Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.
A/N: I wrote this because I re-read PoA and remembered how much I loved the "Together?" "I think so." parts. These are a series of vignettes from Sirius's entire life. When reading, keep in mind that a lot of stuff happens in the time between.
He couldn't understand why all the other kids were wearing normal clothes, dare he say Muggle clothes, and his mum had made him wear his scratchy dress robes. His cousins aren't in stupid dress robes. They're older, he's told. They know better, he's told. Well if Sirius knows anything at eleven it's that no one wears dress robes to ride a train for eight hours!
The house elves starched his collar too much and it is digging into his throat. He can't breathe.
"Sirius! Stop that!" his mother shrieks at him. He was trying to wiggle his fingers into the tight space between neck and dress robe. "What's your problem?" She lets go of Regulus's hand to grab Sirius's. "We are in public. Do not make a scene, do you hear me?"
Sirius nods, wide eyed and jolted by his mother's yells.
"Merlin," she sighs. "Orion, isn't it time to get him out of here?"
Sirius watches his father pull an ornate gold watch from his breast pocket. "Yes." He turns and looks down at Sirius. "Son?" Orion gets down on one knee in front of him and for a moment Sirius thinks he's going to finally hear everything Andromeda tried to tell him about Hogwarts, about how great Hogwarts is. He smiles wide.
"On the train," begins Orion, eyes burning into Sirius's. "Do not sit next to any Muggle-borns or Mudbloods, is that understood? That is wrong behavior and will not be tolerated." He puts a heavy ringed hand on Sirius's shoulder. "And owl us as soon as you get into Slytherin." Orion smiles. "So we can inform the family."
"Yes, Father," says Sirius. Then, on an impulse, he leans forward so that his smooth cheek is pressed into his father's beard. "Can I please change my clothes? On the train? Please?"
Orion pushes Sirius back. "Technically I can't see you, so…" he trails off, smiling in that secret way Sirius sometimes sees his father do.
"Time to go, Sirius," his mother's harsh voice rings out. "On the train."
He doesn't say Bye, though he nods at Regulus as he passes him. He doesn't say Goodbye because he already knows he's going to see them again.
Sirius gets in line behind a small boy with unremarkable brown hair and patchy pants. He's a mudblood for sure, thinks Sirius, and he raises his chin slightly because that's what he's been taught to do.
As soon as they're on the train, Sirius and the boy in front of him are pushed roughly against the wall. "Out of the way, Sirius!" Sirius looks up to see Bellatrix, with Narcissa giggling madly over her shoulder. Bellatrix leers down at him. "Mum is out of her mind if she thinks I'm going to ruin my last year babysitting your little ass! Better watch your step, cousin!" They stomp away and Narcissa pushes the brown haired boy as she passes him.
Sirius watches his cousins walk away. The two cousins his parents want him to grow up to be just like and even better. And then he looks at the thin boy next to him, bag spilled open on the floor and holding the back of his head.
"Are you OK?"
The boy shrugs. "Better get used to it, right?"
Sirius's face springs back in shock. "What?"
"Nothing," the boy whispers softly. He starts to bend down to grab his things but Sirius moves like lightening and beats him to it.
"What's your name?"
"I'm Sirius. Those were my cousins, but don't mind them. All the women in my family are crazy."
Remus grabs his bookbag back from Sirius and gives him a sideways kind of look. "But not the men?"
For the first time Sirius can remember, he tilts his head all the way back and laughs until his entire body is shaking. Little Remus Lupin next to him looks like he can't decide to laugh with him or back away.
Sirius recovers and punches Remus's arm lightly. "You're funny."
The floor below them begins to vibrate and the train whines long and loud, roaring into life. "Come on Sirius," says Remus. "We better find somewhere to sit."
Sirius doesn't move. He looks right into Remus's eyes. "Are you a pureblood?" he asks.
Remus pauses, but shakes his head no. He turns and starts to walk down the aisle.
