Hey everyone! I'm sorry this took so long, but here is another chapter of Gate Notes! I know you are all excited, and I hope you will let me now how excited in a review! Standard disclaimer applies. Enjoy!
Jack: So, we don't know where we are?
Teal'c: O'Neill, that is incorrect. We are on a transport ship of some kind.
Kaylee: She's not just a transport ship. Serenity's the best ship in the 'verse.
Teal'c: You see, O'Neill. We are on the Serenity.
Jack: Thank you, Teal'c, but you know what I meant.
Jack stands up and looks at the rest of the SGers. Rodney's rolling up the Twister mat while doing a happy victory dance. Yes, it is as scary as it sounds. Carson has somehow found bagpipes and is playing them quietly. Actually, can you play bagpipes quietly? Huh. Anyway... Carter, John, and Daniel are apparently really bored, as they are doing the Macarena.
Carter, John, and Daniel: Hey, Macarena!
Teal'c is trying to figure out how one does the Macarena and what its significance is. Jack sighs audibly.
Jack: Look. Let's go out and see if there's a Stargate anywhere. C'mon. Pack it up.
Rodney and Carson grumble, but comply. John, Daniel, and Carter, however, are still Macarena-ing. Teal'c has figured out the dance and joins them.
John, DJ, Carter, and Teal'c: Hey, Macarena!
Rodney: Why are we the only ones working?
Carson shrugs. Jack goes over to the mini-boom box and switches it off.
John: Right in the middle of my dance moves!
Jack: Now we're going out to the surface. There will be no lollygagging, no dancing, no singing, and no horseplay.
Rodney: Hee hee, you said lollygagging.
DJ has not really been paying attention. Instead, he's been turning around and humming "Macarena."
Jack: What did I say about singing?
DJ: I'm not singing, I'm humming.
Jack: Daniel, what did I say about trying my patience?
DJ: To not to.
Jack: Thank you. Now grab your gun and follow me.
Carter: Um, sir? Telling him to get his gun may not be the best idea right now.
Jack: Right...Uh, Daniel, no hard feelings, right?
DJ cocks his gun.
DJ: Of course not.
Jack turns to Mal and gestures to the doors.
Jack: Can you let us out?
Mal nods and pushes one of the buttons on the console next to the doors. The only sound is the doors opening.
Jack: There's no hard feelings here, right?
Mal: I was just lookin' out for me and mine. I'd expect you'd do the same.
Jack nods and heads out the doors with the team following him. They keep going for quite a while. The terrain is rocky and it gave an aura of foreboding. They reached a flat, round clearing in the rocks where two groups of people stood. They heard snippets of conversation. Rodney came to the front to see what the hold up was.
Rodney: What's going…Oh. My. God. It's Kirk and Picard.
Jack: Is that who that is.
Rodney is speechless. He just nods.
They listen in on the Starship Captain's conversations.
Picard: Hopefully, I can have this finished soon and we'll be able to get out of here.
Data: Captain, you misused 'hopefully'. Do not be alarmed, it's a very common mistake. You should say 'I am hopeful that I can have this finished soon'. By saying hopefully, you are saying: 'Full of hope, I can have this finished soon'. It does not make sense.
Picard: Uh, thank you Mr. Data.
On the other side of the circle, Kirk and his crew are prepping.
Spock: I'm not sure how logical this is, Captain. This is usually a Vulcan undertaking.
Kirk: I'm sorry…I… can't hear you…over…the sound of…how awesome…I am.
Spock: Are you sure that you are all right to do this, captain? Especially after what happened this morning?
Cue Lost flashback music:
Jim: Spawk, whatare wegoing to donow?
Spock: That is highly illogical, Captain.
Jim: Are you challengingmeto adeath match, Spawk?
Jim: How do youspell it then?
Jim: You can rear 100,000children, but you can'teventellpeople yourreal name.
Spock raises an eyebrow
Spock: 100,000 children, Captain? That is highly illogical.
Jim: But,isn't thatwhatthe nameof yourbook iscalled? Or maybeit was fromyour times at the academy.
Spock: Captain, are you…intoxicated?
Jim looks puzzled at Spock, like "Huh?"
Jim: I'll pretendthatyoudidn't just saya really longwordthat I think you've called me before.
Spock: I'm sorry, Captain. Are you…drunk?
Jim: Are youaccusing your señor officer (pushes out his chest trying to be macho) ofusingtribbles when I ran outof beer? Because I willhave you know (pokes with pointer finger on Spock's chest like the drunk captain he is.) that I findthatveryattractive. (Capt. Kirk passes out into Spock's Vulcanly calm self.)
Spock: This is highly illogical.
