Here's the thing. I got challenged to do a meme over at LJ. "Name three fics you think I will never, ever, ever write. In return, I will attempt to write them." So, I come bearing three stories - all of them topics that I would never EVER have written before - and therefore they are parodies of my work and nothing I have taken seriously. I just thought those in search of humour might appreciate them. All three are dedicated to the very talented Luna Lovegood5, seeing as these are her challenges. Enjoy (?)
Challenge One: "Put Yourself In A Story"
Author's Note: Self-explanatory, really. It's set sometime in the summer and, yes, I really really really hated writing this one. It felt arrogant, up-my-own-arse and ridiculously stupid. It's almost crack!fic for God's sake. But here we go nonetheless (and despite the hatred of writing it, the actual prose I don't think is too bad)... Tenth Doctor (and Rose).
A Very Telling Summer
She was asleep when it happened. In the dingy university accommodation rooms, the walls were so thin it was possible to hear absolutely everything that went on in the building, both inside and out. At first the noise didn't rouse her, as it started quietly. However, it became more and more persistent and eventually she became aware of what it was. She sat bolt up-right in bed, her eyes wide and her heart pounding in her chest. It was the sort of noise that terrified her because it made no literal sense, despite the fact that secretly – deep down in her heart – she had always wished it would happen. That didn't stop it being any less terrifying.
She ran to the window faster than the speed of light and peeled back the curtain. Although she could see nothing, she knew it was there. Half way down the hill, probably, or tucked away in the forest out of sight. Swallowing down a sudden wave of sickness, she ran to her chest of drawers and pulled out the first clothes she grabbed, not even looking at what they were. Pulling them on and stumbling over to the door at the same time (forget breakfast, this was by far more important) she started a hasty exit. It was the sort of moment that sickened her to her stomach because two very different worlds had suddenly collided, and that was not good. The Real World and the Fantasy World.
With fear and excitement fuelling her, she skidded out into the corridor and started to run, the sound still ringing in her ears despite the fact it had died down. She ran on, her heart flailing wildly in her chest.
It was a sound unlike any other humans should hear.
The sound of the TARDIS.
"So, here we are, then."
The Doctor stepped out and sucked in the cool sea breeze through his nose. It was a gorgeous view from up here, even if he did say so himself.
Rose poked her head out.
"Where did you say this was?"
The Doctor turned and smiled. "Aberyswyth!" he announced gleefully. "On the coast of West-Wales; lovely place. Do the best chips in the UK, if not the world – and I mean that. Pretty good ice-cream, too, come to think of it."
"So this is Earth?" she asked, leaving the TARDIS completely. The door clicked shut behind her.
"Yup. And just up there, up that hill, are the student halls for the university. And, in that direction, the National Library of Wales: did you know they have every Great Britain book ever published in there? Every single one? Oh, and if you turn around, you'll be able to see the town itself."
Rose did so and was astounded by what she saw. Streets and streets of building that looked as small as lego stretched out before her, all cramped together into the same valley. A bay stretched in a semi-circle around the town and the sea sparkled up a gleaming topaz.
He had landed on a hill of some sort, just on the edge of a wood, apparently to give them the 'nicest view of the town'.
The Doctor grinned. "Come on," he ventured, offering his hand for Rose to take. "We've got some exploring to do."
She happily took his hand, winding her fingers between his. They began to make their way down the hill when the Doctor became away of hurried footsteps crunching down the path behind them. He turned with a bemused expression.
"We've got company," he said quietly to Rose. She looked round with some shock.
A girl was running down the hill after them, no much older than seventeen. Brown hair flew out behind her as she fled and she was wearing rather loose-fitting trousers coupled with an absolutely hideous bright orange t-shirt.
To the Doctor's shock and dislike, she stopped as she reached them, panting hard. She then stared, open-mouthed, from one to the other and refused to do any more than that.
Rose took her hands from the Doctor's and stepped forward, frowning a little.
"Hello," she offered. "I'm Rose. Can we help you?"
"I know – who you are – " panted the girl. She pointed. "That's the Doctor."
He looked mildly surprised. "Yes, I am. And you are...?"
The girl seemed to find all this incredibly amusing and started laughing hysterically. Eventually she managed, "I'm Rowan. Nice to meet you. Wow. I can't believe I'm actually meeting the Doctor and Rose Tyler."
Or at least, that's what she meant to say. It came out more like a hysteric mass of squeals and giggles.
The Doctor blinked.
"What's going on?" Rose asked him from the corner of her mouth.
