Practical Medicine


Disclaimer: I do not own Love Hina or any of its characters, but if Ken Akamatsu should ever read this, then please know I'd like to at least rent them.

Stepping into her office, Dr. Hikari was surprised to find not just her patient, Naru Narusegawa, there, but also all of the tenants from Hinata Sou, including the manager. Blinking for just a moment, the pretty young psychiatrist looked to Naru with a surprised expression.

Naru shifted uncomfortably. "Remember when I said last time how some of my friends wanted to be here to support me today? Well…it turns out they all did." Her voice was a mixture of gratitude and annoyance. She appreciated the gesture, but it was still embarrassing that they had to see her at her shrink; she still thought going to one was unnecessary, but that hadn't been her choice in the end.

It had started eight weeks ago. Naru had been on her way to take another mock-entrance exam for Todai, and had woken up late. Not having the time to dress down like she usually did, she had to settle for looking like her usual, pretty self. As it had turned out, that had been bad, because she had been dashing through the crowded streets to the train station when she felt someone grabbing her butt!

Whirling on the offending molester – some middle-aged businessman – in a rage, Naru hadn't even had to think. "You PERVERT! Naru Punch!" Her uppercut had caught him directly under the chin, and had lifted him off his feet and sent him flying back. By itself that wouldn't have been so bad, except for the little fact that they'd been on a walk-bridge over a busy street at the time, and Naru had thus inadvertently launched him into traffic.

He'd managed to survive the fall, mostly because he'd landed on somebody's car, which had saved him from being subsequently run over, but by the time Naru had heard that, she was already sitting in jail.

She might have been there for a while, waiting for her case to come up, but Kentaro, always looking to score some points, had hired a big-shot defense lawyer for her. Naru had been truly grateful to Kentaro for that, as the lawyer successfully got the trial date pushed up, and argued passionately before the judge that Naru didn't deserve to be locked up. The judge had seemed to agree, and had just ruled to let Naru be released when Kentaro, counting on Naru being so grateful, had leaned in for a kiss. Of course, Naru had reacted on instinct, and shrieked as she Naru-Punched him into a wall.

Needless to say, the judge had revised his ruling, sentencing her to eight weeks of court-appointed therapy. Naru had been talking to Dr. Hikari three times a week since. Today was the last visit.

"I see," said Dr. Hikari, sitting down behind her desk. She glanced around the colorful assortment of characters who'd managed to squeeze themselves into her office. She'd interviewed each and every one of them – from the alcoholic Konno-san, to the hyperactive Su-san, to the rather cute Urashima-san – in her efforts to help diagnose Naru, along with other friends, acquaintances, and family members of hers. They'd shed quite a bit of light on her patient.

"Well, let's begin then." She gave a polite smile. "You've all met me before, so we need not introduce ourselves. As this is Naru's last session, we won't be doing any analysis, but rather, I'll be handing down my diagnosis and prognosis regarding Naru's condition, along with what I think she should do next."

"Cool!" piped up Kaolla from where she was doing a handstand on the filing cabinet. Dr. Hikari noted idly that apparently the girl still hadn't realized, or just didn't care, that being upside-down in a skirt meant that you were showing off your panties to everyone. "So has Naru gone bananas? And if so, can she bring me some?"

"Ah, Kaolla, come down from there!" squeaked Shinobu, blushing and glancing at Keitaro, who was doing his best not to look in that direction, having glimpsed the flash of white against the Molmolese girl's dark skin. He was, after all, much too polite to stare…that and the growling Motoko behind him helped too.

Dr. Hikari chuckled, "No, Su-san, she's not bananas. That said…Naru, is it okay to discuss this in front of your friends? You are entitled to confidentiality, you know."

Naru shifted, uncomfortable, but too embarrassed to send her friends away. "No, it's alright." She was sure that she was perfectly mentally healthy, and she didn't want to seem like she had anything to hide, after all.

"Alright then, if you're sure." Pulling out the file she'd made on Naru, Dr. Hikari started to summarize her findings. "Simply put, Narusegawa-san, you're mentally healthy in most regards. You have good friends, an active lifestyle, and are quite academically gifted with excellent goals for the future. You're a normal young woman in most respects. However," she glanced up, looking at Naru directly, "that doesn't hold true concerning you and sexuality."

"Wh-what?!" Naru sputtered, eyes widening as she blushed bright red. "I'm NOT a pervert!"

Sighing, Dr. Hikari continued. "I didn't say you were a pervert, Narusegawa-san, and that sort of reaction is what I'm talking about. There's nothing wrong, or perverse, with sexual impulses, so long as they're handled in a healthy, mature, fashion. Unfortunately, you don't do that."

Trembling, Naru looked down, her hands clenched into fists in her lap. She suddenly wished that she'd sent everyone else outside.

"My medical diagnosis, Narusegawa-san, is that you're suffering from a pair of linked complexes." She paused for a moment and then clarified, "That's where you have not one, but two mental conditions that are interrelated, which means they affect each other and, in turn, affect how you'll need to deal with them."

Naru could only listen in growing horror, acutely aware of how everyone around her, even Su, was making sure to be very quiet and not draw attention to themselves. In a voice that quivered slightly, she managed to ask, "Wh-what's wrong with me?"

Dr. Hikari bit her lip for a moment, and then decided to just plunge right in. "Basically, not only do you have one hell of an Elektra complex – that's the one where you want to sleep with your father – but you also have the single worst case of penis envy I've ever seen."