Spock tries to stand Jim back up and Jim does the whole timber fall to the ground. Spock doesn't show much emotion in his face but you can tell he's saying "I don't know why I even tried that." He picks up one of Jim's feet and starts to drag him to the infirmary.A few people stare at him wondering what happened.
Bones: What happened?!
Spock: I'm sure everyone's wondering that.
Bones takes Jim's vitals. When Bones gets to taking Jim's pulse, something is different. The heartbeat sounds like 'Jingle Bells.'
Kirk suddenly sits up.
Kirk lays back down, unconscious.
Spock: Such outbursts of emotion would never be tolerated on Vulcan. Such activities are illogical.
Bones restraines the unconscious Jim.
Bones: I'm just doing it for safe measure, Spock. There's nothing to worry about.
Spock raises his eyebrow.
Bones: I'm just gonna do a full body scan to find out what made him do that whole "I live!" thing.
Bones finishes his scan. He is now looking at the results.
Bones: No…this can't be right. I can't say that it hasn't happened before.
Bones: According to this scan his health insurance is down!
Spock: he should have switched to Aflack. Any other choice would have been illogical.
Endangered duck in cargo bay being transported to a planetary reserve breaks out of his cage and makes it to the infirmary and none of the crew members seem to notice. Once there…
The sliding door closes on him, stopping him from finishing.
Spock: This is serious. I must go meditate.
He walks off and Checov runs in
Checov: Keptin! Keptin!
Probably Expendable Crewmember: You idiot! He can't hear you. He's dead!
Bones: He's not quite dead yet.
PEC: Look at 'im. He's not even movin'
Bones: He's getting' betta'.
PEC: Well, he'll be dead in a day or two. Maybe you could put him on the cart and drive him around a bit.
Bones: You're just jealous because you're not the one in danger.
PEC: Ah!! The white rab…wait a minute. You're a goose.
Duck: Afla. (shakes his head no)
PEC: It doesn't matter. No animals are allowed in here.
He pulls a phaser on duck. Duck leaps at the Expendable Crewmember's jugular. PEC drops dead on the floor. Checov pulls a phaser on the Duck and fires.
His words fade off as his body vaporizes.
Kirk: Ooo. Shiny sparkly.
Bones: How long have you been there?
Kirk: I gotherejust in timeto seethat guyI'venever seenbefore get kilt.
Scottie: Did someone say kilt?
Spock bursts into the room.
Spock: Stop that! Stop that right now! It started out as a nice story about a spaceship captain being drunk. But now this is just silly. So stop being silly!
Kirk: Wow,I didn'tknow you actuallyshowed emotion.
Spock: Well, today is special.
Spock: It's my birthday.
Kirk: Today? Stardate: 3.452398702183…
Kirk: Let's celebrate! Whereis the beer?
Spock: You drank it all, sir.
Kirk: Oh, yeah. Where are the Tribbles?
Spock: I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Captain.
Kirk: Sure it is. They're cute 'n' cuddly, fuzzy, and they taste like beer. Even when they're deep fried, they taste like beer.
Spock raises an eyebrow.
Kirk: They taste like beer when you grill 'em too. You don't even have to marinade them. They make a funny screeching noise when they're cooked.
Spock maybe we should take the party up to the holodeck.
(I think they only had a holodeck in the Next Generation, Voyager, and DS9)
Random Crewman (in the distance): We don't have a holodeck, you twit!
Spock Vulcan neck pinches the RCM.
Another RCM (that was standing next to the other one): What th' hell man! You can't just go around neck pinchin' people. It's just not right.
Spock neck pinches him too.
Kirk: Spock,you just can'tgo aroundneck pinchingpeople.
Spock: I am not Spock.
Spock turns into a Klingon.
Kirk: OhmyGod! Youare a…wait don't tell me. It's that thing…and it starts with a 'K', I think.
Klingon: Maghklah Tahree is the name.
Makin' rhymes is my game.
I'm the Klingon exchange student
Who's hittin' you up for some rent.
And since my name is so hard to say,
You can call me Bob just for today.
Kirk: Hittin' me up for some rent?
Bob: You know what I mean,
so give me some green.
Kirk: But we don't have any cash on this ship.
Bob: What currency, valuables, or trinkets you've got
I'll take them all to buy a robot.
Kirk: A robot? That was always Spock's dream to havea robot.
He changes into Spock.
Kirk: This wholebirthdayemotion given byyou of allpeopleisa littleweird to me.
RCM: We don't have cable you twit!
Spock is like 'I thought I took care of you.'
Kirk: Wehavethe besttechnologyin the galaxybut we don't have cable?! (He looks like he's about to cry) Scottie! Get uscable!
Scottie: I canna break the laws of physics!
