What Women Want

Disclaimers: "What Women Want" is a movie starring Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt, and Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Watsuki-sama and more rich people than me. Don't sue, it's a parody. A P-A-R-O-D-Y. Thank you. It's only PG rated because of Sanosuke's language, of course. Other than that, no hentai or explicit scenes. *sighs* On with the show!


Chapter One-- What the hell did you just say?
By: Karina Kineshi

Why did it have to wake me up so early? The sun was already shining at full strength through that paper door, and I was about to curse it to the nine hells for interrupting my sleep. I was having the most marvelous dream too... Well, it's obvious who was in it. Like in all my dreams, the onna sensei had been the star. "Damn..." Dreams have a funny way of fading from your memory the moment you wake up. This dream was special, one that I wanted to remember.

Lately, all my dreams have been about Megumi. Why is that? Forget that, I knew why. Although she's a vain, self-centered, sarcastic woman, there's something underneath her that just draws me to her. I can't really explain it, I guess the best analogy I can think off is the way a magnet is drawn to pointing north. I'm just drawn to her. The more I try to stop thinking about her, the more I do. The more I see her face, the more I want to see more. Always more, it's even invading my dreams for God's sake!

Fully awake now, and slightly pissed off, my stomach just chose this time to whine at me. Being mad always brought out the hunger in me... I put on all my clothes and slid the shoji open, stepping into the crisp morning air. Hopefully, if I walked around enough, I could remember what was it about that dream that made me so happy.


That's when the weird things started to happen. I was walking down that dirt street in front of the Akabeko, still trying to remember that damn dream. I didn't even notice anyone until the crowd suddenly got a lot louder. No, this wasn't normal conversation anymore, it's like women were screaming.

Women screaming? I hastily scanned the street for any sign of trouble, maybe some drunkard had thought he could have his way with a weaker woman. I remember growling, then running into an alleyway.

Nothing there.

I shook my head, the chattering was still there, only it was louder and seemed to be coming from everywhere. I turned and looked around, but everything was normal. The early morning bustle of Tokyo had commenced, women were haggling over prices with the local vendors, children were playing in the street... it was all very odd. Even odder still, the noise level had increased even though there were the same number of people in the street. No one else seemed to be hearing it or sensing anything out of the ordinary, so I shrugged and strode to the Akabeko.

Great, just great... Not only can't I remember my dream, I'm hearing voices.

I was so caught up in my own little world that I ran straight into an old woman carrying a basket of fruit. The impact had knocked her off her feet, and she was in the dirt looking at the fruit strewed all over the road.

"My God... I'm so sorry..." The woman was so frail, it looked like I had broken her. She sat there for a little while, then looked at me with burning eyes. I'll never forget what she said next.


"Excuse me?" I stared in disbelief at this woman, a respected elder of our community, and she just called me a... motherfucker? And that revelation was nothing compared to the one I had next.

Her mouth never moved.

"That's quite alright, could you just be a dear and help me pick up these things I dropped? I'm so clumsy today..."

//Lousy men of today, think they can run over you without a moments hesitation. Why, this guy is almost as bad as my husband...\\

I couldn't be imagining this. The voice was distinctly female, and sounded exactly like hers, only...

Her mouth never moved.

I numbly began to pick up the three apples and the watercress that she had dropped, and replaced them in her basket.

"What's the matter hon? You look like you've seen a ghost."

//Gods, he turned all pale like a bloody ricecake!\\

This is not what I needed right now. I'm having delusions, yeah, it must be the stress lately. Maybe it was the frustration of not being able to get close to Megumi. I nodded. Yes, it was stress. It had to be. No other explanation for it. "I'm fine, I'm not the one who got knocked over." I meant for it to sound convincing, but it turned out that it sounded more like a squeak.

//So are you just going to stand there looking at me in the dirt?\\

I helped her to her feet and picked the basket up from the ground. She received it with a small smile.

//Well, that's better... \\

She promptly tried to feel my forehead. "Good heavens child... you need a doctor..."

I couldn't help but laugh at this comment, there's only one doctor that would ever work for me. "You're right. I do need to go see a doctor. Can you direct me to a good one?" I figured, if this whole delusion had me what I thought I was doing, I might as well test my theory.

