you sat on my stomach and held my mouth open to shove down the food that the cooks had prepared for me so that I didn't faint later on. Except I'm not sitting on your stomach and this isn't stew. It wasn't very good stew either… You should bring this up at the next meeting you have with Aizen-sama that he should really hire better cooks. That stew could have used some leeks and whipped cream." She paused to take a breath.
"My feet feel uncomfortable." Ulquiorra stated in that one moment.
His young wife blinked before glancing down at Ulquiorra's feet that were still wearing the black socks and shoes that came with his uniform. In fact both bride and groom were still wearing the uniforms that had proclaimed their alliance to Hueco Mundo and Aizen. The only difference was that Orihime was now wearing a veil. ("I had such a hard time convincing Ulquiorra to let me add a veil to the ensemble." She had confided to her Maids of Honour – Tatsuki and Rukia. "Ulquiorra does so hate it when someone goes in and alters one of his creations. It's funny. He's like Uryu in that way..." Her eyes darted to Rukia here. "By the way Rukia, I couldn't help but notice the dress that you're wearing today... Isn't that the dress that Uryu lovely sewed you with his own two hands?" She let out a gasp here and clutched at her heart. "Oh Uryu doomed to suffer forever in unrequited love because Kurosaki-kun has again beaten him – only this time in the game of love." It was at this moment that Rukia decided to respond with an "Excuse me?").
She glanced down at his feet and frowned prettily. "It appears that you might have gotten sand in your socks."
Ulquiorra looked down at his feet. "Sand. In my socks."
Orihime nodded enthusiastically. "Yes. You might want to remove your shoes and socks. Oh, Ulquiorra." She tossed the piece of cake over her shoulder, where it hit Tousen in the back. Orihime grasped his hand. "The sand feels so wonderful on your toes. You have to experience it for yourself!"
Ulquiorra looked up at her. "Those are part of the uniform. If I take them off then I am no longer wearing the uniform. Therefore I will not take them off." He pointed at her own feet that were covered by her dress. "You haven't taken your shoes off."
His wife turned a bit pale here. "Um. Grimmjow took his shoes and socks off."
"Grimmjow is trash."
"All of the Soul Reapers have taken off their shoes and they're even dressed in shorts and sundresses, and it is rather hot out here in Hawaii…"
"The Soul Reapers are trash."
"Aizen-sama took off his shoes and he's wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt."
Ulquiorra's eye slid over to glance to the side where Aizen was currently located. He was indeed dressed in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. And he wore no shoes. He also appeared to be chatting up a young Soul Reaper girl. ("Of course, I didn't mean to gut you Hinamori, I was simply being controlled by Captain Ichimaru. Unfortunately, nobody will believe me. Do you believe me Hinamori? Good. Now I need you to do something for me. Good. Now I need you to report to me everything that happens in Soul Society from now on. Just so that I can plan my next move against Captain Ichimaru, that's all. Do you think that you could do that for me, Hinamori? Good.")
"Aizen-sama is… different." His eye slid back over to look down at his wife.
Orihime blushed. "Um, well… Promise you won't be mad?"
Ulquiorra said nothing.
Orihime's blush deepened. She lifted up the hem of her dress. "I'm not wearing any shoes either." She wiggled her toes.
"Ah." Ulquiorra stared down at his wife's toes. "You took off your shoes and socks."
"...I made those shoes..."
Orihime suddenly frowned. Unlike before, it wasn't a charmingly pretty frown, but one that screamed that Ulquiorra was going to get his ass kicked if he didn't shut up about the shoes. She grabbed his collar. "Listen. This is my wedding day, a day that is important for any girl, and I am not going to let you or anyone else ruin it for me. Do you understand? Now take off the damn shoes."
"Do you want the socks as well?"
Orihime shook her husband by the shoulders. "The socks go without saying. Now take them off."
Rukia turned back to Ichigo. "Somehow I don't think that we have to worry all that much about Orihime. She seems to be handling the situation quite well."
Ichigo glanced over to where Orihime was now ordering Ulquiorra to kiss her. He let out a shudder as the Fourth Espada kissed the girl. "That's just freaky. Can't he close his eyes when he does that?"
Rukia looked confused for a moment. 'That?' she mouthed to herself before turning around to stare at the newly-weds. Her eyes softened when she saw them kissing. Orihime really was happy. Sure Rukia didn't generally approve of any of the Espada considering what she had been through, but if this one Espada was able to make her friend so happy then she was willing to make an exception.
She turned back to glance at Ichigo and noticed the boy was blushing furiously as he chugged down into his drink. Unable to resist, she said: "Are you still embarassed over the fact that your first kiss was with Tatsuki?"
She burst out laughing when Ichigo spat out his drink. "You swore you'd never speak of that!" He screamed. "And that doesn't count! It was Kon, not me, KON!"
"Is something troubling my most favourite person in the whole world?" A hand reached out of nowhere and drapped itself around Ichigo's shoulder.
Rukia watched amused as Ichigo turned several shades paler. She glanced at the smiling blond man behind him, and instantly recognized him as one of the Vizards who had saved them in Heuco Mundo.
"S - Shinji. What are you doing here?"
Shinji's grin stretched wider. "The funniest thing happened to me the other day, Ichigo. I was just walking along when all of a sudden eight tickets to Hawaii just happened to fall right into my hands. Naturally, I attempt to discover the owners, being the good citizen that I am, but -" Shinji was unfortunately interrupted by a flying shoe.
"BUTTON IT, YOU MORON!" Hiyori looked furious as she stomped on Shinji's face. "You went and bought those tickets with my money, you bloody thief."
"But Hiyori," Shinji pleaded. "You took that money from that old man after he touched your shoulder."
Hiyori sniffed. "He was a perv."