The silence that reigned in the wake of the doctor's announcement was deafening.

Kitsune was the first to recover. Okay, this was bad, very bad, for Naru, so the best thing she could do as her friend was to try and lighten things up. Maybe a joke would help…

Chuckling, Kitsune nudged Motoko. "Wow, I thought for sure that would've been you instead."

"Actually," interjected the doctor, "She's just dealing with having homoerotic tendencies."

That was enough to jolt Motoko out of the state of shock she'd been in at the news about Naru. "Now see here!" she cried, leaping to her feet, "I am NOT a lesbian, and you haven't psychoanalyzed me enough to say that I am!"

"First of all," Dr. Hikari didn't miss a beat, "I didn't say you were a lesbian, Aoyama-san, just that you had homoerotic tendencies; most likely you're just bisexual. Secondly, while it's true you're not my patient, the other residents compared you to Narusegawa-san quite often, enough so that I got a pretty good outline of your psyche. Especially helpful was a telephone interview I had with Kanako Urashima-san."

Motoko paled as the doctor continued. "She claims that she was disguised as Narusegawa-san, and began to molest you in public, to which your reaction was to just moan helplessly, despite your Shinmei Ryu training. Is that correct?"

Motoko sank into her seat, letting her hair obscure her eyes, completely and utterly humiliated.

"U-Um, wh-what about Naru-senpai?" stammered Shinobu. She was blushing hard from all this talk about sex, but she really wanted to help her get better!

"Ah yes, well, basically, it all starts with the Elektra complex." Dr. Hikari flipped through her notes as she continued. "When Naru was a little girl, she idolized her parents, as all children do. It was when she accidentally caught sight of them engaged in sexual intercourse that this starts. The sight of her mother on all fours while her father took her from behind is the root of all this."

Naru couldn't have been redder if she'd fallen face-first in a can of paint. She wanted to say that that was enough, and everyone else could leave the room right now, but she couldn't seem to speak, frozen in absolute mortification as the doctor continued.

"That by itself wasn't traumatic. But when her parents split up and her mother largely fell apart until she got remarried later, Naru internalized the message that women are intrinsically weak and need a strong man to support them."

Unconcerned with the stunned looks around her, Dr. Hikari kept reading the notes she'd made. "That continued until she hit puberty. As so many teenagers do, Naru at that point began to rebel against her same-sex parent. In her case, Naru rebelled against her mother, whom she perceived as weak, by trying to become strong and independent. Unfortunately, this clashed with her budding sense of sexuality – part of her brain was telling her she wanted to be strong and independent like how she perceived men to be, while the other part wanted to be with a man and revel in her femininity, which the aforementioned part of her regarded as being submissive and weak."

Speaking to Naru directly, Dr Hikari closed her folder as she finished. "You've been suppressing that part of yourself ever since; hence the penis envy."

Naru's jaw worked, but nothing came out of her mouth, still reeling. Beside her, Keitaro gulped, and then managed to speak up. "Um…excuse me, but…I thought that, um…" he had to struggle to bring himself to say it, "that 'penis envy' was a myth…" he trailed off.

Dr. Hikari shrugged. "Yeah, I thought so too, but this is a textbook case of it…overwhelmingly so."

"Narusegawa-san," she continued, "this is only going to get worse until you deal with it. I can't compel you to continue coming to see me, although I do think it'd help, but regardless, you need to resolve these conflicts in your mind."

"So you're saying Naru needs to get laid?" asked Su guilelessly, her head tilting to the side in curiosity. Everyone in the room save for the doctor winced, wishing she hadn't said that.

"Well…I'm technically not allowed to recommend that she engage in sex-therapy with anyone but her husband, and since she isn't married, that rules that out. That said, Narusegawa-san, you need to engage in some activity which helps you get in touch with the sexual side of your femininity, preferably in a way that lets you feel comfortable with letting a man have some degree of power over you."

"Wh-what are you suggesting?" asked Naru in a quivering voice. This was embarrassing to a degree she hadn't thought was possible, almost dizzy from how much the blood was rushing to her face.

"Well, since you're apparently subconsciously equating Urashima-san here with your father, which I'd say is one of the primary reasons you find him attractive, my medical recommendation…and bear in mind that I'm saying this because I really do think it'll help you feel better..."

Everyone in the room was listening in rapt attention, with emotions ranging from eagerness to horror as Dr. Hikari made her pronouncement.

"My medical recommendation is that he gives you a thorough spanking."

Author's Notes: The idea of a female doctor named Hikari is one that I've seen in other Love Hina fanfics, though there doesn't seem to be any basis for her in the anime or manga. As such, it seemed apropos to have the shrink here be "Dr. Hikari" also.

Preview of Chapter Two:

"My medical recommendation is that he gives you a thorough spanking."

Once again, a shocked silence filled the room. Keitaro quickly put a hand to his nose to stop the blood from visibly running; maybe, just maybe if he was very quiet and didn't make any sudden movements, he'd be able to get out of here alive before the girls killed him for being a pervert.

Su suddenly leapt to her feet and began waving her hand in the air, as though she were in school.

"Yes, Su-san?" asked Dr. Hikari, nodding at the younger girl.

"Which 'he'?" asked Su, "Keitaro? Or Naru's daddy?"

"Urashima-san, of course," Dr. Hikari almost rolled her eyes at the inane question, but paused, and then added as an afterthought, "though it would probably help if she called him 'Daddy' while he was doing it."