Title: Hard To See
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon (or Hollyoaks)
Notes: This is what happens when people persuade me to watch Hollyoaks and it's full to the brim with really hot gays. I swear, if Craig and John Paul don't get together in the end, I am going to kick up a serious fuss. Sorry I nicked a few lines. Anyway, the names in italics (i.e. 'Taichi' and 'Yamato') at the beginning of each part tell you who's POV it is, because it switches quite a lot. I think that's all.
I paced up and down, raking my hands roughly through my hair. What was the matter with me? I was so restless. Things never usually got to me so badly, not even if I'd lost a football game or if I'd had a huge row with Yamato.
Ah, there was his name again. It seriously would not get out of my head, and I wasn't entirely sure why. It was unnerving. I sat on the floor and groaned; I didn't understand what was happening to me. I shouldn't have been so worked up. I should have just accepted the fact that he was gay and that he loved me and got on with life as usual. If it had been anybody else I was sure it wouldn't have fazed me. But it had fazed me, and it made me anxious.
So anxious, in fact, that I decided I needed to go downstairs and have a drink.
I was halfway through my whiskey when he was in my head again. This time I could see him; I could see his face and his ever immaculate hair and he was just staring at me with those goddamn eyes of his. Was he staring at me because he loved me? Or was it because I'd recently been the worst excuse for a best friend ever? Either way, I wanted him to stop, or to be able to switch off my brain so I couldn't see him.
After downing the rest of my whiskey I slammed my fist into the counter. I had been so stupid. All he'd done was tell me the truth, and I threw it back in his face along with a bunch of harsh names. What was worse was that I didn't even know why I'd done it. I didn't have anything against gays. It had just come out without thinking.
I'd hurt my best friend without reason. It was a horrible feeling.
By the time I'd nearly finished my second glass I was feeling understandably confident. I wanted nothing more than to sort out this mess, and that was exactly what I was going to do. I put my glass down and stumbled out of my front door.
That bastard. That complete and utter bastard. How on earth had I managed to fall in love with someone as arrogant and narrow-minded as that? It was madness. He was supposed to be my best friend, wasn't he? Pah. He was a sorry excuse for a best friend. Best friends were supposed to be caring and accepting.
I was thinking that maybe I'd go play some guitar to calm myself down when the doorbell rang. Getting up from the sofa, I wondered if it was TK dropping by. Or maybe even Dad coming home early, although he should have had a key. When I opened the door, I saw the last person I'd wanted to see right then. Taichi was standing with his hands in his pockets, looking like he was fuming in the direction of the floor. It took him a few moments to redirect that gaze at me, but when he did all my anger from a few days ago came flooding back and I made a move to slam the door on him.
"Wait," his hand stopped the door, and there was a short pause while he shuffled a bit before he carried on. "Is your dad home?
I waited for him to reply, but nothing came. He just stood there with his hand on my door, and I began to grow more agitated. "Look, what do you want? If you're only here to-"
"Can I come in?"
That surprised me. Without even thinking about it I stepped aside to let him past, and I wondered what he was doing. I swore, I wouldn't hesitate to beat the crap out of him if he only came over to bring up the whole issue about me being gay and in love with him, and to tell me once again how much of a disgusting faggot I was. I closed the door and warily followed him into the living room.
As I stood there in his living room, I realised that maybe I should have thought this through a bit before I left. I didn't have a clue what I was going to say now that I was there. A plan would have been very helpful. Without one I just felt awkward because he was obviously still bitter about the whole thing. I heard him come into the room, and we stood in silence for a while before I couldn't stand it any more.
"So…how are you?"
"Dandy." His reply was blunt and stiff, and it made me inwardly wince. But the silence was worse, so I forced myself to continue.
I nodded, not looking at him, trying to think of something else to say. I could tell he was giving me that death glare he only gave people who had really pissed him off, so I had to try my best not to make it any worse if I wanted a chance of being forgiven.
As I opened and closed my mouth, changing my mind over and over about talking, I realised that I'd gotten tense again. I obviously hadn't drunk enough whiskey earlier to make this easy. "Do you have anything to drink?"
