"Heimat ist kein Ort, Heimat ist ein Gefühl."
(Home is not a place, home is a feeling)
Herbert Grönemeyer is one of the greatest musicians I have ever seen live on a stage. He sings with so much joy and fun with his fans - even if his leg is broken.
The concert was fantastic and the last song simply touched my heart. It's called "Heimat" and although the content is a little bit different from this story, this line simply fits.
I don't know if you know that feeling. You meet someone for the first time and you simply like him or her. The other one understands you without many words and everything is simply clear. No doubts. No questions. No fears. Just friendship and love.
This story is for the craziest girl I ever met. Who shared with me a cheese roll with sweet cream and talked to me until 3 am although we knew that we had to get up at 5 am to see Venice. Who fell asleep in Venice at the beach, because she was so tired. For the craziest girl who was able to go into the mountain's lakes cold water and wet her pants all over just to get the perfect picture. For the girl who made me laugh all the time.
It had been the best weeks in my whole life.
Disclaimer: Haruka and Michiru are created by Takeuchi Naoko. However, the story is mine.
Guess some more disclaimers are necessary today. The song Haruka listens to in her walkman is "Go the distance" from Disney's Hercules. So you seen I do not only love animes, but also Disney cartoons -.
Michiru's song she sings in the third chapter in the Irish restaurant with "The Devils" is called "Wish U Well" and it belongs to Fiddler's Green. It simply fits so perfectly to Michiru and Haruka's destiny and if you'll ever get the chance to listen to it - it is full of anger and despair. I love it!
The other songs Michiru sings on the winter's ball at school and on the other concert don't belong to me, too. The first one is "Don't give up" by Peter Gabriel. It is a tender voice from someone who's lost and he's hold back by a smart woman's voice who tells him that he still has friends. That he still belongs to someone. That he's not beaten as long as he doesn't give up.
The second concert song is again from Fiddler's Green and it's "Another Sky". It isn't quite so angry the way Michiru sings it, but the lines simply fitted so perfectly to her anger, her hate and her deep sorrow.
Gomen that I borrowed so much. But it's the best way to explain one's feelings: With music. And Michiru is a child of music -.
If you liked the story or if you hated it, feel free to write to: aprileagleatfreenet.de!
She came home.
Slowly, she opened the door but hesitated. There was no one hiding in the shadows. Ready to shout at her. Ready to call her bad names. Ready to beat her down.
He left almost one year ago...
Very slowly she put her school bag on the cupboard to her right side. The door closed with a click that was louder than a bomb exploding in the strange silence. The girl frowned and her dark green eyes searched the half dark around her. She had experienced a lot in her young life. Just sixteen years. Sometimes sixteen years too long... But never she had felt such a threatening, dangerous silence. Always her days had been busy and very noisy. With her class mates. With her so called family. With her...
She frowned as she noticed what was missing. Who was missing. No one jumped at her and whimpered excited. No one wetted her pants and gave her wet, but honest kisses. No one showed her that there was at least one creature on this wide planet who obviously loved her.
Her voice was low and suddenly very shaky. She hardly cried in her life - no matter how hard it got. But now tears sparkled in dark, indefinable eyes as she switched on the lights and saw the brown something lying in the corner of the small corridor.
With two steps she was next to her best friend and knelt down.. Her hands trembled as she took the small puppy in her strong arms. She felt the warm fluid running over her skin, but she wasn't able to understand its meaning.
She shook the small body and swallowed hard. The doggy was about three months old. A small, always happy pet who warmed her cold nights and brightened up her dark days. Who wanted all her attention when she was at home and liked it to jog every evening aside her around in Tokyo's huge park. Who gave her all the love in return no one else seemed to feel for her.
"Hercules! Move! Don't be kidding! Don't scare me like that!"
She shook him again. Ignoring the red fluid running down her naked arms. Ignoring that the small boy in her arms was lifeless. That the puppy didn't breathe any longer.
He's only three months...
But she tried to ignore the knowledge that the doggy wouldn't get any older.
"Move, Herc! You're my only friend! You can't leave me like this... you... Herc..."
Slowly realization dawned and hurt her deeply. Tears sparkled in her eyes and she didn't notice that they wetted her cheeks. Strands of short blond hair fell in her face as she lowered her head. Covered it with deep shadows.
