rating: notin but nc17!!
Summary: Hisoka realizes why he risked his immortal life to save Tsuzuki...and confesses his love. But...how does Tsuzuki react??
Hisoka gazed at the sky. He'd been walking around outside the hotel for a while now. Tatsumi had told him that the Judgment Bureau was giving them both a few days to relax after their "tragic incident". He closed his eyes. Tears. All he saw were tears. Tsuzuki's tears. He couldn't bear it. Ever since he saved Tsuzuki, all he saw was Tsuzuki's face when he told Hisoka that he'd had enough. 'I...want to die...I've already lived too long...I'm so tired...' Hisoka groaned. His still felt Tsuzuki's guilt...his regret...his pain... He couldn't take it. "Hisoka?" Hisoka opened his eyes and turned. "Is something wrong, Hisoka?" Hisoka let out a sigh of relief. Tsuzuki. "No..." The younger shinigami sounded almost...pained. "...Tell me, Hisoka. What's wrong?" The man said softly, as he put his hand on Hisoka's shoulder. "I..." The boy looked down. He felt hot tears sting his cheeks. Tsuzuki pulled boy next to him, softly running his hand down Hisoka's back. "It's ok..." Tsuzuki whispered. Hisoka was sobbing inconsolably.
"I was so scared...I thought I would really lose you..."Hisoka said between sobs. "Hisoka...it's o--" Hisoka grabbed Tsuzuki's shirt tightly. "No, it's not! How do you know if it's gonna be ok? What if it's never gonna be ok??" Hisoka looked up, into the man's eyes. "What would I have done with out you??" Tsuzuki's eyes widened. He couldn't bear to see his partner like this. Hisoka was never like this. "Hisoka, I--" Hisoka let his head drop to Tsuzuki's chest. "Promise me...promise you'll stay...don't ever try to leave me..." Hisoka trailed off. Tsuzuki felt tears fall down his own cheeks too. "Hisoka..." He pulled the sobbing boy close to his chest. "Your right...I...I don't know...if it will ever be ok..." They clung to each other for a long time, never wanting to let go...fearing they would never hold each other again. "Tsuzuki..." Hisoka whispered. "Can we stay like this...for forever, I mean..." "Mmmmm..." Tsuzuki replied. After a moment, Tsuzuki whispered to the boy "Let's go inside...it's starting to get cold..." Hisoka weakly followed Tsuzuki inside.
The only light in the room was the light that danced and flickered from the fireplace. They sat on the couch in the living room. Tsuzuki's back was to the arm of the chair, the small boy laying between the man's legs, his small back pressed to Tsuzuki's chest. Hisoka had his arms draped carelessly across his stomach, one of his partner's arm's draped across his own: their fingers intertwined. They lay together under a soft, thick white blanket. Hisoka turned his head to look at the fire, and when he did so, he could hear Tsuzuki's soft heartbeat. He sighed and closed his eyes. They lay like that for what seemed like forever, until Tsuzuki finally broke the silence. "Hisoka..." He whispered. "Why did you save me?" Hisoka heart stopped as Tsuzuki's words hung thick and heavy in the air. Hisoka let his eyes fall to the fireplace.
"I..." He didn't know what to say. What could he say? He felt tears gathering at the corners of his eyes again. Hisoka closed his eyes, trying to get his emotions under control. When he opened them again, tears fell down his cheeks. "I..." His voice cracked with emotion. Tsuzuki brought his other arm up and draped it over Hisoka's chest, holding onto the boy's shoulder. He leaned down, resting his chin on the boy's head. He held his partner tightly, comforting the boy. "I...because I..." There was no other way to say it. "...Because I love you..." Hisoka felt the man's startled breath, as he went on. "You were the only one who cared for me...I couldn't lose you...I need you." Hisoka let go of the man's hand and turned in his arms. He clung to Tsuzuki's chest, sobbing as the man tightened his arms around the boy. "I don't know what I would do if you had...if you..." He couldn't continue. He couldn't say the words 'if you had died'.
