Author: The Plot Bunny Whisperer
Title: At Least It's Not Contagious
Summary: Harry's on a sugar high, Dumbledore's more Twinkly than ever, and Snape just doesn't want to catch it.
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't care…. Do I really have to do this every single time?
AN: Don't ask me. I don't know. I've been on a writing streak lately, and this was in my Story Ideas file. I felt like writing it, so…. Yeah.
At Least It's Not Contagious
It was one of those days where everything was perfect and bound to go wrong. After all, perfect days were lying, deceitful bastards and never to be trusted. To do so would be foolish and possibly dangerous to your sanity – or, in the case of most people, lack thereof.
Severus's first clue that today was not a Good Day started in his Third Year Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff potions class. He had them working on a simple Color Changing Potion. Somehow, one dunderhead managed to make a Color Depletion Potion, and half the class was turned into black-and-white versions of their original selves. He had no idea how this could have possibly happened, but he rather thought that they were trying to be clever.
Yet another screwed up entirely, and the other half of the class had turned into horrendously clashing, yet colorful, hues, mostly in the area of lime green and neon pink. All in all, the two houses were one hundred points poorer, and three students were going to be spending their free nights with Filch for the rest of the week.
His second clue that today was not a Good Day was apparent at lunch time, when he was accosted by his lover in the Great Hall before he could do more than prepare himself a nice, strong hot cup of tea and demolish it in one gulp.
"Seeeverus." Oh dear god.
Someone had given Harry sugar. Merlin have mercy on them all.
Harry, himself, was oblivious to Severus's line of thought and continued to grin widely at him, bouncing in his seat, his eyes bright and rather glazed as those whom had consumed too much sugar were wont to have.
"Sevsevsev! Guess what?"
Severus sighed deeply in the fashion of those whom had to deal with those whom had consumed too much sugar.
That is, to say, in resignation of their fate.
"I'm not going to bother answering such an asinine question, as you are bound to tell me anyway. Please inform me to the culprit of this impending disaster, so I may thank them for allowing me the pleasure of their timely and gruesome death." Harry gave him a look of confusion, but it was quickly wiped away and a look of hyper insanity once again filled his face.
"Dunno what you're talking about, but guess what!" Harry bounced in his seat, garnering many strange and wary looks which were promptly ignored and disregarded as unimportant. "I…," he said slowly, posing dramatically as those who enjoyed nothing more than keeping others in suspense were oft to do, "am going to start a prank club!" He grinned happily, completely ignoring the look of sheer horror that crossed Severus's face. "I got the idea from Gred 'n Forge, they have some awesome ideas about it and Albus said it was okay and he gave me some really great ideas, and it's going to start soon, and our first mission is, no wait, I can't tell you, it'll ruin the surprise! But it's gonna be sooo much fun and I can't wait, we already have a whole bunch of people signing up, it's exactly what this place needs, it's been waay too boring around here since the twins left, and anyway this is what we're gonna do first…."
Severus turned his head very, very slowly and sent Albus his darkest, most dangerous Glare of Death. This was the one Harry had fondly dubbed, You-Better-Start-Running-Because-Your-Entrails-Will-Be-Scattered-Throughout-The-School-In-About-Three-Seconds.
Albus had the nerve to simply smile and twinkle at him.
Oh, yes, someone was going to die.
The third Today Is Not A Good Day clue came about four hours later, just before dinner. And as everyone knows, bad things always happen in three. (Except for Harry, who's bad things usually happen in eights; but Harry was a magnet for all things Weird and Mysterious (not to mention Impossible), so perhaps Severus should be a bit grateful for the fact that it was his Bad Things and not Harry's; otherwise the school would most likely have not survived.)
It started with a suit of armor.
Or rather, it started with Peeves, whom had thrown a Weasley's Wizard Wheezes version of a Dungbomb (and although no one knows how he got it, Severus had a suspicion. Harry adamantly denied all connection to this particular scenario,) atop of a rather onerous suit of armor, which had come barging into his Seventh Year Gryffindor/Slytherin potions class causing no small amount of chaos and destruction, three and a half explosions, and the evacuation of the entire dungeon floor.
(It is to be noted that the dungeons could not be entered for nearly three days and the Slytherins were forced to sleep in a temporary dormitory for the duration, which caused Severus a nasty migraine that could only be cured with a heavy dose of Scotch.)
The incident had passed through the Hogwarts grapevine like a wildfire eating through a field of dried out barley. By the time dinner approached, the rumor was that Peeves and the suit of armor were lovers who had gotten into a really bad quarrel and the entire dungeons had collapsed from the explosions, sending half of the seventh years to the Hospital Wing. The fact that not a single Seventh Year was missing from dinner was completely disregarded, and several of aforementioned Seventh Years had a grand time telling tales of their "heroic defying of death's grasp, Harry Potter Style". The students gobbled this up like so many Chocolate Frogs.
If Severus wasn't such a stickler for self-pride, he would have bangs his head repeated on the Head Table until he had passed out long enough to be past this whole episode.
He glared suspiciously at his lover as Harry took his seat next to him. Harry looked completely innocent, which was usually a sign that he was involved somehow.
"Don't look at me like that, Severus," Harry said, grinning at him. "I had nothing to do with this. Honestly. Isn't that right, Headmaster?"
Albus smiled, Twinkled, and said, "Completely right, my boy. Completely right."
Severus resisted the urge to gouge his eyes out.
By the end of the week, things had finally calmed down a bit and Severus was cautiously optimistic that the idiotic insanities of earlier in the week were over and done with. Of course, everyone knows that Severus was never an optimistic person simply for the fact that he had every right to be. Nothing was ever as good as it seemed, and besides that, he was simply the type of person to look a gift horse in the mouth before the gift giver could even finish saying, "It's for you.".
And, of course, he was entirely right.
It began with the fact that, once again, Harry had consumed entirely more sugar than was completely necessary and that Dumbledore was as Twinkly as ever. Severus was seriously contemplating pulling a Draco Malfoy and running like hell for his sanity, but he never got the chance.
What happened next could only be described as pure chaos.
One by one, students from every house began to change colors of the type only Dumbledore would ever think to don, and several of them began sprouting extra appendages that should never be seen on a human body. Then, before the student body could fully descend into panic, something exploded above their heads and confetti in every color rained from the ceiling. Everywhere the confetti landed changed to match the color, and soon the tables, floor, students, teachers, and even the food began sporting multi-colored stripes caused by the little pieces of paper.
Harry was quite literally rolling on the floor laughing his ass off, causing him to become so covered in multi-colored stripes that he looked like a Dumbledore-version of plaid.
It was then that Severus realized, now covered in streaks of blue, orange, mauve and puce, that the insanity was not likely to end any time soon.
He just hoped he wouldn't catch it.