Disclaimer: I do not own the manly, droolicious, hunkacious studmuffin Sirius or the kind, gentle, ever so kawaii in a book-wormish sort of way Remus. Oh yeah. I also do not own Harry Potter.
Summary: Companion piece to A Very Harry Grocery Scenario. Harry is on his first date ever and everything is going perfectly. Except for the paranoid stalking of his overprotective father and his two partners in crime, Sirius and Remus.
Dedicated to: all the fans of A Very Harry Grocery Scenario and krazi little aus, author of What If? which this fanfic is a spin-off of her fanfic. She has given me permission to write this fic. Thank you, so much!
A Very Harry Awkward Date Scenario
Harry knew they were following him. He knew not because of the shameless way they refused to disguise their footsteps, nor because several women with flushed cheeks had casually strolled by to a certain area behind him muttering something about a "tall, dashingly handsome, rugged-looking man" and his "lesser minions".
Harry knew he was being stalked, before he heard Sirius' boisterous flamboyant flirting…and his godfather's strangled yelp as his father cut him off in his attempt that their position not be revealed.
Harry knew he was being trailed because James had told him straight out he would be.
"FOLLOW ME?" Harry shouted at his father, livid in rage, "YOU CAN'T FOLLOW ME!"
"YES, I CAN!" a determined, equally enraged James Potter declared, "IF YOU TRULY INSIST ON GOING THROUGH THIS RIDICULOUS, MINDLESS CHARADE YOU HAVE SPONTANEOUSLY DECIDED TO ACT UPON, IT IS MY DUTY AS A PARENT TO PURSUE THIS MATTER UNTIL I FIND IT MY SATISFACTION THAT IT BEARS NO ILL-WILL TOWARDS MY SON!"
"James, you are aware that when you use the word 'pursue', you do not necessarily have do it literally," Remus commented, feeling very sorry for Harry and yet feeling very fortunate he was not in his shoes at the moment.
Truth be told, the tawny-haired man had been as shocked as everyone when Harry sat down for dinner and started the conversation with, "I'm going on a date this Saturday."
Remus had been aware of his jaw hanging open for several seconds before he checked himself and tried to smooth over his dumbfounded state.
"Really, Harry? That's wonderful news," he had said, his mind still reeling.
Sirius, as he remembered, had been rendered speechless, until he had got himself under control.
"Ooh, dating already?" Sirius smirked fiendishly at his godson and waggled his eyebrows, "Word of advice, Pronglett, make sure your advances towards her are clear in meaning. However, do not make them too forward, or she'll get scared and run off! The best way to play the game is to act the part of a forlorn, pitiful, love-forsaken creature. Believe me, it reels them in every time: hook, line, and seeker!"
James' reaction had been no surprise.
As Harry had decided to declare his weekend plans right as his father was calmly sipping a bowl of Ramen soup (the only meal he could make without undercooking, overcooking, and also, forgetting to turn the burners on the stove on), he was partially responsible for James choking, spewing the broth out all over the table, and getting noodles stuck halfway down his throat.
The result of Harry's bold proclamation was that for the next two minutes or so, the sole task on everybody's mind was how to stop James from dying of strangulation.
And quite possibly a heart attack, as the man nearly burst of apoplexy, flaying his arms about wildly in fast, furious strokes and attempting in vain to utter his opinion on the matter…which was rather difficult for someone with noodles lodged midway down his throat.
Finally, James extricated himself from his hapless situation by sneezing violently, causing the noodles ensconced down his throat to fly up his nose and…well, one gets a pretty vivid mental idea.
"A DATE?" James screeched, once the Infamous Noodle Disaster was over, "A DATE? YOU CAN'T GO ON A DATE! YOU'RE ONLY TEN YEARS OLD!"
"THIRTEEN!" Harry yelled exasperatedly, "I'M THIRTEEN AND I'LL BE FOURTEEN IN A FEW WEEKS!"
James, however, was no longer listening and going into a self-induced panic attack.
"WHERE, WHERE, WHERE HAVE I GONE WRONG?" he asked himself frantically, tearing at his messy hair, "YOU'RE TOO YOUNG! MUCH TOO YOUNG! I HAVEN'T EVEN GIVEN YOU THE BIRDS AND BEES TALK YET!"
"That's all right," Harry tried to console his father, quite used to James random and rather swift mood swings, "You don't have to worry. Sirius gave me the Talk last summer."
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say and not the least bit consoling at all.
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" James roared, turning a full one hundred eighty degrees and pointing a shaking, accusatory finger at his so-called best friend, "WHAT FOUL, DISGUSTING LIES HAVE YOU FED MY CHILD? WHAT PERVERSE, CORRUPT IMAGES HAVE YOU IMPLANTED INTO HIS HEAD? HOW DARE YOU DEBAUCH MY SWEET, INNOCENT BABY WITH SUCH FACTS OF GRAPHIC HORROR? HARRY, DON'T BELIEVE HIM! WHATEVER HE TOLD YOU, I SWEAR IT'S NOT TRUE!"
"Come on, Dad," Harry tried once more to allay James' fears, "I already had a fair idea of what the Birds and Bees were before the Talk."
Yet again, it was the wrong thing to say.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" James screamed aghast, clutching his head between his hands, before dashing two paces forward to grasp Harry firmly by the shoulders.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAAAAAAAT?" James demanded, shaking his son hysterically, practically frothing at the mouth, "WHO WAS IT? THAT GRANGER GIRL WHO'S ALWAYS HANGING ALL OVER YOU?"
"MERLIN, NO!" Harry shrieked, shaking off his father's agitated grip, losing his nonchalant composure at last, "HERMIONE'S JUST MY FRIEND! BESIDES, I THINK SHE LIKES RON MORE! AND WHAT ARE YOU GETTING WORKED UP FOR? I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! SEAMUS JUST BRINGS THESE BOOKS BACK FROM HIS UNCLE'S AND WELL, THEY'RE MEANT FOR GROWNUPS!"
Poor Harry was bright red after his long charade, partially in anger at his father for jumping to the wrong conclusions and partially in embarrassment for getting caught doing something uncouth.
And James was experiencing another mood swing.
