A/N: Here it is ladies and gentlemen, the final chapter of Mountains. I thank all of your for reading and for being patient. I will begin working on the sequel within the month and hope to begin posting then as well. Once again this is not betaed so all errors are my own. Reviews appreciated.
Half an hour later Grissom and Sara left the hospital and started home. Sara was still tired from the pain killer so she said very little. Grissom was lost in his own thoughts so he too was silent.
Grissom walked Bruno and fed him while Sara settled on the bed. Grissom knew she was angry about his display at the hospital so after he changed and joined her in bed he tried to offer an apology, "I'm sorry I overreacted. I didn't mean to embarrass you."
"You did," Sara sighed. "You can't fix it, Gil. It is what it is. You can't coddle me now because of the baby. It won't bring him back. As a matter of fact your fussing only reminds me more that we lost him, as if I needed reminding."
"I know, my love," Grissom sighed. "I'm sorry. I…I wasn't thinking. I know the reminders are everywhere around here. I can't help that, all I can do is love and support you." Grissom placed a kiss on Sara's cheek. "Now I want you to try and eat about half of the meal I fixed before we had to leave. Not too much, okay?"
"Okay," Sara softly agreed. "Only because you asked me to, Gil. The drugs made me queasy."
"I know, honey," Grissom sympathized.
Grissom left Sara to rest while he went to reheat their dinner. Gil's whole body ached with pain over what Sara had to go through physically and emotionally. Everywhere he looked he was reminded of Thomas and the boy hadn't been growing his body. He thought about the ultrasound photo in his wallet and the tiny stuffed bear hidden in his desk. Once her went back to work Sara would be home alone. She always used the computer in is study and cleaned up around his desk. If Sara came across that tiny bear while she was alone she would positively shatter. He quickly made a mental note to hide the bear where Sara wouldn't find it.
When Grissom returned with supper it was all Sara could do to hold the fork she was so drugged and tired. As she ate tiny bites she graced Grissom with a loving smile, "I feel sorry for that old man. Mick, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Grissom replied. "He's a sweet old guy. He kept me company while you slept. He's been married to his wife fifty years. I can't imagine spending my life without you after two years. He's facing Hell."
"I don't know," Sara sighed. "Actually I think part of him loves it. Watching someone you love suffer can be more agonizing than letting them go sometimes. They only thing worse is being the cause of the pain. If it were me in that bed in pain like that poor woman I'd want to die so you didn't want to watch it. It's so sad, a long death."
"A death like that gives you time to say goodbye to the people you love," Grissom pointed out to her. "It gives you closure."
"It can also kill the memories, Gil," Sara said. "And leave behind sorrow and pain. I'm not sure a goodbye is worth that."
"You do have a point," Grissom agreed. "Now is not the time for such talk. You are tired and need your rest. I have a few things to do then I'll join you." Grissom leaned over and placed a soft kiss on Sara's lips. "I love you."
"Mmm," was Sara's soft reply as she drifted to sleep.
Sara awoke hours later with a pressing need to use the bathroom. She rolled over to her side and peered at the alarm clock. It was long after midnight and Grissom's side of their bed was still neatly made. Careful not to pull her abdominal muscles too severely Sara slipped out of bed and tended to her personal needs before pulling on Grissom's heavy terry cloth robe and going in search of him. The entire house was pitch black, not even a lamp or computer screen providing illumination.
She had been worried about Gil. She knew that after his initial worry about the baby he had grown to love little Thomas just as deeply she did though he hadn't shed a tear or expressed a single emotion other than anger or worry over her healing.
Slowly Sara walked toward the kitchen. Gil liked to sit at the table sometimes in the dark and think when he couldn't sleep. Sara hoped to catch him in thought and get him to open up to her. She knew Gil had to be grieving too and it was not at all healthy for him or their marriage to keep it bottled up inside with nowhere to go. Gil had done that all his life and even though he knew he didn't have to do that now, he reverted to his old habits especially when his feelings were hurt.
As Sara approached the sofa, she heard a soft, gasping sound like nothing she'd ever heard before not even in all her years as a CSI. Sara slowed her step even more and listened attentively to try to make out where the sound was coming from because she had a pretty good idea what it was. The sound came again, louder this time, and it became clear that it was coming from their darkened living room. Careful not to step on any creaking floor boards and give Gil time to erect his walls Sara hurried to her husband's side. Finally, he was letting his pain go.
As she got closer and her eyes adjusted to the darkness Sara could make out her husband's form. He was dressed in only his boxers and teeshirt, sitting on the sofa with his shoulders hunched and shaking with pain. In his arms Gil was holding onto something for dear life, as if it was all he had left in the world. He was speaking as well though Sara knew he did not detect her presence.
"Daddy loved you," Sara head him say. "I loved you so much. You didn't have to go away. I'm sorry I made you go away."
Sara had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from gasping out loud at Grissom's whispered confession. Her calm, intelligence, rational husband had somehow convince himself they lost their baby because he had been hesistant in wanting one in the first place. The pain in Grissom's words was almost harder for Sara to bear than the actual loss of their child. How on earth could he think something like that?
Grissom fell silent and clutched the object he held on his lap close to his heart. He stopped trying to choke back his tears and let the sobs pour out of his body with such force he collapsed to one side leaning on his left elbow in order to remain upright.