Kirk: I don't care about the laws of physics! Get mecable!
Scottie: I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Captain!
Kirk rolls up into fetal position sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth.
Bones: Alright, you all know the drill. I'll give 'em a sedative. Spock, try that mind blending thing. And, Scottie…
Bones: Make sure the shields are working 'cause you know we're gonna need 'em later. And see what you can do about the cable.
(Ha ha sedagive. Yeah, okay I'm done)
Kirk: Ah! Rotating Pineapples!!
Bones: Sedative, now! He's losing it!
Kirk: Ah! Tap-dancing coconuts!
Kirk: Ah! the Smurfs (is it Smurfs or Smurves?) are closing in! They're evil, I tell you! EVIL!!!!
Small blue people from Kantari 4 walk by. Kirk gives out a big scream, which hastens the small blue people in white clothes.
Kirk: I'll be…fine,…Spock. You're just jealous that you can't fight this time.
The two starship captains face off.
Picard: Do we really have to do this? I mean, we can see who the better captain is. It's me.
Kirk: As if. You're supposed to be French, but you talk like a Brit. Something's wrong there.
Picard: So? You never do anything captain-y.
Kirk: What does that have to do with anything?
Picard: We're fighting over who was the best Star Trek captain.
Rodney: Then shouldn't Janeway, Sisko, and that guy from Enterprise be here?
He looks around excitedly.
Kirk: Who's that?
Picard: No idea.
Kirk: To the death?
Picard: Sounds good.
The Death Match music starts and they begin to attack each other.
Teal'c: What are they doing?
Jack: Uh, they're playing tag, with very sharp looking scythes on the end of sticks.
Teal'c: That does not seem logical, O'Neill.
Spock: That's what I said!
As the battle rages on, Picard makes a cut on Kirk's chest, making his shirt shred and causing him to bleed.
Kirk: (in a low snarl) Ooo, that hurt. Is this blood? Nobody makes me bleed…my own...blood! Nobody!
Data: That is not correct. Captain Picard just…
Picard: Data, toddle off!
Data: Toddling, sir.
Kirk lunges and the fight continues. The SG team can only watch the match from the crowd of ensigns in horror or excitement. Maybe more excitement, but Rodney is going crazy over the match.
Rodney: Yah! Go Luke! I mean, go Kirk! I mean, I, I, I can't bear to watch.
Jack: Everyone knows that these sort of fights are rigged.
Carter: I wouldn't be so sure, sir. It looks like they're really going at it.
DJ: Hey, the guy with the bad hair cut just got cut by the old geezer.
(Ha ha. Geezer. Ha! OK. I'm done.) Suddenly, the death match music ends, changing to the Mary Poppins' tap dancing penguins soundtrack. The battle pauses. Picard looks puzzled, and Kirk looks surprised.
Kirk: Who…dares…put this…song…on my…death match mix?
Spock has conveniently disappeared from the scene. Teal'c notices this and raises an eyebrow.
Picard: Well, this is still a competition, is it not?
Kirk: I don't see why we should stop.
Picard: Data, if you would. (motions him to become a proctor)
The fight turned-tap dancing competition continues. Jack has been going around the crowd trying to gather intel. He comes to a man with pointy ears talking to a man wearing a blue uniform carrying a med-kit in a shiny box (the only reason Jack went to him).
Jack: Ooh…pretty, shiny. Uh, er, I mean…What's happening in the battle ring?
Spock: It's life, boy, but not as we know it.
Jack: Then, why do you seem tense?
Spock: I am not tense. I am only concerned with the safety of the captains, for the next few songs on that disc could prove deadlier than a death match for them.
Jack: Deadlier than a death match?
Spock: Deadlier than a death match. Which is exactly what I was informing Dr. McCoy of just now.
The music fades again.
Data: The scores are in from the voices in my head. Er, the simulated judging program. Picard received 7.0, 5.2, 3.7. 0.1 and 6.5. Kirk received 9.8, 7.9, 7.6, 8.4, and…
Data is interrupted by the next track on the disk. It's a rap mix. The bass is so loud, the very ground shakes. Rap battle, you say? Well it's not. It's too powerful and is breaking the ground into pieces. Rocks are falling from the ledges above. The crewmen take cover. The SGers, a couple of crewmen, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty take cover under an overhang.
Spock: (flips open the communicator) Scotty! Beam me up, Scotty!
Scotty: Ya don' have to yell, lady. I'm right beside you.
Spock: But shouldn't you be on the ship?
Scotty: Well, I couldn't jus' wait for this death match to come out on cable. A death match is always better when you have a front-row seat.