"FIN-NI-GAAAAAAAAAAAN…" James drawled out slowly, his voice dangerously low and dripping with menace.
Harry gulped, sweating nervously and wondered if his glasses needed to be replaced. He could swear his father was enclosed within dark, ominous, swirling clouds.
Remus decided then, that it was best not to let Harry suffer alone anymore and stepped in.
"James, stop thinking up the best ways to mutilate Harry's year-mate. Remember they're all hormonal teenagers. I know you want to get Harry sheltered from the world as long as possible, but you have to realize he's growing up. Now, why don't we all calm down so Harry can tell us who the lucky girl is," Remus stated, putting a bright smile on and hoping it would be contagious.
It seemed as though he was alone in his goal, for Sirius looked as if he'd much rather see James go psycho some more, apparently being greatly amused by the whole fiasco, and Harry looked as if he wished he'd kept his love life to himself.
Ironically, James was the sole supporter of Remus' mission for peace.
"YES, HARRY, TELL ME THE LITTLE WENCH'S NAME!" his father demanded, his eyes glinting maniacally, "I MUST KNOW WHO IT WAS WHO BESOT AND ENSNARED MY SON'S SENSES AND REASON! REVEAL HER IDENTITY THIS INSTANT!"
Poor Harry began desperately looking around for an escape exit, wishing for the first time ever that Voldemort would somehow appear and off him, sparing him from his father's extreme overbearing.
James, his paternal instincts kicking in and screaming at him that his son was about to make a break for freedom, moved in closer to his prey and lowered his head so that his face was in shadows. Then he spoke, "Her name…"
Harry's throat was very dry and his hands, clammy. He sent a desperate, silent plea for help at Remus and Sirius.
His godfather merely pursed his lips and shook his mane of long, shaggy hair, giving his godson a look which read, "You got yourself into this mess; you get yourself out".
Remus looked as if he wanted to help, but Harry knew he respected his father too much to go against him.
There was no way out.
He had no choice
He had to confess…
"CHO CHANG?" James screeched in disbelief, "THE RAVENCLAW SEEKER? THAT GIRL YOU HAD A CRUSH ON LAST TERM? THE ONE YOU WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT? THE ONE WHO-"
"Is a full year and grade above Harry?" Sirius suggested helpfully, grinning evilly at the glare his godson sent him.
"-IS A CRADLE-ROBBER!" James exclaimed, steam shooting out of his nose, as he punched the air dramatically, "THAT'S IT! I FORBID THIS DATE! I WILL NOT STAND FOR MY BABY GETTING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY AN OLDER WOMAN AND HER WILY WAYS!"
"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" Harry howled, unconsciously tearing at his hair as his father had done earlier, "QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I'M A KID! I'M NOT LITTLE CHILD ANYMORE!"
"YES, YOU ARE!" James exclaimed angrily, "YOU'RE MY CHILD AND I SAY YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SORT OF ROMANTIC RENDEZVOUS! NOW GO UPSTAIRS TO YOUR ROOM SO I CAN TUCK YOU INTO BED!"
"AAAAUUUUUUUUUGH!" Harry screamed, so completely frustrated at the moment, that a sudden tremor shuddered through the room and a long, narrow crack split down through the wall nearest to him suddenly.
This seemed to snap James out of his caveman persona and to stare at his son in alarm as Harry panted, feeling slightly drained from the burst of wandless magic.
Remus, realizing the situation was not going to get any better if left up to the two Potters, stepped into the fray once more.
"Prongs, sit," he ordered, pinching James' earlobe and guiding the yelping man into the nearest chair.
"And Harry," Remus warned, "You'd best get your magic under control unless you want Ministry officials swooping down on us. This place may be unplottable and warded, however, sudden bursts of magic coming seemingly out of nowhere will not go unnoticed."
It took five minutes for Harry to calm his raging nerves and magic threatening to break loose, and all the while James sat, confined to his chair, immobile and eyes glazed over in shock, as if full impact of his son's planed date had just hit him.
Guessing that James was not going to be intellectually available any time soon, Sirius figured it was safe to poke his godson for the "juicy tidbits".
"Sooooo," the man drawled out, smirking, "Share with Uncles Padfoot and Moony exactly how this date came about."
Harry glanced at his father, who at that present moment was gazing off into space, trapped in his own mind, and hesitantly spoke, "Well, it was on the train ride home and I'm not really sure what happened…"
The journey had been halfway over and Harry was quite bored. The trio had already gabbered their brains out over every possible conversation that was possible to make, played Exploding Snap until their faces were unrecognizable under the scorch marks, and had their usual farewell taunting by Malfoy. Ron had complained about there being nothing to do, and Hermione had enthusiastically grasped the chance to share with her friends the mysteries of their school by reciting Hogwarts: A History.
Complete with index numbers.
The result had been Ron conking out halfway throughout the lecture and drooling most ungraciously on Harry's shoulder where his head had fallen.
Harry, his ears assaulted by both the shrillness of Hermione's excited voice and the loud noise of Ron's snoring, had escaped by using the rather lame excuse of needing to stretch his legs.
Hermione, seeing straight through his alibi, had made a sort of miffed hmmph sound and turned her head towards the window, pointedly ignoring him. And Ron, who was still sleeping, merely made strange waving motions with his arms and giggled about something funny in his dreams.
Harry had walked down the empty corridor of the train car, feeling a bit deserted when all of a sudden Cho Chang was in front of him and he was no longer alone.
"Hello, Harry," Cho had said, beaming prettily at him, "Fancy running into you here."
Harry had thought that statement to be a bit untrue. It was not so strange to run into another Hogwarts' student here, since everyone was on the same train home. However it was strange that Cho was on this particular car since she and her friends were supposed to be in another compartment three cars down. At least that's what Harry had seen.
Not that he was keeping track of Cho's whereabouts or anything.
In any case, Harry was his usual geeky, tongue-tied self when Cho had greeted him and could only stare at her dumbly.
Cho had giggled at his silence, causing him to flush a deep shade of red. Then the girl had looked him straight in the eye and asked him if he wanted to get together over the summer.
"What? Like a date?" Harry questioned stupidly and immediately wished the train would toss him out a window for acting like some naïve six year old.
