A/N: I don't know where the hell this idea came from. It just kind of popped into my head as I was supposed to be studying for the AP US History exam so I decided "screw this! It's time for some KuroFai lovin!" And, because this is a humor fic, I'm leaving out the bit about Fai being all lame and angsty and calling Kurogane by his full name. In fact, I'm ignoring quite a few of the new plot points so that this story will work out…I have to warn you, however, there is just a touch of angst in this fic to enhance the "fluff factor".
Eye of the Tiger
"Ouch! Could you be a little gentler, please, Kurorinta? It's still pretty sore," Fai implored, jerking his head away involuntarily in pain.
"This is getting freaking ridiculous!" Kurogane growled, holding Fai's head still to keep the blond from squirming. "This is the third damn time today! You forced me to do it five times yesterday! I'm sick of it!"
"Aaah! Not so rough!" Fai begged, squirming even more in Kurogane's grip.
"Would you quit screwing around and hold still?!" the ninja snapped.
"Ouchy…you're so mean to me, Kurochii!" the magician complained.
"…There," Kurogane said finally. "I'm done. Now don't touch it or it'll hurt even worse."
Fai's fingers drifted reflexively to the Band-Aid that the swordsman had just applied to his forehead and he winced and gasped as they touched the sore spot.
"Tch! Were you even listening to me just now, you idiot?!" Kurogane snapped, grabbing Fai's hand and pulling it away. "I said not to touch it!"
"I can't help it, Kuropon," the mage replied with an apologetic grin. "It feels weird, having something stuck there."
"Jeez… This wouldn't even have happened if you would just watch where you were going," Kurogane huffed.
"Well, it's tricky to watch where you're going when you only have one eye," Fai pointed out. "I seem to have trouble judging distance now."
Kurogane lapsed into a thoughtful silence.
"Mm?" the sorcerer leaned a little closer so that he could see Kurogane's face. "Kurowanwan looks like he's thinking hard."
"…It might be the only way…" Kurogane muttered, mostly to himself.
"The only way for what, Kurotan?" Fai asked, tilting his head to one side.
"…Where's that manjuu?" the swordsman demanded, getting to his feet with a determined look on his face. "I need to talk to the witch."
"Yuuko! The other Mokona is trying to contact you!" the black Mokona squeaked, hopping up and down excitedly.
"Y-Yuuko san! P-please--" Watanuki sputtered frantically.
"This is rather inconvenient timing," Yuuko sighed, clicking off the electronic razor.
"Yuuko san!!" Watanuki begged. "HEY!! DON'T IGNORE ME!!"
"Very well; I will accept the call," she said, ignoring her employee's futile protests.
"Nooooooo…" the boy groaned. He quickly turned away so at least whoever was contacting Yuuko wouldn't be able to see who he was. Even doing this, this scene was going to look pretty damn awkward.
The witch's face came into view, looking slightly irritated, though frankly, Kurogane didn't really give a shit if she was irritated. She could have purple tentacles coming out of her nose and he still, though slightly weirded out, wouldn't really give a shit.
"Witch, I have a…" Kurogane stopped in the middle of his sentence and surveyed the view that was projected before him, his mouth open in a mixture of shock and trepidation. The witch was sitting on her back porch, an electronic razor in hand, and in front of her sat what appeared to be either a boy with an unnaturally hairy back or a half-naked yeti, neither of which Kurogane found to be an especially appealing prospect.
"What the hell?" he asked, in spite of himself.
Yuuko laughed at Kurogane's look of revulsion. "My part-timer got in the way of a bad spell. Now what was it that you wanted to ask me?"
Kurogane shook himself out of the half-naked-yeti-induced daze. "I have a wish."
"Go on," Yuuko said.
"I want you to give this guy," he gestured forcefully at Fai, "a replacement eye."
Behind him, Fai started. "Eh?! What are you doing, Kuromin?!"
"Just a normal one?" she asked. "It can be done."
"But there's a price," Kurogane said shortly. "I know that. Just say it."
"To purchase a replacement eye, you would have to…" Dramatic pause. "Take Fai's curse onto yourself."
