Disclaimer: Scrubs is not mine. If they were, Dr. Cox and JD would have gotten it on a long time ago.
Warnings: JDA, DCA (both of the emotional kind as opposed to the physical abuse),
Author's Note: As I finish My Gunshot I have a million ideas for a new story. So here goes one. This is going to be a chapter fic, I have no idea how long, though probably not as long as My Gunshot. This is set some time after My Screw Up, but it leaves Cannon behind after that episode.
Perry turned his head, eyes opening and slowly focusing on the alarm clock that rested on the bedside table. He twisted his head around to look out the window, still dark and still raining by the look of the water running down the glass. A light snort to his left made him turn his head to look. The young man beside him slept deeply, mouth open slightly. His hair was an insane mass of dark, silky strands, free of product for once. Perry resisted the urge to bury his hands in it, something he wouldn't even think of doing in the light of day. Carefully and slowly he slipped out from under the covers. His clothes lay in a pile by the bed; he grabbed them and crept out of the room and to the bathroom.
He made his way silently through the empty apartment, grateful that Carla and Turk were visiting with Turk's family. Normally, he had to dress in JD's room and then creep out the front door. He didn't especially like sneaking around like a teenager, but he couldn't always take JD to his place and he hated doing the hotel thing.
He closed the bathroom door and flicked the light switch. The light, coming suddenly from the darkness, was disorienting. He blinked a couple of times and looked into the mirror. He needed a shave. He ran the water until steam covered the mirror and then splashed his face. It woke him up. He grabbed a towel that smelled alarmingly like JD and dried his face. He paused when he thought he heard noise in the living room. No sound followed, so he pulled his clothes on and shut the light off. He opened the door.
"I thought you said Jordan and Jack were at her mom's." A voice said softly from the couch. He gave a start, eyes adjusting to the darkness to see JD's form curled up in the corner of the couch. Perry sighed and went to sit on the back of it, barely stopping a hand from reaching out to the kid.
"She's coming back today. Early. I have to be there." Perry told him, something he hadn't mentioned last night. JD was silent. "Newbie." Perry stood and grabbed his jacket from the counter. He felt a familiar anger burning in his chest. "You know how it goes, Clarissa. Jordan and Jack come first." He growled out. He thought he heard JD sigh, but couldn't be sure.
"I'll see you at work tomorrow, Dr. Cox." He said, standing and heading back towards the bedroom. He was wearing the shirt Perry had left here weeks, maybe months ago. It was too long on his arms and when he pushed his hair out of his face the sleeve fell over his fingers. Perry frowned at the pit in his stomach.
"JD." The younger man stopped at the rare utterance of his name. He turned his head, hair falling back into his face. "You know-."
"Yeah I know the rules. They come first. Jordan never knows. I tell no one. I come when you call. You leave when you want to. I get it. I've always gotten it." He started moving again, his back straight, walking in slightly exaggerated swagger.
Perry growled and turned, slamming the door as he left and not caring if the kid's neighbors woke because of it. He knew the damned kid wanted more, he'd known when they started this that eventually he would have to. What he hadn't known was that he might eventually want that too. So when it had stopped being just about the sex, when it had started being about watching JD sleep, and how soft his hair was without gel in it, or how his eyes seemed brighter when they worked on a patient together, he'd done the only thing he could; he'd put even more distance between them. Sex was faster, and rougher, and Perry found more excuses to not stay the night.
And most of the time Perry could ignore the feeling in his chest when he caught sight of JD when he was expecting to, or when the kid flashed him his ridiculous grin. When he wasn't with JD he was busy with patients, or Jordan, or Jack. And he loved Jordan, he did. He ignored the voice in his head that told him loving someone was different than being in love with someone and that maybe he should examine that idea. He frowned. Jordan had nothing to do with what he was doing with JD. And he wasn't in love with the stupid kid.
He shook his head, resolving to stop thinking about it.
But as he opened the car door and climbed in, long legs bending to fit beneath the steering column, he couldn't help feeling like he was being unfaithful. The problem was, he wasn't sure if it was Jordan or JD he was being unfaithful to.
JD watched from the window as the car left the parking lot. It felt to him like the brake lights winked at him in mockery. He glared at them.
"What do you know, break lights?" He muttered and went back to lie down on the bed.
He stared up at the ceiling, all too aware of the lingering smell of sex and Perry that permeated the room. He sighed heavily. He felt like bricks were weighing his chest down. He shook his head at himself. He never should have done this to himself. He'd been stupid to think he could do the casual sex thing with a man he'd already had feelings for. But how could he have refused, really?
He knew he'd pulled it off for a while; he'd even managed to convince himself that it was just sex. No feelings involved, thank you very much. He'd never been very good at lying, but having an affair, he snorted at the word and all the clichés it brought to mind, had fixed that. Not even Turk had an inkling of what was going on. And even though he'd caught Carla staring extra hard at him the first time he and Perry had snuck into the apartment because Jordan had been unexpectedly home, he didn't think she knew either. And Elliot was far too involved in her quasi-relationship-friendship with Sean.