It was a silent sob as she put the doggy down at the now red carpet. Once it had been white. But that had been a long time ago. When her parents had been young. When they moved into this once so noble house. When they still had been in love.
When I hadn't been born...
The small head rolled aside and showed more blood and red flesh. The right ear was missing and there was even more blood.
Someone killed him!
She shook her head and stared at her blood smeared hands in disbelieve.
Why should anyone kill my sweet Herc?
More tears ran over her face and she sobbed quietly.
He didn't do anything. He was just cute and innocent. And so full of love...
At that moment the door to her parents' living room was pushed open and a woman around the age of forty stood there. She wore a dirty green dress and her dark hair was a mess. She held a cigarette in her right and a half empty bottle beer in her left hand.
"Oh, you're back from school?" Cold eyes stared down at the kneeling girl. Her mouth formed a line as she saw those tears. Tears for a meaningless creature. Tears she didn't even cry when he went away. Finally.
"Who was it? You!" The girl came hard to her feet and walked over to her mother. "Why?" She stretched her blood smeared arms towards her and the older woman stepped back into the living room.
"No, it was him. You know your cur! It jumped at him and so he beat it down." She turned around and put the bottle down on the table next to other, empty ones.
The girl frowned, but followed her.
"He's been here?" she asked and swallowed hard. Quickly, she looked around, but there was no other shadow hiding behind the door. All she could see was an old couch, a broken table and the always shinning TV screen. It was mute.
Mommy, you're dead drunk!
But the didn't dare to say it aloud. Even as the older woman reeled and the cigarette fell down on the ground. On a dirty, grey carpet.
Normally she was used to it. But normally no one killed her one and only friend. Normally the carpet wasn't bloodstained. Normally her mother didn't drink until dust.
Why isn't she at work today?
"Hai. He simply came here and gave me THIS!"
The girl looked at the handled letter and only needed to read the first lines.
"The divorce papers?" she whispered and sighed deeply. "At last..."
So he would never come to her room again in the middle of the night and beat her down. So he would never hurt her mother again. So he would never try again to kill his family by laying fire, driving their car against a tree or showing them his gun.
So we're free of him. At last...
Her mother's voice was high and angry as she turned towards her daughter.
"Do you know what you're talking about? I lost my job today and he won't pay - neither for you nor for me. I can't pay the rent and it's too expensive to let you go to school any longer!" her eyes sparkled in anger and pain. And hate. Endless hate.
The girl automatically stepped back and shook her head. She'd often seen that hate. In dark green eyes, just the same like her own. In his eyes every time he took the belt to tell her that he was the master, she only a weak, useless girl. A daughter no one ever wanted.
But I've never seen it in her eyes...
"He had been right. From the beginning he had been right! It had been a mistake to let you live! You caused nothing than trouble! You cost us too much and he was fed up with you! He wanted a little, cute girl and all we got was a bloody dyke!."
Now she screamed.
"Nani...?" whispered the girl in shock and ran her trembling hands through her blond hair. Ignoring the red traces she left there.
"He loved me before I got pregnant. Before we had to move into this bloody region of Tokyo! He always wanted to be an artist, but we hadn't the money any more to support his career after you were born!" Her face was red as she shouted. Then she took another bottle of beer, opened it and drank some gulps.
"I should have aborted you, you dyke! I never wanted you! Haruka? Do you understand me? You're the reason he left me! You're the reason he beat me and..."
"He beat me, too, mommy!" Haruka took a deep breath and reached for the bottle to put it down to the others. On a broken table. In a broken life.
"He wasn't a loving husband nor..."
"And you've never been a loving daughter!"
You can't mean it, mommy. You know I've tried my best to love you two. You're too drunk to know what you're talking about.
"I wanted a sweet girl, Haruka. And all I got was a dyke! You're wearing men clothes. Your hair is too short for a girl and I've never seen you with a guy!"
Do you really want to see me pregnant at the age you got me?
Haruka swallowed again and more tears sparkled in her eyes as she watched how her mother reeled over to the window. But she didn't look out. Her hateful sparkling eyes never looked away from her.
"I simply don't like them." Said the tall girl instead and stumbled back as her mother was suddenly next to her and slapped her right into the face. She hadn't expected that fast reaction. Nor was she used to defend herself.
"You don't like me, too. Otherwise you would've been nice to your father and he wouldn't have ran away!"