Kirk and Picard are still fighting a regular death match despite the ground breaking apart. Kirk swings his staff over his head and brings it down towards Picard, but Picard dodges it. Kirk's staff hits the boom box, stopping the music. The people who took cover are now coming back out.
Jack: Hey, weren't there more red-shirted people just a minute ago?
DJ: The in red shirts aren't as many anymore.
Teal'c pimp slaps him out of nowhere. Teal'c and Jack look at each other; then, they keep walking on.
Rodney: Oh my God! Picard's in a red shirt! And so is Riker! Are they dead?!
A "handsome" young man runs in wearing a grey ensign's uniform.
Ensign: What? The captain and first officer are dead?!No matter! I can do anything, even bring people back from the dead, for I am…Wesley Crusher!
He smiles and the bright white of his teeth blinds everyone in the general vicinity. A groan goes up from the Next Generation side of the arena. Dr. Crusher comes up to her son.
Crusher: Wesley, sweetie, I don't think…
Wesley: But Mother, I can do anything. I'm perfect!
He strikes a superhero pose. Everybody looks at each other then at Beverly. She raises her hands in defeat and backs away. Everyone pulls out their weapons.
Wesley: Hey, guys? What's going…
He never finishes as phaser beams, ZAT beams, bullets, small furry creatures, and other projectiles hit his body. Then he bursts into a billion points of light much like the Death Star exploding.
McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
Kirk: Thank God.
Data and LeForge come up dressed like Holmes and Watson.
Data: If the Captain is still alive, we'll find him! Come, Watson!
Picard: That's not necessary.
Kirk: How…did you…get…out of there?
Picard: When you left me for dead in that god-forsaken cave, you forgot one thing. I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Jack: Okay, we need to find a way outta here before this becomes a universal incident. (to crowd) Excuse me!
Everyone looks to Jack.
Jack: Can you tell me where we are?
Kirk: Of…course. Mr. Chekov…
Chekov: Ve're on the planet Dagobah.
Kirk: Chekov, you talk funny. Ooh! Say "nuclear wessel!"
Spock: Captain, they have seen our secret fight ritual. And you know what our rules about it are.
Kirk: Uh…sure! Just remind the others.
Spock: Rule 1: Don't talk about the fight ritual. Rule 2: Don't talk about the fight ritual.
Kirk: So why are we talking about it? That's not logical! Ha! In your pointy eyebrowed face!
Starts cabbage patching.
Spock: 'Pointy eyebrowed face'"
Scotty: Oh, come now. Where's your sense of humour?
Spock: Vulcans do not show emotions.
Scotty: Nonsense! Anyone'll show emotions after a few pints of brewsky.
Scotty: Oh, it's an ancient Earth tradition. Now, I may not have any with me, but I'm sure we could replicate some.
Spock: As I am sure you are well aware of, the Enterprise does not have replicators. Just what, exactly, do you intend to do?
Scotty grins a dastardly, mischievous smile and starts sneaking towards the Enterprise-D.
Spock: I suppose I must make sure he does not do anything…stupid.
Random Guy Lookin' Like a Scruffy Lookin' Nerf Herder: You and me both, mate.
Keeps walking by herding his nerfs. A skinny-lookin' dude with a Little Green Man on his back runs by; he stops when he sees the SGers.
Rodney: Oh my God! It's Luke Skywalker!
Luke: Hi! Master Yoda, are these the ones the Jedi prophesized about.
The LGM hops down and looks at them. Before he can say anything, Wesley comes back.
Wesley: Good news, everyone! I'm so perfect that I was able to pull myself back together.
Yoda growls and pulls out his small lightsaber. He leaps in the air, flips, and cleanly severs Wesley's head from his body. Another great cheer goes up from the arena.
Jack: Wow, that little guy just killed the annoying ensign. I don't think we should get on his bad side.
Yoda: Remember that you must, or bust a cap in your (this next word is censored, but I find it best if you use a funny sounding word like cumquat or snorkel to fill in the blank) I will.
The SGers stare at him in disbelief.
Luke: I was just on my way to go to the tunnel where I have hallucinations that I am Darth Vader. Wanna come?
Rodney: I always wondered: Do you take anything before going in there?
Luke: Nope, just Yoda's mushroom soup.
Rodney: That explains it.
Disembodied Voice: Luke…
Luke: Ben, is that you?
Disembodied Voice: No, it's George Lucas, here to capitalize on some other aspect of your character. Who do you think it is? Do other disembodied voices talk to you? Well, do they?
Luke: No, I'm sorry I've offended you.
Ben: Oh, shut up. I just wanted to tell you that these are the people you need to fill the prophesy.
Luke: Oh, okay. Hey, guys follow me!
They run off behind the Jedi-in-training who leads them into the swamps of Dagobah.