Sirius watches him walk away. He knows better, he does. But then he remembers what his father said, "Technically, I can't see you", and he hurries to catch up to Remus.
Towards the back, Remus and Sirius look into the only compartment so far with its door still open and see a boy their age with messy black hair munching happily on Bertie Bott's. "We can sit in here," says Remus, turning to Sirius.
Sirius stares at him. "Together?" he whispers.
Remus smiles, a little confused. "I think so."
"There, Sirius!" Remus pulls him over to the middle of the wall and not until Remus falls to his knees does Sirius see the tiny cupboard door.
"No one is coming, Remus!" He pulls a crisp from his pocket, booty from another well executed kitchen raid.
Remus looks up at Sirius with a pale face and rounded eyes. "Can't you hear that? Footsteps!"
Sirius can't hear anything except his own chewing. But, Remus's face tugs at his insides in a way that makes him squirm. "Fine."
"We can hide in here," says Remus, opening the tiny door.
Sirius snorts. "Together?" He can't imagine fitting his leg in there.
"I think so." Remus crawls in. "It goes back pretty far."
Sirius crawls in after him and shuts the door. "God help you if you fart, Remus."
"What?" laughs Sirius.
"Don't say fart."
That, of course, only makes Sirius laugh more. "Man, Lupin, when we get out of here, I'm getting James to teach you swear words."
"I know swear words."
"Yeah?" Sirius peers at Remus's shadowed face. "Let's hear one."
There's a long, silent pause. "Bloody Hell," says Remus.
Sirius falls over into Remus's lap. "I was saying that when I was two," he squeals. "James is going to love this!"
"Don't make fun of me," whispers Remus, pushing Sirius off of him.
Sirius frowns. "I wasn't." He suddenly feels horrible, but a voice from outside turns his attention.
"Did you hear them, my sweet?"
Sirius doesn't breathe until he's positive Filch has passed their tiny hiding space. He opens the door and crawls out. Remus crawls out after him and Sirius grabs his hand as soon as Remus stands up. "How did you hear him before? He must have been two corridors down when you heard him."
Remus shrugs. "I have good hearing.
"Let's go," says Sirius, not taking his eyes off of Remus.
Sirius is holding James's hand tight under the invisibility cloak. They can do that, hold hands. They've grown to be more than just simple friends over the year and a half they've known each other.
They're friendship was cemented forever over the last summer when Sirius couldn't take being lonely any longer and wrote a desperate letter to James. A letter about how his parents waited for him to come home to punish him for not being in Slytherin, how they didn't even acknowledge his presence most days, how they wouldn't even let him play with his brother, how his brother ignored him too, how he missed having his brother most of all.
And James's mother read the letter first.
Dorea dug up everything Black she had in her still and flooed her niece and practically begged her to let Sirius over to stay for the remainder of the summer. It was the promise of taking him to the train that did Walburga in.
When Sirius got to the Potter's, after he and James got over the shock of being second cousins, James took Sirius up to his room and said "I can be your cousin and your brother, Sirius."
That is why they don't mind holding hands. Like a couple of girls. They especially don't mind holding hands now, as they sneak into the infirmary, to tell their mutual best friend, that they know he's a monster.
The first thing Sirius sees is Remus lying like a dead weight on his back, tucked fiercely into one of the beds. The light from the dawning sun is draped over him like an extra golden blanket.
"He's going to hate us," he whispers into James's ear.
"I know," says James. "But, we don't hate him."
At the foot of Remus's bed, Sirius feels James's head pivot around. "Pomfrey's in bed, I'm sure." James looks at Sirius, and pulls the cloak off.
"His face…" starts James and he finally drops Sirius's hand to get a closer look. Sirius, eyes not leaving Remus, goes around the opposite side of the bed. "Look at all those scratches."
"Yeah," whispers Sirius.
"They probably disappear by the time we see him. Healing magic."