Sara couldn't wait any more. Her husband was hurting and she had to go to him, had to soothe him, he was too far gone now to pull up his barriers even if he wanted to and Sara knew it. She chose not to speak as she approached, she didn't want to startle him by breaking the silence, so she merely moved to the back of the sofa and sat down upon the arm. Sara reached out her hand and began gently running her fingers through Gil's curly hair in slow soothing circles.
At first Grissom didn't even notice that Sara had joined him in the living room, it wasn't until the hand she had in his hair drifted to his cheek that he looked up and met her gaze. "I'm sorry," Grissom choked out. "God, Sara, I'm sorry."
"Ssh," Sara cooed to him pressing against the back of his neck so he could rest his head on her thigh. "Ssh, Gil. It's all right. I'm here; it's all going to be okay. You'll see. We'll be fine."
Grissom lifted his head and looked at Sara as if he had never seen her before. His swollen blue eyes turned cold, "How can you say that? Our son…our baby is gone; he's never coming back again. How can it be all right Sara?"
Sara used the opportunity given to her when Grissom moved back to slide down onto the sofa so she was seated on the cushion next to him. "Because it will be. We lost our baby, that hurts and we'll love him always, but our love…what we have will get this through it, won't it?"
"It just hurts so much, Sara. I…I miss him and we never even had him. I don't understand this; I can't make it out…"
"It's hardly an exact science," Sara admitted. "I only wish we learned that a long time ago we might be in very different places right now. But we loved each other through all of that, the mistakes, the heartache, if we could do it apart surely we can do it together."
"You say that now Sara but what if we never have a baby," Grissom sighed snuggling in close to Sara. "I never though of wanting children, I can get used to that again but…losing you…"
"You won't," Sara replied firmly tightening her grip on Grissom's body.
"I might," Grissom sighed. "You…Never mind all that, you need to get back into bed and rest. You need to get your strength back."
"No," Sara corrected. "I need to talk to my husband. Gil, when I was coming out here, I heard you talking…You said you loved Thomas and he didn't have to go away. What did you mean? Do you think this is your fault? Do you think…"
"I know it is my fault," Grissom replied. "I didn't want to try for a baby, I wasn't very open about it when I found out…I can't blame him for not wanting to…" Grissom swallowed as his eyes filled with tears again than ran down his cheeks. "And one day, you'll see, you'll see that it's true and…I love you Sara, and I loved Thomas. It hurts so much, so much…"
"I know, Gil," Sara soothed. "It hurts me too, you know that. But you know what's worse?"
Grissom didn't answer, just wiped away at the tears falling down his cheeks. Sara replied for him, "Knowing that you are in pain and not being allowed to help you. You always do that Gil, you always suffer alone, in silence, and you don't have to do that anymore. I don't want you to do that anymore."
Sara pulled Grissom closer to her and rocked him as he let the last of his anger and pain pour out of his body. He had so much emotion locked inside of him that Sara wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to calm himself down enough for her to talk to him more. Finally, after ten minutes, Grissom did calm. Sara then asked, "What were you holding onto so tightly before I came out here?"
Grissom lifted the tiny bear he had bought during his mother's visit. "I got it for Thomas. I was going to give it to you when he…when he came but…I didn't want you to find it when I wasn't here. I was going to get rid of it."
"No," Sara sighed. "No, Gil. Don't get rid of it. We may never want to look at it or use it for anything but…" Sara reached out for the stuffed animal. "This was the first gift that Thomas was going to get from his Daddy, and even though he isn't here in life, he's still inside of us. Let's…Let's put this away, with picture the doctor took and the blanket they gave us at the hospital. Who knows maybe years from now we might have a child of our own going through this and we can say, "See, it happened to us too and we are just fine."
"I love you so much, Sara," Grissom whispered placing the bear down and bringing her close for a kiss. "My brain knows that we didn't lose the baby because of me, but my heart…I've never felt anything like this before. I know what I'm feeling is so far from true, but I can't help it anyway. It's primal, out of control."
"I believe that feeling is love, Dr. Grissom," Sara replied with a soft smile. "Love isn't supposed to make sense. Look at us."
Grissom smiled a little, "What's a broken down old scientist doing with a young beautiful woman you mean?"
"No, actually I was thinking more along the lines of what is a handsome and intelligent gentleman doing with a screwed up foster kid?" Sara corrected. "The answer is there is no answer, I think we are going to have to get used to that if we do decide to try to have another child."
"I'm so far from thinking about that beyond knowing in my heart and my head that I do want a baby with you Sara," Grissom admitted. "I just…it's going to be so much harder than we thought."
"The best things in life are," Sara replied. "But we'll have each other, that's the most important thing, Gil. After everything we went through alone, all the mountains we had to climb, anything we can do together will seem like a molehill."
Grissom smiled and cocked an eyebrow at his bride, "Maybe not a molehill, perhaps an ant hill."
Sara laughed at the entirely appropriate comment and playfully smacked at Grissom chest, "Oh, Gil. Come on, let's get to bed. We'll need our rest even if it's only anthills we're climbing," Sara teased as she helped Grissom off the couch. Grissom set the bear on the sofa, and slid his arm around Sara's waist. She had been right, losing the baby would always hurt and trying for a family would not be easy, but as it was proven time and time again, they could do it, as long as they were together.
The End For Now