Fai, if possible, looked even more horrified by that suggestion. Kurogane glanced over his shoulder at him as though he were trying to see Fai's curse and gauge whether he deemed this a worthy exchange.
"I'll do it," he said determinedly.
"Kurosama! Don't!" Fai shouted.
"Hey! Shut up, you!" Kurogane snapped. "This has nothing to do with you so just stay out of it!"
Yuuko, Fai and even Watanuki all stared at Kurogane.
"…What I meant was…my mind is already made up and nothing you say is gonna change it."
"You realize that you will suffer once this deal has been made, right?" Yuuko said seriously.
"OF COURSE I DO!!" Kurogane snarled. "THAT'S THE PURPOSE OF A CURSE!! I'M NOT STUPID!!"
"…Then why, Kuropun? Why are you doing this?" Fai asked in a pained voice.
Kurogane didn't look back at him. "Because…it's what I've decided to do."
There was an awkward silence before Yuuko put a hand to her cheek, sighed and voiced the thing that everyone else was thinking but was too afraid to say. "Well, isn't that romantic?"
"HEY!! DO YOU GIVE ALL YOUR CUSTOMERS THIS MUCH CRAP?!" Kurogane shouted, blushing. "ARE YOU GONNA GRANT MY WISH OR NOT, BITCH?!"
"Very well," Yuuko said with a smirk. "I will grant your wish."
"Kuropon! No!" Fai begged. He was too late, however; the transaction was already under way.
There was an odd popping sound, and Fai flinched as his previously empty eye socket was suddenly occupied by a new eye. It was a rather disgusting sensation, to tell the truth. With trembling fingers, Fai reached behind his head and slowly untied his eye patch. He had to admit, it was a huge relief to be able to see normally again although the ecstasy was overshadowed by dread. Why did Kurogane have to be such a stubborn idiot?
Her work finished, Yuuko terminated the connection between her and the two men, leaving behind another horrible silence.
"Did it work?" Kurogane asked finally, though he still didn't turn to face the magician.
"…Yes," Fai said faintly.
"…I don't feel any different. What kind of curse were you under anyway?"
"'Before falling in love, remember this…your will shall be chained with true love's first kiss,'" the blond muttered to himself.
"Eh? What are you muttering about?" Kurogane growled, turning to Fai at last.
When their eyes met, there was a loud noise, like the single peal of a bell. Fai hardly had time to think about what was going to happen before Kurogane tackled him, pinned him down to the bed and pressed his lips roughly to the mage's. The mysterious clang sounded again, twice this time. The two of them remained in that position until Fai pushed Kurogane off and sat up with a heavy sigh.
"Kurokuro… for being a highly intelligent warrior, you sure are foolish sometimes," he scolded lightly.
"What the hell…? Wh-what's wrong with me?" Kurogane demanded. "Why can't I move?! And why the hell did I just kiss you?!"
"That would be the curse, I'm afraid," Fai explained with a small apologetic grin. "See…if you fall in love with someone who is stronger than you magically, the curse forces you to kiss them and once you do that… you're totally bound to that person's every whim. That's why…I didn't want to get close to anyone…"
"Wait…what?!" the ninja sputtered.
Fai laughed and lied down beside Kurogane, so close that the tips of their noses were touching. "From now on, you're pretty much my slave, Kurochuu. You can't do anything unless I give you spoken permission. Nothing at all."
Kurogane's eyes went wide with horror and his face paled as the sorcerer's words sunk in. "Wait a minute… if I can't do anything without you saying so, then how am I still talking and breathing?" he asked slowly.
Fai shrugged slightly. "The rules of the curse are complicated. Even I don't understand them completely. But from what I've gathered through my experiences…it's based on the amount of effort required. Speaking, breathing, blinking… those things take very little physical effort. Therefore, you are still able to do those things even if I don't tell you to."
"…So…you're telling me that I can't even move unless you tell me to?"