He rolled over onto his side, eyes falling on the dent in the pillow where Perry's head had been. He looked past it to the alarm clock. 2:19 the clock blinked at him. He frowned. Perry had stayed all of one hour after sex. JD had thought they would have the whole night at least. It was those small things, the rare times when Perry spent a whole night him, that kept him going.
He rolled over again, feeling restless.
For a time he had thought maybe Perry felt something for him too. But then it seemed like Perry had distanced himself even further. So JD figured it had all been in his head. He closed his eyes tight, trying to fight the sting of tears in his sleep blurred eyes.
He should end it. He should never have started it. But he knew he wouldn't end it, and he knew there had been no way he could have stopped it from happening.
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling again. He ignored the cool, moist feeling of tears as they trailed down his face. He would just have to take what he could get, until he couldn't take it at all anymore. Sadly, he wondered when he would finally reach his breaking point.
Jordan wondered how stupid Perry thought she was. She'd had enough affairs of her own to recognize the signs. Oh she had to give it to Perry, he never came home smelling of someone else's perfume, and he never once sported a love bite or a scratch mark, though there had been a bruise or two.
She couldn't even tell if or when he brought his lover over. No, where she had always flaunted and still flaunted her extra marital relationships, Perry took great pains to keep his secret. Part of her loved him more for that, the part of her that always loved him no matter big an ass he was being. The rest of her was furious with all the righteousness that a good double standard could provide. Perry had been a lot things, most of them not good, but he'd never been the cheater. That had always been her.
She stared down at her sleeping son and wondered, not for the first time, if coming back into Perry's life the way she had had been a bad idea. She couldn't really regret coming to him when she'd found out she was pregnant, especially since it was his kid.
Jack rolled over in his sleep. She turned to leave the room, not wanting to wake him up. She made her way to the bedroom and got undressed, crawling into bed. Perry grunted in his sleep and rolled away from her. She watched him for several moments.
She wondered who it was. If it was someone from the hospital, or someone he'd met somewhere else. She knew Perry loved her, and she loved him, she did, in her own selfish way. Sometimes she just loved to torture him, which was just fine with her.
She glared at the back of Perry's head for a moment. She'd have to watch him more carefully if she wanted to figure out who it was he was seeing. She might not have cared, except that she got the sense it was more than just a sexual fling. And if she were a more sensitive, touchy-feely person, she might admit that that upset her.
"Yo, J-dizzle, what's up man? You seem down. You lose a patient?" Turk threw a casual arm around JD's shoulders, making him slump forward more than he already was.
"No, Chocolate bear, I'm fine." He said, though even he wouldn't believe himself. Turk squeezed the arm on his shoulders tighter. JD forced a smile. "Really, it's fine."
"Man, I don't know what's been up with you the last couple of days but I wish you would talk to me. I know it's crazy with me and Carla and planning the wedding, but you're my boy. I got your back." JD stopped suddenly and Turk looked at him in confusion.
"I- I shit." JD was staring, Turk's last words lost in him, at Dr. Cox as he made his way down the hallway with Jordan.
He was holding Jack in his arms, looking as happy as all anything. He looked around frantically. There, a supply closet just up the hall. JD jerked away from Turk, nearly knocking him over and dove for the door. He opened it and slammed it shut. Breathing heavy and feeling sick to his stomach he stared at the doorknob. Suddenly, he lunged forward and locked it. He walked to the back wall and then turned to face the door. He slid slowly down the wall, hands fisted in his hair and for once not caring what it would look like. His elbows rested on his drawn up knees, head hanging.
Finally he stood, brushing off his scrubs and trying to fix his hair. He went to the door and unlocked it, opening it with caution. He looked out to see a blue wall covering the door. He looked up to see the face of Perry Cox staring down at him. Oh. Not a wall. With a shriek he slammed the door shut again, trying to lock it. He couldn't. It opened before he got the chance. He skittered back against the far wall and watched with apprehension as Perry stormed in and locked the door behind him.
"You said no fooling around in the hospital." He squeaked out. Perry stayed facing the door for a moment before he turned on his heel and marched up to JD.
"What the hell are you doing, Gigi?" He snarled. He stood in front of JD, arms crossed over his chest. His very broad chest. A chest JD had snuggled up against hundreds of times. His face crumbled. Perry blinked at him in disbelief. "Stay with me, Jezzabelle, what the hell are you doing?" JD shook his head.
"Nothing. Nothing." The second time it came out stronger. "I was just… taking… a break." He raised his chin defiantly and look to the side of Perry, not wanting to meet his gaze.
"A break from what?" Perry asked, voice dangerously quiet. JD looked down at the ground. "Newbie!" He growled out. JD jumped and then looked up at him, feeling his own temper rise.
