Three Seasons of House in 30 minutes

a/n: Co-written with JennifferButterfly.

This is a strange idea inspiredby The Star Wars Trilogy in 30 minutes', which is an actual stage show done by a comedy troupe out of Los Angeles.

The idea is to cram three seasons of House into three ultra condensed but very snarky chapters. This may be a little hard to follow along. If the person speaking is not noted, it's usually House. This moves fast, so hold on.

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Season 1:

Enter Dr. House and Dr. Wilson pedeconferencing on the way to diagnostics.

"Oh, hi best buddy named Wilson who is Head of Oncology and is Jewish and has a homeless missing brother. I'm so glad that I can come to you for everything that is bothering me even though I prefer to be miserable anyhow. It never has been revealed how we met or why we became best friends, but all I know is that the producers love throwing in slash subtext between us two. Care to listen to me rant about the evil administrator Dr. Cuddy?"

"Hello Dr. House, Director of Diagnostics with a specialty in nephrology and infectious diseases, who is a miscreant people-hating doctor that has a bad limp because you had an infarction in your right thigh which gives you the right to pop vicodin like tic-tacs for the constant pain you are in. Are you talking about Lisa Cuddy, our Dean of Medicine whose specialty we don't know, who dresses in revealing outfits to show us she is powerful yet can still be a slut, and likes to be mean to you all the time because you don't play by the rules and it makes for great sexual tension? To answer your question; no, but I'll have to listen anyway, won't I?"

"Indeed. Cuddy likes to show off her power to me and tends to be domineering. I think there is potential between us even if she won't let me touch her. And yes, she does like tops that are barely made up of enough material to qualify as such. She also bothers me for not following rules, but rules are boring. I need to solve puzzles with my unique and brilliant mind and torture anyone who comes in contact to me for fun."

"Not to mention your bad leg is a great excuse to be miserable and mean to everyone without compromise while we constantly fight over whether your pain is physical or psychological. I vote psychological."

"Oh what do you know? You're an oncologist. Great summary though. That saves us a lot of time so let's meet the minions."

Enter the glass walled diagnostics conference room where the staff of three young doctors anxiously awaitfor their meager chance to briefly elaborate on their sparse character development.

"Okay, we don't have a lot of time here. Since we don't really know much about you three and won't for a while, all that will be needed is a few short sentences from each of you telling us who you are and then your character development is done."

"Hi, I'm Dr. Cameron and I'm an immunologist. I'm damaged. I can go from sweetheart to bitch faster than you can blink your eyes. I'm moral and set high standards for people that I can't possible hold for myself. But most important, I love House. I have dreams of curing him and then we can cuddle as he tells me how brilliant I am and how the others are fools."

"Hence why that is only a dream because it's never going to happen you freak. Next!"

"I'm Dr. Foreman and I'm a neurologist. I'm the token black guy that proves that there are black doctors that can claw their way out of the ghetto with hard work and a crap load of arrogance. I'm smarter and better than all these honkies. Also, I hate House, but I'm more like him than anybody."

"You and I even wear the same shoes. Face it, you worship the ground I walk on. Next!"

"I'm Dr. Chase and I'm an Intensivist from a country called Australia. I'm the token eye candy. I'm pretty and I speak in this slick foreign accent that drives all the females and several of the males wild. I'm morally ambiguous, a brown noser and Dr. House calls me stupid even though it's quite the contrary since I've solved more cases than these other two baboons combined. None of that matters though because all I want is House's approval since he's my surrogate father. I'll never get it, just like with my real dad."

"And next you'll want me to grow boobs, get them lactating, and breastfeed you like your dead mother, right? Sorry, ain't happening.For the record, I hired Cameron because she is pretty, Foreman because he stole a car, and Chase, well I made up something about his dad, but we really don't know the real reason.

Okay, enough time has been spent with background, let's get on with the strange patients and my zany behavior. The school teacher has tapeworm, Dan's parents aren't really his so he's missing some essential immunities he should have gotten as a baby and Brandon is taking the wrong pills."

