ROY MUSTANG: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: This authoress does not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of the respective characters. The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual series format belongs to Theresa Green.
You are now the proud owner of a ROY MUSTANG unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Flame Alchemist, please read the following manual with care, as misuse of the ROY MUSTANG may prove hazardous to your health.
Name: Roy Mustang (AKA The Flame Alchemist. Will also respond to "Colonel", "Colonel-bastard" or "Give back my girlfriend!").
Place of manufacture: Classified Military Information.
Height: 173 cm
Weight: Classified Military Information.
Length: Depending on your personal taste, you may be pleased or disturbed. Or quite possibly both.
Your ROY MUSTANG will come with the following accessories:
One White Shirt
One Navy Blue Military Uniform
One Pair Black Military Boots
One State Alchemist Silver Clock©
One Pair White Ignition Gloves© (made from designer Ignition cloth and emblazoned with a red transmutation circle)
Note: the ROY MUSTANG unit cannot function properly without these gloves and because he is rendered useless without them, he can become quite depressed. To avoid seeing your unit in this sorry state, ensure that he always has a glove on his right hand. If the glove does become wet or ripped, give your ROY MUSTANG a box of matches to play with. This should keep him amused until you have dried or fixed the glove (Caution: to avoid damage to your property, instruct your ROY MUSTANG to play with his matches by the pool or in the bathroom. This way, if he accidentally sets himself alight, you can easily dunk him in the pool/shower/bathtub to avoid extensive damage).Removing your ROY MUSTANG from his box
Approach the box with caution at first, because your ROY MUSTANG may attempt to escape by setting the cardboard alight. To prevent damage to both you and your Flame Alchemist, douse the box with cold water. This should discourage your unit from starting a fire and he will be forced to wait for you to open the box. However, your ROY MUSTANG may be resentful afterwards and there is the possibility that he will refuse to recognise your authority. Convincing him that you have a higher military rank should solve the problem (an eye patch worn over your left eye is enough to fool him).
It is most likely, however, that your ROY MUSTANG will make himself comfortable in the box and refuse to leave. In this case, you will be forced to shake the box while making gun noises and screaming "Colonel!". This should prompt your ROY MUSTANG to burst heroically out of the box, ready for action.
But for a less traumatic experience, inform him that all female military personnel have been issued with mini-skirts. This will get his immediate attention and bring him out of the box. NB: using this method permanently disables his Slash mode. If you wish for your ROY MUSTANG to physically engage with units of the same sex, it is vital that you follow the previous two instructions!Programming
Your ROY MUSTANG will have been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:
Alchemist: The ROY MUSTANG unit is, of course, a qualified and skilled State Alchemist. Use this information to your advantage by hiring him out to local schools as a science teacher or ordering him to escort your offspring or younger siblings safely to and from school.
Bodyguard: Whether because he genuinely likes you or because he believes you to be the Fuhrer, your ROY MUSTANG will protect you at any cost and instantly barbecue any threat.
Firelighter: Your ROY MUSTANG is extremely proficient at creating flames in midair and will have no trouble lighting a fire for you at any time or place. Fancy a barbecue or warm winter fire? Your Flame Alchemist will have you fed and warmed in no time, even under the harshest conditions!
Escort Service: With his natural charm and magnetic sex-appeal, the ROY MUSTANG is guaranteed to win over any hot blooded female (or male). Use this to your advantage and hire out your ROY MUSTANG to earn a truckload of cash in no time!
Your ROY MUSTANG will come with the following modes:
Out of Character (locked)
You may have some difficulty discerning between the Lazy and Bored modes at first, because the ROY MUSTANG unit tends to behave similarly in both modes. However, you will quickly notice that he seeks to do useful (but contrary to what you originally asked) tasks in Bored mode, such as cleaning windows or feeding a BLACK HAYATE unit. Do not attempt to bring your ROY MUSTANG out of his Lazy mode: we have tried and failed.
To easily program a Slash mode, you must first ensure that the Out of Character mode has been unlocked. Once in Slash mode, your ROY MUSTANG may even be tempted to 'teach' an EDWARD ELRIC unit about the birds and the bees.
Relations with other units
EDWARD ELRIC: Your ROY MUSTANG will take immense pleasure in constantly teasing this vertically challenged alchemist. However, your Flame Alchemist is also very protective of the ELRIC BROTHERS and becomes frustrated and angry when an EDWARD ELRIC refuses his help and runs off on his own.