"He was asking for directions."
"He was still a perv."
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS HERE?!" Ichigo bellowed at this point. "YOU PROMISED TO STOP FOLLOWING ME AROUND ALL THE TIME!"
Shinji frowned. "This he says to the person who saved his life." Tears sprang up in his eyes. "Oh Ichigo! You're so cruel to your bestest best friend in the world!" He sprang forward and wrapped his arms around Rukia. "Why Ichigo? Why? I thought you liked me!"
Ichigo's eyebrow twitched. "I'm over here, you bastard."
Shinji paused and looked back at the fuming male. "I know that. I'm not an idiot. I would just rather hug your pretty friend then you, oh treacherous best friend of mine." His arms tightened around Rukia.
Ichigo was just about ready to pull out the mask and give Shinji the ass-kicking of his life, saviour of his life or no, when he felt a rather powerful Spiritual energy spike up behind him. He didn't have to look behind to know that Byakuya had noticed that his little sister was recieving unwanted attention, and that Byakuya did not like to see boys molesting his precious sister.
"I believe that you are bothering my sister."
Shinji looked up at the other man. "Well, you are entitled to your opinion. My own opinion is that I am not bothering your sister. But hey. We are all free to believe what we want to believe, or so goes the theory."
"Get your hands off my sister before I take them off." Byakuya's hand was on his sword.
Shinji whistled. "Somebody's touchy. Great future in-law you got there, Ichigo. Can't say I envy you." He lifted his arms off a confused Rukia.
"Ichigo? What does he mean?"
Ichigo was now representing a tomato. "Ha. Ha. I couldn't possibly know what this idiot means. Ha. Ha." He grabbed Shinji in a head-lock. "Oh, look, best friend. A buffet. You must be straved. And look! There is food to feed you. Ha. Ha." He ran off dragging Shinji behind him, with Hiyori strolling along behind them.
Byakuya frowned. "That imp worries me at times." He turned to Rukia. "Come. The bride and groom are about to dance. It is of the utmost importance that we witness this occasion."
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!" Ichigo slammed Shinji onto the buffet table. His eyes were already starting to turn yellow. "YOU TOUCH HER AGAIN AND YOUR HEAD'S MINE."
"Oh Ichigo. You're so cruel." Shinji whined. "And you appear to have lost control of your Hollow again and you know what that means! More BEST FRIEND BONDING!"
"No! No more bonding! I told you creeps to stop following me around! NOW GO AWAY!"
Hiyori sniffed. "What makes you think that we're here to see you?"
Ichigo paused. "Who else would you be here to see?"
"For your information, we came here to visit our old Captain. We had no idea that you would be here." Answered Shinji.
Ichigo growled. "You're a filthy liar."
Shinji laughed and tried to hug Ichigo. "Only a TRUE best friend would be so honest!"
"GET OFF OF ME!"
"Ah, Kurosaki-kun." A fan snapped open. "You've decided to grace us with your presence, for which we are most grateful, and -" Urahara raised his hat. "Shinji? Shinji Hirako?"
There was a pause. And then:
Urahara and Shinji clung to each other. Ichigo started backing away.
"Vice-Captain! You got my invitation!"
"Captain! I did."
"Is the rest of the old research team here?"
"Of course. As if any of us could ever say no to you. We flew to your side as soon as we opened the mail this morning!"
"Oh Vice-Captain. You're such a flatterer."
"Oh Captain, I only learned from the best."
Ichigo ran. If that wasn't the most distrubing thing in the world, he didn't know what was. He was proven wrong a few minutes later when he came across Ishida with his arms around two beautiful women - one a shinigami and one a former Espada. ("I do so love a man who sews," purred Circiri, as she ran her hand across the Quincy crest on his uniform. "You have such a wonderful shot, Sir Quincy." Nemu murmured as she clung to his shooting arm).
Ulquiorra and Orihime now appeared to be dancing. If one could call it dancing. Ulquiorra stood there and Orihime twirled around him, her long hair hitting him in the face several times. There was a slight moment of trouble when her hair got caught on his mask, but luckily, her fairies had managed to solve the problem in a few seconds.
As Ichigo made his way over to where Rukia and Byakuya stood, he passed by several Soul Reapers and Arrancar who were now mingling together. Who would have known that a wedding would have called a temporary truce? He spotted Gin Ichimaru dancing with Rangiku Matsumoto (so that's why they called it dirty dancing), and he passed Yachiru and Nell, who were currently sitting on top of Captain Hitsugaya ("I've decided to marry him." Yachiru confided to Nell. "He always gives me candy." Nell clapped her hands. "He totally wants you." "THOSE WERE FROM CAPTAIN UKITATE, DAMMIT!")
Ichigo turned around when he heard Yumichika's voice. "What?"
Yumichika smiled and flipped his hair. "Ask Rukia to dance. We especially picked the next song for you."
"Look, you can either dance with her or fight Kenpachi. Your choice."
"I'd rather fight Kenpachi."
"I noticed that Renji has been eyeing Rukia all day. And she looks so beautiful too with that sundress. Real easy to slip off, you know."
"I'll dance with her."
"Of course you will."
There you see her, sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her
And you're dying to try and you don't know why but you wanna
KISS THE GIRL - OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"I hate you bastards."
"We love you too. Now DANCE!" And with that, Ichigo was thrown onto the dance floor, where he almost collided with Rukia, who was now holding the wedding bouquet.
"Oh. Um. Rukia. Um."
"Ichigo." Rukia grabbed his hand. "I love this song. You are going to dance with me to this song. And you are not going to complain."
And so he did, wrapping his arms around her small waist. And he figured as they danced that maybe this crazy wedding hadn't been that crazy at all. Of course, that has only his opinion.