Dark green eyes looked horrified up and a trembling, blood smeared hand covered the burning cheek. A red spot in a pale face.
"He beat you and he tried to... he was rude to me, too..." whispered Haruka. "He wasn't a good husband. And he wasn't a good father, either! You should be glad that..."
Her mother turned around and searched for something behind the pillows of the old couch. Certainly for another bottle of beer or an old, dirty handkerchief. Or another package of cigarettes.
"Better you leave now, Haruka. Take your few thing and go. And never come back! I don't want to see you ever again in my whole life!" Her voice was angry and determined.
Haruka's fists were clenched as she raised her head. Her face was even whiter than the wall behind her and the tears dried immediately.
"This can't be your seriousness, mommy..."
Her thoughts spun around. Where should she go? She had hardly any money. She was too young to rent an own apartment. She still went to school and had no time for a full time job.
I have no friends. No one I could turn to. No one I could ask for help.
Haruka shook her head very slowly.
No one who wouldn't throw me out at the very moment.
Haruka took a deep breath.
No one who would like me at all...
Haruka's eyes sparkled as she stepped towards her still searching mother.
I won't go to an orphanage. That's for sure!
"It can be, Tenô-girl! I don't want you dyke any more! So get out NOW! You chased him away from me and now you'll have to live with the consequences. So GET OUT!"
Haruka shook her head again and her whole body trembled as she stretched her still blood smeared arms towards her mother.
The woman turned around - holding a gun in her hands. Determinedly she pointed at her daughter with the weapon. It was old but the tall girl wasn't sure if it was broken.
"Never call me that silly word again, you dyke! And now leave. At last! Forever!"
She can't mean it.
Haruka blinked and saw for a few seconds a young woman with a tender smile on her face. She carried a happy laughing girl in her arms.
The vision was gone as sudden as it came and all that remained was an old woman with messed hair, a gun in her shaking hands and a hurt pride.
"You're dead drunk, mommy. You don't mean what you're saying. Put it away and have some rest..." said Haruka calmingly and came again a little bit nearer.
"Stop! Now! Before I'll use it! I know that it works!"
Dark green eyes grew wide and tears of anger and sorrow ran again over a very pale face.
Again she saw the lifeless puppy in the corner. A doggy which had loved her with all his heart and got all her love in return. A love no one else seemed to want.
"You killed my Hercules?" Suddenly Haruka forgot her good manners and the gun her mother was still holding. Her mind tried to warn her that her mother looked very determined. However, her hot temper was quicker. Her temper and her sorrow.
"You lied to me, you murderer! He went away almost one year ago and you killed my doggy, because he loved me the way you've never been able to!"
Haruka stretched her hands towards the older woman who used to be her mother.
"You bloody murderer!"
The woman raised her weapon and her eyes were full of hate.
"You bloody lesbian!" she whispered and pulled the trigger.
The shot could be heard everywhere in the neighbourhood.
The soft music filled the air. It was dark in the room, but she didn't need any notes to look at. They didn't exist for her song. For her feelings.
Full moon shone though the opened balcony door. It was autumn and she froze. But she didn't care.
The clock stroke again in the near kitchen.
Eight o'clock in the evening. Too late. Simply too late.
Her mother had left the light house by the sea four hours ago to fetch up her father from hospital.
What did the doctors tell her?
Again she missed some notes and so she put the expensive violin down on the glass table. She simply couldn't concentrate when she was too nervous.
When I am too frightened.
She walked aimlessly around in the huge house like a ghost and sighed more than once.
What if the results are positive? What if he's going to...
She sobbed quietly and took a deep breath. Then she wrapped her arms around her shaking body and looked out of the open window. The moon was reflected in clear, hot tears.
Normally, she doesn't need so many hours to get to the hospital and back. Normally, it only takes half an hour for each trip. Normally...
She heard the door bell ring. It sounded threatening in the total silence that surrounded her. Nothing seemed to reach her. No rushes of the waves, no screaming of the proud sea birds.
Only that blooding ringing that wouldn't stop.
Why didn't I go with her?
Slowly, she walked over to the door, but her hand trembled too much to open it.
Because she wanted to talk to the doctors on her own...
Finally, she pushed the door open and her heart stopped to beat as she saw the blue lights brightening up the dark, endless night. She shook her head and sea green hair fell over her shoulders.
