The Raid (An Elite's worst nightmare)

Written by: Me

Read by: whoever is either really really bored, or really really high.

And now, on with the show!

An APC pulled in front of an old abandoned home. They had gotten a tip from one of the citizens that a major resistance leader taken residence in the house and was planning a major attack. Two Overwatch soldiers, two Civil Protection officers, and an Elite ran out of the back. Normally, the CP's would handle a raid, but the higher ups insisted that, since this had the potential for being a major threat, they needed someone with… military experience.

The Elite motioned for everyone to circle around him. He then started outlining the plan of attack. The two Civil Protection officers would knock on the door and ask the leader to come out. Then, if things went south, the Overwatch and the Elite would storm in and take care of any Resistance threats there might be.

In the middle of the briefing one of the CP's leaned over to the other, "Man, I gotta take a leak." He said.

"I know," the other agreed, "I wish they'd made these suits easier to take off. I pissed on myself twice this month cause I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time."

"Quiet!" the Elite ordered.

The two CP's fell silent and the Elite finished with the plan. He motioned for the two officers to start.

"Remember, if anything looks wrong, pull out and let us take care of things." The Elite said.

"Roger that." The lead officer responded.

They walked up to the house, "I don't think there's anybody worth takin here." The lead officer said.

"Me neither, if there was, Resistance would be crawlin all over the place."

They knocked on the door and waited.

"What are you gonna say?" the subordinate asked.

"Excuse me, but are you harboring or are you a major Resistance leader, and if you are, you will please come quietly and don't kill us?"

He got a chuckle in response. Then they heard it. A loud thud, thud, thud, sound that grew louder as it approached the door. The two CP's tensed. They could hear a chain unlatching, what sounded like a bolt turning, then a lock clicked. The two CP's went for their pistols.

The door opened and there stood a short, old, rather large, black woman leaning on a large wooden walking stick.

"Can I help you?" she asked sweetly.

The two officers were taken back.

The leader cleared his throat, "We have heard that there is a major Resistance leader that is being harbored here. Are you that person?" the words sounded so ridiculous that the other CP snickered.

"Me?" she asked, surprised. "Heavens no! I'm much too old to be running around and doing all of that!"

The two CP's looked at each other, "May we search your house?" the lead asked politely. No sense in scaring her.

"Of course!" she sounded delighted, "I'll put on some tea, and you just make yourselves at home!"

She stepped inside and allowed them to enter.


"Lead this Unit 7, what are they doing?" one Overwatch asked.

"It appears that they are going to inspect the house, that woman must be harboring the leader." The Elite answered.


"Where's your bathroom at?" asked the subordinate.

"Why, it's upstairs, third door on your left." She said, "Do hurry back, the tea will be done any minute."

The CP smiled in spite of himself. He was so used to people cowering in fear of him; he had forgotten what it was like to have kindness directed toward him. He climbed the stairs and found the bathroom. It took him ten minutes to get the suit off, use the bathroom, and then put the suit back on.

Just as he was putting his mask back on, he heard a thud. The CP pulled his pistol and stepped out of the bathroom and into the hallway. He paused and listened for the sound again. After a few moments he heard the thud again, it came from behind a closed door across from the bathroom. The CP reached for the handle, turned it, and swung the door open.

He stepped into a room filled with boxes, looked around, and figured it was a rodent or something, as soon as he fixing to leave the room, a headcrab lunged at him.

"Shit!" he yelled, and fired.

Three rounds tore through the animal and killed it. It was dead before it hit the floor.

Outside the three soldiers heard the gunshots and raced toward the door, Pulse Rifles raised, ready for combat. The Elite kicked the door in and stepped into the living area, scanning the room for any targets.

"Now who is making all that racket!" came a shout, and the old lady with her cane came limping into the room.

She surveyed the room, then eyed the three soldiers, at this time the two CP's came into the living room. The Elite walked over to the woman and pointed his rifle at her.

"You are under arrest!" he shouted.

Then the unthinkable happened. The old lady walked up to the Elite, raised her heavy cane, and smacked him in the shins with it. Hard.

"Who do you think you are bargin' into ma house like that and shoutin' orders like you aint got no sense!" she yelled.

The Elite clutched as his leg in pain. In the corner the two Overwatch soldiers raised their rifles but the lady stopped them.

"You want some of this too?" she asked them.

They lowered their rifles and looked at each other. "That's what I thought, now all of ya'll come into the kitchen for tea."

She then looked at the Elite, "As for you, you stay in here, I want to have a few words with you."

The two CP's and the two Overwatch soldiers walked single file into the kitchen, then took their seats at an old wooden table. They were overcome with the absurdity of the situation.

Meanwhile in the living room, the Elite was being disciplined. "What is the matter with you?" she half asked, half yelled. "Didn't your mama ever you give you any home trainin! To think, you would come in here with your guns an' try an' scare a poor old woman! Now go into the kitchen!" she yelled.

"But.." the Elite protested.

She pointed, "I said go!"

The Elite hung his head and walked into the kitchen, followed by the woman.

Across the road and perched on a hilltop sat a man in a blue suit and a blue tie. He watched the entire seen unfold through the windows of the house, and he could hear the woman screaming from the kitchen. After awhile the Combine left in their APC empty handed and humiliated. The man stood, straightened his tie and smiled.

"And people sssay… I don't have a sssensse of humor." He said, then walked away.

A/N: This is an idea I came up with at like three in the morning so, let me know what you think. Should do some more funnies or should I just stick with the whole action thing. REVIEW!!! If you don't I will…not do…anything. Just review, it will make me a happy man.