A/N: This is a story I wrote for my sister (Mary) on her sixteenth birthday. It's supposed to be silly and definitely isn't supposed to make a lot of sense. I wrote this in one night, so consider yourself warned.
One fine spring day Mary was happily drawing in an alleyway.
"Why am I drawing in an alleyway?" she wondered aloud.
Because I Said You Were — the narrator replied.
"What am I drawing on?" asked a paperless Mary.
Umm, The Wall? — the narrator suggested.
"What am I drawing with?" asked a, still paperless Mary. Suddenly a piece of chalk appeared in her hand. "Hey, you can't do that," Mary complained, "Nobody knows where this chalk came from!"
I Can So Do That! —insisted the narrator — I'm The One Writing The Story!
"Whatever," said Mary as she continued to draw.
"Why am I drawing anyway?" she asked.
AAAUUUGH! — yelled the narrator, pulling her hair out — Why Do You Ask So Many Questions?!
"You're the one writing the story," Mary observed.
Defeated by that remark, the narrator continued.
Anyway, Mary was happily, yes happily drawing in an alleyway when she heard a sudden crash. She looked toward where the sound had come from and saw a tall, skinny man wearing a mask standing in the middle of the alley.
"Who is it?" Mary asked the narrator.
Shut Up And Let Me Narrate! — the narrator hissed.
"You there, girlie," said the man, "have you seen Helena?"
"Um, no," said Mary, "Who are you?"
"I'm Valentine," said the man, "and I'm a very important… Hey! Wait a minute! How'd I get here anyway?
Um Duh! — said the narrator — You Used The Mirror Mask.
"Oh," said Valentine, "Well, where is it now?"
Uh, Back In Your World — the narrator responded — Like In The Movie.
"So then, how do I get back?" asked Valentine.
"You don't know, do you," Valentine intoned soberly.
Er, I'm Working On It — the narrator responded sheepishly.
"So, what are you doing here?" Mary inquired.
"Some terrible creatures have recently entered our world," explained Valentine, "We figure Helena must have drawn them, so we're trying to find her so we can get her to erase them."
Suddenly, Helena appeared out of thin air right next to Mary.
"Where'd she come from?" asked Valentine.
I Said "out of thin air" — replied the narrator.
"No, really," said Helena, "How did I get here?"JUST LET ME TELL THE STORY! — the narrator responded in a frighteningly demonic voice.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE A WAITER!" Valentine shouted randomly.
"Why'd you yell that?" Helena asked.
"I'm not sure," replied Valentine.
"Oh. Well, what are you doing here anyway?" asked Helena.
"The White Queen wants you to erase those terrible creatures you've drawn."
"Umm, what terrible creatures?" Helena asked.
"Well," said Valentine, "They're kinda short and chubby, all a different color, and have an antenna bent into different shapes. Oh, and they've got this funny little window on their stomachs through which you can see several miniature unmasked children, which I imagine they've probably eaten."
"Wait a minute!" said Mary, "That sounds like Teletubbies!"
"That's what they keep singin'!" exclaimed Valentine, "Telly-tubbys, Telly-tubbys, say hello. I can't get the blasted song outta my head! Then that purple one with the triangle keeps chasin' me around like some kind of freak! Wants to give me a, "big hug," or somethin'."
"Ugh, I wouldn't draw a Teletubby to save my life!" Helena said in disgust.
"Well, if you didn't draw them," said Valentine, "how did they get in our world?"
Somewhere in the Underground, Jareth laughed as he explained to Chamberlain the Skeksis how he successfully transported four annoying P.B.S. children's show characters to an innocent and unsuspecting world.
"Wait! What am I doing in the Underground?!" exclaimed Chamberlain.
ARRG! IT'S A CONSPIRACY! I KNOW IT! — screamed the narrator.
"Hey, what about Kermit?" Mary asked out of nowhere.
Beg Pardon? — said the narrator.
"Well, I mean, everything else here is Jim Henson, so-"
"TELETUBBIES ARE NOT JIM HENSON!" boomed the ghost of Jim Henson, "NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!"
Besides — said the narrator — Muppets Aren't A Part Of This Story.
"But I love Muppets," Mary whined.
All Right! All Right! I'll Do It!
Just then, Kermit hopped into the alleyway, stopped briefly to say, "Hi ho, Kermit the frog here," and hopped away.
"KEEEEEEERRRRRRRMIIIIIIIIIIT!" Mary screeched like the over obsessed Muppets fan she is.
"Wee-ird," mouthed a very creeped out Helena.
"It's my birthday," Mary randomly pointed out.
"Oh, and I suppose that makes it okay that my home is being terrorized by Tellywhosits," said Valentine sarcastically.
"No, actually, it means I really don't care," Mary returned.
"When do we get rid of those stupid things anyway?" asked Valentine.
When I Write That You Did — replied the narrator.
"Can't you just write it so it never happened in the first place?" asked Valentine, "I'm tired and I want to go home."
Oh, Would You Guys Like That? — sneered the narrator — Would You Like For Me To Write It So It Never Happened? Would You Like For Me To Write That There Were Never Actually Any Terrorizing Teletubbies, That There Was Never Actually Any Adventure To Be Had? Would You Like To Completely Thwart My Attempt At Writing My Sister A Decent Birthday Story?!
"YES!" replied everyone including Kermit and Jareth. (Chamberlain was too busy picking his teeth from the rat he'd eaten that morning.)
Fine! — said the narrator — I'm Tired Of Dealing With You People Anyway!
So, as it turned out, none of this had actually ever happened. Helena and Valentine returned to their homes, (Which they had never left in the first place as none of this ever actually happened.) Mary woke up wondering if it had all been a dream, (Except she didn't really know what she was wondering about since none of this ever actually happened) but Valentine and Helena had both left her birthday presents (Which she never opened since none of this ever actually happened) as proof of their encounter. (Which, may I remind you, never happened.) The narrator didn't get squat because apparently nobody cared that technically she was the one who saved Valentines world from the evils of the Public Broadcasting Station. Other than that, everyone was actually quite content; except for Jareth who had to listen to Chamberlain's whimper for the rest of eternity. The end.
Jareth: hey! Wait a minute!
I SAID THE END!