Tsuzuki felt tears stinging his own cheeks once more. He couldn't bear to see Hisoka cry. It was painful. He thought killing himself would be for the better. He didn't know Hisoka cared so much...He pressed his lips to the boys head, closing his eyes. After a long time, they both silently let their eyes fall to the dying fire. "Tsuzuki..." Hisoka whispered under his breath. "I want you to do me a favor..." Tsuzuki propped his chin up in Hisoka's head. "What's that?" There was as thick silene that hung in the air for a while. Hisoka idly played with the man's shirt. "I want you to take me..." Hisoka whispered almost inaudibly. Hisoka sat up on his knees. His hands still on Tsuzuki's stomach. They stared at each other for a long time. Tsuzuki's eyes where wide with shock. "Hisoka I-" Hisoka cut him off. "Please, Tsuzuki. I need this...we both do..." Tsuzuki was at a loss of words. Hisoka slowly stroked up the man's chest. Tsuzuki grabbed his hands. "Hisoka...we shouldn't" Hisoka looked shocked. "B-but why?" Tsuzuki couldn't breathe. "Because..." Hisoka felt Tsuzuki's heart skip a beat under his fingertips.
"Don't pretend you don't love me..."Hisoka said softly, blinking back tears. "We both need this...to bind ourselves to each other..." Hisoka wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. Tsuzuki held Hisoka's shoulders, then leaned forward and touched his lips to his young partner's. Hisoka brought his hands up and gently held Tsuzuki's jaw. They pulled apart, Tsuzuki softly caressed Hisoka's cheek. "How could you ever think that I would pretend to not love you?" Tsuzuki whispered against his partner's lips. "I would sell my soul to make you happy. I would die just to see you smile at me..." Hisoka felt his eyes moisten. "Tsuzuki..." Hisoka leaned forward and gently kissed the man again. "I wouldn't be happy if you were dead. I would never smile if you weren't here..." Tsuzuki smiled. "Hisoka...", He moaned
Hisoka kissed the man's neck as he spoke. He ran his hand's up Tsuzuki's legs, and up his chest. Tsuzuki felt their passion building as he traced his fingers down Hisoka's narrow back. The teen kissed the man forcefully, pushing his tongue into Tsuzuki's mouth. Tsuzuki broke the kiss grunting in frustration. "This isn't gonna work." He mumbled. He stood, taking Hisoka with him. Hisoka would have fallen if he didn't grab onto Tsuzuki's neck. The older shinigami wasn't ready for Hisoka's squirming, and they both fell over. Laughing, Tsuzuki pulled the grumbling boy to his chest, kissing him passionately. Once they had parted, Tsuzuki stood, helping his young partner up as well. Hisoka let out an explosive breath of impatience as he lunged for Tsuzuki's mouth. He craved more of the man's velvet lips, his hot tongue. When they parted, they were in the kitchen. Tsuzuki didn't care if they were on the back porch: he wanted Hisoka...and he wanted him now.
Hisoka, apparently noticing their surroundings, pushed his lips to Tsuzuki's, his hands slipping up the man's shirt. Tsuzuki pushed the boy to the refrigerator, passionately kissing the boy's neck as his hands idly traced Hisoka's contained erection. Hisoka moaned as Tsuzuki pulled away, vaguely noticing that his love had pulled of his shirt. Repeating his lover's gesture, Hisoka hastily pulled off his own shirt, as Tsuzuki rummaged through the fridge. Tsuzuki heard his young partner groan loudly. "Of course the only thing on your mind is food..." Tsuzuki set something on the counter, making it unable to see what it was.
