Chapter 11


"Are you awake?" Lily whispered.

James had just gotten back from a mission the night before, he had been gone for 3 weeks. It had only been his second mission in a year, as he had cut them right down. Lily had just woken up, James had his back to her. She moved over to be close to him, rested her chin on his shoulder, and wrapped her arms around his torso. She ran her hands down his abs, she loved how he still had a washboard stomach even though he never went to the gym. In fact, he was toned all over.

"I am now," mumbled James, opening his eyes with a little smile on his face.

"Sorry," said Lily, loosening her grip on his body.

"Where do you think you're going?" said James, turning and pulling Lily back to him.

"I didn't mean to wake you, I know you must be tired…" said Lily.

"I'd much rather be awake with you," said James, kissing the top of her head. She snuggled into him, enjoying having him back.

"I missed you, it's lonely here without you."

"I missed you too, I'm sorry I had to go away," said James sincerely, stroking his wife's hair.

"It's okay, you hardly ever have to go away now. I was just saying that I'm used to you being around now, I don't feel like I miss you all the time," said Lily quietly.

"That's good," said James, he found it comforting when Lily reassured him that he was making her happy again.

"But the problem is when you do have to go away I miss you even more, and so I end up waking you up when you need to sleep."

"I'm not complaining."

"Did you hear about Alice?" said Lily, wanting to change the subject.

"Yeah, it's great news. Frank couldn't stop talking about it," said James, smiling.

"They'll be great parents," Lily beamed, happy for her good friend.

"They will," James agreed softly, nodding. Lily paused for a moment, taking a few deep breaths before continuing.

"Do you ever think about having kids?" asked Lily nervously.

"Sure, I've thought about it," shrugged James, not noticing how anxious Lily was

"And…?" Lily asked, desperate to know what he thought about it.

"And what?" he asked, clearly oblivious.

"What did you think about it?" said Lily impatiently. Honestly, sometimes James was so dense.

"I dunno…" he said slowly, thinking it over intently. "Yeah, kids would be great. I'd love a huge family, big enough for a decent game of Quidditch. Yeah… one day, we'll have a big family, lots of kids."

"One day?" Lily said, carefully hiding her disappointment.

"Yeah, well this is hardly an ideal time to have a baby, with the war," James said, trying to think like Lily would. She had always told him she didn't want to start a family until the war had ended, or calmed down at least. "We're only 21 anyway, we have plenty of time. We only just got back to being us, let's enjoy it."

"Right, so what you're saying is that you don't want to have kids because it might mean less attention for you," said Lily, using anger to cover up her hurt and worry.

"What?" exclaimed James. How had they gone from lying comfortably talking about their friends to him being too selfish to have kids?

"Well, if that is how you feel…" muttered Lily, angrily as she stormed out of the bedroom.

"Damn PMS, it always has to turn her into Satan," said James, getting up.

Ten minutes later, James was in the kitchen making breakfast. He could hear Lily storming around upstairs, and hoped breakfast would calm her down. He still had no idea what he had said to make her so mad at him. He heard heavy footsteps on the ceiling, indicating that Lily was running around. Then he heard the bathroom door slam shut and Lily retching. She was being sick, he didn't know she was ill.

Then it hit him. The questions about Frank and Alice and babies. The mood swings. And now she was being sick. She was pregnant.

James sprinted upstairs, but he found the bathroom was now empty. He went into the bedroom, Lily was sitting on the edge of the bed. She had been crying.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?" he said calmly, watching her.

"Yes," she sobbed softly.

"How long?"

"I don't know, a few weeks I guess. I just found out yesterday," said Lily, not looking at James, but at the wall behind him.


"I thought you would be happy. I know it wasn't planned, but I still thought you would be happy," said Lily, almost as if she was in a trance. Then her face changed as if she had just thought of something horrific. "You don't think I deliberately got pregnant, do you? That I tried to trick you. I'm just as shocked as you, this is the last thing I was ever expecting to happen."

"No, I don't think you did it on purpose," said James, trying to gather his thoughts.

"What do we do?" asked Lily quietly.

"We have options," said James.

Lily hung her head, and let silent tears fall from her eyes. James didn't want the baby, he wanted her to have a termination. She couldn't do it, she knew she couldn't kill their baby. Unexpected or not, it was still their child, and they deserved to be born.

"Don't cry, it'll be okay," said James, taking a step towards her.

"No it won't," she sobbed.

"Why? What's the matter," he said softly. They were going to have a baby, why would she be crying. It was great news, unexpected but still amazing.

"I don't want to kill our baby. But I don't want to do this without you…"

"What are you talking about? You don't need to do anything without me, ever," said James, sitting down.

"But… you want me to get rid of it."

"What? Why would you think that?" said James, understanding why she was crying now. He curled his index finger under her chin and lifted her head like that. "I do not want you to have a termination. I want us to have this baby."

"You do? But… but you said… options, you said there were options…"

"I'm still trying to take this in. Just calm down Lily, we can talk about this," said James, putting his head in his hands.

"Right…" said Lily. She knew she was emotional, and that she needed to be rational.

They both just sat on the edge of their bed, trying to gather their thoughts. Eventually James turned to Lily, and took her hand in his.

"We're having a baby, I want us to have this baby. Do you want us to have this baby?" he asked her seriously.

"Yes," said Lily quietly. "I don't want to get rid of our child, no matter how bad the timing is. I won't do it."

"I would never want or ask you to," said James, stroking her cheek. "I think we had a little communication problem."

"But you said we had options."

"I'm a moron, I was just so shocked. But I would never want that… what are you thinking?"

"I'm worried about you, you said this morning…" said Lily, not being able to look him in the eye.

"About waiting to have children. Yes in an ideal world, we would wait but now… the baby is here and…" he chuckled happily, "it's bloody fantastic."

"Really?" said Lily, her eyes full of hope.

"Of course, we're having a baby. Why wouldn't I be thrilled?"

"I love you."

"I love you," said James, then he placed his hands over Lily's stomach, cherishing the feelings rushing through him. "And I love you, little one."