Hello to all my readers, I didn't expect to have to give Cassie and Alla another outing any time soon, but when linked to THIS abomination of a fanfiction, I just had to do it before I killed someone or myself. Enjoy, review, the usual. Nothing Tolkien belongs to me, and neither does the PPC, though Cassie and Alla do. All quotes belong to their respective owners.
The original link is here: .net/s/5312017/1/Lord_of_the_Rings_The_Battle_for_the_Village#
When Cassie returned from a chocolate run, it was to a very unexpected sight—her partner, staring at the monitor and knocking her head on it rhythmically. "New— " *bang* "—mission—" *bang*
"Um… okay… you should stop that before you break it." Putting down the assorted sugar, she carefully pulled Alla away from the screen and gently pushed her into a seat on their couch, before the words on the screen caught her eye, and she froze, scanning the screen.
After a few moments of ominous silence, Cassie pulled away, almost whimpering as she rubbed at her eyes. "Bad… badfic… make it go away…"
"I told you it was bad." Alla groused as she collected her things for the mission ahead of them. "But no, you just had to look…"
"You didn't tell me anything!" Cassie protested as she turned off the screen hastily before any further trauma could occur, carefully settling a collection of fist-sized clay balls into their wrappings. "I walked in and you were just banging your head on the screen…Who reported this abomination, anyway?"
"Someone calling himself Leto… sounded half-drunk when he reported it, but had enough sense to know badfic when he saw it…" Cutting off further argument, Alla stood, green eyes narrowed, and tapped at the Disguise Generator. "Elves, I suppose, since the fool's written them… Come on, the quicker we do this the less we'll have to suffer."
With a murderous look in her eyes and a growing headache, Cassie slammed her fist on the Portal Generator, causing it to emit the electronic equivalent of a "meep" and then create a shimmering portal in mid-air. The two agents strode through, heavily armed, grumpy…
… and very pissed off. All in all, not a good combination.
"Where are we?" Cassie wondered, turning in a circle, unable to see much beyond the gray fog around them. Looking down at her hand, she noticed something else odd. "… And why are we in black and white?"
"No idea to the first, the words only specified Middle Earth, and the second probably came about due to a severe lack of description." Alla put down her pack and grabbed a notebook. "Looks like there are two Originals… which one do you want?"
"Don't care. Let's just kill them all and go home." Cassie was not happy with this mission.
Even worse, her partner concurred.
Middle Earth was a nice place and pepole were happy but thern pepole heard thaat a dark and evil army lead by the evilist emperer were invading. The evil army had enslaved and killed a lot of pepole and where planning to take over world.
"Okay, first charge a complete and utter lack of proper spelling and grammar." Alla hissed to herself as she stabbed at the notepad viciously.
"I can't look away… it's so horrible that it's actually fascinating. It's like the fic has charisn'tma." Cassie was staring at the Words in disbelief. "Evil 'emperor'? Has someone been watching Star Wars too much?"
"Palpy would be insulted." Alla commented, looking over at her partner. "Oh, here we are, the thing we've all been waiting for—a setting!"
"Or the semblance of one." Cassie muttered as the outlines of a poorly-described village started to take form around them.
Harry the elf, who was an elf, was living in his village housied with his best freind Andy.
"Charge two. Redundancy." Alla muttered grumpily. "Someone didn't pay attention in kindergarten, honestly… 'I' before 'e'? Hello?"
"Charge three, retarded names." Cassie was sharpening a knife, clearly to help calm her nerves. "This is starting to sound like one hell of a bad crossover—evil emperors, 'Harry', and elves. Mother of fish."
"Anachronistic names, dear. Actually, that can be another charge…the more the merrier." Alla scribbled down something on her notepad.
"We must fight ananst evil army" he said to andy, "but why?" annd asked. "Because they make pepole sad and kill evryone" saided barry. Harry realy wanted to stop the evil arm as they had killed his girlyfriend Mandy.
"Who is this Barry and why have we not been introduced to him yet?" Cassie questioned acerbically, stabbing her knife into the shadowy ground.
"Dunno. Possibly because the presence of an 'evil arm', though I note a distinct absence of demonic body parts in the surrounding area—"Alla stared at the Words, then started sniggering. At her partner's questioning look, she pointed, snickering madly.
"… GIRLYFRIEND? AHAHAHAHA!!"
"Shhh, shh, keep it down, they'll hear you and then we'll have to kill them…" Alla considered this statement, then revised it. "Actually, never mind, laugh as much as you like. Maybe then we can go home quicker."
Cassie was still sniggering, though she had calmed down. " 'sokay, I'm good now."
Harry and Andy got weepons and headed out to stop the evil army. Then they ran into an amy patroll "army leave the villaged this our village!111" shouted Harry
"This not yours, it mine." Cassie punctuated each word with a stab of the knife. "And soon your lives will be too…"
"Do these people all have broken shift keys or something?" Alla wondered, sounding surprisingly mild despite the worryingly sadistic smile on her face as she looked through her poison collection.
