Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of J. K. Rowling's ideas or characters. I am making no monetary profit from this.

Dedicated to BlackPotterGrl for being my beta. If it wasn't for her, you guys might be tearing your eyes out. :


Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

--from Whispers in the Dark, Skillet

I was completely numb the whole way home. I can't even tell you if we used a port key, or a broom, or if we walked.

I can barely remember what happened. I know that I was wrong about the vision—they hadn't had Sirius after all. I vaguely remember something about brains and Neville dancing around…

Remus was dead. That I knew for sure. I don't remember who killed him, or why, though. I know it wasn't me, and that's about it.

Sirius was furious. I'm not completely sure why. I know some of it has to do with me—he was yelling at me earlier—but I think there's more to it then that. He was taking me back to Grimmauld Place though, and for a minute I couldn't even remember why he was doing that.

I had almost forgotten that Sirius was free, and that I lived with him now. It was still so unreal. It was what I'd always wanted, and now I had it. After everything that happened at the Triwizard Tournament, Sirius had had enough. He'd gone marching into Dumbledore's office—in broad daylight—and had demanded to be questioned under veritaserum. Dumbledore had complied, although not completely voluntarily. The gods must have been in favor of Sirius that day, because Fudge cleared him of everything. Or maybe Sirius had blackmail on him. Anyway, Sirius had come marching into the dormitories—scaring quite a few students in the process—and had demanded to see me. He told me that I was going to live with him—if I wanted, he'd added sheepishly. I assured him that I did, and had gone home with him that summer. I think Dumbledore took care of the Dursleys, all I'd had to do was sign a few papers.

So, here I was, at home, in Grimmauld Place. As I said, Sirius was angry. As soon as we walked through the door, he began throwing things. Somehow, the sound of a wooden bowl hitting a stone floor is reminiscent of the sound of a werewolf's body hitting the floor of the Department of Mysteries. I froze. It all started coming back…oh God…I could see his face…right before he fell…oh…he'd looked eyes with mine right before he…

I was going to be sick. Sirius didn't notice, so I ran upstairs to the bathroom.

With the heaves came the sobs, and that wasn't something I was willing to let Sirius hear just yet. I reached over and turned on the shower.

I couldn't get Remus's face out of my mind. His eyes had been wide, and his mouth had been moving soundlessly. I think he'd been asking for help.

Bellatrix Lestrange had been dueling Sirius, and she'd knocked him down with a particularly strong curse. I guess Remus had been near by, because when she'd started the incantation for the killing curse, Remus had jumped in front of his friend. He'd tried to push Bellatrix into the veil that had been behind them, but he hadn't moved quickly enough. The curse hit him square in the chest, and he fell.

I had to stop this. I took a deep breath, pushing the memories back down, and noticed that I had stopped throwing up. I peeled off my clothes, and stepped into the shower. I was still crying though, and I couldn't seem to stop. My chest hurt, and I felt like laying down. I didn't want to think anymore. But the memories wouldn't stay down. I could see Sirius bursting through the doors, anger and excitement in his eyes. All the other Order members, including Remus, had stormed in too, yelling curses. All of it was still a bit of a blur, except for Remus's death.

I could still hear Sirius throwing things. It wasn't helping. I couldn't be sure if he was angry at me, or at himself.

Oh Merlin. Oh dear, dear Merlin. This was all my fault. All of it, I was slowly realizing, was because I had fallen for the trap. I'd thought they had Sirius…but it was all a set up.

If I had just stopped to think, for a just a moment, I could have realized that it was a trap. Did Sirius know that this was all my fault? That must be why he's mad. He knows that it's because of me that his best friend is dead. He's going to hate me.

I was crying harder now. Sirius was the only one who was there for me.

I should pull myself together. This is pathetic.

Remus is dead. Sirius hates me.

No…maybe he doesn't.

But even then, Remus…

I slid down against the wall of the shower until I was in a sitting position under the spray of the water. I just put my face in my hands and cried.

I wouldn't ever see Remus again. I wouldn't have someone to vent to when Sirius put a balding charm on me.

I started to smile at the memory, but then felt worse for doing so.

I'm sorry…Remus…oh God, I'm sorry.

And then there was Sirius…I don't think I could take it if he hates me.

Stop thinking!

I could hear heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. I knew it was Sirius even though it didn't sound much like him. Sirius always walked very lightly, as if he was afraid of being caught. But these steps were steps of resignation. Sirius was dragging his feet—forcing himself to walk up the stairs.

I had expected him to go into his room, and was startled when I heard a loud rap at the door.

Bloody—

"Harry?"

Hell.

I abruptly stopped my crying, and stuffed what I could of my emotions back down inside. Maybe if I kept the shower on he would think that I didn't hear him, and go away.

"Har? Come on, Harry. I know you're in there," he said in a hoarse voice. Maybe he'd been crying too.


A/N: Okay. So. What do you think? This is my first HP fanfiction. I'm always been a fan of Sirius, and I think he should never have died. :
Also, I should note that I'm American, and so some of the original spellings or a few phrases may be off. Feel free to point them out to me if you feel like it, or just ignore it.
...I think there was another note that I wanted to make, but I can't remember it now. Oh well. Review!