Summary: What Sam might have thought about in his last moments on earth.
I can't tell you what a relief it is to see you, but then you look the way I feel, so maybe you understand. I suddenly think about what you must have been going through, these past few days. I never meant to disappear on you again, and even though it wasn't in my control this time, I am sorry.
You're still too far away from me, I want you here, now, so that I can know that you are real. I need to feel you here, need to know you came. extent.
I watch, confused, as your expression changes to one of alarm, and suddenly you're yelling. "Sam look out!" you scream into the cold night, but I can already feel him there behind me. The attack is sudden, and for once I can't seem to fight back. I can feel the knife in me, can actually feel the dirty blade twist in my back as you run towards me. I should have killed him, and I curse myself silently for my inability to defend myself to the greatest extent.
But I am not a killer Dean, and that's not how I want you to remember me.
My knees meet the ground as I sink, my very breath seems stolen away. The water and mud seep through my jeans and suddenly I feel colder than I was a second ago. I can feel the blood leaking out of me and yet I can't even bring myself to panic.
In a second you're here with me, on your knees in the mud. Your hands fist the front of my jacket and I can't stop myself from falling against you. "Sam!" you say, but all I can do is slump against you as you try to pull me up. Dean, you're always saving me. "Sam! Sam! Hey, come here. Come here, let me look at ya," you say and I can tell you're panicked. Dean, now where's that game face I pretend not to notice? I can feel your hand on my back and I feel a little better. I know your hands will be stained with my blood, but I can't remember why that's important.
You face me again…and lie. "Hey, look, it's not even that bad. It's not even that bad, alright," you say and I can't help but look away from you, using only my eyes. I can't even find the strength to turn my head. I can't stand it when you lie to my face Dean, you should know that.
You yell my name again and it seems like a prayer on your lips. I'm dying, I can feel it. It tastes like blood and feels like sleeping, and you know…I'm not even scared. You're here, you're with me. At least you'll be with me in the end. I just hate that I can't even find the strength to say something. Goodbye, I love you, remember me, but then what would that do really? I'd still be gone and you'd be left with empty platitudes. No this is better, I've made up my mind, and it's a good thing too, because it's getting darker.
"Sam!" you yell again, and Dean why are you yelling at me? It's getting colder. I can't remember ever being this chilled. You shake me roughly while waiting for me to reply. Sorry Dean, I won't leave you with famous last words.
"Listen to me, we're gonna patch you up ok?" you say and oh god, you sound so scared. Don't be scared for me Dean, not now. I'm ok, really. I have you right here, exactly what I wanted for the past day or so. I got my wish, and I'm ok. Just stay with me.
"You're gonna be good as new," you say and I feel my head loll on my shoulders. Dammit, I'm slipping. I'm not ready to slip, not yet. I wish I could believe you Dean. I wish we could just go back.
"I'm gonna take care of you," you say and I think, no Dean. Not this time, I'm sorry. But you know I'll always be yours, your Sammy.
The color fades and the world goes away and I try to hang on to your voice, but I can't hear you anymore.
So goodbye, I love you, remember me, your Sammy.
That was painful to write, let me tell ya. I just rewatched part one of the finale and wondered what Sam might have been thinking as Dean talked to him and held him, and this came out of it. So ya, review if you like, and I hope you enjoyed it.