He left the room again without answering, and I started to bounce on the heels of my feet. I didn't understand why I was getting so damn nervous. It was only Yamato, and it wasn't like we'd never fought before or anything. He was always sore with me after we'd had a fight, so why was this time any different?
I guessed maybe this time it had been more of a personal attack. I bit back a sigh and, as he handed me a glass of a drink which was hopefully alcoholic, I wondered why it was so difficult to get an apology out of my mouth.
I watched as he quickly downed the gin and tonic I'd made for him. It was then I realised that something had to be up; he only really drank when he was stressed, and even then he only nursed his drinks. He never just drank them like that.
Folding my arms across my chest tightly, I continued to watch him. I would have broken the silence if I'd had anything to say to him, but I'd said it all a few days ago. There was nothing I wanted to talk to him about. I just wanted him to get over with whatever he'd come over for and leave.
He put his glass down, and I expected him to look at me but he didn't. He just stuffed his hands back in his pockets and stood there, looking very out of place.
I couldn't help but think about how damn hot he was, even just standing there and even after all the things he'd said to me. His hair was a little more dishevelled than usual, which only served to make it look sexier. He was dressed in a tank top and knee length shorts, both of which showed off his muscular build and tanned skin from playing a little too much sport in the sun.
God, I could've done naughty things to him if he wasn't being such a prick.
I soon got fed up of him constantly making expressions like he was going to say something, and then changing his mind. "Taichi, if you're not here for a reason I'd like you to leave."
I blinked. "What?"
"How long have you been gay for?"
I bit my tongue at his tone. I knew he was only here to take the piss some more. Well, I wasn't having it. "Taichi-"
I mentally cringed each time the words left my mouth. I really didn't mean for it to sound so harsh; I was genuinely curious. We'd gone straight into an argument after he came out to me, so I hadn't had the opportunity to ask him about anything.
I didn't dare look at him. He must've been so mad with me, especially if he'd taken what I was saying in a bad way, like it sounded.
Eventually, after a long pause, he answered my question. "Quite a while."
I nodded slowly, trying to make sure I didn't do anything to make him madder. He sounded pissed off already, and I knew he didn't want me to be there. But I had to get this sorted out. I went to apologise, but the words still just would not come out.
Instead I nodded again. What else could I do? I wanted to apologise but I couldn't, and it would have been a really bad idea to just do nothing because he'd kick me out and I'd never get to tell him I was sorry.
I opened my mouth, determined to get this apology out. "I'm…"
It was progress, I supposed. He just stared at me blankly, waiting for me to continue. I tried, but I couldn't even get the 'I'm' out again this time, let alone the 'sorry' as well.
"What, Taichi? Listen, if you're here to ridicule me or make fun of me you can get out now, because I don't want to hear it. I don't take back anything I said to you before. It was all the truth and you can either take it or leave it."
He didn't realise how wrong he was. I must have been giving out all the wrong signals, like I hated him or something. What a stupid thought; he was my best friend, and I could never hate him. He knew that, I hoped, but unfortunately it wasn't going to get me out of apologising.
He looked at me without the anger there had been when he'd arrived, and I could immediately tell that something was really bothering him. His eyes had always given him away, especially to me; he couldn't hide anything when all his emotions were on display like that.
It seemed as if he was scared.
I softened up a bit when I realised this, but it didn't stop me wondering what he had to be scared of. He didn't have to be afraid of me; he knew from experience that, if we got into a fight, he could give just as well as he got.
He turned back to the floor like he was ashamed or something. "How long have you been in love with me?"
I wasn't going to lie to him. "A long time."
Rubbing his eyes, he stuttered a little bit. I could tell he really hadn't thought this visit through. I still didn't know why he was visiting at all, to be honest. He'd just been asking questions.
Soon he got his mouth under control and he asked another one. "Did you love me while you were with Sora?"
Had I even been with Sora at all? Oh God, I had. But that was a good few years ago, which must have been why I'd forgotten about it. We weren't all that serious anyway so it didn't matter. Now that I thought about it, I remembered Taichi always used to insist on playing gooseberry while we went on dates. I suppose that had been a factor in our breaking up. I looked at the floor too as I answered his question. "Yeah."