"You can't move, you can't eat, you can't drink…you can go to the bathroom, but you'll have to let me know when you have to do that if you actually want to make it to the bathroom," Fai said. Then he smiled wickedly. "You're also subject to any request I make of you… so if I tell you to jump off a cliff, you'll do it, whether you want to or not. That said, I suggest you do everything I say without complaint if you want me to go easy on you."
"How…how long does this slave-thing last?"
"Well…either until I say you're free or until your magical power somehow surpasses mine. Since I'm pretty sure the latter won't be happening any time soon, we'll just say it lasts until I release you."
Kurogane gulped and lapsed into another horrified silence.
"Hmm…" Fai mused, snuggling against the helpless ninja. "What shall I have Kurowanta do first…?"
"Hey. If you knew that I would be forced to do whatever you told me to after I took your curse, then why the hell did you try to stop me from making the deal?" Kurogane asked.
Fai stared at him for a moment, then laughed again. "Because I knew that if I didn't make some attempt to change Kuroru's mind, he'd be all mad and say 'why didn't you stop me?!'"
"YOU SELFISH BASTARD!!" Kurogane raged.
"Now…how about giving me a back massage?" Fai grinned. "I might as well make the best of this curse since it's too late to change anything, right?"
The blond turned his back to the swordsman and removed his shirt. Grumbling sullenly, Kurogane sat up on the bed and put his hands on Fai's smooth, pale shoulders.
"Gently now, Kuromun," Fai instructed, sounding rather smug.
Glaring daggers at the magician's back, Kurogane began to gently rub his muscles. Fai purred and closed his eyes.
I guess I failed already, huh? I promised myself that I wouldn't tell so many lies from now on, but… I just couldn't tell Kuronta that the reason I tried to stop him was because I wasn't sure if he was really in love with me… and that I couldn't stand the thought of him being bound to Tomoyo hime this way…You haven't changed at all, have you, Fai? You're still just as selfish as you've ever been, aren't you.
"What is it?" Kurogane asked, a tone in his voice that could almost be described as concern.
"Hmm?" Fai said, opening his eyes again and looking over his shoulder at the ninja with a smile.
"You shivered just a second ago."
"Oh…it must have been because Kuronpyu is so good at this."
…I went and told another lie…Kurosama knows it…I have to put more effort…into breaking this habit…
"Fai san…" Sakura said hesitantly. "Wh-why has Kurogane san been carrying you around all day? You're not hurt, are you?"
Fai giggled. "Don't worry, Sakura chan. It's nothing like that. Kuropopo just loves me so much that he decided to become my slave and obey my every command!"
"Eh?!" Sakura squeaked, her face turning red. "Is…Is that true, Kurogane san?"
"Nod," Fai whispered so that only Kurogane could hear. His grin widened when the swordsman was forced to obey, though he did so scarlet-faced and scowling.
"I told you, Sakura!" Mokona chirped. "It's love-love!"
"Now, Kuropon, I'd like to take a bath before we go to bed. Set me down on the couch and start filling the tub, would you?"
Gritting his teeth angrily, Kurogane obeyed, stomping off to the bathroom to start the bath.
"Extra bubbles, please, Kuromyuu!" Fai called after him gleefully.
"But…if Kurogane san is doing this because he wants to, then why does he seem so angry?" Syaoran asked nervously.
"Oh, don't worry about him, Syaoran kun," the wizard said playfully. "Your daddy's just a little shy so he doesn't want to admit that he's enjoying himself."
"I'M NOT SHY AND I SURE AS HELL AM NOT ENJOYING MYSELF!!" Kurogane shouted over the roar of running water.
"Hush now, Kurorin!" Fai called.
Kurogane hushed, but only because he had no other choice.
"You have everything you need, so let me go," Kurogane muttered through clenched teeth as Fai tested the water temperature with his finger.
"What are you talking about Kuromin?" the blond asked sweetly. "You're going to take a bath with me, remember?"
"H-HUH?!" Kurogane sputtered.
"Oh, didn't I tell you?" Fai giggled. "Oops, silly me. Must've forgotten. Now, Kurowanko, I can't take a bath with my clothes on."