"You forgot to say everybody lies." Dr. Chase goes into his full suck up mode.

"I don't have time to go through the 21 other cases. Let's do a differential on all our season 1 patients. Get them all done in one fell swoop."

"It's Lupus." Foreman replies.

"That's season 2 you moron."

"It's a tumor," says Chase.

"Multiple Sclerosis," jumps in Cameron.

"Vasculitis"

"Anaphylaxis"

"Wilson's disease"

"Wait, I need to stop so I can stare at House longingly and show him how much I love him." Dr. Cameron says with starstruck eyes.

"Kill me. Ignore her and keep going."

"Hypothryroidism"

"Anthrax"

"Lyme Disease"

"Guillain-Barre"

House holds up his hand. "Okay enough for now. Treat them for all those and run a CBC, MRI, CAT scan, LP, and echocardiogram on each one just for grins. After that, tell me what happens so I can do something else really careless but will ultimately save their lives."

Dr. Cameron frowns, put off by her boss' uncaring behavior yet wanting to jump his bones anyway. "What about your clinic duty?"

"Useless filler. No time for that plus Cuddy needs a reason to bother me."

Cameron turns away from House. "Oh Chase, I need to tease you with inappropriate talk about sex now. This is apparently important later."

"Sorry. I was distracted by all the fanfics that have popped up saying how depressed I am. How do they think that when the series has barely begun?" Chases shakes his head in wonder.

"What do the stories say about me?" Foreman asks.

"You aren't in any." Chase clarifies.

"Excuse me, sex talk?" Cameron gets impatient and irritated since she isn't the center of attention, thus setting her typical behavior pattern for the rest of the series.

Foreman sighs while Chase breaks into sarcastic glee. "Great, I'll listen to you, blushing like a school girl even though I'm a highly trained doctor that knows all that stuff, because you said it which means I'm supposed to be attracted to you. How about Foreman listen in and put in his opinion?"

"You leave me out of this. I want to see what Cuddy's going to do to House this time."

"House!" Enter Dr. Cuddy.

"Why Cuddy, is it time for you to make your token appearance already?"

"Why aren't you in the clinic? Also, everyone now needs to get involved with our crisis of dying babies."

"The teddy bear lady is spreading germs. Fix it. Chase, you need to go tell the nun your touching story of how you were in the seminary and then go search the not-so-schitzo mother's house so you can inform us of your sorry childhood with an alcoholic parent."

"Got it." Exit Dr. Chase with full knowledge that his subplots are done for a long, long while.

"Cameron, you need to act sad because you can't tell people about death, then flirt with me and give me something for my birthday."

"I thought your birthday was in June."

"No, in season 1 my birthday is in December. It doesn't change to June until the end of season 2."

Exit Dr. Cameron who needs to go buy that ill-advised card so the audience can be forced to go through that very uncomfortable chair-squirming moment

"Foreman, start yelling at me and tell me what an ignorant jerk I am. That should pretty much cover your role for the rest of the season."

"Wait, aren't I supposed to have a touching story about a homeless woman?" Foreman is put off by how his scenery chewing time is being diminished

"Wilson!" Wilson comes because House apparently owns him and he obeys every command. "You and Foreman need to go watch the homeless woman die of rabies now."

"What are you going to do besides playing with your game boy and watching General Hospital?" Wilson has to get in his obligatory nagging of House or his character becomes pointless.

"I've got to cure a woman with African Sleeping sickness, save someone who was poisoned by his jeans, go to court over a DNR, and I have to win our bet by putting myself through painful detox all while everyone questions my abilities as a brilliant doctor."

Exit Dr. Foreman and Dr. Wilson, who both recognize that their roles in the rest of this season are meaningless.

Enter Dr. Cameron."I'm ready for the monster truck rally."

"Great, now people can all get on the Internet and start creating their House/Cameron stories."

Enter Dr. Chase. "That ship has alreadysailed."

"How do you have time to read those stories?"

Chase shrugs. "What else do I have to do?"

