Disclaimer: I own nothing but my warped imagination. The Potterverse belongs to JKR and her capitalist lackeys in the printing and entertainment industries.
A/N: Just a short drabble when I had one too many tequilas one night and listened to one too many really bad jokes. Do you recognize this one?
What REALLY Happened
Platform 9 ¾
Harry looked around as he stepped off the Hogwarts Express. This would be the last time that he would take this ride, at least as a student. He might someday return as a teacher, if He-Who's-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated did not kill him in the near future. It had been a trying year and Harry was glad to be quit of it.
Harry, Ron and Hermione had been in and out of the castle so much this year that Hogwarts might as well of had revolving doors. One at a time, they had searched out Voldemort's Horcruxes and destroyed them. Even with their abbreviated schedule, they still had time for Hermione to prep them for their N.E.W.T.s. Quiddich had to go by the wayside, they just had no time for it. It had not really bothered Harry, but Ron had been inconsolable. It had been just the past week that Harry had destroyed Voldemort's final Horcrux, the teddy corset belonging to Rowena Ravenclaw. It was a sad state of affairs pointing to the scarcity of Ravenclaw's relics. At least, as Ron had pointed out, it wasn't Godric's teddy.
He turned around to give a farewell to his friends, hugging Hermione and clapping Ron (very manfully of course) on the back. Ron clapped him back.
"Are you sure that you don't want to come back with us to the Burrow?" Ron asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I am just going to find a beach somewhere and enjoy myself for the first time in my life. I'll catch up with you guys in a couple of weeks. If you don't hear from me in 3 weeks, send Hedwig out to find me."
"Harry," said Hermione. "Promise me that you won't go off by yourself to confront Voldemort."
With that, the three went their separate ways, Ron and Hermione out to join the Weasleys, and Harry apparating to Diagon Alley.
In front of The Leaky Cauldron
Harry had just left the Leaky Cauldron after stopping at Gringotts to withdraw a bag of cash which he had exchanged into muggle pounds sterling. Now dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, he waved down a taxi and climbed in, his trunk shrunken down and in his front pocket.
"Where to, mate?" The taximan was a large, florid man, almost the size of Uncle Vernon, but without the crappy attitude.
"Do you know of a good travel agency?"
"I know of one that a lot of people use. I've never had the chance to use it, but of course that takes more money than I can afford. Want to try that one?"
"Sounds good to me." The two made small talk for the duration of the ride, then Harry paid the driver and gave him a nice tip. Inside, Harry was guided to a young lady who quickly convinced him of the superiority of the beach in Monterosso, Italy. In less than a half hour, Harry had his airline tickets and confirmed reservations for a villa to use for the two weeks that he would be on holiday. A quick trip to Herrod's to pick up some appropriate clothes, and Harry was off to the airport.
The next two weeks were absolute bliss for the boy who never had anything. He spent the entire two weeks getting a nice tan, swimming in the warm water, and enjoying some of the finest seafood in Europe. He collected shells and interesting small pieces of driftwood, and even found an interestingly shaped blue bottle wedged between two rocks while he was snorkeling. It was with a bit of sadness that he climbed aboard the airplane back to London.
Back at Heathrow Airport, Harry ducked into a restroom stall and apparated to 12 Grimmauld Place. It was while he was unpacking that he came across that blue bottle. He attempted to remove the stopper, but could not get it out. He shrugged and wiped off a spot of mud before putting it on the mantle. It was at that point that the stopper shot out of the bottle and a blue smoke began to come out of the bottle.
Harry cursed and dove toward his trunk to retrieve his wand, planning to banish the bottle and its strange smoke. When he turned around however, there was a short, fat man with pantaloons and a vest sitting cross-legged in front of the bottle…. In mid air.
"Who the bloody hell are you?" Harry asked, all the time holding his wand on the man.
"You're kidding, right? I mean, who hasn't heard of djinns in bottles? Were you expecting the Avon Lady?"
"Djinns? Is that anything like a Genie?"
"Same thing, different language. What's with the stick, anyway? You some kind of wizard?"
"Uh, yeah. So, is it true that you guys give out wishes?"
"More or less. It all depends on the type of curse that was used to create us. I am a Reciprocal Djinn. That means that I still give 3 wishes, but whatever you receive, I grant your worst enemy double that. And they have no idea how they got it. So, who is your worst enemy?"
"No competition. That would be Lord Voldemort, once known as Tom Marvolo Riddle. He has been attempting to kill me my entire life. He also killed my parents and is responsible for murders all over the country."
"Sounds interesting. This is why I love my job. My 'clients' go absolutely when they realize that their enemy gets double what they have. A bit of cosmic justice in most cases, but I am looking forward to seeing what you wish for. Will it be money? Real Estate? Women?"
"Hmmm… I am already wealthy. I have properties that I have never even seen. Can I get back to you tomorrow on this?"
"Hey, I got nothing but time. Have a good sleep on it and when you are ready, just rub the bottle." With that, the djinn turned back into smoke and went back in the bottle, the stopper resealing itself.
St. Mungo's Hospital
The next day
"Ron, what if he never wakes up? What will we do then? What will Ginny do?" Hermione was sobbing. It was at this point that there was a groan from the bed and the heavily bandaged figure opened his eyes.
"R-Ron, Hermione? What are you doing here? And where is here?"
"Thank Merlin, you're alive!" Hermione's face clouded. "You absolute PRAT! You promised that you wouldn't go after Voldemort without letting us know!"
" 'Mione, I didn't…. exactly. What happened to Voldemort?"
"As if you didn't know. He's dead. Not just dead, but almost unrecognizable. The aurors on the scene lost not just their lunches, but also their breakfasts and the previous night's suppers. The whole wizarding world is celebrating. All of the marked Death Eaters died with him. We are finally free!"
" Yeah, Harry. It was wicked. Almost half the Ministry just dropped dead. After aurors found their Dark Marks, they figured out that Voldemort was dead. They tracked a huge burst of magic and found the Dork Lord, and Bill found you at Grimmauld Place. How did you do it?"
To his stunned and somewhat disbelieving friends, he recounted his vacation and encounter with the djinn. Hermione piped up. "What did you wish for?"
"Well, I never really experienced the love of a parent, so I asked the djinn to let me feel that. Tom, of course, felt the love of two parents. I then asked for the honest love of a beautiful witch, thinking of Ginny. Where is she, by the way?"
"She is just outside with Mum and Dad. She has been inconsolable. We finally had to force her out for a bit. But you already had her love."
"I know, but I realized that Dumbledore was right. Love is the 'Power the Dark Lord Knows Not'. All of that love I felt, when it was directed at Voldemort, greatly weakened him. Who was with Voldemort?"
"Narcissa Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange. Rather disgusting, but to each their own. What was your third wish?"
Harry grinned evilly and drew his friends close. "I asked the djinn to beat me half to death!"