"Yes, like a date, silly," Cho had giggled again, and then as he had continued to gape at her, gasped as is a thought had just struck her.
"You don't like me, Harry?" she inquired in a hurtful tone, her eyes shimmering in unshed tears, "But I caught you looking at me all those times this year…even during Quidditch!"
Harry's already red face had turned almost maroon in embarrassment that the girl he had a crush on had noticed his gawking at her, as well as wincing at the mention of him doing it during Quidditch matches.
While most of his team had laughed at him over the antics his crush had caused him, Wood had not found it funny in the slightest. Harry had nearly been pummeled by bludgers and had caused traffic delays for the Chasers by blocking their way, all because instead of searching for the Snitch, he had been rather distracted by a certain dark-haired Ravenclaw Seeker and admiring the style in which she flew.
And also imaging what she would look like flying, if she was wearing her school uniform instead of Quidditch attire.
With the wind making her skirt fly up…
"Harry?" Cho had asked, bringing him back to reality, "Your face looks like it's going to explode. Are you all right?"
Harry had let out a strangled choking sound and sped past her, shouting about needing some air.
Reaching the end of the car, he had opened the door and stepped out onto the small platform, breathing heavily, then cursed his hormones for blowing his probably one chance with the girl of his dreams.
Harry was in the processing of banging his head against the railing, when Cho had stepped onto the platform beside him.
"Sometimes I get train sick too," she had stated, flashing her bewitching smile at him once more.
Harry found himself gaping yet again, his mind lost in a flurry of thoughts, the foremost one being that Cho was returning his feelings, if he was interpreting her actions correctly.
Cho's smile vanished as she was met with silence, and the girl pouted, "Harry, you didn't answer my question. I thought you liked me, and we could go on a date to see if our destinies were intertwined with the stars. Don't you want to tempt fate, Harry?"
Although Harry didn't understand most of what Cho had said, and thought that 'destiny being intertwined with stars' and 'tempting fate' sounded suspiciously like something Professor Trelawney would say, the basic concept was that Cho was asking him out, and if he played his cards right, he might be looking forward to a steady relationship when he arrived at Hogwarts for his fourth year.
And so, for the first time in his life, Harry James Potter was going on a date.
Sirius was bent over double, howling with laughter after Harry had revealed what happened.
"MERLIN!" his godfather exclaimed, pounding his fist on the floor, "SHE ASKED YOU OUT? WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH, OH, QUICK, REMY, DO SOMETHING! I CAN'T STOP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Remus sighed as Harry swelled up like an enraged blowfish, and quickly averted Harry's mind onto another subject before the boy lost control of his magic again.
"Have you decided on where you're taking her on your date, Harry?" the man asked.
"Well, I told her to meet me at the Leaky Cauldron and then I thought we could go out into Muggle London," Harry explained, "I'm not famous there, so there won't be anybody stalking or pointing me out, and best of all, there won't be any photographers from the Daily Prophet ready to take pictures of me and Cho to make headlines the next day."
"Come on, Pronglett," Sirius grinned, finally stopping his laughter, "A little publicity never hurt anyone! It'd be good for your image!"
"Just like the time Rita Skeeter wrote that article over you and Remus being a couple was good for your image?" Harry asked wryly.
Sirius' good mood and humor vanished instantaneously and the man growled in a menacing dog-like manner, "THAT BLONDE BINT! FEEDING THE WHOLE WIZARDING POPULATION HER OWN LUDICROUS FEMALE THEORIES! I'LL HAVE HER COURT-MARSHALLED FOR SLANDER AND LIBEL!"
"You tried that once already and failed," Harry smirked, in his turn for teasing, "What did the court rule now? Oh yes: aggravating the harm. And what was the only way she stated she would take back her words?"
Sirius uttered a spew of profanity so file, that if James were able to break out of his dazed state of mind, he would have landed his best friend a severe blow to the head for saying the curses in the presence of his son.
"Padfoot, just let it go," Remus tried to soothe the man's strained nerves, "The woman is the devil incarnate. You shouldn't let anything she writes get to you. Everyone knows half of what she writes is rubbish."
"SHE WANTED US TO PLAY TONSIL-HOCKEY IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE JURY FOR THEM TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE THERE WERE NO INTIMATE FEELINGS SHARED BETWEEN US!" Sirius screamed, eyes red with bloodlust, "I CANNOT FORGIVE HER FOR THAT! AND I CANNOT FORGIVE JAMES FOR THIS!"
Sirius pointed his wand at a picture frame, hanging in its place of honor over the fire place, where inside rested the notorious clipping of Rita Skeeter's article about him and Remus.
Black And Lupin: A Secret Passionate Love Affair Unveiled! read the headlines.
Harry smiled fondly at the framed article, "Yeah. Dad likes to show it off and read it to guests. Most of them love the part where she goes on about, 'the frustrated howl of a lonely werewolf breaches the stone heart of a dark, demon prince'."
Sirius gave another roar of infuriated anger and attempted in vain to shatter, burn, and banish the frame away, but to no avail.
"Dad put a Sticking Charm on the wall," Harry supplied helpfully.
Sirius halted his made tirade and cast a wild-looking eye upon the motionless, brain-dead James sitting in a chair. Then marching over, the man bodily hauled his friend up and shook him roughly.
"OI, YOU TRAITOR, PRONGS!" Sirius yelled, "TELL ME HOW YOU GET THIS BLASTED FRAME DOWN! TELL ME OR I'LL TAKE OUT THE WHOLE WALL IF I HAVE TO!"
Woken up, at long last, James Potter sprung out of his numb state of mind to declare boisterously, "YES! I HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY THAT WILL MAKE BOTH MY BABY AND ME HAPPY! VERY WELL, HARRY! I SHALL GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO GO ON THIS TEENAGE DELINQUENT FIELD TRIP, BUT I, HOWEVER, WILL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, FOLLOWING YOU!"
Which was the reason, to make an extremely long story short, how Remus found himself trying to appease two wrathful Potters, neither of which could be compromised.
"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO PARANOID?" Harry screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TRUST ME FOR ONCE?"