Sirius nods. His eyes flick up and he looks at James through the fringe of his dark hair. James is peering down at Remus like he's studying a specimen in Potions. Sirius stretches his hand out, and more gently than he ever thought he could touch something, he runs the tips of his fingers down a large scratch on Remus's cheek.
Sirius's hand springs back to his side. "What?"
"I have to pee. Wake him up. We'll tell him when I get back." Sirius nods. "And don't be a git about it. Be nice."
Sirius scowls. He hates when James acts like he isn't capable of thinking for himself. "Don't flush," he hisses at James's back. "You'll wake up Pomfrey!"
Remus moves on the bed, bringing an equally scratched hand up from under the blanket. Sirius swallows and pushes his fingers into Remus's. Remus isn't like a brother to Sirius. Sirius doesn't know what Remus is to him. Not really. Not yet. He's completely focused on waking Remus up without alerting the entire castle that he jumps and screams when Remus's tired voice calls his name.
"Sirius? What are you doing here?"
Sirius can feel Remus trying to pull his hand back. He can feel Remus's entire body stiffen.
"Remus, it's OK. It's OK."
"You're not supposed to see me."
"It's OK! Calm down!" He grabs Remus's shoulder and sits next to him on the bed. "I'm not here to hurt you," he says trying to get Remus to stop whimpering. "OK? Are you OK? Can you pull yourself together?"
Remus's eyes are brimming with tears and he grabs Sirius's side with his other hand. "I think so," he whispers with a horse voice. "Why are you here?"
Sirius shifts closer to Remus. "Let's wait for James."
1974 (4th year)
Sirius has tried to strip everything Black from his being. He sees his little brother stomping around like he owns the place and Sirius wants nothing to do with that kind of person.
And Sirius doesn't think he owns the place. He knows he does.
The only thing Sirius hasn't been able to part with is his perfected ability to sigh with aristocratic boredom.
He loves that sigh.
Sirius leans his head onto Remus's shoulder and sighs. The sigh starts in his shoulders, rakes through his entire torso, and ends with an aloof whine.
"Problem?" asks Remus, not looking up from his book.
"Many," answers Sirius. "James and Peter are off to get one last peep show at the girls before summer and you'd rather read than pay attention to me."
"That's only two."
Sirius sighs again.
Remus snaps his book closed. "Go peep at the girls with James. Don't you want to?"
"Don't you want to?" Sirius doesn't want to. Sirius found that half way to the Secret Spying Location he had no desire to go watch a couple girls sit around for hours. He thought they'd spend their last week working on the transformations. They were so close! So, he ditched them.
"I'd rather sit out here," says Remus.
Sirius drops his mouth in playful shock. "That's funny! Because I'd rather sit out here too!"
Remus laughs and hits Sirius's knee with his rather large book. "Then why are you bored?"
Sirius rubs his knee, which he is positive has just been shattered into tiny shards, and shrugs.
"Want to read my book with me?"
Sirius turns his attention back to Remus. Remus is holding his book out like an offering. His chin is tilted down towards his neck in that funny way Remus sometimes holds his head. His eyes are rounded and lidded at the same time which seems impossible to accomplish but Remus has managed to do it perfectly. He isn't smiling, but there is something of a smile about him, in the way he's looking at Sirius.
Sirius is smiling.
"Have you ever kissed anyone Remus?"
Remus leans back from Sirius, but Sirius is smart and grabs Remus's book before he can hold it against him like armor, or beat Sirius with it. "What do you mean?"
"Have you ever kissed anyone?"
Remus blushes ten thousand different shades of red. "Not really. No," he whispers.
"Do you want to?"
"Who doesn't want to?"
Tilting his head to the side, Sirius thinks for a second. "I honestly don't know."
"Can I have my book back?"
"No." And Sirius kisses him. It's not like a supernova or a sudden blast of light. It's not really bad either. It's just a quick slide of lips and then Sirius pulls back.
Remus looks like he saw the Grim Reaper and Satan playing blackjack against him for his soul.
