The Nature of Relationships (Part II)
A Xenocide Production
AN: Just your average Crack!fic. Actually, this is probably even less than average. Your time could be better spent watching paint dry. Or reading Cosmo. Go do that.
Summary: Being a short, informal treatise on the nature of relationships and why it amuses us to indulge in blatant perversion.
Disclaimer: Xenocide Productions wishes to state that this mockumentary is an unabridged version of the truth. Any who take this seriously should be pitied and put in an institution where the learning curriculum revolves around shiny things and bright colors. Except for the Yaoi. We hate that sort of thing. Seriously.
Greetings, True Believers.
This is your Friendly Neighborhood Fanfic Author speaking.
As you no doubt have surmised, the time has come for another treatise on fanfiction: The Nature of Relationships.
When last we met, I was introducing the main character of the DBNAR1 Universe to one of the lesser know fallacies of the fanfiction community, namely that of Yaoi and the gag reflex inducing pairing of Orochimaru and Naruto himself.
Come to think of it, how long have I left the two in that room?
…………oh dear. I seem to have forgotten to write them an exit. The Reptile Shack of Ravaging has been occupied for nearly ten months.
Eh, who cares? We're writers. I doubt very many of us here have written a pure fluff story, where there is no conflict (i.e., no plot). I can forgive the lack of plot, as long as there is lemony goodness involved. And don't you dare say that smut can't free my soul! It's very liberating and I can guran-damn-tee you that each and every one of you reading this has deliberately read an M rated fic purely for the sex.
But I'm rambling. I will now poke my proverbial head in the door of the love nest, purely because I can practically taste the lame comedic potential it exudes. So let us now return to that little Love Shack, where various noises and disturbing sound effects are escaping from its confines.
Oh shit. That sounds like one very violated goat. You know what? I've decided to leave them be. I really don't want to know what's going on in there. Sometimes, characters take on a life of their own and an author is powerless to control their actions.
"GODDAMMIT! You scaly bastard! What the hell are you doing to that poor goat? That doesn't fucking belong there!"
As Pontius Pilate before me, I wash my hands of this matter. So many authors do it here at good ole FFnet that no one even blinks these days. Now let us leave our dear Hero and Homoerotic Antagonist to their dalliances. If they're lucky, I might remember to write them an exit. Maybe.
Now, as a previous reviewer mentioned so long ago, he feared the day that I should ridicule the most popular love interest in the fandom (at least among sane, straight males): The Harem.
Let it firstly be noted that I have no particular animosity towards harems. I, being a red-blooded and Super-Perverted male (God Bless Jiraiya for becoming my personal advocate), fully enjoy and delight in the idea of one male underdog gaining the affection of twenty some odd women and having the sex drive to please them all. The only problem is, there are very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, insert different adverb here, few well written harem fics. I can literally count on one hand the number of well written harem fics and not all of them are in the Naruto fandom.
For one thing, the logic involved is perverted as Kisame's necrophilic sushi orgies. Yes, I know I'm killing catgirls by the loads by brining logic to an otaku fight, but surely even you, lackadaisal reader, can see that even the tiniest bit of logic makes a fic that much better. Let us take, for example, the fairly well known fic All For One written by Vesvius B. An excerpt:
"The Hokage was now gaping in shock. All thirteen of Konoha's most prominent clans were arguing over who would raise the boy! They all wanted it badly, from Hyuuga Hiashi, the leader of the most prominent clan, to Shinkotama Tenoshi, whose clan had been under ridicule for not having many special abilities that would be labeled as bloodlines. All thirteen of them wanted this! A devious idea was forming in Sarutobi's mind. It would be excellent for Naruto, good for Konoha, and get these annoying leaders out of his office so he could get to work!"
Said boy is Naruto, of course. Let us dissect this passage.