"I DO TRUST YOU!" James yelled, "ITS THAT CHANG GIRL AND HER WORLDY KNOWLEDGE THAT I DON'T TRUST!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Harry roared, seething in frustrated exasperation.
"SHE'S TWELVE MONTHS OLDER THAN YOU WITH MORE EXPERIENCE AT LIFE! SHE HAS AN ALTER AGENDA PLOTTED AND I WON'T TURN A BLIND EYE TO IT! Hmm, you're right. I can't follow you," James mused out loud, "I SHALL BE THE OFFICIAL CHAPERONE!"
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Harry shrieked in disbelief, his voice cracking at his high pitch.
"No, I'm Sirius," Sirius stated, never tiring at the stale joke.
"Padfoot, not now," Remus said, nervous beads of sweat breaking out across his forehead.
"WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO DEFEND YOUR VIRTUE!" James attempted to explain his decision to his son.
"YOU ACT LIKE CHO'S GOING TO JUMP ME LIKE SOME DERANGED CAVE WOMAN!" Harry shouted, his face so red, it began to take on a purple hue.
"I WOULDN'T PUT THE IDEA PAST HER!" James exclaimed.
"YAAAAH! REMUS, MAKE HIM SEE SENSE, PLEASE!" Harry howled in a helpless fury, fists clenching in rage.
Remus decided it was time to forgo being the passive peacemaker. Occasions such as these opted not for a voice of reason, but for stealthy scheming.
"James," he said, stepping close to his friend, "Wouldn't it be for the best if you let Harry be alone on his date? It would prove to him that you know longer view him as a child, but a responsible young adult."
Noticing that James was about to protest this vehemently, Remus leaned in closer and whispered in the man's ear so that Harry would not be able to hear.
"If you're with them, chaperoning, do you really think the Chang girl will chose to reveal her true colors? No, she will put on act of false innocence, then she will seduce Harry when they're back at Hogwarts. Alone."
James eyes flew open wide at the utter horror of the thought.
So the man had immediately vouched that his judgment had been in error and that his son should enjoy his adolescent years in ill-mannered frivolity, much to the surprise and suspicion of Harry.
Remus thought his plan had worked quite nicely.
However, at the present time, the day of Harry's infamous date, he was seriously having second thoughts on his scheming strategies.
"What did you think you were doing back there, Padfoot?" James hissed in irritation, as he squatted from his position behind a clothes rack, "We don't have time to flirt with Muggles!"
"But, Prongsie, they were hot!" Sirius sniffled, pretending to be dejected.
"SHHH!" James shushed, as he viewed his surroundings with his Omnioculars in search of his prey.
Harry had met with "that soul-devouring Komodo dragon tart", (according to James), at the specified location, the Leaky Cauldron. Then the two had set off through the pub's entrance into Muggle London with James under his Invisibility Cloak and Sirius and Remus under Illusionment Charms, following behind.
It soon became apparent that the "blood sucking, clinging leech", (again, according to James), had been raised in a wizarding community and had no idea whatsoever about Muggle society and their daily functions, as her actions indicated.
Cho had marveled at the speeding cars and the flashing signs and lights all over the city. However, her admiration of a brand new world to her was almost short-lived as she decided to cross the street when the no-walking sign was in usage. Cho had screamed appropriately in fright as several automobiles slammed on their brakes and blasted their horns angrily. Harry had jerked her back onto the sidewalk as fast as possible, where the girl had flung her arms around his neck and proceeded to cry face-first into his chest.
The result was Harry turning bright red in both embarrassment and pleasure, and Sirius and Remus forcefully restraining James (who was irate in rage and frothing at the mouth), from murdering the "sneaky arachnid who lured poor, unsuspecting flies into her tangled web of guises".
The three adults had followed the unsuspecting couple down the streets of London for several blocks, tracking the two teenagers' every move.
Harry, it seemed, was determined to give Cho the full Muggle experience, which was not too hard for him, as he and his father had lived as Muggles for the first six years of his life on Dumbledore's orders. In any event, Harry led Cho all over London as if a guide with a foreign tourist.
At Buckingham Palace, Cho gripped the bars to the gates in awe and marveled at her first glance at the Muggle queen's magnificent estate of towering curves and arches. She also commented it was a pity that Muggles did not know magic was real, otherwise, they would surely know Harry's famous back history and allow them inside.
Harry's response was to laugh embarrassingly, as he had no other reply for that statement, and to rush on to their next location.
At Buckingham Palace for James' group, Sirius mourned the fact that the changing of the guard did not take place outside the gates anymore, because he wanted to test out how long it would take before one of the guards' stone face cracked at his taunting. He also mused out loud that since no one could see them under their Illusionment Charms, it was possible to change into Padfoot, slip through the gates' bars and foil one of the guards that way.
Remus' response was to sigh agitatedly and haul off his friend by the ear after the hastily departing James, leaving behind a crowd of puzzled tourists, wondering where the painfully loud yelp came from.
At the Tower of London, Harry and Cho joined a real tour, where Cho quite enjoyed the Yeoman Warders (or their nickname the beefeaters), in their uniforms. Harry assumed it was because their usual blue attire reminded her of her Ravenclaw uniform and wondered how Cho would have reacted if they had been in their splendid state red attire.
Sirius also quite enjoyed touring the Tower of London, especially the Bloody Tower where he took vindictive delight in using his Illusionment Charm to an unfair advantage, moaning, wailing, and banging objects with hoarse cries about revenge. He managed to cause a boisterous panicked uproar in the tourists, who stampeded out of the Tower, screaming about it being haunted by the two young princes and Sir Walter Raleigh.
James and Remus had each given him two good whacks on the head for that incident. Remus' reason was for Sirius being far too callous and flippant for his age and threatening to reveal their magical hidden presence; and James' reason was for Sirius' voice to be recognized by Harry and for almost blowing his "chance to catch that simpering moon-faced harpy in the act".
At the London Eye, the largest Ferris Wheel in the world, Cho had remarked in awe that the extremely high view was breathtaking and mused if their brooms could climb to the same altitude. Harry's youthful mind, due to this statement, had sprung up another vivid image of Cho on her broom, waving cheerily at him, while mock-gasping in shock, as large buffets of wind whipped through her hair and clothes.