The older Shinigami seized his partner by the waist, pulling him close. "No..." Tsuzuki groaned in Hisoka's ear. "The only thing that's on my mind..." His hands slipped under Hisoka's waist band, giving his straining cock a tight squeeze. "...is you." He licked Hisoka's ear, listening in delight as the boy moaned. "Th-en what did you get f-from the fridge?" Hisoka's breath began to quicken as Tsuzuki began to slide down his own pants. Upon seeing Tsuzuki's straining erection push at the fabric of his boxers, Hisoka moaned and ran his hands down the man's well muscled chest. Tsuzuki pulled the boy close, their cock's rubbing against one another through the fabric of their boxers. "You'll see..." The man pressed his lips to Hisoka's, before lifting him up so that Hisoka's legs were around the man's waist. Tsuzuki set Hisoka down on the island, then turned back to what he had set on the counter before. With his back still to the boy, Tsuzuki said,
"Now take off your boxers...and lay back..." Hisoka hesitantly complied. When he laid back on the cold counter, a sudden, unwanted memory came to mind. He remembered that cold night...looking up at the blood red moon from the cold, hard ground... "Are you ok, Hisoka?" A familiar voice seemed to cut through his horrid thought. "Fine..." Hisoka said to Tsuzuki. Hisoka propped himself up on his elbows. The island only came up to the bottom of the man's hips, making it easy for him to lean over Hisoka. The man kissed the boy passionately. Once they parted, Tsuzuki revealed to his partner what he held. Whipped cream. The boy let out a small whimper of excitement. Tsuzuki shook the can and opened the lid. "Now lean back, love..." Hisoka moaned, leaning back like he was told. Tsuzuki loomed over him, which didn't surprise Hisoka; Tsuzuki was very tall, and the counter came only came up to the bottom of his lover's hips. Hisoka's eyes flew open as he felt the cold, white substance on his skin. Looking down, he saw Tsuzuki spraying each of his nipples with the whipped cream, moaning fiercely as he licked it off.
Hisoka took the can out of the man's hand, spraying the cold cream all down his chest. "Oops...silly me..." Hisoka looked at the man seductively. "Look's like I got some whipped cream on my chest." Tsuzuki smiled. How assertive the boy was! It just increased his pleasure. "Don't worry, my beloved...I'll clean it for you" Tsuzuki moved from licking and kissing Hisoka's neck to licking all of the cream off of his lover's chest. The teen moaned, setting the can aside to lace his finders through the man's soft dusky colored hair...mewling as the older man came to the waist band of his boxers. Tsuzuki pulled them off of the young boy, revealing his hard cock. The older shinigami moaned as Hisoka wrapped his legs around the man. He sat up, becoming much taller than his partner, for he sat on the counter. He took Tsuzuki's face in his hands, tilting it upward. After gazing into the gorgeous man's irresistible eyes, he gently kissed Tsuzuki. "Mmmm... Hisoka..." Tsuzuki mumbled, before the boy pulled him in for another deep kiss. "I love you..." Hisoka whispered against the man's lips. Tsuzuki began to kiss his young man's jaw. "Mmm?" Hisoka laced his hands deep in Tsuzuki's hair. He moaned as the man's wonderful mouth moved lower, to his collar bone.
'I s-said I-I...I love you." Tsuzuki stopped, pulling back to look into the boy's brilliant emerald eyes. Hisoka looked away. He saw Tsuzuki's face, streaked with tears again. "Hisoka...?" He felt the man's pain...his guilt. "What is it..." The man grabbed Hisoka's chin and tilted the boy's face toward him. Hisoka looked down. "I...my emotions are confusing me..." He looked back at Tsuzuki. "I feel it was...wrong to save you...to go against your wishes...but then again... I realized that...I loved you" Tsuzuki looked down. " 'Loved'? As in..." Tsuzuki swallowed. "...past tense?" The man's voice sounded strained. "Past...present...future..." Hisoka kissed the man's closed eye lids. "...and everything in between." Tsuzuki smiled. "I love you..." He kissed the boy tenderly. "I love you so much, Hisoka." Hisoka reached for the can of cream. "Tsuzuki..." The boy said breathlessly, as he shoved the can into Tsuzuki's trembling hands.