"Us. Taking a break from this!" He shouted. Perry's face contorted with rage and he cast a furious glance at the door behind them.
"Quiet down, Newbie." He warned, but JD just stood up straighter and shoved him. The shove barely moved Perry, but the look of disbelief on his face was worth it.
"No! I mean it! I'm done. You can pretend all you want that we're just…" He did lower his voice now. "that we're just fucking, but that's not what it is. Not for me! And I can't take it. It's killing me. You're killing me! Is that what you want? Is that what you always wanted? To just… beat the hope out of me?" He stared at Perry, whose mouth and eyes were open wide. He was silent for so long that JD began to think he'd gone comatose.
When Perry finally moved it was the shove to JD against the wall, pinning him there with his weight. JD struggled against him, but he couldn't budge him. Lips crushed against his almost painfully. He tried to resist, but he felt a large hand move up his side under his shirt and couldn't help the gasp that escaped his lips. Perry took full advantage and plunged his tongue into the younger doctor's mouth. JD gave up resisting, hands trying to find purchase on Perry's shoulders, hips rocking against the other man's. Finally Perry pulled away, a snarl twisting his face.
"It is what it god damn is, Newbie, and that's the way is stays. I'll be at your place late tonight. Be there." JD couldn't argue. He nodded, knowing that he would be there and he would open the door and he would sneak Perry into his room like he always did. He would do it because he knew, better than even Perry did, that he would never really be able to tell the man no.
Perry turned in a flurry of motion and unlocked the door, leaving a rumpled JD behind him.
Perry stalked away from the closet, running a hand over his face. His lips seemed to burn where they had touched JD's. His heart hammered in his chest. Something clenched painfully in his stomach. What the kid had said, it had unsettled him. He'd panicked. There was no other word for it and he knew it. The idea of JD calling it quits, of having to give JD up, made him want to vomit. He tried to ignore the feeling. He tried to kiss it away; to make it about sex and the physical. It had mostly worked. Except that there had been some horrible kind of defeat in JD's eyes when he'd pulled away. Defeat and desire and the combination was both revolting and intoxicating.
He slammed the door to the bathroom open and felt a certain degree of satisfaction at the ring of the door hitting the wall.
He'd been having a perfectly fine day. Well a fine day for him. He'd actually been happy to see Jordan when she showed up with Jack in tow. He wouldn't ever really admit it, but Jack almost always made him happy. And they'd been fine, walking through the halls while Perry took a brief break from the patients that he was trying to save today. Then he'd spotted JD, Gandhi's arm around his slim shoulders and something had hit him in the gut. Not jealousy, because Gandhi was painfully straight and marrying the only woman other than Jordan to ever put Perry in his place. But it was something, something so close to jealousy that he'd immediately pushed it aside, laughing a little too hard at something Jordan had said.
She'd given him a strange look, peering around the hallway as if looking for someone. He'd gone on talking, insulting her a little so that she would think everything was fine. It had seemed to work, until JD had nose dived into the supply closet.
"What the hell is wrong with her?" Jordan had asked. And Perry could only shrug and change the subject, even though he knew he was the reason Newbie was playing hide and seek today.
He looked at his face in the mirror. He looked pale. He felt cold. Christ, he should never have gotten himself involved.
There had been that one moment of weakness, when Jordan had had her friends invading their house after Ben had died. And Perry hadn't known where else to go, because in all truth he really didn't have many friends. And he'd known damned well that the kid would practically piss himself with excitement if he showed up at his door. So he'd gone. And JD had been sleepy, hair falling into his face and looking soft in the dim light of the apartment. And Perry had reached out to grab a handful, pulling harder then he'd meant to. When JD had gasped in pain he'd moved forward to capture the full lips with his own. And it had snow-balled from there.
The only way to save himself from having to think about what it really might mean, not just the kiss but all of it; the dependency, the need for JD's admiration, the girl's names, the desire to see the kid succeed, way he felt when he knew he was the one JD had gone to first with whatever ridiculous problem he was having, was to make those stupid rules.
No, not stupid rules. He turned the faucet on and dipped his face to let the cool water run over his face. They weren't stupid. They were rules that needed to be there for his sake, for Jordan's, for Jack's. And yeah, for JD's sake too.
He raised his head from the water and stared at his reflection as the water dripped down his face. He was too old to start again. Too old to leave Jordan, and too old to come out as a gay doctor. And that was what he would become. It wasn't what he was, but it was what they would see him as if he ever let Newbie closer than he already was. He was already risking too much.
He grabbed a handful of paper towel and dried his face roughly, taking some solace in the rough feel of the brown paper against his skin.
It would have to end. Tonight, he would tell JD it was done, that he was bored. He'd end it for them both. He wasn't going to let either one of them crash and burn. And that was all that could come of this.
Author's Note: This idea was burning a hole in my head. I had to write it. Let me know what you all think. I'll update it, but not until I finish the last two chapters of my other story. Thanks for reading. Please review.