Everyone in the same capsule that Harry and Cho were riding in wondered if the boy with messy, black hair was a bit deranged when he began slamming his head against the hand-railing.
Sirius, in the meantime, was halted from doing anymore juvenile tricks by having to decide whether to halt James from receding into a bloodlust at the spectacle of Cho leaning in so close to his son to ask if was feeling well, or comforting a miserable, air-sick Remus who was petrified by heights.
From there, Harry was all set to take Cho to Westminster Abbey, however, he was halted by Cho pouting and complaining that she was tired from all the traveling around. So, the two took a double-decker bus to St. James's Park, something Cho was familiar with, as she knew about the Knight Bus.
Sirius had grumbled about being put off of one of his more brilliant ideas, that is, his plan to bathe the interior chapel of Westminster in a dazzling light and undo Remus' Illusionment Charm while illuminating his profile, making people believe that they were seeing an angel or an immortal saint.
Remus' response was to scrunch his eyes closed in irritation and murmur that that was the sort of thing that made people like Rita Skeeter assume they were couple.
In any event, St. James' Park was where Harry first realized he and his date were being followed.
Cho was sitting near the pond's bank, soaking her aching feet, while Harry bought two cups of shaved ice. Just after he finished paying the vendor, his eyes fall upon the strange sight of a golden retriever barking vigorously at a portion of empty space several yards away. To say, Harry was not suspicious would be a lie, however, he was most certainly not entirely sure of his supposition. However, when a fallen branch lifted itself up off the ground and flung itself over the dog's head seemingly by its own aid, Harry's suspicions were confirmed.
That and he heard his godfather's familiar barking laugh ring out, followed by two hard whacking sounds, and a muffled yelp.
A storm of sweat broke out across Harry's forehead as well as a few throbbing veins.
How dare they! Harry seethed inwardly. I should have known. 'Enjoy my adolescent years in ill-mannered frivolity' indeed!' You just wanted to spy on me, Dad!
"Harry!" called a familiar voice in a sing-song tone and the dark-haired boy turned to see Cho at the pond's bank waving at him.
"It's sooooooooooo hooot," the girl drawled out coquettishly, as she ran her hands through her hair and lifted her chin up, revealing sweat drops glistening down her neck.
Harry felt his face flush red so fast, he was certain steam was shooting out of his ears. He was aware of his left hand clenching the paper cup so hard, he broke it, letting the shaved ice melt all over his hand.
He was also aware of the savage and enraged growl from the air behind him, and realized suddenly that it was not in their date's best interest to linger alone so long here in St. James' Park.
"CHO, LET'S GO!" Harry exclaimed suddenly, grasping the girl by the hand forcing her to stand up rather quickly.
"What?" Cho asked, confused, as Harry led her along praying feverishly his father wouldn't begin firing hexes due to their clasped hands, "Where are we going?"
"Ummm…to the shopping district!" Harry blurted out, after thinking hard at what was close by.
"Why are you in a such a hurry?" Cho inquired, pursing her lips in a manner that told Harry she was not at all pleased to have her break interrupted.
"Ummm…" Harry thought frantically as they exited the park and came out onto the sidewalk, "You said it's hot, so I thought you would like some AC, plus, I wanna buy you something!"
"Oh, Harry!," Cho squealed in glee as they fell into step with the other pedestrians, "A present? For me! That's so sweet for you to go out of your way!"
Actually, Harry was only wanting to get out of the way from his stalker father and his two partners in crime, so he had figured he would lose them in one of the huge malls in the shopping district. A large crowd of people would make a great cover.
At least that is what he had thought.
Its seems he had severely underestimated the determination and cunningness of Messieurs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.
"Harry, do you think this shade will highlight my skin or tone it down?"
Harry blinked himself out of his hawk-eyed task of surveying their surroundings to see if they were being watched, to glance at Cho stupidly, not hearing what she had asked.
"This color," the girl repeated, portraying a light blue sundress, narrowing her eyes in displeasure at being previously ignored, "Will it embrace my complexion or not?"
"Er…" Harry said blankly, not understanding Girl Talk in the slightest.
The clothes rack a few yards away seemed to shake slightly.
Harry whirled about to stare hard at it.
It was not moving at all. Maybe he had been imaging it.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Harry," Cho stated exasperatedly and bit irritated, "Just stay here. I'll try it on and see if I like it or not."
Harry watched the girl vanish from sight into the dressing room and wished he hadn't promised to buy her something before. They had been in the Lakeside Mall for over two hours, had visited several different shops, and after Cho had recovered from the shock of realizing Muggles mass produced the same color, size, and type of clothes, the girl had begun searching for the Perfect Present.
Harry was beginning to suspect that Cho was putting off finding it, simply so they could visit more of the mall.
It seems wizarding girls were not that different from their Muggle counterparts.
Harry sighed, wondering what was taking so long for Cho to decide if she wanted the dress or not, and cast bored eyes upon a rack that held assorted scarves.
The red one was particularly eye-catching. It reminded him of Ginny Weasley's hair color. He wondered if she would look good in that color.
No, Ginny needed something to "embrace her complexion". The green one would be better…
Harry froze rigidly. Why was he thinking about Ginny Weasley all of the sudden?
Sweat broke out on his forehead as he became a bit unnerved.
Then Cho finally made her exit from the dressing and all hell broke lose.
"Whaddya, think?" Cho asked, smirking almost devilishly at him as she posed in the skimpy black bikini she had taken to change in secretly.
Harry was aware of his lower jaw gaping wide-open and the feeling of his eyes nearly bulging from their sockets.
Oh, and the clothes rack he had thought he had seen shaking earlier, exploding clothes everywhere.
"James, get a hold of yourself!" Remus hissed as he and Sirius managed to pin the inconsolable, irate man to the floor of the department store.
The trio had forgone the Invisibility Cloak and Illusionment Charms when they had entered the mall, due to the massive amount of people there. The last thing they had needed was to make a scene by people bumping into something they couldn't see and cause an uproar. Therefore, they had followed the couple from a distance and hidden wherever they could.