"You've no idea...how much I need you...NOW." Tsuzuki swallowed hard. "No." Hisoka's eyes grew wider, as Tsuzuki looked away. "T-tsuzuki...w-what do y-you mean n-no?" Tsuzuki couldn't bring himself to look into the boy's eyes. Tsuzuki looked up, not looking into the boy's eyes. He stroked Hisoka's face with the back of his fingers. "Hisoka..." he whispered, then a little louder he said "You know I love you--" Hisoka angrily grabbed Tsuzuki's face in his hands, forcing the man to look him in the eye. Tears began to gather in the corner of the young man's eyes, as he angrily shouted, "You love me? Then why won't you make me your own??" tears began to fall down his cheeks. "Why..." The boy whispered, letting his hands fall to Tsuzuki's chest, before pressing his head onto Tsuzuki's shoulder. "Hisoka...it will hurt...very much so...and I..." The older man stroked Hisoka's golden brown hair. "...I can't bear to hurt you..." He whispered.
"Tsuzuki..." Hisoka whispered. "Tell me you love me..." There was a long pause, and Hisoka felt as if his insides were being torn to shreds. "I...I don't know the words...to express my feelings of you..." Hisoka bit down, hard. "Then...show me with actions." Hisoka picked his head up and looked fiercely into the man's eyes. "If you love me...then take me! Right now!" Tsuzuki brought his arms up and held onto the boy. "Hisoka...it's automatic to get a response from the body...The flesh isn't the heart."
The man paused to stroke the boy's tense face. When he felt Hisoka relax under his gentle fingers, he continued. "You want my feelings? You've no idea how hard I've tried to tell you..." Hisoka took Tsuzuki's hand and kissed his fingertips. "What are you talking about?" The boy said quietly against his fingertips. "Just tell me how you feel." Tsuzuki pulled his hand away, bringing it back up to caress the boy's wonderful golden brown locks. "No. The words most people use... 'I love you'...doesn't seem right...doesn't seem good enough for you." Hisoka felt...blank. He couldn't even cry, even though that's what he felt like doing. After a long moment of silence, Tsuzuki said, "We ought to get to sleep...it's getting late." Hisoka nodded in absent minded silence.
There were two queen sized beds, separated by a night stand in the extravagant bedroom they had just walked into. As they changed, there was a silence between them that hurt Hisoka's ears more than even the loudest sound. They had never had an awkward silence this...awkward. Even before they had professed their love for one another...they each always wanted to tell the other something. Hisoka was so lost in his own thoughts, that he didn't hear Tsuzuki calling his name. "-oka?"
The boy looked at the man dumfoundedly "...Are you ok, Hisoka? You seem kind of...out of it...since what happened in the kitchen." Hisoka nodded, his thoughts overpowering his ability to speak. "Tsuzuki?" The man looked up from his task of rolling down the sheets on one of the beds, rasing his eye brows, signaling to the boy that he was listening. "D-do you think we could...well I could...um...stay with you?" Tsuzuki gave him a puzzled look. "Of course Hisoka, I'm right in this other bed if-" Hisoka shook his head. "N-no...I mean...together." Tsuzuki looked puzzled for another split second, before realizing what Hisoka wanted. He nodded, smiling.
Hisoka took the elder shinigami's outstretched hand, then climbed into the warm bed. Turning off the light, Tsuzuki climbed in after the boy, settling down on his side. Hisoka laid his head on the man's outstretched arm, laying on his side as well. Tsuzuki rested his chin on the boy's head. Tsuzuki draped his free arm across Hisoka, letting his hand fall to Hisoka's shoulder. Hisoka brought his hand up to Tsuzuki's bare chest, caressing a nipple there. Immediately, Tsuzuki brought his hand over to Hisoka's, his firm hand closing on the boy's small, fragile hand. The older man looked into Hisoka's eyes. "Don't." he said firmly, his voice sounding hoarse. Hisoka shut his eyes, becoming silent for the rest of the night.