RIZA HAWKEYE: Serving as a dedicated First Lieutenant under your ROY MUSTANG, this strong-willed woman is essential in keeping the ROY MUSTANG focused. While her ideas of discipline may leave a lot to be desired, she will protect the Flame Alchemist at all costs and tend to his wounds when the need arises. Do not be alarmed if she develops a habit of tripping him up – she is only showing that she really does care.
MAES HUGHES: This obsessive family man will annoy your ROY MUSTANG to no end by squealing about his cute daughter over the phone and constantly nagging him about finding a wife. However, these two units share a strong friendship and the MAES HUGHES is the only unit that can bring the ROY MUSTANG out of the Depressed mode.
JEAN HAVOC: This gorgeous smoker serves as Second Lieutenant under the ROY MUSTANG unit. Your Flame Alchemist has a rather nasty habit of stealing his girlfriends (whether he does this on purpose or not is debatable) but the JEAN HAVOC unit still remains fiercely loyal. We advise keeping an eye on him though, in case he one day tries to take revenge on your ROY MUSTANG. You never know, a very sneaky man could be lurking behind that cigarette.
MILITARY POSSE VALUE PACK : These four units, Warrant Officer FARMAN, Lieutenant JEAN HAVOC, Lieutenant BREDA and Sergeant-Major KAINE FURY, are the devoted subordinates of your ROY MUSTANG. If you ever intend moving to a new neighbourhood or city, there is a good chance that your Flame Alchemist will refuse to leave unless these four units accompany him.Cleaning
Since the ROY MUSTANG unit is notoriously lazy and has a habit of doing nothing except sitting around with his chin propped on his hand, you will have to forcibly strip and dunk him in the bath when he gets dirty. If he refuses to cooperate, shoving him into the shower fully clothed will do. Once wet, the unit will (should) be quite eager to get out of his clothes and if he has difficulty with this awkward task, feel free to assist him.
Even though the ROY MUSTANG is a full grown man, you will find it necessary to clean him yourself. He should be quite happy since you are doing most of the work and may enjoy the extra attention. Afterwards, he may even invite you to share a bubble bath with him every night (Caution: although this offer is very tempting, be aware that your ROY MUSTANG may only be making this offer because he is too lazy to clean himself).
WARNING: the manufacturers will not be held responsible for any marital/relationship disputes caused by engaging a ROY MUSTANG in any activities involving water, especially cleaning.Feeding
Your ROY MUSTANG unit cannot be allowed to forage for his own food and water, as he is lazy and will probably starve before going to look for food himself. He will be quite happy on a diet of military rations but will require plenty of caffeine to keep him alert while performing his many duties.Rest
Getting a good nights sleep is not overly important for your ROY MUSTANG, since he spends the majority of his day resting. However, the ROY MUSTANG is a cuddly unit and you may want to use him as a pillow or teddy bear to help you sleep at night.Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My ROY MUSTANG has blisters on his fingers and every time I see them I want to cry! Why is he hurting himself like this and how can I prevent from damaging his beautiful hands?
A: Please ensure that your ROY MUSTANG is wearing his pair of white Ignition Gloves© before you instruct him to start a fire! He will damage his fingers by trying to start a fire with his bare hands and may slip into Depressed mode permanently. If you have lost his gloves, use a box of matches to distract him until the replacements arrive.
Q: I want my ROY MUSTANG to engage in hot and steamy man sex with my EDWARD ELRIC! How do I get the two of them to cooperate between the sheets?
A: To have your ROY MUSTANG show any sexual interest in an EDWARD ELRIC, deprive him of any sleep for at least a week to unlock his Out of Character mode. Once unlocked, you can easily activate his Slash mode and watch the sparks of repressed sexual tension fly during their next argument.
Q: My ROY MUSTANG does nothing the entire day- he just sits in one place, yawning and ignoring all the chores I give him!
A: Why are you complaining? This is perfectly normal behaviour for your ROY MUSTANG! If you really want a personal slave, you might want to consider the heavy-duty ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG unit or the sweet and obedient ALPHONSE ELRIC.
Q: My ROY MUSTANG prefers spending more time with my dog than with me! What the hell is going on?
A: Your ROY MUSTANG is merely fascinated with their loyalty and the fact that they give it even if you mistreat them. This interest is purely innocent and very cute, he is not malfunctioning or perverted. To win back the affection of your ROY MUSTANG, simply do the following: stop treating him like a slave! He can be surprisingly sensitive and needs to exert his authority from time to time on something. For the best results, we recommend playing a game of Master and Slave - with the ROY MUSTANG in charge, of course. And fluffy handcuffs. Not only do these increase his interest in you, but they also boost his operating system to maximum efficiency!