In this store's case: the clothes rack, which they had barely managed to escape to another location without being seen, after James had violently scattered the clothes in an impressive fit of rage.
They were now currently hiding behind an aisle of shoes, holding a struggling James down and peering around the corner to see the damage they had left behind.
The sales woman and her assistant stood in bewilderment in the heap of clothes strewn about them, positively baffled about what had happened.
The Chang girl seemed not to have even noticed the exploding clothes rack, perhaps believing it was a common Muggle occurrence.
Harry seemed caught up in a mixture of alarm and suspicion aimed at the clothes rack, and embarrassed admiration and absolute shock at his date's present choice of attire.
"I'LL KILL HER!" James raged, clawing at the air as he attempted in vain to get out from under Remus and Sirius, "I'LL KILL HER DEAD! LIKE WITH A ROCK OR SOMETHING!"
"Shut up, James. They'll hear you," Sirius tried to explain reason, covering his friend's mouth with his hand.
James bit down on it hard.
"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!" came Sirius's pained scream, louder than James' shouts had been, as he stumbled backward into the shelf shielding them from view, causing them to be buried beneath an avalanche of shoes.
The sales lady and her assistant scurried over to view what had caused this new disturbance, and upon seeing three men tangled together in a heap with an assortment of various styled high heels swimming around them, complete chaos occurred.
"JAINA! CALL FOR SECURITY!" the manager shrieked red-faced, the after her assistant had scramble for the store's phone, turned her wrath on the three unfortunate wizards.
"NO! I WON'T HAVE IT! NOT IN MY STORE! OUT! OUT! YOU GET OUT, DISGUSTING PEEPING TOMS!"
"But-" Remus protested, trying to explain.
He received a solid bop on the nose from a purse nearby the sales woman had managed to grab, and went down yelping.
"OI! HOW DARE YOU HIT MOONY!" Sirius had cried, leaping up in outrage, and grasping tightly to the sales woman's purse, so she couldn't use it as a weapon anymore.
The mall security police arrived on the scene, just as the sales woman began screeching about perverted molesters and sexual harassment.
"HELP! MURDER! RAPE! POLICE!" the sales woman screamed, flailing her arms frantically, as she stumbled backwards from a gaping Sirius, leaving him clutching the purse.
By then, all the customers in the store had either frozen in place or had fled the scene, screaming about armed shoplifters.
The security officers, consisting of a group of four, began racing across the store's length towards her and the unfortunate trio.
James, however, had had enough it seemed, and finally had snapped his last nerve.
"IF YOU WANT TO ARREST SOMEONE FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT, THERE'S YOUR CULPRIT!" James shouted shrilly, pointed a furiously shaking finger at Cho who, ever since the sales woman had first began her incriminations upon Sirius, Remus and James, had been clinging to a beet-faced Harry in surprise and alarm.
"Take the boy!" one of the security officers ordered, and James received the biggest shock of his life as he watched one of the security officers grab his son's arms and attempt to handcuff him.
"OI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" James screeched, rushing over to stop the act, "NOT HIM! HER! THE BLACK-HAIRED DAME NEXT TO HIM! THE ONE WHO IS INDECENTLY EXPOSED!"
James was tackled around the waist halfway to his goal by one of the guards and slammed hard to the floor.
"DAD!" Harry yelled, trying to wrestle away from the officer holding him.
"Settle down, junior!" the security officer ordered, restraining him, "Since it's probably your first offense, you might only get ten years! So quit resisting arrest!"
"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT! NOW I'M MAD!" Sirius exclaimed, quite vexed at the sight of his friend and godson being mistreated unjustly, "EAT MY STILETTO HEELS, COPPERS!"
Suffice to say, the two security officers who were left wide open were just as surprised as everyone else in the store when Sirius caught them dead in the face with killer long stiletto heels, apparently the only weapons he could find at hand so quickly.
James elbowed the officer holding him down in the stomach, while his captor was caught off guard by his comrades' fate. The security guard went down wheezing, and James shot up and sped to his son's aid.
"UNHAND MY CHILD AT ONCE, YOU VILE RASHER!"
The security officer holding Harry was left to the swift task of deciding whether or not to hold onto an adolescent boy or to defend himself against an on-coming enraged adult.
Since, by that time, James had picked up a belt along the way on his mad rush and was whirling it about his head like some sort of lasso, the decision was a no-brainer.
The security officer tossed Harry aside like a piece of drifting seaweed and took a defensive stance against his opponent.
"Beware! I know…KARATE!" the security officer warned doing several variations of tai-chi moves.
James stopped in mid-rush, took one look at him, stated, "Oh the heck with this!", hurled aside his lasso-belt, and drew out his wand.
"James, don't!" Remus yelled, wondering how he always ended up in situations like these.
The last thing they needed on top of causing such a major disturbance, was to receive a visit from the Ministry of Magic's Removal Squad. They already had had enough run-ins with them in the past, and he had no idea how much patience the Ministry had.
However, James's wand's appearance had caused another chaotic commotion as the security officer who knew KARATE gasped in horror, pulled out his walkie-talkie and shouted into the speaker, "ALERTING ALL UNITS! ALERTING ALL UNITS! WE HAVE A CODE RED IN SECTION 3! SEND FOR IMMEDIATE BACKUP! REPEAT! SEND FOR IMMEDIATE BACKUP!"
"What the-" James said, staring at his wand, then at the security officer as if he were stupid.
"He thinks you have a remote for a detonator, Dad!" Harry explained, getting up way he had been most ungraciously thrown.
"AH! YOU ADMITTED IT!" the security officer who knew KARATE cried, turning his attention to Harry, "YOU'RE THEIR PARTNER IN CRIME, AREN'T YOU?"
It was at this time when Remus paused and took a good look around and viewed what was happening. The two officers who had received the stiletto heels in their faces as a gift from Sirius, were ducking more of the flying pointing objects that he was chucking at them, while the security guard who knew KARATE was having a nervous breakdown over the fact that James seemingly had a "detonator" in his hands that could cause an explosion somewhere within the mall, and the guard James had elbowed in the stomach…where was he?