Sirius thinks he should be saying Woops and Sorry but he really doesn't want to. He really wants to kiss Remus again. And Sirius usually doesn't deny himself anything he really wants. He decides that he'll stay attached to Remus by the mouth until he gets some sort of answer from him.
He feels Remus's hand creep up and tangle in his hair. Ah, blackjack, he thinks and kisses Remus harder.
Remembering that they weren't exactly isolated in the courtyard, Sirius lets Remus go. With a sudden feeling of nervousness, he scans the area. No one's even looking at them. Lily Evans has managed to chase James up a tree and gain everyone's undivided attention.
"Stupid idiot," laughs Sirius.
"Sirius? Do boys do that? Together?"
Sirius looks back at Remus. "I don't think so."
1974 (5th year)
"It was brilliant!"
"And you didn't take me out, right?"
Sirius thumps back against the foot of Remus's hospital bed. "No, Moony. I keep telling you!"
Remus takes on suspicious eyes, but he smiles rather large for someone who just went through an agonizing transformation. "And I'm supposed to believe you?"
Sirius lunges at Remus and tickles him gently under his ribcage. "Watch the arm," squeals Remus. Sirius instantly stops and lifts his weight off. He doesn't get up though. He barricades Remus in with his hands. "We're going to wake Pomfrey," says Remus. "She'll never leave me alone again if she finds out I sneak the likes of you in here."
Sirius snorts. "I snuck myself in." He takes a second to look up close at Remus's face. "You don't have any scratches tonight."
"I know," says Remus, his voice high with conspiratory excitement. "Pomfrey had to make sure that there was even a full moon out. Thought I just took a night to go up to the Shack. She thought I might have snuck a bird up there."
Sirius feels his stomach drop. He doesn't like when his mates talk about girls. Once they talk about girls then they'll date girls. Then they'll leave him. "You wouldn't do that," he whispers.
"No," says Remus. "I wouldn't."
Sirius can't remember a time when he stared at someone for so long. He feels like he can close his eyes and blindly draw a picture of Remus's face and have it come out like a reflection. He knows every pore and bump and freckle. Every pimple and spot and faint scar.
Sirius thinks he knows why he never talks about girls.
"Would you sneak me up to the Shack?" he asks, and immediately regrets.
Remus pokes him in the side. "I already did, Padfoot."
Sirius shakes his head, letting the fine ends of his hair brush Remus's cheeks. "I mean…when you're not a werewolf." He waits. He tries to wait patiently but he's not very good at that. "I'm a dog, Moony."
"So?" says Remus.
"James was taking the beating out of me over the summer, when we finally perfected the transformations. Saying the wolf's going to think I'm his mate."
"I don't want to give the wrong answer, Sirius."
"There is no wrong answer." He doesn't believe that, even as it slips from his mouth.
Sirius watches Remus's eyes blink and move back and forth, unsure of where they want to focus. "I would sneak you up to the Shack," he says.
Dumbledore could waltz in and Avada Kedavra him into pieces and Sirius wouldn't care or even notice. He sinks down and kisses Remus for the second time in their lives.
He lifts up panting for breath. "Do you want-to be? Together?" he manages to croak out, forehead pressed into Remus's cheek.
"I think so," breaths Remus. Sirius feels him curl his arms around his back.
"Maybe you didn't hear me, Sirius? Go upstairs. And. Get. Dressed."
Sirius stays still, sitting in the middle of Grimmauld Place's grand staircase. "I'm not going," he says firmly.
"Sirius," his father hisses. "You do not have a choice!"
Walburga huffs and spits and steps closer to the staircase. "You are a disgrace! My eldest son and you don't ever listen to a word I say! I am tired of it." She points behind her back at Regulus. "You're brother didn't give me such grief. I told him to get dressed and he did without a word."
"That's because he's a pussy," says Sirius.
"Such language!" Walburga screams. Orion steps forward and grabs Walburga's arm. "Never speak ill of you brother in my presence."