Firstly, the general rule of a harem in real life is the more, the merrier, right? Collecting pretty little ladies that are eager to please you is an opportunity every man, and hell, even some women, would kill for. In writing, however, the general rule is no less than two and four is pushing it. Why? For the very simple reason that it takes a very talented writer to write more than two characters in a romance. And a Stephen King, VB is not. And on top of that, what does he do? He tosses in thirteen love interests. THIRTEEN! Even going so far as to invent a few OC clans just to add a few more girls. I mean really, that's just stretching credibility.
I can't fault the man, boy, girl, tentacle monster or whatever he may be on the internet, for his ideas or his tastes, but he has in no way the amount of talent required to write such a fic. And where is AFO now? In the dreaded Hiatus Bin, where projects such as the Evangelion Live Action Movie, the car that runs on water, and Bill Clinton's purity dwell. There are practical things to think about such as the act of procreation.
Side note: I epic fail because I referred to that glorious act of perversion as procreation. Damn college for making me into a well rounded individual.
OK. You have thirteen girls to bang. Whoopee. Buy yourself a minivan and bulletproof your home because the multitudes of jealous males will suddenly find a great many reasons for you to die. Painfully.
Also, how the hell do you plan on keeping this harem? There's…..needs to consider. One thing that I have consistently seen from mediocre, and less than mediocre, writers is that they tend to toss a crapload of girls into the mix, but only really focus on the few that they like, leaving the others to be nothing more than screwtoys who get brought out once every few chapters for the sake of variety. I mean come on, how many people actually like that little bitch�Tayuya for God's sakes? Just because she's a potty mouth and like playing with dolls doesn't make her this fetishist that longs for the gentle touch of a man. She'd bite your dick off, skewer it on a senbon, and try to pass it off as a new breed of squid to hungry customers.
Another small bit of logic for you (and another dead catgirl, sadly): How in the hell is our Hero expected to keep his harem happy? Unless life is a porn vid, and you have no idea how often I've wished it was so, there is no WAY that he can give out any sexual healing to his girls. Most writers blithely have our Hero bedding three girls at a time, giving them various climaxes, visiting nirvana himself a few times, and thenstill has enough staying power to do another two groups of three. What the hell! Whatever shit he's taking, I want me some of that. In my humble opinion, the author writing these traits is merely trying to compensate for his title, "Fastest Man Alive". And I'm not talking the Olympics type of speed…
In conclusion, I would like to say that harem fics that suck don't suck because they're harem fics, only because the author sucks at writing harem fics. I'm sorry, but that's all there is to it. Maybe if more talented writers tried their hand at it, we wouldn't have so many elitist authors, i.e, people who read and critique but never write, bitch about how crude these fics are and how obviously the writer knows nothing of his profession.
I'm going to be a bastard and do the same thing. Please, please, for the love of Utada Hikaru's panties and the half-naked Ayanami Rei figuring adorning the top of my computer, don't contribute your crap to an alluring genre if you KNOW that you can't pull off a harem. I sure as hell can't so I stay far, far away from that.
For now, I bid you adieu and leave you to write bad fanfiction, as you always do.
I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I don't know what. Ah well, can't be important.
Somewhere on the fringes of the universe, in a small section designated for starving artists, writers, and political activists, a small shack was rocking on its foundations, windows rattling, disco beads tinkling, and shingles flying. A wail of anguish and pure suffering tore through the mist, and a goat smiled.
…………or did he?
Oh, that's right.
And suddenly, all three of them were back in their normal places…..somehow. The goat was back in some godforsaken hillbillie's backyard, Naruto was dumped back into the waiting arms of Emoduck, and Orochimaru arrived someplace that the straight male cannot even begin to fathom. The author can't be bothered to type it out. Except that Orochimaru and the smiling goat walked around with a bowl legged gait for some months afterward.
Naruto did not, for some strange reason…..
Laughed your ass off? Were you offended? Let me know.
DB Dattebayo, NAR Naruto obviously, 1 signifying the main universe, and because Stargate always has a number in there somewhere.