"TALLY-HOOOOOO!" the remaining security officer cried as he once again tackled James from behind, and James found himself flat on the floor again for the third time this very, very long day.
"AAAAH! THE DETONATOR!" screamed the security officer who knew KARATE, as James wand rolled out of his grasp. The guard made a wild dash towards it.
"DON'T TOUCH THINGS THAT AREN'T YOURS!" Harry yelled, shoving a nearby clothes rack into the path of the security officer who knew KARATE. The guard crashed into and toppled over.
In the meantime, one of the two security officers dodging Sirius' killer stiletto weapons, made a final last resort and dove forward, head-butting the man in the stomach, causing them to collide into a standing display of hair accessories and go down under a flurry of pink barrettes and shiny headbands.
The second guard who had been dodging the shoes took this chance as his initiative to take revenge on his tormentor's friend, and leaped at Remus.
And Remus very calmly snatched up a perfume bottle from the table next to the now destroyed shoe aisle and sprayed it into the officer's face.
"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHH!" the guard yelled, rubbing at his eyes, yet still managing to pull out his walkie-talkie, "CALLING ALL UNITS! CALLING ALL UNITS! THEY'VE GOT MACE! THEY'VE GOT MACE! SUSPECTS ARE ARMED! REPEAT! SUSPECTS ARE ARMED!"
The rest of the mall's security squad burst into the department store at that very moment then.
"EVERYONE FREEZE! ON THE GROUND" yelled the squad leader, and the poor unfortunate souls who still remained in the store were left the deciding which command to follow.
"BUGGER THIS! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" Sirius exclaimed, having knocked his assailant unconscious, by jarring the officer's head into the wall, "I'LL OBLIVIATE THEM ALL!"
"SIRIUS, NO MAGIC!" Remus cried and Sirius hesitated…for only two seconds.
Then Sirius picked up a rain poncho from where it had fallen on the ground from James' earlier explosion of the clothes rack, swiftly put it on himself, walked a few steps forward to face the legion of security officers, waved his hand and stated very seriously, "We are not the perverts you are looking for."
The security officers were silent for a minute, then…
"PUT YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND LIE DOWN!"
Sirius gave Remus a sheepish smile and said, "Well…it was worth a shot, hehe"
Harry should have never let Sirius watch Star Wars when he and James were living as Muggles.
"So, let me get this straight," the policeman stated, after everyone involved in the now Infamous Department Store Incident had been brought down to the local Muggle police station. "The three men who caused the scene in the department store are your father and his friends?"
"Yes," Harry said from the table where he was sitting, which was the only object besides the chairs in the room.
"They're not terrorists?"
"They're not shoplifters?"
"They're not perverts?"
Except for Sirius, Harry added silently.
"And the 'detonator' was not really a detonator at all, but a wooden stick?"
"And why do you, your father, his friends and your girlfriend all carry these wooden sticks around?"
"Ummm…Greenpeace?" Harry tried.
"Greenpeace," the policeman repeated dubiously.
"Yes, Greenpeace," Harry stated, trying to sound more confident, "Each wooden stick is a different wood than the other because…we're trying to support the safe harboring of different varieties of trees instead of selfishly harvesting and cultivating them for the government's own profit."
Wow, listening to Hermione make speeches of her knowledge really paid off.
"And why did such a grand-scale commotion break out if your father and his friends are not terrorists, shoplifters, or perverts?"
Because my father is obsessive, compulsive and more paranoid than Mad-Eye Moody, Harry thought irritated.
"Ummm…" Harry drew a blank at what to say.
Seriously, how could he explain what had happened without it seeming like his father and his two best friends were deranged? They'd get shipped off to an asylum, and Harry would get dumped at his mother's relatives' house, whom he had heard, were not very nice to magical people.
Luckily, he was saved by answering such a question by the door opening and Kingsley Shacklebolt entering the room.
Harry didn't know how or why Kingsley Shacklebolt knew about his and his father's current situation, however he was extremely overjoyed to see him.
"Okay, I'll take it from here," the wizard addressed the policeman.
"And just who are you?" the officer inquired, extremely disgruntled at having his interview interrupted and feeling his authority challenged.
"Officer Shacklebolt of the Thirteenth Divison. I'm here to take in a Class Six," the black wizard stated in deep, slow voice.
The policeman's eyes turned as wide as saucers at that remark and he whipped his head around to gaze at Harry and gasp.
Shacklebolt came over next to him and placed a firm and heavy hand on his shoulder.
"Come, young one. Do not cause this man any more grievances."
The police officer continued to stare and gape at them as they made their way to the door.
"Do not worry," Shacklebolt addressed the officer for one final time before the two exited, "We have this situation under control now. You've done a good job for someone who did not realize what they were dealing with. My division will take it from here."
Harry's last sight of the policeman was his face doing a rather good impression of a goldfish, before Shacklebolt closed the door on him.
"I'm really, really sorry, Cho," Harry apologized once Shacklebolt had reunited him with the rest of the group which the Muggle police had arrested.
It seemed that every person taken into police custody was entitled to one telephone call, even suspected terrorists/shoplifters/perverts. Luckily Sirius had a cousin Andromeda, who was married to a Muggle-born wizard, and therefore had access to a telephone. She also, very conveniently had a daughter Tonks, who was a young Auror and a college of Shacklebolt who had contacted him, when she heard of her relative's plight.
James had caught Harry up in a tight hug, clenching his son's head fast to his chest, and vowed how he was going to sue the striped trousers the officers who had intimidated and frightened his baby boy.
Harry, once realizing that everyone was safely out of danger from reprimand by the Muggle police and the Ministry of Magic, (since Shacklebolt had declared he had convenient lapses of memory), had given his father quite a large piece of his mind for not only ruining his date, but also for creating such a so big a disturbance in the department store and wrecking it with chaos and havoc.
James was currently sulking in a corner, sniffling tearfully of how his son hated him, as Sirius absently patted him on the back, while he and James in turn, received their own lecture from Remus for "egging on the security officers".
"Really, Cho, I'm sorry," Harry repeated, "I didn't know my father was-well, yes, I did know he was following. That is, I suspected he would try that. I wasn't sure, though, but I promise, I never thought he would go as far as he did in the store! Honestly, he's never gotten the Muggle police involved in his antics until today. Usually, it's just the Ministry!"