"I'm not sure..."
"Sorry," Rowan managed, at last seeming to keep her excitement to a bare minimum (and even that involved a lot of twitching). "It's just... wow... I didn't think you actually existed. But you do and... wow... this is incredible."
She sounded well-spoken, English almost, but also very, very nervous.
"Beg your pardon?" the Doctor asked with disbelief, feeling more and more uncomfortable every passing second. "Did you just say... you didn't think we existed?"
Rowan nodded excitedly. "But obviously you do." Then some sort of idea seemed to hit her and she smacked a hand to her forehead. "Wait, are you filming a new season? Are you here with the BBC? Have I just totally buggered up your shot? I'm sorry, I didn't think, I assumed – "
"What is she talking about?" Rose whispered to the Doctor, her eyes wide.
He shrugged and replied quietly, "Only one way to find out..." he stepped forward, interrupting Rowan mid-sentence. She didn't really mind, given the circumstances.
"Okay, let me get this straight. You know of Rose and me. How?"
Rowan's eyes widened and for a moment she was speechless. Then she let out a bark of laughter, apparently very pleased with herself.
"I knew it! I knew you two were the real thing! I mean, you guys look exactly like David Tennant and Billie Piper – although I guess you would, really – but no way would the Beeb let her back on the show so soon. Which means, you guys are the Doctor and Rose and... I think I'm going to have to sit down..."
"She's raving," Rose commented. "Doctor, I think we'd better leave her..."
"Nonsense! Fun for all the family." His fake smile didn't fool Rose for a second and she was happy when he then took her arm and pulled her over to one side, out of earshot of Rowan – who was now waving her arms frantically and pacing back and forth, as though trying to work something out. His grin faded. "If this place has knowledge of us, both you and I are going to be in some very serious danger. We'll find out what she knows, how, destroy the evidence and I'll wipe her memory with the sonic screwdriver. Then we might actually be able to get back to having a holiday."
Rose nodded, albeit a little uncertainly. The Doctor turned back to Rowan, who was watching them with large hazel eyes.
"I'm sorry," she apologised sincerely. "For acting like I'm gone in the head. I'm not, really. Honestly, if you'd have been anyone else I'd probably still be in bed. But this is so unbelievable that – "
"Okay, first things first, you obviously know us both. How much? And where did you get your information?"
Rowan smiled knowingly. "Ooh!" she exclaimed, not being able to hide her joy. "Are you thinking I've found your name on the Internet, or something, and are hoping to erase all traces with a virus? Like you did in season one when you gave Mickey the Bad Wolf virus to destroy any and all mentions of you? Because honestly, that would be cool."
The Doctor just stared, having heard a very large amount of words in a very small space of time.
"How... did you know about that...?" he asked, completely bewildered. Rose fidgeted uncomfortably, stepping from one foot to the other.
"Same as everyone else," Rowan grinned. "Watched it on TV the year before last."
She laughed to herself. "I always thought you were real. Deep down. How are you here, though?"
"Did you just say you watched us on the TV?"
"Oh my God." Rowan stopped dead as her eyes fell on something. "That's... that's the TARDIS. Oh my God, it's the actual TARDIS! I'm standing by the actual TARDIS! Can I touch it?"
The Doctor's face suddenly became deadly serious. "How do you know about the TARDIS," he growled.
Rowan grinned. "Easy. BBC Wales. 'Time And Relative Dimension In Space' – although, a lot of people argue whether it's Dimensions or Dimension. It's your time-and-space ship that gets you from A to B. And you're the last Time Lord because of what happened in the Time War, and this is Rose who you picked up in you ninth life after she helped you defeat the Nestene Consciousness by swinging on a chain to save your life. You've regenerated since then because of what happened at the Space Station – I see you still haven't gone back for Jack yet. He's alive, by the way, if you didn't know – "
"Okay enough!" the Doctor shouted, his eyes wide. "I thought I could talk, but blimey." Rowan made to say something else, but he cut across her. "Shhh! Let me think." She closed her mouth obediently. "And no, you can't touch the TARDIS."
He turned back to Rose and let out a breath. "Apparently she knows everything we've ever done."
"So I heard."
"What d'you think?"
"I think we leave and never come back."
"Rose, we can't. If there's information about us out there then I have to destroy it before it puts you life at risk. Both of our lives at risk."
"Can't we just wipe her memory?"
"Depends how many others like her there are. She's a human, just an ordinary human – the most dangerous thing in the world."
"Ask her, then."
