On Pointless Accessories Added for the Sake of Impulse

By Sulia Serafine

(Also: WHY JOREN DOES NOT HAVE AN EARRING OR TATTOO)

[Author: This following essay/story (I call it that because it sounds like something they'd make me write in English class, though I refuse to follow those strict rules and criteria ) was created to explain the reason why Joren has a bike and dark depressing clothing but not a tattoo or earring. You may all blame JAELAWYN NOBLE who pestered me for an earring so MUCH that I finally cracked. I screamed and I glared and my eye twitched. Jae, I know you're reading this. I'll let you all know that by the time you have read this, I will have made Jae read it to me on the phone, just to make sure she UNDERSTANDS WHY.]

Upon meeting the young man with chin length blonde hair and icy blue eyes, then observing his behavior and tendencies, a clueless spectator would write him off as one of the bad boys. That his sole purpose was to look 'cool' by looking 'tough'. The trend in stories was to have a bad boy be bad for no good reason, other than urges to feel like a non-conformist... to set the standard in a world of peppy overachievement. The James Dean, the 'Rebel' sparked a thrill for danger. But luckily for this world, there have been writers and directors who see the importance of motivation. Of reason for why people act the way they do. And Joren Stone's reasons would make me proud if they were to finally respected and left alone, to show the improbability and the pointlessness of superficial accessories added to please fangirls.

As cited in Episode 14: Race For Your Lives, in the first season if It Could Be Worse, Joren's past was harsh. He spent the latter of his serious but content childhood with his parents, learning the skills of his father, a motorcycle-loving man. And a champion racer as well. And then tragedy struck. Those of power in Galla became jealous and corrupt. They sought to remove Mr. Stone from his glory at the racetrack. You all know what happened next. They humiliated him, framed him, and banished him. And then... they murdered him and his wife, barely missing their son, Joren, as he was shoved out just in the nick of time. From there, he found he could not stand the Yamanis anymore. He left for the country Mithros, across the ocean. In vain, he concentrated his sole being into training at the Tortall Academy for the Dominion Jewel Protection Force. He completed all academics required, and even then some. He mastered all his drills and physical tests. And finally, he was strong. He was powerful in his own rite. Some men offered him positions in espionage, or other more dangerous and less-spoken about fields. And he accepted.

One must assume that he spent every waking hour to study or train at the Academy, therefore not having the time to think of unnecessary things beyond his father's bike. Some people spend nearly a decade at the Academy. But he managed to cut that time in half with all his efforts. Who would have the free time to go out and get pierced? The same with the short time after that. He was constantly moving around Tusaine, making a reputation for himself with his work. One may also have the liberty to guess that he loosened up a tiny bit during that time, or else he would have broken down a while ago from all the things he has bottled deep within. This can be proved by his sparse drinking, very under control.

This brings the author to a strong point. What in his mind would encourage him to get one? His lifestyle revolved around keeping himself occupied with his work and caring for his father's motorcycle. This way of life was not by any means, intentionally built for the sake of impressing anyone. Who did he have to preen before? No one. If people were fascinated with his cold and stoic behavior, or attracted to the chin length hair he always put off cutting, or the black clothing he used to blend in with the night, then that was their problem. He did none of this for them. Quoted in Episode 2 of the first season of It Could Be Worse: "There are only three things on this earth that I care about. The bike... me...and THE BIKE." Nearly all his documented actions save for his emotional breakdowns could be easily related to affecting himself or his bike. For example, by being concerned for either Cleon's or Keladry's performance on the field, it proves that he was caring about how this would affect himself and his own performance. Joren, knowing that earrings and tatoos had no immediate or long-term benefit, did not make it an issue to get one.

The author is well aware of other superficial accessories that people claim that Joren has. The bike, no matter what you say, is not one of them. It is an extension of his father, having the significance of being a photograph that Joren could keep in his back pocket to stare at when he is depressed. The dark clothing is attributed to how he might use them for camoflauge during the night, as mentioned previously. Before anyone brings it up, the leather jacket with the word Jackal on the collar may be attributed to something secret in Joren's past that has yet to be revealed. If any questions are asked about this, they will be politely turned away until it is answered within the episodes of the story. Sunglasses are not arguable. It is sunny out. One must protect the eyes. Gloves are also in this unarguable category. To protect the hands. The accessories are necessary for Joren to complete his everyday tasks. And earrings and tattoos are not.

In closing, the author would like to invite Mr. Joren Stone himself, to the discussion for what he has to say. At this time, random persons have been selected to question his care/care not persona.

Cleon: Dude, are you sure about the sunglasses? I mean, seriously. I don't wear them. My eyes are fine. *blinks rapidly, then rubs his eyelids*

Joren: *takes off his sunglasses, throws them to the ground and stomps on them so they are reduced to fragments* Next!

Faleron: I don't see the significance for a jacket like that when half the places we go to aren't even that cold. How do you explain that?

Joren: *takes off his jacket, holds it at armlength. Takes a lighter and sets the jacket on fire. Deposits it into a metal trash can* Next.

Neal: I never knew you were a family man. I mean, wow. So, what's with keeping your bike for the sake of your father? Is it really that important to you?

Joren: *gets into a monster truck, revs the engine. Drives right over the Black Knight X40 until it's nothing but scrap metal. Gets down again after parking* Next?

Roald: You don't really drink sparingly just to cool off, do you? I mean, drinking is just as unnecessary as those other things.

Joren: *removes wallet from back pants pocket. Extracts an Alcoholics Anonymous card and shows it to everyone* Next...

Roger and Ozorne: We were wondering if you really like keeping your hair that length, not because you have other things to do than to get a regularly scheduled haircut?

Joren: *takes a pair of scissors and starts cutting off his hair. It's finally short and close to his head, a resemblance to Gene Starwind's final haircut in the last episode of the Outlaw Star* Next...?

Lalasa: Is your job fighting crime just to occupy you and to help you cope with the fact that you couldn't save your parents? Is it really irreplacable in your life?

Joren: *walks up to Commissioner Wyldon, punches him, and uses permanent marker to write on the aged man's face. It reads: I quit-- J. Stone* Nnnneeexxxtt.

Keladry: Um... Was that kiss really supposed to be your attempt at trying to feel something human? Did it mean anything at all to you?

Joren: *gargles mouthwash, spits it out. Goes to a church to take a vow of chastity. Goes to a book publisher and writes the best seller: How to Kiss Your Job Partner and Not Give a Damn While Humiliating the Gullible Fool* Is that all?

The author would like to say right now that the weird mini-story you just read did not really happen. Joren's hair did not really get cut off. His bike is in the garage. He is not rich off a cheesy instructional book. And Wyldon did not cry like a sissy because Joren wrote on his face. It means to emphasize how much-- if it really came down to it-- these things wouldn't mean a thing to him. Thank you for bothering to read this. If someone ever bugs me again about any piercings or tatoos or hair dyes for Joren Stone of ICBW, they will receive my kiss of death. Metaphorically, speaking.