The Nature of Relationships
A Xenocide Production
AN: Just your average Crack!fic. Actually, this is probably even less than average. Your time could be better spent watching paint dry. Or reading Cosmo. Go do that.
Summary: Being a short, informal treatise on the nature of relationships and why it amuses us to indulge in blatant perversion.
Disclaimer: Xenocide Productions wishes to state that this mockumentary is an unabridged version of the truth. Any who take this seriously should be pitied and put in an institution where the learning curriculum revolves around shiny things and bright colors. Except for the Yaoi. We hate that sort of thing. Seriously.
The human heart is a fragile thing, complex, deep, and many other illustrious metaphors that are best left to poets and embittered starving artists.
The most wonderful emotion that the heart is capable of is that flighty, damning emotion that we call love. A sacred thing, it's a bond shared between two people when they commit themselves to their partner for eternity and everafter.
It makes sense that something so sacred is so fun to twist and pervert.
Let's take a close look at DB-NAR1, for instance. Here we have a very interesting world, full of men who love to dress up in women's skins and tongue people to death, children who can multiply themselves infinitely and change themselves into the opposite gender, and adults who actively proclaim themselves as super perverts and tote around explicit pornography in public.
Not to mention the numerous boys who, for all intents and purposes, look like girls who do a very, very poor job of disguising their true gender. I mean, come on, man. Wearing a kimono, donning various shades of nail polish, and generally acting effeminate is not, I repeat NOT, the best way to convince an audience that you are indeed male. That's just insulting someone's intelligence.
Yes, this world is a very interesting one, full of potential.
But of course, for some strange reason, despite the obvious perversion and sexual innuendo around each corner, the original creator———
(INSERT CREEPY LOOKING, MIDDLE AGED OLD GUY WHO HAS WAY TOO MANY REI AYANAMI FIGURINES AND SAILOR MOON COSTUMES FOR COMFORT.)
———has yet to take advantage of the many opportunities presented.
And that is where your average fanfic writer comes in.
To gain a deeper understanding of our topic, let us first examine the psyche of the fanfic author.
Most authors are just average people who have expressed dissatisfaction with a universe's natural storyline, feeling that they, being the literary geniuses and visionaries that they are, can do, like, looooaaadddss better than some stupid Japanese dude who probably has a magical girl fetish. Not that there's anything wrong with that of course. I hear those replicas are fairly lifelike these days.
But I digress.
In the interest of better understanding our main topic, I'm going to illustrate just why normal people have such disdain for fanfiction in general.
Let us take a random excerpt from a writer, someone who claims to have graduated high school yet writes like twelve year old on a cocaine binge.
Writer Callsign: Funktastialicioust1
Fic Title: Gunz of Justise
(—adn Naruto jumped up with fury, roaring 'I'm gonna busta cap in you guys asses with my gunz of justise , biatches!' Narto whippied out his gunz and started blowing bllody holes in Itachi, Saske, and that pink haired girl, and then he—)
All right then, that enough of that. You get the idea. Feel free to gouge your eyes out with a rusty spork. I know I did. A glorious moment of relief, it was.
Now, that fic up there, and I use the term loosely, is basically a waste of space. And lord knows a reader has to wade hip deep through these piles of trash just to find a diamond in the rough. These so called "improvements" over the canon storyline make the lame ass plot that the creator dumped on us actually look good. And that's saying something, let me tell you.
If we had to sum up your average fanfic writer in words, here's what this esteemed author would suggest: I've seen poor Mexicans and illiterate Asiam immigrants with a better grasp of the English language.
Where have our school systems failed us? No Child Left Behind, my Kerry-voting ass.
Now that we have a better understanding of fanfiction writers in general, and before I hang myself from depression, let's focus our attention on the main topic at hand: Why do writers feel the need to pair everybody and anybody up in a fic involving DB-NAR1?
Personally, I like to think that everybody has a sense of romance in them, and that a heartwarming romance fic is just our way of saying how much we love each other as human beings.
But, let's face it. That's not gonna happen. Most writers are either rabid yaoi fangirls or perverted panty-shot fanboys.
It's estimated that a good seventy five percent of DB-NAR1 fics have some element of romance. Seventy five percent! That's just ridiculous. And a little scary. Who knew there were so many lonely and horny people out there?
Let's start with our hero, the main protagonist of most of these fics.
Here we have our primary character of DB-NAR1, Uzumaki Naruto.
"Hey, what the—!?!? Where the hell am I?!?!"
An irritating little brat that goes around screaming "Believe it!" at the top of his lungs. Not to mention that he wears a jumpsuit fashioned entirely from orange thread. He's just asking for someone to kill him.
"Hey, hey! I'm talking to you, you—voice…thingy….person!"