"Bellatrix," Orion speaks up, glaring at Sirius. "Is your cousin. You are expected to be at her wedding."
Sirius shrugs. "No one'll miss me."
"That doesn't matter." Walburga rakes her fingers through her inky black hair.
Orion takes a step forward like a panther and up the stairs until his dark blue eyes are level with Sirius's. "Do not force me to make you obey, Sirius." His voice is low and rumbly, meant to intimidate.
Sirius is positive it works on Regulus.
He raises his chin. "I'm not going." He looks over his father's broad shoulder, down to his mother. "She just wants me to go so that she can drag me around to find some bitch to mate with. You don't care if I'm there! Bella could care less if I'm there! You just want to show me off!" Sirius pauses to catch his breath. He wishes he could argue like James. James argues and doesn't go crazy with anger like Sirius does, like Sirius's mother does. James talks in low, calm tones, and he always wins. "I am not going so you can find me a bride. I am never getting married! No amount of money can make me want to pass these inbred genes off to someone else."
Sirius's head whips around with the force of his father's backhand.
"I'm going to James's tonight," says Sirius, turning to look back at his father. His cheek burns and hurts like it was ripped form his face. His father had a ring on each finger. "My friends are going to be there. And I told them I'd come."
"Friends," snorts Regulus. It's the first thing he's said yet, and all three eyes switch to him. "Maybe he's friends with Potter and Pettigrew…but the other one's his boyfriend."
There is a ringing silence after that word. Sirius has never even used that word when thinking about Remus. Now, he's sad to admit, he probably never will. It sounds vulgar and stupid coming from Regulus.
"What does that mean?" whispers Walburga.
Regulus swallows, but looks right into his mother's face. "I've seen them. They think they're slick, but I saw Sirius kiss him."
"He's lying," says Sirius. Regulus must be lying. He and Remus would never make a mistake like that.
"Is he, Sirius?" Orion's voice is terrifying now. It's a voice of warning, of simmering anger. "Because God help you if he isn't."
"He's just trying to make you angry. He doesn't know what he's talking about." Sirius hates himself. Hates that he can't be honest. He waits for Regulus to say something else, but he doesn't. Sirius thinks that maybe he doesn't want to witness his brother's murder.
"Talk like that," says Walburga, pointedly looking at Regulus and then Sirius. "Will never happen again in his house. Sirius, your friends mean nothing to me. Get dressed."
"I'm sick of you," says Sirius. It shoots from his mouth before he can stop it.
"I hate you. This is not how a family acts!" He's thinking of the Potter's and the Lupin's and how jealous he is of them.
Orion grabs Sirius by the collar and throws him up the stairs. "That is enough out of you. Get dressed. Be down here in five minutes or when you see your friends, they won't even recognize you."
Sirius picks himself up and runs to his room. He's not even thinking. Like what he's supposed to do is already written and he has no choice but to follow it. He shoves clothes and books and anything he values into his trunk. He shrinks it, shoves it into his pocket, grabs his broom. And leaves.
He lands with weak knees on James's back lawn. Sirius can't remember flying so far so fast. His lungs hurt because it was hard to breathe lying flat against the handle, with air rushing past him. He staggers forward to where he sees a dying orange fire closer to James's house.
Three bodies are lying on the ground surrounded by crushed boxes of graham crackers and half empty bags of marshmallows. Sirius spots his target immediately; the only one still awake, book propped up against his chest. Sirius falls to his knees and crawls the rest of the way.
"Sirius?" gasps Remus when he finally notices the shadow creeping towards him. Sirius nods and collapse against Remus, his head pushed under his chin. "What happened-"
"I'm sorry," Sirius says into Remus's neck.
"Regulus told them-and I-said it wasn't true. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry." Remus sits up, dragging Sirius with him.
"I ran away. I couldn't take it anymore." Sirius looks across the fire, at James's snoring body. "Mrs. Potter said that if I ever wanted to, I could stay here."
"I'm sure you can."
Sirius closes his eyes, and allows Remus to push his hair back. "I'm tired," he whispers.