Enter Dr. Foreman in a rather urgent manner. "Oh no! A patient is crashing!"

"Which one?"

"Any of them, take your pick. Anyway, I need Chase to jump in with his quick thinking, give the patients epinephrine, shock them, then intubate them before performing some type of vascular procedure that only he is capable of doing."

"Yeah, he needs to look pretty while playing doctor. It cements his status as wallpaper."

Enter a sighing and annoyed Cameron. "Is it time for the plot to get back to me yet?" Everyone groans in unison.

Enter older man. "Why look, it's Rowan Chase. You're dying and I can't tell your son about it which means things get messy later. He's downstairs, go have your less than reassuring talk about the alcoholic mother and your abandonment."

Exit Rowan without getting in a word edgewise, not even to show off that Czech accent with 30 years Aussie on top of it "Great, we are done with Chase until Vogler comes along."

"That's actually now." Foreman says, wishing like the rest of us that the arc never happened. "Now I can go get snippy with Chase now for screwing up with Carly and then ratting out to Vogler." Exit Foreman.

Dr. Cameron comes in close contact to House with a suggestive leer. "Yes, and this is where I get to flirt with you and show you how much you want me."

"Yeah, but first I have to fire one of you."

Enter the big bad Edward Vogler.

"Great, right on cue. Uh, I hate you, and I don't want to fire anyone but I pick Chase to confirm that he's spying on me and he's rather useless. Oh, and I'm going to ruin your new drug by panning it in a speech where everyone gets to watch with amused glee."

Enter Dr. Chase. "I hate fat people."

Vogler speaks. "Plus you're a weasel. House, you're irresponsible and don't play by the rules, plus I'm coming after you because I have power and I can abuse it, and contrived plots make for compelling drama. You can't fire Chase and Dr. Wilson will be fired for supporting you." Vogler breaks into an evil laughter.

Cameron pouts. "Oh, and I quit, because I'm shallow and you don't like me. Plus, self-sacrificing myself will make me look more attractive when it's obvious I'm doing it just to get your attention."

Cuddy jumps in to save the day and faces the big bad Vogler"I've had enough of your bullying. Apparently a miserable pain in the ass doctor who has the powers of superman because he is the only person capable of saving lives in this entire hospital is worth more than your $100 million. Okayat least that looked good on a script. In reality, I would be fired for that. And never work in medicine again. Actually, anywhere again."

Back to House, who doesn't like losing control of anything. "Okay, that drama took way too long and wasted everyone's time. Let's see, how do we get back on track, I know, I'm supposed to teach a class right?"

"We need to go on our date first, just as soon as you beg me to come back." Cameron says feeling all mighty because she is getting that all-important attention that her neurotic mind craves.

Enter Wilson. "I'm supposed to give you cute advice now on how to go on a date and warn others about how vulnerable you are. Of course Chase knows a dominatrix that could have made that date fun, but that was a lost opportunity."

"Didn't we skip a pregnant lady with cancer and a meningitis outbreak?"

Enter Foreman. "The lady died leaving her son all alone with dad to raise and the twelve year old was pregnant but we fixed that. Now tell us all about the date."

"It sucked. Okay, now I can tell the three stories about leg pain that was made just for the Emmy reel."

"Stacy's back," Wilson is delighted to dig into old wounds.

"Yeah, that bitch. The one that knew I hate middle ground but went that way with my leg anyway. No wonder we split five years ago. Of course I can't seem to date or love anyone else since then."

Cameron gives him a jealous glare over how he can love Stacy and not her. "So, now you're going to cure her husband against his will."

"Yep. His mystery illness was pretty anticlimactic after the leg pain thing huh? Crappy way to end an interesting season. Anyway, that's a wrap. Season 2 should be darker."

"Yipee." They all unenthusiastically go off to prepare for the more jagged season two.

a/n: If anyone is still interested after reading all that, season two will be out next week, and season three will be out a few days after the finale airs. Thanks as usual for reading and giving a very strange idea a chance.