Kurogane blushed furiously. His body was moving without his brain's permission, but that didn't stop his hands from trembling as they began slowly removing the mage's shirt…
Even though he had just taken a bath, Kurogane somehow felt dirty as he carefully helped Fai put on his fleece pajamas and towel-dry his damp blond hair. It didn't help when Fai smiled and held up an identical pair of fleece pajamas in Kurogane's size.
"Now we match!" Fai trilled happily. "Go ahead, Kuronpu; put them on. Then carry me to my bed."
Kurogane grudgingly did so and then scooped Fai into his arms and carried him to his bed.
"Lie down, Kurochan," the wizard said softly. "I want to cuddle with you."
The ninja crawled under the covers next to Fai and pulled him close, breathing in the pleasant scent of his silky, clean hair. I'm…not enjoying this… Kurogane told himself sternly as his heartbeat quickened. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him.
"Yes, Kurorinta?" Fai said sleepily.
"…That guy you're running away from…were you…bound to him by this curse?"
Fai's eyes snapped open. He unconsciously clutched the warrior's shirt.
"…For how long?" Kurogane asked.
"…Years…" Fai whispered.
"He…made you do some pretty bad stuff, huh?"
The mage said nothing but Kurogane knew from the way his grip on his shirt tightened further and the way he bowed his head in shame that he had guessed right. Then another terrible thought occurred to him.
"That's not… the reason you're so damn skinny, is it?"
Again, Fai didn't reply. The ninja felt a hot bubbling anger rising up in his chest towards Fai's former captor.
"Can we…please not talk about this anymore…Kurosama?" the sorcerer whispered, a current of unspeakable pain audible in his voice.
"…Fine. It's none of my business anyway," Kurogane mumbled. He wanted to pull Fai closer and stroke his hair soothingly but since he couldn't without being told to, he had to settle for having him so close but not quite close enough.
Kurogane was a ninja, had been a ninja all his life. He had seen countless battles, received thousands and thousands of injuries. But honestly, thinking back, he couldn't remember any of those injuries being as horribly excruciating as this. This had to be the ultimate agony in the universe. Give him flaming arrows to the face, a sword slice to the side, hell, even a shower of boiling tar. Those things were infinitely preferable to what he was currently enduring.
He could feel perspiration breaking out on his skin as he ground his teeth against his terrible pain. And Fai, the bastard, was sleeping, snuggled warmly up against him, completely oblivious to the suffering he was causing. Kurogane glanced at the clock. It was already nine! The stupid mage never slept this late normally! Once he was free from this damn curse, he swore he would kill the bastard. Just when Kurogane had almost reached his breaking point, Fai slowly opened his eyes and looked up at him.
"Are you ok, Kurotan?" he asked groggily, rubbing his eyes. "You don't look so good."
Kurogane blushed and bit his lip. In spite of his anguish, he still couldn't quite make himself tell Fai what he needed.
"…Oh," Fai said, finally understanding. He grinned. "You can go to the bathroom, Kuropin."
The warrior couldn't contain a sigh of relief as he hurriedly disentangled himself from the sheets.
"Good morning Fai san!" Sakura and Syaoran said in unison.
Mokona bounced happily into Fai's arms. "Good morning Sakura chan, Syaoran kun!"
"Oh! I'm sorry! Syaoran, Mokochan and I already ate all the food I made for breakfast!" Sakura said apologetically. "What would you like? I'll make you both something!"
"That's ok, Sakura chan," Fai replied easily as Kurogane entered the kitchen. "Kuromin already said he'd make breakfast for me. I'd like an omelet, please, Kurochin. With cheese and bacon."
Kurogane gave the magician a death glare before he started for the refrigerator to dig out the ingredients.
"But…we're out of eggs," Sakura told him. "Sorry."
"Hmm…" Fai mused. "Well, I guess Kurokuro will just have to lay one! Go on, Big Puppy!"
"What the hell? Are you freaking—" Kurogane stopped dead, a look of pure disbelief on his face.
"What's wrong Kurogane san?" Syaoran asked worriedly.
