Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters. So yeah.
Warning – Nothing in this chapter. Maybe later? I suppose I'm setting this up to be a femslash story. So if you don't like it, don't read it. I'm responsible for any scaring that might occur.
Other – This is my first TSR fanfic, so be gentle with me. I just didn't think there was enough ChRave going around. Sorry this chapter is pretty short and if it's at all confusing.
Summary – It was supposed to be my secret. But I guess that's a problem when your best friend is a psychic. ChRave.
I don't know what to think anymore.
It's as simple as that. Rather, I wish it was as simple as that. I wish that my brain would just shut off and I'd be able to just sit in solitude. Instead I sit with idle thoughts buzzing around my brain, and I can't seem to handle it all.
I've thought about talking to someone, but who do I have to talk to? I certainly can't talk to her; her being the object of my thoughts. And I can't talk to him because he'll go tell her and it defeats the purpose of not talking to her on my own.
Lately I can't look at her without getting goose-bumps, or talk to her without hating how thick my tongue feels in my mouth. Whenever I open my mouth around her, something stupid comes tumbling out and I can't help but smile widely and hope she doesn't think I'm that much of an idiot for saying it.
And she smiles and laughs, so I smile and laugh, but I can't help but wish it was different. It's all I can do to keep my cheeks from flushing bright red. When it happens, I get this building pressure at the bottom of my throat and tears try and force their way into my eyes.
She moves on in her life and I follow, the faithful terrier as she plows her way into the future, distracted by fashion and boys. After all, I'm just the goofy best friend. She'll probably never see me as anything else, and I know it's better than not being around her at all. I pick her up when she falls, support her scheming, and participate in whatever she wants to do, even if it's risking my physical well-being.
After all, I'm just the goofy best friend.
She gushes over hot guy number one, or hot guy number two, and I make sure to gush with exactly the same enthusiasm. She never notices that I'm never quite as keen. But it's been this way for years – if she was going to notice, it would have already happened.
I make sure to smile for her all the time. I figure it's the one thing I can provide her with, an everlasting ray of sunshine as I bumble my way along beside her. And most of the time she loves it, returning my smile with a beautiful smile of her own, but sometimes I mess up. Sometimes she needs me to be better than I am.
"Chels… We need to talk…" I can hear her frowning, even over the phone.
"Sure, Rae, I can be there in like twenty minutes." I wonder if she can hear my smile.
There's a bout of silence, and I wait as patiently as I can. Finally, she responds with a halfhearted, "Great. I'll be waiting."
As I listen to the dial-tone I wonder what could possibly be wrong. We've been on summer break for a few weeks now, so it couldn't be school. She hasn't been seeing anybody so it couldn't be boys. Her family seemed happy enough the last time I was at her house, which was, for the record, the night before.
But what struck me as odd was the tone of her voice. It took something very strange to make Raven quiet and composed. Normally when she was down, it was loud, it was in your face. I haven't heard her like this before. She sounded almost… defeated.
I place the phone back in the cradle and glance in the mirror. My hair pools around my shoulders, complementing my light green shirt. I look okay, at best, but I don't have to worry around Raven. She'll out-dress me, even on her worst day and wouldn't care if I came to visit in a dog suit, although my dog costume is pretty ripped up.
By the time I reach her house, I've dug myself into a mental hole. There are so many possibilities, most of them valid concerns. I can't help but wonder if she had a vision of me doing something stupid and she's upset over that, or if she saw herself getting hurt, or… I could play the guessing game all day, but that wouldn't get me anywhere.
I only have to knock once before the door is yanked open and I see my best friend standing forlornly in front of me.
"Hey Rae." I smile at her, cautious. She doesn't return it, but I can't tune down the beam. I step inside and pull the door shut, "So… what's up?"
She looks to the ground and then back to me, "Can we talk in my room? There might be a lil nasty around here."
That's entirely plausible so I don't fight it as we hunker down the steps to the basement and into her bedroom. Secretly, this is my favorite place to be. As much as I love being out in the woods, up sitting high up in a tree, this is where I feel most at home.
"So…" I prod slowly, "What's on your mind?"
She sits on her bed and I pull one of her fluffy chairs over. Our knees are barely touching, but my heart rate picks up anyways and I can't stop thinking about it.
"I had a vision, Chels." Her voice nearly cracks, but holds out.
"I'm sure it couldn't be that horrible, Rae." I cheerfully chirp.
"You were in it." She wasn't smiling and suddenly, neither was I.
"What was going on?" I swallow roughly and I swear that it's so loud that Rae could hear it.
"We were talking." She seems oddly hesitant.
"We're talking now." I put in, smile coming slowly back, "Don't tell me this was the vision you're so worked up over."
"I'm not worked up!" She runs her hand over the bedspread, picking at an invisible lint particle. "I'm just… I want to get it out of the way so I can think and you don't get hurt later."
A seed of unease plants itself in my stomach and begins to grow. A freezing blanket of dread cascades onto my shoulders, "I won't get hurt, Rae. It's okay."
She isn't as sure as I am, "Then think of this as a safety net."
I nod, "Okay, then."
"You told me that you… have feelings for me."
There's a moment of dead silence. It drags on and I can only sit there dumbfounded as my world comes falling down.
"I was never going to tell you." I murmur, wishing this was just a bad dream, "I know you could never want me back."
She's staring at me, but I can't meet her eyes, "Chels, I just need time to think. I wanted you to know about this because you're my best friend, and I owe it to you."
I get up, smile dead and buried under six feet of cold, hard dirt, "I… I'll let myself out."
She grabs the hem of my shirt, "Just give me a little while… I don't want to lose you."
"Yeah, me neither." I force a half smile to my lips and wander up the stairs and out of the house.
This so isn't happening.