Remus pushes his nose into Sirius's ear. "Want to go up to the spare? To sleep."
Sirius looks at James again, then back at Remus. "Together?"
Remus nods. "I think so."
Sirius snuggles the soft cigarette into the area between his fingers and falls back until his shoulders hit the side of the castle. He inhales the cold January air. He'll have a good ten minutes before the bitter wind drives him back inside.
Sirius jumps away from the castle, and almost knocks into James. "You scared me."
"What are you doing out here?" asks James. Sirius holds up his cigarette as an answer. "Oh," says James. "Light it."
"You can light it. I don't care."
Sirius laughs and pushes James. "You're allergic. Your mum told me."
James shrugs and steps right back up to Sirius. "Light it. I want to see you smoke it."
"James-" stalls Sirius. He doesn't even have a lighter, or his wand.
James grabs the cigarette and launches it across the courtyard. "You don't smoke, Sirius. Stop pretending that you do."
Sirius has had enough, enough, of arguing and defending himself to last centuries. "Why are you out here, Prongs?"
"Because I can't take this anymore!" James grabs his hair and when he lets go he looks like someone just threw him into an electrical current. "You come out here almost every hour to smoke which is bullshit. It's just a lame ass excuse to be by yourself and you know it. And Remus, when he isn't pretending to be happy, is a step from crying. Don't think I didn't notice."
Sirius feels icy cold panic drop down his spine. "Didn't notice what?"
James rolls his eyes. "You and Remus!" He moves in closer to Sirius. "You know. Together?"
"I don't think so," whispers Sirius, looking away from James.
"Oh, I think so!"
"Well, we aren't anymore," screams Sirius. "So, leave it."
"I will not leave it. You're miserable."
Sirius doesn't answer. He is miserable. He never thought he could feel so horrible inside. He thought everything in his life was going to be fine now that he escaped his family. Then he had to go and send Snape to the Willow for no good reason besides his own humor and taint everything he gained from running away.
"Moony forgave you, Pads." James grabs Sirius by the shoulders. "He did!"
"He shouldn't have. I'm not a good person. I hurt everyone I know."
James is two inches taller than Sirius. He arches his back down to look into Sirius's eyes. "You've never hurt me."
Sirius frowns. "The day's still young."
James breaks the entire mood, to Sirius's annoyance, by laughing. Loudly. And when James does that squeaky uncontrollable laughter, there is nothing Sirius can do to stop himself from joining right along.
"You're a prat," giggles James. "I know you come out here to moon over Moony. Wasn't that clever?"
"No," says Sirius, but he isn't quite successful at biting back his smile.
"But am I right?"
Sirius tilts his head up. "Yes," he sighs.
"Aha!" James leaps back from Sirius. "Bring him out, Wormtail!"
Sirius watches Peter limp around the corner, pulling a tied up Remus Lupin with him. "You gits! What did you do to him?" Without even thinking, Sirius moves to Remus's side and takes the gag from his mouth.
"He wouldn't cooperate," says Peter.
"Pete and I've decided," begins James, pulling Peter to stand next to him. "That, although it confuses us, and makes us kind of nervous, and also a little vomity, if we accepted Remus for the furry little problem, we have to accept him, and you, for wanting to be together because otherwise we'd be dirty hypocrites."
"That's lovely," says Remus. "Can you untie me now?"
"Nope. Kiss first. Or I'll think you're lying like Sirius and the smoking."
Sirius smiles wider than he has in the past four months, and looks at Remus to see a similar expression beaming from his face. They press their lips together. It's like coming home.
"Now, and this is a general rule," says James. "No one has sex in the dorm until I do."
It's a sensation not unlike magic. If one could feel the magic inside them, coursing through their veins, it would feel like this. Like a constant building of heat and a need to get hotter, go faster, go deeper. His hands are clawing and his teeth are biting into slick flesh but he can't seem to keep hold of anything. He keeps moving. They keep moving. And the sweat is pouring from his body. Streaming rivulets down his thighs and across his back.