"Are you Kaioh Michiru?"
She looked down at the police man standing at the ground of the staircase. Her blue eyes grew wide as she saw that he was holding his cap in his hands. Plucking nervously at it. Then she saw the sad and guilty expression in his pale face.
With a loud slam she closed the door and ignored the ringing of the bell and soon the impatient knocking against the wood.
Suddenly, she turned around and ran into the living room.
Automatically, she took one framed picture from the chimney and some tears ran down her white cheeks as she looked down at a loving family. A beautiful woman with long sea green hair and shinning dark eyes. She was embraced by a young man. All his love spoke from his deep blue eyes. Both looked down at a sleeping baby who felt safe and secure in her parents' arms. Fluffy sea green hair covered a tiny head. Tiny arms held a toy puppy tight.
What a lovely family.
Michiru shook her head and more strands fell over her shaking shoulders.
No, it can't be true!
She swallowed hard and sobbed quietly. Her whole body started to shiver as she raised her head. Her deep blue eyes sparkled with sorrow and anger. She was still too shocked to break down. To accept what her heart already knew. During the last hours she played her violin and prayed - in vain.
No, it can't be true.
But she knew that it was.
"Why?" her voice was nothing than a whisper. The fire burning in the chimney tried to warm her but suddenly she was very cold. As if she had to freeze in a winter she couldn't survive. Not alone...
"Why?" she closed her eyes and bit on her lower lip.
"Why did you go away - leaving me behind?"
The picture escaped her trembling hands. Glass broke as it hit the ground.
Broken splinters shimmered in the fire's light like blood...
It was late in the evening. The subway was cold, but empty. Hardly anyone was around. Especially not at a Sunday evening.
However, that was fine for her. So no one would look at her with that look she hated so much. So there wouldn't be any class mates going to their silly dates or to the disco. So she would have her peace at last.
The music in her ears was happy, but she felt sad. Although she wore an old, but warm pullover, she was cold. A bag laid on the ground net to her old, dirty shoes. Her lips moved in silence. Her dark green eyes read in the old newspaper someone else forgot in the subway. Her right hand played with a pen to underline word here and there.
Strange that I once thought that this guy was right...
Nevertheless, she loved that song and so she reached for her walkman to turn the cassette when it was over. Pain flashed through her right arm and she made a face. Very slowly, she opened the black thing and took a careful breath to let the pain go.
At that moment she heard the silent sobs.
She raised her head and saw a sea green haired girl sitting opposite to her. She held her long strands together in her neck and wore an expensive looking white coat. It was clean and her white boots certainly new. A huge bag laid on the ground next to her. But Haruka didn't see it. All she saw was the handkerchief the other girl pressed hard with her trembling hands. And the tears running down a pale face.
What's wrong with her?
Haruka frowned and carefully put her walkman away. Normally, she wasn't concerned about other people. She had enough problems herself.
Does she have such a bloody life, too? But she looks so rich!
The taller girl stood up and was determined to go over to the smaller girl to ask her.
At that moment the sea green haired beauty raised her head and two deep blue eyes looked desperately into dark green ones.
She looks so lonely - just like me...
Both swallowed hard.
"High Bridge Station." The voice from the loudspeaker sounded tired. It was the last subway and almost the last station.
Michiru was pulled out of her trance. She lost her handkerchief as she grabbed her handbag and left the subway. Her fast steps could be heard in the dark, empty night outside.
Haruka stared at the huge bag still lying on the ground and sighed deeply.
The reeling was cold. Almost as cold as it was inside her body. Inside her heart. Inside her soul.
Steam formed before her mouth as she looked down into the river's dark water. It was impenetrable. Wild and raging. But at the same time calm and mysterious.
Just like my mind...
Tears shimmered in her eyes and she leaned a little bit forward.
Down there's peace.
She swallowed hard and some strands of sea green hair fell over her small shoulders.
Down there's finally rest.
She leaned wider and wider over the reeling until her feet left the ground.
Down there's a way to get to my parents.
The rushes sounded appeasing and some tears fell down into the black waves. All she had to do was let go. Let go the icy reeling. Let go the cold life. Let go all those hurting memories.
Down there I won't be alone any longer...
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to say good bye. Just like the two people she loved so much.