The evil genral saied "no we will killer you all" and harry and andy tarted attack evill army. Harry and andy where fireing at the orcs and goblanes solders and killing some of them. Then harry punced a orc in the face and it dyed. "I will defeat the enermy and bring honor to my village" Harry wissperd at the top of his voice.
"What's a punce?"
"A cross between a pun and a dunce?"
Cassie turned to give her partner an incredulous look, and Alla shrugged, stepping out of the way of a random hapless orc to lean against the nearest building, pulling Cassie with her. "No idea, honestly. But whatever it is, it apparently causes people to 'dye'. "
"Oooh! What color?" Cassie perked up a bit—Alla snorted, knowing her partner's penchant for colors all too well.
"Didn't say, I'm afraid. But you could ask that orc…"
"Nah, I'll pass." Cassie tilted her head, then stared at 'Harry'. "How do you whisper at the top of your voice?"
"Don't question the logic of this fic; there is none." Alla muttered in answer, then snorted as Cassie, apparently deciding to take Harry literally, sang a line which made the battle around them stop for a second.
"Please bring honor to us alllllllllllllll…"
"Have you been watching Mulan again?" By this point, the question was broken up by snickers and half-suppressed giggles.
"Yep." Cassie's grin was the essence of innocence ladled over devilry, which only brought her partner closer to the verge of hysterical laughter.
Then mored pepole joined harry and Andy "wee wont let evil army kill us" saided the pepole and stated fighting the army as well. "Protect the villiged" shouted Harry and the pepole satated fireing arrows at teh evil army. Gomlens where fireing arrows and fire balls at pepole and killing some of them but the pepole cept on fighting
"… What are 'gomlens'?"
Cassie and Alla shared perplexed looks, before turning to look at the battlefield, staring at the fog-like creatures the Author had defined as 'gomlens'. One produced a soccer ball out of nowhere, punting it at a Generic Villageperson, knocking him—or her, the Author had not been too specific regarding gender and other such pretty details—to the ground.
"Fire balls indeed…" Alla shook her head and ducked a flying basketball.
"Be glad they're not—" Cassie leaned back as a table-tennis ball shot past her nose. "—bowling balls."
"Ooh, yes. That could be painful." Alla thought, then shrugged. "Seeing the main character getting bashed over the head by one would be entertaining, though."
Then a giant rock landed on a man and killered him insanely. Dearth and destraction went all around harry and andy but they dinnt care ever. Men and women were fighting agents the evil army and killing gonlems and ocs.
"Yes, dearth… the dearth of a remotely decent story." Cassie's eyes widened as she read the next Words, grabbing her partner and pushing her down. "Oh CRAP DUCK—"
A swarm of hornets the size of golden retrievers appeared out of nowhere, attacking the hapless villagers.
"HORNETS?! They eat fruit, you… you twat!" The yell of frustration from Alla was drowned by the sounds of screaming. Taking a deep breath, she muttered something unprintable about the fate she had in mind for people who wrote about "big giant" insects.
"When I say giant, I don't mean big, I mean flippin' enormous!" Cassie recited to herself, keeping her own irritation at bay by means of reciting Catherine Tate's lines, hefting a fist-sized clay sphere in one hand. "I don't want to do this, but I don't want those things too close, and we know arrows don't do anything to exoskeletons…" Both heads snapped around at a yell from the midst of the battlefield.
"WATCH OUT" yelled Harry, But andy was all readyDEAD!!!111
"Such tragedy." Alla deadpanned.
"Multiple exclamation marks are the sign of a diseased mind, thank you Terry Pratchett." Cassie noted as she applauded the insect responsible.
The pepole were losing and Harry knew he had to do smothing fast. Then he had i idea "I know" said harry aand he used expolsive tiped arrows to blowup lots of evill army solders and kill some hornments to. Evil solders were shooting at pepole and pepole were shoting back. Then the evil amy stated bloownig up buildings and dust ands smoke whent evrywere.
"Explosive-tipped arrows and demolitions equipment—no no no, not now!" Alla grabbed Cassie and pushed the tip of the crossbow downwards, away from the main character. She glared at the Chinese agent as she recognized the piece of equipment. "Where did you get one of those, I thought they were illegal in headquarters!"
"Built it secretly." Cassie squirmed just enough for her partner to carefully release her. "They're remarkably useful… can launch these munitions far enough that we don't even have to be close."
"Save it. We have a ways to go, the balance hasn't tipped just quite yet." Alla finally let go, convinced her partner would not try to commit homicide yet.
"FIGHT THEM" Warcried Harry.
"Since when was warcry a verb?" Alla's patience was wearing thin as fast as her headache grew.
"Don't try to think about it." An aspirin was handed over, and gratefully ingested.
Pepole stated fireind catopots at the army and blowing up orcs and godlems. But the evil army stated firing rooks tat blew up and sticks that staybed. The war was rageing and pepole were been blowing up and firing flaming fire arrows that set some of the evil army on fire.
Cassie watched a black bird fly through the air and explode on contact with the ground. "I was unaware rooks exploded."