Without a word, Kurogane reached a trembling hand down the back of his pants and produced a large crimson egg. Fai was the only one who wasn't stupefied by this. He just clapped his hands joyfully.
"Hyuu! What a pretty egg! Nice work, Kuronpyu! We might be needing a few more, though. Do you think you could come up with those, Kurosama?"
Kurogane's eyes widened again in horror. He quickly set down the egg that was already in his hand and produced several more from the same place.
"That'll be enough, I think," Fai said cheerfully.
Kurogane, feeling very relieved now that he had stopped laying eggs, numbly set about making the omelet that the magician had ordered.
"Don't use that last one, Kurowanwan," Fai said hurriedly before the ninja could crack it. "I want to hatch it."
"Huh??" everyone said at once.
"B-but, Fai san…" Syaoran stammered. "What will come out of it?"
"I don't know, Syaoran kun," Fai said excitedly. "I've never hatched a Kuropiko egg before. But whatever it is, I hope it's as cute as its daddy!"
Kurogane snarled warningly as he flipped the bacon.
Being Fai's slave was extremely tiring, even for Kurogane, the conditioned warrior. He'd been forced to comb Fai's hair, give him a manicure, take him out shoe-shopping, stop for ice cream on the way home, make a detour to the playground, push Fai on the swings while being watched by a group of young children who looked torn between amusement and discomfort at the sight, give Fai a piggyback ride back to the house, cook dinner for him, help him into his pajamas and carry him to his bed. By the time the wizard allowed him to lie down by his side, Kurogane was completely exhausted. He fell asleep almost immediately, not even noticing the bright red egg that was snuggled firmly between himself and Fai.
This went on for several days, though it didn't take Kurogane long to lose count of exactly how many had gone by. As strange as it seemed, he was growing used to this way of life, although he certainly didn't like it. But it did have its perks. These included getting to curl up next to Fai every night, though Kurogane had no intention of letting the blond know that he considered this to be a perk. He knew it must have been a long time since they began this servant thing, though, because one night, the egg began to hatch.
"Look, Kuropyon!" Fai squealed. "Our baby is being born!"
Kurogane was too curious about what would come out of the egg to get indignant over Fai referring to it as "their baby".
"Oh, how sweet!" the magician chirped, scooping the "baby" into his arms. "Just what I always wanted! And it looks just like you, Kuromun!"
Kurogane frowned as he studied his offspring. It was a miniature plush doll of himself.
"Nice," he said dryly. "What are you gonna do with that thing?"
"Love it forever and ever," Fai gushed, hugging it tightly as he crawled under the blankets.
Kurogane rolled his eyes and stood at his bedside, waiting to be told to lie down.
"Do you want to go back to your own bed, Kuropii?" Fai asked quietly, his eyes hidden from view by his copious bangs.
The warrior snorted. "You ask me that like I have a choice."
"…If you did have a choice, would you?"
Kurogane blushed. "Well, the TV said it was going to be cold tonight, didn't it? I guess I'd stay here…otherwise you'd just bitch and moan the next morning that were cold all night and you'd blame it on me."
Fai looked up at him, his eyes glimmering, and smiled. "You're so sweet, Kuronpyu. Here, lie down."
Kurogane acquiesced, snuggling up to the sorcerer and holding him tight.
"Would…would you…" Fai sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. Good night, Kurorin."
"If you want to say something, then say it."
The blond hesitated. "…Would you…kiss me?"
"…There you go, acting like I have a choice again."
Fai thought for one terrible second that Kurogane was going to ignore him until he felt the ninja's lips press gently against his, with a warm tenderness that he never would have thought was possible coming from Kurogane.
"That was pretty low of you," Kurogane growled quietly. "Forcing me to kiss you like that."
Fai laughed. "Silly Kurochan."
"I released you from my service two days ago. All this time, you've been acting on your own free will."
Kurogane sighed. "Yeah…I know. I just hoped you wouldn't notice."
A/N: I don't know… what do you guys think? It really wasn't that funny, was it? Poop. I've been in such a terrible rut lately.