He didn't reply, so I assumed he was nodding again. I didn't understand. What was he doing? Was he doing this on purpose, to torment me? Because if he was, he was doing a damn good job of it. He knew full well that he could ask me anything and I wouldn't lie, so he must have been taking advantage of it. It wasn't fair.
Wow. He'd been in love with me for so long. How was it possible that I hadn't noticed? Was I that thick?
I was surprised when I felt the vaguely familiar feeling of a lump in my throat and water collecting in my eyes. I was about to cry. What the hell was going on? I had nothing to cry about. I swallowed back the lump loudly and refused to let the tears fall as I asked him another question.
"Have…" I inwardly flinched as I heard my voice cracking, and fought with everything I had to keep it normal, "…have you ever been with a guy?"
He nodded and it hurt. "Yes."
I fixed my gaze on a dirty bit of the carpet and focused on stopping my eyes overflowing. It was more important than whether my voice was cracking or not. "When?"
He shuffled, obviously not wanting to answer. "A few months ago."
I hurt again, and I didn't understand. I shouldn't have been hurting. He was just answering the questions I was asking him, it wasn't a big deal. But the tears just would not go away and I felt…something. It was very unfamiliar, and I didn't know what it was. It was almost like a bizarre blend of pain, jealousy and something I couldn't quite put my finger on.
For a moment I opened my mouth, intending to ask who, but I thought better of it. I didn't need to know who it was, it wasn't important. If he wanted to tell me another time then he could. I asked a different question instead; one which I thought was far more important.
Although, it took a while to get the lump in my throat out of the way enough for me to speak. "…Did you love him?"
I faced him and ended up looking him straight in the eyes. It surprised me to see a few tears falling down his face. What was he crying about?
I had to admit, I knew it wouldn't be long before I started too. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Except, I knew why I was going to cry; it would be because the guy I loved was toying with me, and it was hurting so much. I couldn't understand how something as simple as me loving him could make him act like this.
We just watched each other for the longest time with shiny eyes before I remembered that he'd asked me a question. I didn't look away when I answered, "No."
He choked down a sob, and I felt my own tears on my cheeks. I figured that I really needed to get my thoughts out in the open before I started to cry uncontrollably. It wouldn't be long.
Sobbing again, he tried to get there first. "So you-"
I quickly interrupted. "Taichi, why are you doing this? Are you making fun of me?"
He looked away and opened his mouth but I carried on.
"I love you. I mean, is that what you came here to hear? So you could laugh at me some more? I…I don't understand, Taichi. How can you possibly get pleasure from tormenting me like this?"
His sobs were getting worse. My cheeks were getting wetter and my voice had been getting higher with every word I said. Was I making him cry? I hoped not. I didn't care how much he made me suffer as long as I didn't do the same to him.
He moved a couple of steps closer to me and looked up again. Why wouldn't he answer me?
We were both crying, and that had never been a good sign in all the time we'd known each other.
Why didn't he understand? I was beginning to put the pieces together in my head and it was all beginning to make a little bit of sense. He'd usually understand these things before I would, so I didn't know why he was so convinced that I was trying to hurt him. He must've been stupid not to realise that I was trying to say I was sorry.
I moved again. We were really close now, nearly touching. I could feel his breath on my face, and he couldn't hide the way he was looking at me with his eyes full of yearning. I blinked, more tears spilling down my face at the movement, and licked my dry lips. I wasn't going to answer his questions; he should have known the answers already.
"But you still love me?"
He nodded without looking away, his voice finally cracking. "More than anything."
I had to screw my face up to stop myself sobbing again when I felt something metaphorically burst inside me at his words. It was another puzzle piece inside my head, and there was only one left. It was pretty clear what it was, but I had to make sure.
Yamato's eyes widened when I leaned closer, and he realised what I was going to do. He shook his head uncertainly. "Taichi…don't…"
"I need to know."
I closed the gap. He didn't put up any more resistance, and nothing had ever felt so right. But the kiss was short, and we both pulled back a short distance.
"I…" I began, still crying, not entirely sure where I was going with the sentence, "…I…I love you."
This time, he was the one who closed the gap between us. All the unanswered questions we both had could wait, because at that moment, time stopped around us and nothing could take it away.