Every time his body spasms he cries out. He's panting. Snapping his hips faster and faster. Kissing Remus without any coordination. He tangles their tongues together. Remus feels good around him. Tight. His muscles constrict. It hurts so bad that it's more than pleasure. He tries to move through the haze. His gray eyes slide half way closed. He manages to drag his head up and look down into Remus's open and dilated eyes. He can't last much longer.
"Together?" pants Sirius, holding off, waiting for Remus's answer.
"I think so," exhales Remus.
And they do.
Sirius isn't chained to the walls like most of them are. He's maximum security, but they didn't need to chain him. And he doesn't scream like them either.
Most of the time they forget he's there. They don't feel him.
He thinks a lot. There's nothing else to do. Unlike the other prisoners, however, his thoughts aren't twisted. He knows what happened. He knows that what everyone believes is wrong. But he's not innocent. He made horrible mistakes. And he's paying for them.
He doesn't want to ever think about James. Thinking about James makes him cry. Makes him slip back to his human mind and sob. He saw him. He saw James's body. Lying there…
What's the point of leaving Azkaban if James isn't out there anymore?
When he's eating or being checked by the Azkaban mediwizards or sick of being Padfoot, and a Dementor flies past his cell, he sees James's face. And he cries. It happens more than he wants it to.
Thinking about Peter keeps him sane. Even though he got away. Even though he probably fled to Greece or America. Even though he's probably picking up the pieces of his life. Even though he's living. None of that matters.
He laughs when he thinks about Peter. Sirius hopes Peter is lying on a beach somewhere, breathing real air and looking at the stars, and not feeling anything because in his heart he knows (Sirius prays that he knows) that he gave up everything good for nothing.
Sirius doesn't cry when he thinks about how it was his idea to trust Peter, his idea to switch. It just makes him feel stupid.
Harry has helped him count the years. July 31, 1984. Harry is three. Happy Birthday. I'd send you a present if you knew who I was.
And he wants to believe that Remus is OK. That Remus took the money Sirius kept under the mattress for a rainy day and bought a cottage in the woods. Somewhere where the wolf could run around and keep busy chasing rabbits and not think about how is pack, his mate, left him.
He shouldn't have let the other Order members fool him. He knew Remus better than anyone. Anyone! He should have kissed Remus before their constant fighting made them end it a week before everything ended anyway. Weren't they in love? Weren't they supposed to always be together?
He thought so.
Sirius just needs that stupid boy to hand over his fucking rat so that he could squeeze Peter's little throat until he feels the bones break.
He couldn't make them understand, which he knew was going to be a problem. Harry wants revenge and Sirius doesn't blame him.
When Remus walked in though, when Remus picked him off the floor, Sirius had a flash like a jolt of electricity. He was OK for a moment there.
Remus hugged him and Sirius didn't want to let go. But, he knows this isn't the time or place for those memories to take him over.
Things are happening, though he can't really comprehend much in his one tracked mind. He can hear that Remus's sweet low voice is trying to make Harry listen to reason. Sirius wants to get this over with because he has so much he needs to say to this, this man. He guesses their men now.
Then Remus finally has Peter in his hand, and Sirius moves forward, ready. Just to make sure, he looks up at Remus and asks "Together?"
Remus's eyes dart to him for the briefest of seconds. "I think so."
There's something about that scene that makes Sirius blink and look at Remus again. But then they cast the spell and Sirius doesn't have time to reminisce.
By the time he remembers, in the background of everything he remembers, they have Peter cornered. Sirius apologizes to Remus for thinking he was the spy. Remus tells him that everything's forgiven, and Sirius asks "Shall we kill him together?" just to get that word at the end.
"Yes, I think so." Remus sighs when he says it. He isn't smiling, but there is something of a smile about him, in the way he's looking at Sirius.
That's enough for now, Sirius thinks. And if nothing else, they are together.