Cho, in the meantime, had changed back into the outfit she had worn when she had first met Harry at the start of their date. Thankfully, for her sake, no skimpy black bikini was anywhere in sight, otherwise James might have had another insane episode. Presently, the girl was dealing with the situation she had found herself like any other person would.
"Listen, Harry, I don't think this is working for us," Cho stated very matter-of-factly, swishing her slick black hair over her shoulder, as she stared at Harry out of the corner of her eye.
Harry supposed he should have felt crushed, upset, or shocked, yet he found himself completely unsurprised at this sudden revelation.
"Is it because my father's obsessive, compulsive, more paranoid than Mad-Eye Moody, an raving lunatic, and the mere idea of having him for a potential father-in-law terrifies the living daylights out of you?" Harry inquired in one breath.
Cho stared at Harry fully now, as if he were the crazy one.
"Harry, where did you get the idea that I'm going to marry you? I'm only 15!" the girl exclaimed, her voice rising several octaves.
"Ah, not so loud!" Harry yelped frantically, covering Cho's mouth with his hands, "He'll hear you and get the wrong impression!"
However, it was too late. James had heard, and he was back in Full Parental Mode once more.
"SO THAT'S IT!" James shouted triumphantly, springing up from his sulking corner to point at Cho and laugh in maniacal glee, "YOU ONLY WENT OUT WITH MY SON TO CATCH A POTENTIAL HUSBAND, YOU PRETENTIOUS, VIXENOUS MAN-HUNTER!"
"DA-A-AD!" Harry screeched, a multitude of angry, throbbing veins popping out on his head.
Cho, it seemed however, had had enough.
"WHO IN THE WIZARDING WORLD WOULD WANT TO GET INVOLVED WITH YOU AND YOUR INSANE FAMILY?" Cho screamed in retaliation at James, "I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GREAT! I'D GET MY PICTURES AND NAME IN THE DAILY PROPHET, SO THAT ALL THE HIGHER YEAR BOYS AT HOGWARTS WOULD BE FIGHTING THEMSELVES OVER ME! BUT INSTEAD, I GET HAULED AROUND MUGGLE LONDON AND END UP IN A BATTLE BETWEEN THE CRAZIES!"
"SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS!" James roared, "SIRIUS AND REMUS ARE NOT CRAZIES!"
"She was talking about you," Sirius and Remus voiced in unison.
"So, you only went out with me to become famous," Harry said, slowly grasping the situation at hand, "And you didn't enjoy our date at all?"
"I DON'T DATE SHRIMPS AND I'M NOT A BLOODY TOURIST!" Cho shrieked, her usually reposed appearance becoming slightly unhinged. Now she looked some deranged harpy on the path of blood-lust.
"I'm not that short!" Harry protested, feeling utterly humiliated at how he was being dumped in public, especially in front of his father, who was no doubt, cackling inwardly with glee at how his previous suspicions had been correct.
"No, but you did treat her like some sight-seeing tourist and you were her guide," Sirius pointed out, shaking his head dramatically, "That wasn't very romantic."
"You didn't even attempt to kiss me!" Cho accused, "Not that I would have wanted to kiss you, but still-everyone else I've dated, has had no problem kissing me five minutes into our date!"
Harry could feel his face growing redder by the second. Was dating really this complicated? Did all girls transform into homicidal, freakishly scary monsters when dates occurred? Had his mother been like this with his dad?
Actually, that might explain a lot of James' behavior.
"THERE WILL BE NO KISSING OR ANY OTHER FORM OF ACTIVITY GOING ON IN MY PRESENCE!" James screamed, his face changing color to an obscene purple.
"YOU!" the man raged, beckoning to Shacklebolt, who had been watching the whole reuniting and dumping scene with silent interest, "TAKE THIS CHANGITY-CHANG-CHANG THING BACK TO WHEREVER IT CAME FROM!"
At this Cho gave an enraged haughty screech and raised her wand in an attempt to fire some potentially dangerous curses, hexes, and possibly even a few Unforgivables. Fortunately Shacklebolt had the foresight to stun the girl before James found the excuse he needed to conveniently wipe her existence off the face of the planet.
Hell knows no fury like woman's wrath.
"How was your summer, Harry?" Hermione greeted Harry when stepped into his and his friend's usual compartment on the Hogwart's Express.
"Yeah, we hardly heard from you," Ron piped in, "What happened?"
"Nothing happened," Harry stated briskly, "It was a very boring summer."
"HARRY! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! DON'T HATE YOUR FATHER!" James' voice could be heard howling miserably outside the train on the platform, "DADDY WAS ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT HIS BABY BOY! WAAAAAH!"
Hermione and Ron blinked at Harry as beads of sweat and several small veins broke out across his head, and tremors of irritation racked through his body.
A small first year girl bumped into Harry suuddenly, and gasped when she saw the scar on his forehead. The tell-tale reactions of hero-worship were recognized when stars seemed to sparkle from her eyes as she spoke in an awe-filled voice.
"I'M HARRY POTTER, I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A DATE FOR A VERY LONG TIME, IF EVER, STAY AWAY FROM MY FATHER IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, AND RON, BE VERY CAREFUL AROUND HERMIONE WHEN YOU TWO ARE ALONE!" Harry exclaimed abruptly, dashing out of the compartment swiftly, leaving behind three extremely bewildered people.
The Hogwart's Express's horn tooted loudly, signally the train's departure, but even that raucous noise could not block out James Potter's anguished wail:
"MY BABY HATES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
A/N: Sorry it took so long for the sequel to come out. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as the first. Once again, I give credit to krazi little aus for allowing me permission to do another fanfic from her fanfic What If? Don't ask what Shacklebolt's 13th Division is or what a Class 6 is. I have no idea either XD. Also, I'm American, so I had to do some research on the locations and attractions of London, England and also the usage of British terms. Hopefully, I used them all correctly. And as for what I did to Cho, well, I do love a good Cho-bashing what can I say? Please, everyone who read this fic, share your favorite parts and ones that made you laugh. It will give me great joy! Thanx!