Fragments of light through a cold blanket of darkness. Crying skies above. No voice. No hand holding hers, no one around to see her fight against the coming end. Nameless whispers in her ears. Fear.
Blinded, but she doesn't know if it's just the night that has fallen or her eyes that cannot see anymore. Or maybe the pain.
She tries to breathe. She can't.
Her lungs hurt as if she's inhaling thorns and ice. Her head feels heavy. Everything around feels unreal and distant. A nightmare wouldn't be so silent, so still. A nightmare wouldn't be killing her.
It's raining, and I…
The water has soaked her, washed her until she stopped having perception of her own body. Lying in a cradle of mud, Sara shivers.
Flashes of the lab cross her nearly blank mind haphazardly. Faces she knows, smiles she would like to see, hands she would want to feel.
A pair of blue eyes oozing concern. Two tears make them shine. Gil's eyes. Gil's love.
She misses it.
She senses the world, alive out of this prison she's been trapped in. Metal sheets surround her like a deadly embrace. Enveloped in a coffin of iron, Sara is scared.
Everything seems so quiet…
Her fingers dig into the thick mud, seeking for a way out, grasping at a ghost of hope. Numbness.
She struggles, she strives, with all the strength she's left. Too weak, too desperate, too suffocated by the thoughts pushing through her like knives. Too pale that ghost. Not enough.
Her heart is sore as she endeavours to breathe. Something warm drips from her side on the hand struck under the car.
Sara shivers again. Her eyes close.
Not now… It's too soon. Not now, please.
A coyote howls to the moon. It's full moon tonight, or so she thinks. Her memory is blurred and confused, her lucidity vanishing. All she knows is the coldness that's caressing her skin.
Wind from the North. Thunders. Loneliness.
It's a tragic movie playing only for her, emphasising her despair. She can see the credits coming along with a requiem.
Rest in peace, but this time it won't work.
It's too dark, and Sara wishes for the dawn. The light. A newborn hope.
Sara knows she's wishing the impossible.
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way, cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain…
Guns 'N' Roses. Old memories and new sensations, new meanings to those words. It can't rain all the time, it can't last forever.
It will end, Sara knows. She just hopes it'll give her the time to say goodbye, because even if she's still not ready – and never will be – it's the minimum she dares praying for.
She can't go without saying goodbye to him.
Just come, please. I don't care if you won't save me.
She doesn't know if the cries she hears are real or just in her head. They're driving her crazy, so sad and so blue, so heartbreaking. Perhaps it's her own voice calling for someone who's not there. Perhaps it's just the moment when everything collides into one last scream of pain. How many people are going to see her like this?
Will they cry?
Will they miss her?
Will they tell her they loved her?
I need you, guys.
And the shivers, the dizziness, the sickness, the cold, the ache fizzling out. She can recognise the symptoms of a fading life when faces them. Even when it's her own life at stake.
So many untold things in Sara's box.
So maybe that has been her destiny all along. Her father died, her mother killed him, and this just to leave her one chance to go on and find a new home. A better, happy home. A family. A real family.
We were so close to getting everything we've always dreamed…
Sara has found it all in the arms of one man. She feels lost at the mere thought she won't see him again one last time. She thinks of when he'll answer the phone and a stranger will tell him everything she hasn't had the chance to tell him herself. She pictures his blanching face, his watery eyes, the phone falling from his hand. She feels his sorrow as she drowns in her own.
I swear I was going to tell you.
Her sins and good deeds are on the scale. Lies, mistakes, unforgivable thoughts. She doesn't believe in god, but those whom she's leaving behind will know. Everyone will see.
The fallen angel on an autopsy table. Dirty and wounded, endlessly waiting. He'll come, he'll find her. He'll hold her, even if she will be no longer there.
Too little time. I wouldn't miss you so much if nothing had happened. I'll miss you forever, you know. Wish there was a way to let you know.
But maybe you do…
And the silence is deep, and deafening, and unbearable, and cuts her inside like a poisonous blade. Barely conscious, barely alive. It's a thin line she's lingering on.
It's a matter of time. She knows she's going to fall.
She hasn't stopped fighting yet. She still believes it's worth the pain, that this effort is not in vain. She trusts her friends, she trusts Grissom. She's standing in a hallway doused in white light as she waits for the miracle to happen. And the seas will be red, and the sky will fall, but she'll be safe.
She won't give in to fear. She values her faith. She values her life. Today it's different from how it used to be. Today she has something to stay for.
That new home, that new happiness, that new family yet to be made, and yet so close.
I don't want to go. I don't, Gil…
Her nails grip the moist ground, they push into the earth and scratch, and scratch, and scratch, as though it could set her free. As though it helped.
Agonizing, she tries to tell the world she's still there, she's still waiting. She's determined to hold on, because it's the only thing she wants. Nearly motionless, she labours to keep breathing. For someone whose life depends on hers.
And so breathing, labouring, struggling, fighting, striving for two. Feeling responsible. Guilty.
Forgive me if I won't make it.
Why is she here? Who did this to her? She can't remember, it haunts her.
What did she do to deserve this? What is she being punished for? Sara searches her mind for a motive, but her conscience is clear.
Innocent, pure, undeserving such a cruel treatment.
Life is unfair, she's always known.
I don't blame anyone, I promise. I know you tried…
The rain seems endless, but its cry is mute. Sara feels she can't hold back the tears anymore.
I can stop being strong, now. It's over, no one will judge me if I cry.
The rain will wash it all away. Dirt, blood, and tears.
Slowly, her head falls loosely to her right, toward the desert and the night. She looks at the pouring rain one last time, and sniffles feebly.
I swear I tried.
Voices arise all of a sudden like an explosion. One, two, three. Uncountable.
Someone is coming, but it's late.
Her eyes close.
She knows this voice. Rough and yet tender. It's new, however, the sheer terror she can vaguely perceive in it. It's painful.
She wants to scream and call him, she wants to tell him she's there. He probably knows, but she doesn't care. He needs to know, she needs to let him know. Before it's too late.
Gil, I didn't tell you…
A yellow light crawls through the shadows and finds her face. She can't see, but she feels it. A warm touch comes into contact with her frozen hand. Soft, caring, familiar. Gil's hand is squeezing hers so tight that she can feel it despite the numbness.
"Baby…" she mutters, but isn't sure he can hear that trembling breath. Who knows if he can understand what she means…
He's staring at her, she feels better, even if she's drifting away.
"Hold in there, honey."
But Sara is too tired.
And the last thing she sees, the last thing she hears, is his eyes cradling her from afar, his loving voice whispering her she's going to be fine. Then it's all gone.
And whatever will happen now, she is not worried. He's come, it was all she wanted.
As long as he's with her, Sara is safe.
Hush, it's okay
Dry your eyes
Soulmate, dry your eyes
Cause soulmates never die
(Placebo, Sleeping With Ghosts)