"Same. I was also unaware that sticks had a need to sleep…" Alla pointed at some twigs, inexplicably tucked up in miniature beds, before growling again. "Flaming. Fire. Arrows. Honestly…"
"Can we light this one on fire?" Cassie wondered out loud, only to be surprised by the evil expression on her partner's face.
"I think we will."
Then more evil army solders came Harry kew that they were out marched.
"Out marched, due to being so retarded that you can't even walk straight."
"You are lost surreender and will grant you a quick death" said the Evil woman. "We will keap fighting" saided Harry and ran hit the evil woman and the evil woman hit him back.
The Agents stared as a woman—a remotely female-shaped pillar of black mist—suddenly appeared and spoke the horrible lines.
"She's a… genie of death or something?" Cassie finally hazarded a guess.
"Logic. None. Remember this."
Harry and evil woman were epic fighting to the deaf.
Both jaws dropped—then the snickering started. "To the deaf? I can help with that, Cass, you got an airhorn anywhere?"
Cassie made a theatrical show of patting her pockets. "Nope, left it in my other uniform."
"I will kill you and anvange Mandy's death" Harry said loud like anger
"Loud like anger?" Cassie rubbed the bridge of her nose, absently restraining Alla before the other woman banged her head on the nearest wall again. "Valar save us."
The two were interrupted by the loud declaration of "I AM MANDY!!111" from the "evil woman".
"Ooh, new charges. Failure to divide paragraphs properly, an ungodly long run-on, and a plot twist that was completely unexplained and entirely retarded."
"NOW can we kill them?"
"No This can not be" sayed Harry, "It is" said Mandy. "But you were my girlfiend why would you fight for evil" harry said back.
"Girlfiend? So you knew she was a demon skank all the time and you still called her your 'girlyfriend'? WHERE IS THE POINT?"
"Here." Alla picked up a random arrow and waved it in Cassie's face—the woman stared at the weapon, then at her partner, and then went to bang her head on the wall.
"The Evil Empire came and put spell on me and made me strong and powerfull" said mandy "I will put the same spell on you and together we will rule teh world",
"I think somebody has been reading LOLcats too much. 'Teh' world?"
"Perhaps the spellcheck is broken?" Cassie offered.
Alla rolled her eyes, and wrote down another charge. "Non-canon and utterly stupid magic."
"I will never join you" said harry. "Then you will dye" said mandy evily and her eyes glowed blood red.
"Dye? What color is she going to turn him?"
"Perhaps purple, for the color of the prose?"
"Ehhh…" This possibility was considered, then rejected. "More like urple, at this rate."
They pepered to do epic battle.
Before either of the Agents could make a crack about condiments, the scene froze as the chapter—mercifully—ended.
"Oh thank God for that." Cassie whispered fervently even as she cringed at the mangling of the word 'continued'. "Right…"
Grabbing her crossbow, she strode out from their hiding place and kicked both the Original Characters in the shins, dropping them to the ground, making it convenient for her to grab both by the necks. "Make it quick."
" 'Harry'—" Alla began to snicker at the name, and had to take a few minutes to compose herself. "You are charged with creating an Eldritch Abomination of Bad Spelling and Grammar, dropping redundancies like… droppable things. Bah. Anyway, having retarded and anachronistic names, bringing in technology that doesn't exist in this universe, bringing in CREATURES that don't exist in this universe, having no concept of a plot or ANYTHING remotely necessary to make a halfway decent story, and being a horribly written self-insert. And you are going to die, that's D-I-E, not D-Y-E, unless you mean the color red, which you will be with your own blood."
"And you, 'Mandy'—" Cassie gave the female's neck a firm squeeze. "You are charged with being a 'girlyfriend' or the 'girlfiend' of a retarded twat, being even less than a pathetic shadow of a MarySue deVille, and bringing in uncanon and retarded magic, and in general, pissing us off."
"You don't get last words. You'd just mangle them." Alla growled darkly, looking at her partner. "Fire?"
"Fire." Cassie dug in her pack and produced two fist-sized clay spheres, handing one to Alla, who dug around in her own pack till she found a length of rope, using it to secure the struggling pair to a spar of wood. "Now, let's get back a good distance…"
"How far's that?"
"As far as you can throw that. Do NOT drop it, that's the equivalent of an incendiary grenade."
The two Agents retreated to a safe distance, then traded glances, before drawing back and hurling the small clay spheres at the struggling duo.
There was a small noise of shattering clay, then a very satisfying WHUMP!, and a column of flames shooting up into the sky, incinerating everything within the blast radius.
Cassie tilted her head back, enjoying the warmth of the flames on her face. "Therapeutic, isn't it?"
Alla grinned at the bliss on her partner's face. "Oh yes. Home?"
"Yep. Bleeprin, chocolate, and a nap sound most tempting." Cassie raised the portal device and pressed a button, opening a path back to the response center.
A few seconds later, the fictional world with two burning corpses was lost to sight as the portal closed, and Alla curled up on the couch for a nap, while her partner opened up a bar of chocolate and took a bite, satisfied in another job well done.
To be continued…
Well, that was a very long chapter… hope you all enjoyed it, thank you for reading, and please leave a review. Reviews make me happy. Thanks everyone! :)