//Well, there's the woman doctor... Takani...\\

"Well, there's the woman doctor... Takani Megumi is it?"

I nodded, maybe I can pry some more information out of her. "Takani Megumi? A woman doctor? How can that be?"

//What, can't women be doctors? It's just that kind of attitude that is dampening our women's spirits... my, he's almost as egotistical as my husband...\\

The woman frowned. "Despite what you think, she's a very good doctor. So far, I haven't heard a single complaint from—"

Whoa, this lady was about as feministic as they get. I decided that talking to her might be dangerous to my health, so I ended our conversation with a "I didn't say there was anything wrong with women doctors, I was just saying that there should be more of them out there. You know..." I bent in closer, as if divulging some secret. "Women are a lot better suited to most things then men anyways."

The old woman smiled and started to walk away, an extra spring in her step. Her smile had literally pulled up the corners of her wrinkled face; she looked almost youthful again. "Bye sir, and do get yourself checked!"

//What a nice young man, we need more people like him in this world. Too bad I couldn't marry someone like him...\\

This had me stunned beyond all measure. All around me, I could hear voices, women's voices, chattering away in their minds.

//Dammit! I wanted three shoots of ginger, not two!\\

I looked around for the owner of this idea, and found her. She was red-faced and arguing with an old man who was running a market stall. She insisted over and over that the prices were ludicrous and that the old man liked taking advantage of girls.

//And so, the guy says to me, let's have dinner by the lake! It's so romantic...\\

The woman who thought this was strolling down the street with a basket, face slightly flushed. I walked into the Akabeko with skepticism, surprisingly calm for someone who just found out that he can hear women's thoughts. It seemed sacrilegious to be prying into women's minds, but I couldn't help myself. All the things I could learn! Bank account numbers... recipes... why, I would be the guru of knowledge! Since they do seem to say what they want, I can fulfill their fantasies and become the most popular man on the block! I pictured in my imagination sitting on a gilded chair with beautiful women hanging all over me and feeding me grapes.

You know, this might not be so bad after all.

I obviously was going into my own world again, because Tae tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was alright.

//He's looking paler than usual today...\\

There it was again. This proved it. I could hear women think. I asked myself, what have I done to deserve this? But... another part of me is saying, fuck reason! I've got the gift, and now I can do whatever I want with it. "Nothing's wrong. Hey, can I have a ricebowl please?"

She sighed. "Are you even thinking about paying off your tab one of these days?"

I winked. "Hey, have I ever let you down?"

//Sagara Sanosuke keeps his word. I'll get the money... someday...\\

Tae smiled and motioned for Tsubame to come over. "Tsubame-chan has something to ask you to do for her, please be supportive ok?" The waitress flashed another smile before disappearing into the kitchen, probably to make my rice.

"What's up Tsubame?"


//What did Tae tell you? Please, don't say she said...\\

"Tae told me that you wanted me to do a favor for you."

Shit! I realized that she hadn't asked me what Tae had told me, that was the work of her mind. Thankfully, she didn't notice the slip-up. I was going to have to be a lot more careful with what I say.

//Well, it's about Yahiko-kun...\\

I sighed and smiled at the little waitress. "It's about Yahiko isn't it?" She blushed and hid behind her ever present teatray, the redness flushing into her cheeks. A mischievous grin was creeping over my face. "You might as well tell me Tsubame... because I'm going to find out anyways..." I meant for the first part to be louder than the last, but they both came out with the same tone. Another mistake.

But it seemed to spur the little waitress into action. "I made something for him... can you give it to him?" Her face never left from behind her teatray, and she reached into her pocket. "Can you give this to him?"

//I spent so much time on it...\\

It was a small paper dragon, delicately folded and made of gold and silver. It was about the size of my hand, and it was hard to get paper of this quality. Not to mention expensive. I breathed as she dropped it into my hand. "It's... so pretty..." I couldn't help myself. The gangster Zanza, speechless at the sight of a paper dragon.

If my friends could see me now...

"So... do you think Yahiko-kun will like it?" She put her tray down and stared at me, but the blush was still there.