Burdened with the task of harboring an evil demon in the expanse of his belly button, the DB-NAR1 Universe mainly follows this boy's exploits and those of his friends. The boy himself isn't really all that endearing, as there are other inhabitants that are much cooler and much more kick ass than this puny little runt.
"You bastard! Show yourself! I'm going to kick your ass and prove that I'm stronger than anyone else! I'm going to be Hokage, after all. Believe it!"
See what I mean?
Oh lord, he's actually using the victory pose. How utterly pathetic.
"Who you calling pathetic, you panty-snatching pile of otaku trash!?"
An ominous silence.
"Eheh…maybe I shouldn't have called him an otaku?"
That was uncalled for, boy. I most certainly am NOT a panty-snatcher. Just for that, I think I'm going to start you out somewhere a little less than hellish.
"Oof! That hurt! Where the hell did you send me? What am I doing on this bed? And why the hell are there pictures of snakes doing it plastered all over the walls and ceiling?"
Ahem…as I was saying. Many writers, especially the fangirls, seem to have a fascination with the Male/Male pairings of DB-NAR1. This phenomenon is know as 'YAOI', and is to be avoided at all costs.
Yaoi writers seem to believe that, despite any evidence to the contrary, most males seem to have a deep, lustful love for each other that they are hiding within themselves, and cover up their angsty emissions by chasing after the icky females. Believe it or not, many Yaoi fics have been written on the basis of two characters standing next to each other in a particularly poignant scene. Indeed, the lack of canonical support for this theory seems to only whip Yaoi supporters into a frenzy.
"…………….oh, please tell me that you did not just say angsty emissions!"
Artistic license, kid. Deal with it.
Now, when a writer tries to reason with a Yaoi supporter and say, 'Hey, this doesn't have any basis in canon. Why are you insisting that this is true love?' the crazed Yaoi addict will reply 'You (meep)ing ignorant gay hater! Go (meep) yourself and (meep) (meep) a goat with a (meep)!' This is of course, a less than courteous response, and it is recommended that you never engage in aggressive conversation with a Yaoi fan when it comes to their men. And avoid eye contact, whatever you do.
"Is that even anatomically possible to do that with a (meep)?"
Guess what, kid? You're about to find out.
The Naruto/Orochimaru pairing is not particularly prominent among writers, but it exists nonetheless.
"Oh, kami……….you wouldn't!"
It is an unwritten, but still fanon, fact that Orochimaru is as gay as a dropping of the soap in Riker's Showerhouse. It is also suspected that he is a pedophile, and not many would object to that statement at all.
The door to Orochimaru's Shack of Reptile Ravaging (all rights reserved) flew open, and there stood the Snake Sannin, holding an oblong, uncomfortable looking (meep), and wearing a pair of boxers with tiny hearts and Sharingans embroidered on them.
"I've come for you, Naruto-kun! Though I am a horrible, pedophilic monster incapable of love, I have come to express my undying warm fluffy feelings to you in the only manner that I know how! To teach you the joys of lustful, wet, hot, yaoi love!"
He brandished the (meep) with a flourish then stepped aside to let a …..goat trot into the room with him.
"Meeeehhhh." The goat uttered enthusiastically.
Oh my, Naruto. It seems that you have some admirers of the…errr…(meep)ed up persuasion. I wonder how many positions that goat knows?
PUT DOWN THAT KUNAI, BOY! I DIDN'T SAY YOUR PUNISHMENT WAS OVER!
Orochimaru, you sick bastard, stop him!
"Stop that foolishness at once, Naruto-kun!" The pale man magically divested himself of his boxers. "You still have to meet MiniOrochi-sama!" He dove for the bed, oblong (meep) still in hand. He tackled the boy and they both disappeared in the confines of the waterbed.
"Feel the Power of MiniOrochi-sama!"
"Oh, kami! It's so…long! And scaley! Wait, no! Don't put that there!"
A hand grasped the air desperately. "Somebody, anybody! Kill me now, PLEASE!"
The goat looked on with interest. The snake man usually liked to play for a few hours before he was invited to join. It was fun being a spectator in the meantime.
And that, dear readers, is why you never sass a fanfic writer. They're evil, sadistic beings.
While our hero is getting acquainted with all things 'Mini', I must bid you farewell for this installment. Perhaps in the coming days I shall illustrate the evils of the Naruto/Sasuke pairing, or if I've feeling particularly generous, the ever popular Harem fic.
Hehheh, just a little incoherent perverted oneshot I decided to write on the evils of PairingMania!Naruto. Of course, I obviously didn't explore the other aspects of our twisted little fantasies, but if this garners enough laughs, I might be persuaded to continue. This isn't really a serious writing project.