Note: Fluffy Handcuffs© accessory sold separately.
Q: I accidentally let my ROY MUSTANG watch a gory war movie and he ran away! I eventually found him locked in a dark room with transmutation circles drawn all over the walls. Should I be worried?
A: You should damn well be worried, your Flame Alchemist is attempting to perform human transmutation! Never ever allow the ROY MUSTANG to watch violent war movies- he may be a soldier, but scenes of carnage remind him of terrible events in his past and unlock his Depressed mode. To prevent any permanent damage to your unit, have a MAES HUGHES bring him an apple pie baked by a GRACIA unit and initiate the I-Will-Dedicate-My-Life-To-Getting-You-To-The-Top speech mode.
Q: I love my ROY MUSTANG to bits, but the dishes are starting to pile up and my science homework is late because my unit is struggling to cope with all his chores. Is there any way I can get another ROY MUSTANG to help the first one?
A: Due to popular demand, only one ROY MUSTANG unit is allowed per household. But to solve this problem easily, purchase a RIZA HAWKEYE and lock the two units in a room for approximately twenty four hours. By the time you let them out, it should be clear that professional boundaries have been overstepped and will not be long until you have adorable chubby-cheeked little alchemists running around and doing chores.
Note: Contrary to popular fanfiction belief, your ROY MUSTANG is unable to breed with an EDWARD ELRIC unit. At most, both units will be happy and satisfied, but will be unable to produce any black-haired and golden-eyed children, regardless of how much you beg/threaten. Our advice is to swallow your yaoi pride and accept that the ROY MUSTANG was fated to breed with the RIZA HAWKEYE. Do not, however, under any circumstances attempt to breed your ROY MUSTANG with a WINRY ROCKBELL: your unit will sustain heavy emotional damage from contact with a WINRY unit, and will most likely suffer a severe wrench-induced head injury.Troubleshooting
Problem: Your ROY MUSTANG and MAES HUGHES are both set to Slash mode but the MAES HUGHES unit still refuses to engage with the Flame Alchemist in bed.
Solution: A common problem for the yaoi lover but relatively easy to solve. While the MAES HUGHES is hopelessly devoted to his wife and daughter, he can be conned into a relationship with a ROY MUSTANG if you take the following steps:
Sneak up behind your MAES HUGHES, preferably when he is preoccupied with a slide show of Elysia, and knock him unconscious. Once he wakes up, he should be groggy and confused (if not, give him a few shots of tequila to speed up the process). You should then whisper in his ear, "You have no daughter. You have no wife. You are a single and very lonely man." Before he has time to think otherwise, dump your ROY MUSTANG in his lap with a bottle of whiskey and leave the room. It should not be long before you hear drunken renditions of male buddy songs such as Toto's "Africa" and The Beatle's "Hey Jude". And after that… well, if you are a yaoi fangirl, you should be more than satisfied with the results!
If you are not a yaoi fan, you are an idiot and are now stuck with two permanently gay units. On the plus side, you now have two attractive, permanently gay units. Live with it.
Problem: With the help of his MILITARY POSSE and the RIZA HAWKEYE, your ROY MUSTANG kicked you out of the house and declared himself Fuhrer.
Solution: Sadly, there is nothing you can do about this. You were stupid enough to let them all gather under one roof so it would be best to find a new house, buy a new ROY MUSTANG and start over. If you are too traumatised by the experience, start a new life with a KIMBLEY unit instead – he will betray you at some point and most likely run away with a GREED, but hey, at least you'll know it's coming.
Problem: Your ROY MUSTANG has a strange expression on his face and is attempting to sneak out of the house.
Solution: He probably scored himself a hot date when you sent him out on his daily errands. To curb your jealous rage and show possession, tie him down to the bed and punish your naughty unit. By the time you have finished 'punishing' your Flame Alchemist, he should be too tired to even consider going out and you would have learned never to leave your ROY MUSTANG alone in public again.
After many years of companionship and loyal service from your Flame Alchemist, you will undoubtedly reach the end of your lifespan. But as your ROY MUSTANG is a Certified BishonenÓ, he will linger for many generations to come, providing your descendents with many adorable round-faced babies and wonderful memories. If you wish to reduce the kidnapping and bloodshed, remember to specify which of your children shall inherit your ROY MUSTANG in your will.