The Doctor frowned. "Ask her what?"
"How many people know about us. She seems to know everything else."
"You're amazing sometimes," he grinned affectionately. "I'd never have thought of that. No wonder I picked you up. Anyway – " The Doctor turned back to Rowan, who was trying very hard not to say anything for fear of being snapped at again.
"How many know about us?" he asked warily.
Rowan shrugged. "Hard to say. Anyone who watches the show, I guess. Few million, at least."
"A few... million...?" The Doctor's jaw dropped slightly. "Rose, I think we're in serious trouble." he then turned back with a frown. "Did you just say 'show'?"
"Yeah. You know. 'Doctor who' - with David Tennant and Freema Agyeman. Only obviously, when it was you, it was Billie Piper."
"No, I don't 'know'," he snapped with worried bitterness. "I don't know who or what you're talking about. This doesn't make sense!"
Rose frowned hard, thinking. She looked to Rowan, who looked back expectantly.
"So..." she began, rather doubtfully, "you're telling me that you've watched me and the Doctor on TV? Like... I dunno, some sort of TV show? Reality show?"
"Not reality," Rowan corrected, shaking her head. "Sci-fi."
"Fiction, then," the Doctor came in with. She nodded back and he gave a gleeful yelp. "Rose, I've figured it out. Brain like mine, only a matter of time, really. Anyway – you remember that shake we had on the way here? The one that made me reset the coordinates for the TARDIS?"
"Yeah. What about it?"
"I thought it seemed familiar. Now I know what it was. We crossed a dimension. Not fell through a crack in time, exactly, just sort of... skipped over. It's hard to explain. But since I found a way back to you, the consequence of that is probably that the links between universes have been getting weaker. This is a world that has a very different dimension between what's real and what's imagination. You find it happens sometimes, when something catastrophic happens to cause a glitch in time and space."
Rose's eyes widened with realisation. "The Time War?"
"The Time War," the Doctor confirmed, nodding. "It must have created this universe through repercussions, when the boundary between fiction and non-fiction became less defined. So even though the recounts of the Time War and my connections to it are known in this universe, it's titled as 'fiction' so that the universe can still function without imploding into nothing. Intense stuff if you pay too much attention to it."
Rowan stared between them. "Okay, I think I'm definitely going to need that sit down."
"Does that mean there's nothing to worry about, then?" Rose asked, ignoring her.
The Doctor smiled. "Not a thing – well, unless you count the apparent millions of avid viewers and fans to 'the show'. We'll have to see about getting back across the void, though. Shouldn't be too difficult." He winked at Rose, who blushed and then smiled.
Rowan looked on confused.
"Right then!" the Doctor continued with a grin, turning to the bemused seventeen-year-old. "I suppose we'd better be off! No point in hanging around in this universe, we might end up having it imploded by accident."
"Not talking from experience?" Rowan probed with a cheeky smile.
"Wouldn't you like to know. Thanks for the help, then, and... I guess... enjoy the show."
He gave Rose a head-tilt which signified 'unlock the TARDIS door' and, obediently, she began fumbling for her key.
"Doctor..." Rowan started a little nervously. He raised an eyebrow and she looked to floor, finding his presence now quite unnerving. "It's all real then? Aliens and time-travel and... well, your life?"
"My life is very real, yes. The world you live in just doesn't know it, and probably never will. And now, we should be leaving."
"Okay, but one more thing. Martha – what happens to her? And Rose, how d'you get her back?"
The Doctor, who already had one foot inside the ship, winked.
"You'll just have to wait and see, won't you? Have a good life, Rowan, and remember to keep dreaming."
Rose's head poked out behind him. "Don't listen to a word he says, he's just an arrogant git."
"And not as enigmatic as he thinks he is," Rowan added. The two girls laughed and the Doctor looked quite affronted.
"All right, all right, enough of the pleasantries. Come on you, in. Before us being here starts to have a further effect on things."
"Bye, Rowan," Rose smiled.
Rowan smiled back and watched the door closed. As the TARDIS wind kicked up round her and the machine started fading in and out of existence, she started to think over the last fifteen minutes in her mind.
She then turned, making her way back up to the university halls. When she had signed up for this summer course, she'd had no idea what would have been in store. Just as well, by the sound of it, otherwise the Doctor and Rose could have travelled about with no idea of what their presence was doing to the universe. Except, somebody else would have noticed them, surely...
She smiled to herself. When she got back inside, there was some fanfiction on her computer that was definitely going to get some updating.