"Hey, you've forgotten your bag."
Deep blue eyes opened again and grew wide as she recognized that the low voice wasn't only a product of her imagination.
Haruka frowned as the smaller girl winced hard and turned around in surprised. Quickly, she wiped away some tears from her pale cheeks.
For a moment I thought she'd really jump.
Slowly, the sea green haired beauty stepped away from her.
Don't be silly, Haruka. Not everyone is as desperate as you. Certainly she's only in love with a guy who doesn't want her.
Haruka swallowed hard.
Who should ever not want her?
Michiru recognized the boy who had sat opposite to her in the subway. She looked at the bag in surprise that was held in strong hands. Her bag. Then her face went empty again.
I don't need it any longer.
"Gosh, it's kinda heavy!" said the boy with a sheepish grin and so she took it back with a slight bow.
"Gomen..." her voice was nothing but a whisper.
Haruka sighed quietly and stepped a little bit closer.
Why am I doing this? Why don't I turn around and leave her in peace? To get my subway and maybe to get some hours of sleep before I'll start another exhausting day? Another depressing one...
She didn't find an answer.
"Everything okay?" she asked instead and lowered her head to look straight into watery blue eyes.
She heard the warning voice in her head.
Run away! You don't know him!
But her despair and her sorrow were stronger than every fear in this bloody world.
There's nothing more to fear any longer...
The heavy beg fell down with a loud noise and Michiru wrapped her arms around a slim waist. She didn't even care as she recognized that the strange boy was a girl. She simply pressed her burning face in warm shoulders and searched for comfort.
And started desperately to cry.
For some seconds Haruka didn't know how to react.
I can't push her away.
Haruka sighed and carefully wrapped her arms around a shaking body.
I can't let her go like this.
She couldn't hold the girl any longer in her aching arms and together they went on the cold, hard ground of the bridge.
I know how hard life can be. And I know how much one needs a comforting gesture time by time.
She swallowed hard and pulled the desperately sobbing girl nearer. Automatically, she rocked her and held her tighter as the sobbing even increased.
As I do, too...
"They simply left me alone..." cried the girl and coughed. Michiru grabbed the taller one instinctively harder and shook her head. "They simply left..."
"Hush..." whispered Haruka and felt how the smaller girl held her tighter in her deep despair.
No one ever held me that tight.
"Just let it all out."
When had been the last time that someone needed me?
She didn't know. If there had ever been such a time the people surely hadn't been her parents...
Michiru trembled and buried her face deeper into the warm shoulder - not noticing how the taller girl gasped for breath and winced a bit.
Papa! Mama! Where are you?
She wanted to scream it out loud until she was hoarse. But she knew that they couldn't hear her any more. That they would never ever return home again.
To a home that didn't exist any longer.
At that moment Michiru noticed the warm body next to her, felt breasts under an old pullover, felt soft arms wrapped around her back, felt tender hands stroking calming over her sea green curls.
She smelled perfume. A strange one. Men perfume. And she heard a low, silent voice talking comforting words to her. That she should cry and that she would feel better afterwards.
She was stunned as she noticed that she wanted to believe in those soft words.
And she was shocked as she noticed that she didn't want to escape that warm embrace again.
"Gomen..." she pulled herself free and blushed deeply. "I didn't want... I..." she stammered and blushed even more while she came hard to her feet. She felt dizzy with a sudden and was cold again. Since that hour when she opened the door and saw the policeman she was always very cold.
"Normally I am not so..."
"Hey, it's my task as a good Japanese to comfort little girls." Teased the other girl and bowed. "Always to your service, my lady."
Michiru blushed even more and grabbed her heavy bag.
"Gomen..." she swallowed hard. "... and arigato..."
Without you I would've been very silly tonight.
With a short bow she turned around and walked quickly away. She didn't look back. Therefore, she didn't see how the taller girl wrapped her arms around her slim, freezing body. And that tears sparkled in dark green eyes, too.
The last subway's long gone.
Haruka sighed deeply and suddenly missed the warm body next to her freezing one.
But it's worth to walk the whole way now.
Haruka took her own bag, turned around and went very silently away. She knew that she hadn't been the only one spending comfort...
At the corner she stopped and looked back. But the bridge was empty now. The beautiful girl with so sad looking blue eyes was gone.
Damm! And I don't even know her name...