//He has nice eyes... just like Yahiko's...\\

Gods. This was evil. I felt so scummy after hearing that last thought, I wondered if there was a way to turn it off. Right, turn off your mind. The fox doctor will be absolutely thrilled at that. As if she was recoiling from her own mind, she stammered, "Because if he doesn't, I can always use it as decoration here, and maybe I can try again some other time, and..."

Why would she think that Yahiko wouldn't like it? Do all females think that little gestures of love will be rejected by their male counterparts? If so, why? Maybe it was because women nowadays hardly do anything for men, hearing that old woman on the street was proof. Women were more scared or intimidated by men than love. Society has done this, and dammit, it was wrong! What I would give to be a child again, where such acts were heartfelt and they didn't have the pressure of society looming over them.

And so innocent too...

I must have decided at that point that if Yahiko didn't like it, I would pound the kid into tomorrow. "He'll love it. I know it."


"Really?" her eyes twinkled, but her mind was racing. I couldn't pick out any specific thoughts, but the main one seemed to be... flying.

She was flying. I smiled.

"Ne, Tsubame-chan?" Tae returned, this time with a bowl of rice for me. She put a hand on the girl's shoulder. "How did it go?"

The girl had a smile that lit up her entire face, just like the kind I had seen on the old woman earlier. "He'll do it, and he said Yahiko would love it..." Tsubame realized she was speaking it loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear, and everyone looked at her with amused eyes.


Tsubame ran into the back area of the restaurant, blushing furiously. I smiled at Tae, this was such an experience. I had to tell someone.

Tae looked ruefully over her shoulder. "She spent all of her waking moments on that dragon... it would crush her if..." She didn't finish that and set the bowl down on the table. It didn't matter, I knew how it ended without even hearing her mind. "Well, you heard her, eat your rice and go to the dojo already. They should be coming here for lunch today, and no matter what I do, I can't get Tsubame to show her face..."

//She really likes him.\\

"She likes him that much, you know..."

I nodded and scooped the rice into my mouth. For some odd reason, I really wasn't that hungry now, but courtesy demanded that I at least finish the bowl. A sigh escaped my lips, then I laughed. "How anyone can ever love that kid is beyond me." I joked about Yahiko being one of the most annoying people in Japan, but in all actuality, he was a pretty decent kid. We pretty much had the same past, I guess it connected us to know that we both had it rough. I liked to think of him as a younger brother, we had the same bond that me and...

I choked on my rice.

//My God! Sanosuke!\\

Tae raised her eyelids in alarm, her eyes emerging from their eternal veil. What a sight I must have been, coughing and sputtering rice.

I don't think I can take anymore of this...


Before I knew it, I was toddling down to the Kamiya Dojo, dragon carefully perched in my palm. There were hardly any people outside now, I guessed it was about 12 o'clock. They were all probably inside serving breakfast to their husbands, and escaping the midmorning heat. Something prickled at the back of my neck, but I choose to ignore it. I welcomed the silence, it gave me a chance to think about my situation. In truth, I liked these long walks. It gave me a chance to step back and examine my life. I hadn't done that since Sagara-taichou was still with me. I stopped, that had been the cause of my choking at the Akabeko. When I admitted that Yahiko and I shared almost the same bond that the boss and I had.

I felt myself going soft. Had.

I continued to walk. What of this whole women nonsense? I just woke up this morning, and there it was, I could hear their minds. Yeah, it was a gift, but how did I get it? And all of a sudden like this? Would it stay with me? Is it just a fluke in the system? I also considered the fact that I was going crazy, but I felt perfectly normal. Maybe it was something I ate the night before. Maybe it was some leftover sake in my body. I sniffed; it doesn't matter how I got it, the simple reality was that I have it. And if it is a fluke, or a one day thing, I'd better get on my way. I smirked and cracked my knuckles. I meant to test my newfound talent on the one woman's mind that was the hardest to read.

Takani Megumi's.


Author's notes: Oh. Dear. God. *passes out* Later, I plan to incorporate some Kenshin x Kaoru, some Tsubame x Yahiko, and of course, some Sanosuke x Megumi =) This will be my first chaptered fic, please R&R so I know if I should continue this thing or not... Lemme hear you say "Hell yeah!" *raucous cheers*

Ahem... thanks for reading!